The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May 'I
I help you sir?' she asked.
want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir,
Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone e lse', said the madam. 'No,
I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without
hesitation, the man pulled out te n thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once m ore demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .' 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings .' 'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate. .'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?' Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'. John says: 'what is oral?' Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too' _____________________________________________________________________
The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1- life sucks 2- job sucks 3- Wife does NOT! _____________________________________________________________________
A man is dying of cancer. His son: 'Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??'.. Answer: 'so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother.' _____________________________________________________________________ 'I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and ri ght. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it' _____________________________________________________________________ Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?' Answer: 'Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste' _____________________________________________________________________ A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dining table'. The man climbs into bed slowly and says: 'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?' _____________________________________________________________________
Question: 'what's common between a good-looking, faithful, r ich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?' 'BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND'
Amazing theorem Equation 1 Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy Therefore, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, Humans that don't know how to enjoy = Donkeys that work
Equation 2 Men = eat=+eat sleep + earn money Donkeys + sleep Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money Therefore, Men - earn money = Donkeys In other words, Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==== Equation 3 Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend Therefore, Women - spend = Donkeys In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===== To Conclude: >From Equation 2 and Equation 3 Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend. So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1) And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2) So, we have? Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude,
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together
British Hindi ... read aloud this is Hilarious!!!
Due
to the way our Hindi was spoken/pronounced by those British then in India (as exemplified in Lagaan!!), see the following self-explanatory: GANPAT RAI Bihari,(who really needs a job) is being interviewed by a British Colonel Smith. Col. Smith: "Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat Rai)!" Bihari: "Nahi, sir, jyada nahi!" Col. Smith: "Kya 'jyada nahi' bolta hai, tumhara application me likha hua hai Gand fat rahai." Bihari : "Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga." Col. Smith: "Tum daily marata hai (tum Delhi me rahta hai)?" Bihari : "Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!" Col. Smith: "Gand fat rahai, idhar aaoo, kya 'kabhi kabhi' bolta hai? Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum daily marata hai." Bihari : "Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marata honga." The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col. Smiths' family asks him to do. Col. Smith: "Gand fatrahai!" Bihari : "Ji maalik." Col. Smith: "Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai." Bihari : "Hukum Sarkaar!" Col. Smith: "Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)...baad mein hamaari biwi ko chodenga...aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga." Bihari : "Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekin main aap ko nahi chod sakta." Col.Smith: "Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega." Bihari : "Nahi sarkaar, aisa zulum naa kare." Col. Smith: "Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga." Bihari : "Theek hai, sarkaar ....jo hukum." After a few days there is no one except Col.Smith's wife at home. She is alone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to 'tie the knot behind.' So... Wife: "Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?" Bihariri : "Ji Maalkin." Wife: "Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro!" (gaanth maro - tie the bra knot). Bihari : "Yeh kya keh rahi hai, Maalkin?" Wife: "Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai." Bihari : "Nahi Nahi, Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge." Wife: "Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi." Bihari : "Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum." Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time, starts like a bull. Panic stricken the wife tries to turn and shouts: "GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI!" Bihari: "Memsaab...Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega ne!"
Case 1
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down,underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil. Case 2
One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whooping amount to do so. But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line.. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line. Moral: Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems Always Focus on solutions & not on problems So at the end of the day the thing that really matters is HOW ONE LOOKS INTO THE PROBLEM, mere perceptions can solve the tough problems....
