The girl next door by Jack Ketchum NEXT DOOR WHERE P!N "!#E$% WHERE THERE RE NO "!&!T$ TO THE DRKE$T !&'!NT!ON (THE '!R" NEXT DOOR i) ali*e%%% in a +ay mo)t +ork) o, -o-ular ,iction ne*er attain. it doe) not /u)t -romi)e terror but actually deli*er) it% 0ut it1) a -age2turner3 all right. no doubt about that%( 2,rom the !ntroduction by $te-hen King (Reali)m i) +hat make) thi) no*el )o terri,ying the mon)ter) in THE '!R" NEXT DOOR are human3 and all the more horri,ying ,or it%%%%Ketchum1) +riting ha) the -o+er that1) mi))ing ,rom 456 o, the book) on the market today% He ne*er -lay) it )a,e3 ne*er goe) ,or the co-2out. +hat you ex-ect to ha--en3 doe)n1t%%% -)ychological horror at it) ,ine)t%( 2&ike 0aker3 ,raid
J7K KET7H8& !ntroduction by $te-hen King THE O#ER"OOKED 7O""E7T!ON O*erlook 7onnection Pre))
94:4 by Dalla) &ayr Du)t Jacket and interior !llu)tration 944; by Neal &cPheeter) Publi)hed by O*erlook 7onnection Pre)) P%O% 0ox <=; Wood)tock3 ' >59:: Phone? @@524=;29@;= Aax? @@52<9;29B;4 !nternet? O*erlookcnCaol%com
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$igned "ettered Edition o, <= co-ie) -ubli)hed in a deluxe mahogany +ood )li-ca)e3 +ith door% !$0N 54;>>>4@>@ Exclu)i*e end-a-er art+ork3 "ettered Edition3 944; by 7laudia 7arl)on $igned "imited Edition o, <55 co-ie) -ubli)hed in a )li-ca)e% !$0N 54;>>>4@=4 (!ntroduction to The 'irl Next Door( 944; $te-hen King Thi) book i) a +ork o, ,iction% ll right) re)er*ed% No -art o, thi) book may be re-roduced or tran)mitted in any ,orm or by any mean)3 electronic or mechanical3 +ithout the +ritten -ermi))ion o, the Publi)her% The O*erlook 7onnection Pre)) +ould like to thank the ,ollo+ing +ho)e hel- made thi) *ery )-ecial edition -o))ible? &ar)ha DeAili--o3 $hirley $onderegger3 lice &arten3 Ke*in nder)on and Rebecca &oe)ta3 7hri) $mith3 Hank Wagner3 Jim &oore3 0ill &ayo3 $te-hen King3 $tanley Wiater3 "ucy Taylor3 7hri) 'olden3 Ed+ard "ee3 Phili Nutman3 Neal &cPheeter)3 Paula White3 and e)-ecially Dalla) &ayr +ho +orked +ith u) clo)ely and e*ery )te- o, the +ay% $-ecial thank) to Johnathan and ian Wilmot +ho helmake the O7P a little ea)ier e*eryday% To my brother Jon% ! lo*e you% ! mi)) you% 0oy do !% our bro3 Da*e
!ntroduction to The 'irl Next Door ! ha*e +ritten brie,ly about Ketchum be,ore3 )aying that he1) become a cult ,igure among genre reader) and a kind o, hero to tho)e o, u) +ho +rite tale) o, terror and )u)-en)e% That1) a) true no+ a) it +a) +hen ! +rote it% He i)3 in a real )en)e3 the clo)e)t thing +e ha*e to an merican 7li*e 0arker %%% although that1) more a matter o, )en)ibility than it i) o, )tory3 a) Ketchum rarely3 i, e*er3 deal) +ith the )u-ernatural% That hardly matter)3 though% What doe) i) that no +riter +ho ha) read him can hel- being in,luenced by him3 and no general reader +ho run) acro)) hi) +ork can ea)ily ,orget him% He ha) become an archety-e% That ha) been true e*er )ince hi) ,ir)t no*el3 O,, $ea)on a kind o, literary Night o, the "i*ing DeadF3 and it i) certainly true o, The 'irl Next Door3 +hich i) -robably the de,initi*e Ketchum +ork% The +riter he mo)t re)emble)3 a) ,ar a) !1m concerned3 co ncerned3 i) Jim Thom-)on3 the mythic hardboiled no*eli)t o, the late ,ortie) and ,i,tie)% "ike Thom-)on3 Ketchum1) entire ou*re ha) been i))ued in -a-erback in hi) nati*e country at lea)t. he1) been -ubli)hed in hardco*er once or t+ice in EnglandF3 he ha) ne*er come +ithin hailing di)tance o, the be)t )eller li)t( he i) ne*er re*ie+ed out)ide o, genre -ublication) )uch a) 7emetery Dance and Aangoria +here he i) only rarely under)toodF3 he i) almo)t com-letely unkno+n to the general reading -ublic% et3 a) +ith Thom-)on3 he1) an extremely
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intere)ting +riter3 ,erociou) and )ometime) brilliant3 -o))e))ed o, great talent and a black3 de)-airing *i)ion% Hi) +ork li*e) in a +ay that the +ork o, mo)t o, hi) better2 kno+n literary colleague) cannot e*en a--roach2! am thinking o, )uch di)-arate no*eli)t) a) William Kennedy3 E"% Doctoro+3 and Norman &ailer% !n ,act3 o, merican no*eli)t) +orking today3 the only one ! am ab)olutely )ure i) +riting better and more im-ortant )torie) than Jack Ketchum i) 7ormac &c7arthy% Thi) i) hea*y -rai)e to lay u-on an ob)cure +riter o, -a-erback original)3 but it1) not hy-e% "ike it or not and many +ho read the no*el +hich ,ollo+) +on1t like itF3 it1) the truth% Jack Ketchum i) the real good)% nd3 you might remember3 7ormac &c7arthy him)el, +a) an ob)cure3 chronically broke +riter until he -ubli)hed ll the Pretty Hor)e)3 a co+boy romance not *ery )imilar to hi) -re*iou) book)% 8nlike &c7arthy3 Ketchum ha) little intere)t in den)e3 lyrical language% He +rite) a ,lat merican line3 a) Jim Thom-)on did3 +ith a rill o, /agged3 hal, hy)terical humor to brighten it2! think o, Eddie3 the craGy kid ,rom The 'irl Next Door3 D oor3 +alking do+n the )treet ()tri--ed to the +ai)t +ith a big li*e black )nake )tuck bet+een hi) teeth%( et +hat really in,orm) Ketchum1) +ork i)n1t humor but horror2like Jim Thom-)on be,ore him )ee The 'ri,ter) or The Killer !n)ide &e ,or in)tance3 in)tance3 t+o book) Jack Ketchum almo)t could ha*e +rittenF3 + rittenF3 he i) ,a)cinated by the exi)tential horror o, li,e3 o, a +orld +here a girl can be relentle))ly tortured not by one -)ychotic +oman but by a +hole neighborhood. a +orld +here e*en the hero i) too late3 too +eak3 and too di*ided again)t him)el, to make much di,,erence% The 'irl Next Door i) )hort2only =>= -age) long2but it i) )till a +ork o, con)iderable )co-e and ambition% Thi) doe)n1t )ur-ri)e me much3 in a +ay. other than -oetry3 the )u)-en)e no*el ha) been the mo)t ,ruit,ul ,orm o, arti)tic ex-re))ion in merica1) -o)t #ietnam year) they ha*e not no t been good year) ,or u)3 arti)tically )-eaking. ,or the mo)t -art +e baby2boomer) ha*e gotten on a) badly +ith our art a) +e ha*e +ith our -olitical and )exual li*e)F% !t1) -robably al+ay) ea)ier to make good art +hen ,e+er -eo-le are +atching critically3 and that ha) been the ca)e +ith the merican )u)-en)e no*el )ince Arank Norri)1) &cTeague3 another no*el Jack Ketchum could ha*e +ritten although the Ketchum *er)ion +ould -robably ha*e le,t out a lot o, the tire)ome talk and been con)iderably )horter %%% right around =>= -age)3 let1) )ayF% The 'irl Next Door the -hra)e it)el, )ummoning u- image) o, do-ey3 good2natured romance3 +alk) in the t+ilight3 dance) at the )chool gymF begin) a) a kind o, ,i,tie) archety-e% !t i) narrated by a young boy3 ,or one thing3 a) )uch tale) almo)t al+ay) are think o, 7atcher in the Rye3 $e-arate Peace3 my o+n no*ella The 0odyF3 and o-en) a,ter a cha-ter +hich i) really a -rologueF in a mar*elou)ly Huck Ainny +ay? a bare,oot boy +ith cheek) o, tan i) )-ra+led acro)) a ri*er2rock in the )ummer )unlight3 catching cra+ dad) in a tin can% Here he i) /oined by &eg3 -retty3 -onytailed3 ,ourteen3 and3 o, cour)e3 Ne+ in To+n% $he and her younger )i)ter3 $u)an3 are )taying +ith Ruth3 a )ingle mom rai)ing three boy)% One o, the)e boy) i) young Da*id1) be)t ,riend o, cour)eF3 co ur)eF3 and the bunch o, them )-end the e*ening) cra)hed out in ,ront o, the T# in Ruth 7handler1) li*ing room3 +atching )itcom) like Aather Kno+) 0e)t and a nd +e)tern) like 7heyenne% Ketchum e*oke) the ,i,tie)mthe mu)ic3 the in)ularity o, )uburban li,e3 the ,ear) )ymboliGed by the bomb )helter in the 7handler ba)ement2+ith economy and -reci)ion% Then he grab) thi) )-ectacularly )tu-id -iece o, ne*er2+a) mythology by it) hem and
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turn) it in)ide2out +ith breathtaking ea)e% To begin beg in +ith3 ,ather certainly doe)n1t kno+ be)t in young Da*id1) ,amily. thi) ,ather i) a com-ul)i*e -hilanderer +ho)e marriage i) hanging by a thread% Da*id kno+) it3 too% (&y ,ather had -lenty o, o--ortunity ,or a,,air) and he took them3( he )ay)% (He met them late and he met them early%( !t1) a thin +hicrack o, irony3 but loaded +ith a bead o, )hot at the ti-3 /u)t the )ame. you1re already mo*ing on +hen you yo u realiGe it )ting) a little% &eg and $u)an ha*e +a)hed u- at the 7handler hou)e a) a re)ult o, a car accident )omeone )hould do a )tudy )omeday on The E*er2Po-ular 7ar ccident and !t) !m-act on merican "iteratureF% t ,ir)t it )eem) they +ill ,it in nicely +ith Ruth1) bo y)2Woo,er3 Donny3 Willie3 Jr%2and +ith Ruth her)el,3 the )ort o, ea)ygoing +oman +ho yarn) a lot3 )moke) a lot3 and i)n1t abo*e o,,ering the boy) a beer out o, the ,ridge3 i, they -romi)e to kee- uiet about it to their -arent)% Ketchum gi*e) +onder,ul dialogue and Ruth1) got a great *oice3 hard2edged and /u)t a tri,le ra)-y in the mind1) ear% (Take a le))on3 boy)3( )he )ay) at one -oint% (Remember thi)% !t1) im-ortant% ll you got to do any time i) be nice to a +oman2and )he1ll do all )ort) o, good thing) ,or you %%% Da*ey +a) nice to &eg and got him)el, a -ainting %%% 'irl) are -lain ea)y %%% Promi)e 1em a little )omething and you can ha*e +hat you +ant hal, the time%( The -er,ect healing en*ironment and the -er,ect adult authority2,igure ,or a cou-le o, traumatiGed girl)3 one might think exce-t thi) i) Jack Ketchum +e1re dealing +ith here3 and Jack Ketchum don1t -lay that +ay% Ne*er did3 -robably ne*er +ill% Ruth3 ,or all her cheer,ully cynical3 +aitre))2+ith a heart o,2gold exterior3 i) lo)ing her gri- on )anity3 )-iraling into a hell o, *iolence and -aranoia% $he i) a hideou) but oddly -ro)aic *illain3 a -er,ect choice ,or the Ei)enho+er year)% We1re ne*er told +hat i) +rong +ith her. it i) not by accident that the tali)manic -hra)e held in common by Ruth and the children +ho )-end time at her hou)e i) Don1t mention it% That -hra)e could be a )ummation o, the ,i,tie)3 and in thi) no*el e*eryone take) and it to heart until u ntil it i) much too late to a*ert the ,inal con*ul)ion)% !n the end3 Ketchum i) le)) intere)ted in Ruth than he i) in the kid)2not /u)t the 7handler boy) and Da*id3 but all the other) that dri,t in and out o, the 7handler ba)ement +hile &eg i) )lo+ly being murdered% !t i) Eddie that Ketchum care) about3 and Deni)e3 and Tony3 and Kenny3 and 'len3 and the +hole da,,y ,i,tie) gang3 the boy) +ith ,latto-) 0utch2Waxed in ,ront and )cab) on their knee) ,rom -laying ba)eball% $ome3 like Da*id3 do little more than +atch% Other) end u- -artici-ating3 right o, u- to the -oint +here they collaborate in )titching the +ord) ! A87K A87K &E acro)) &eg1) midri,, +ith hot needle)% They +ander in %%% they +ander out %%% they +atch T# %%% they drink 7oke) and eat -eanut butter )and+iche) %%% and no one tell)% No one -ut) a )to- to +hat1) going on in the )helter% !t i) a nightmare )cenario3 Ha--y H a--y Day) cro))ed +ith 7lock+ork Orange3 The "i,e and "o*e) o, Dobie 'illi) in a craGed mating +ith The 7ollector% !t +ork) not becau)e o, Ketchum1) -er,ect )uburban -itch but becau)e +e are ,orced to belie*e3 again)t aga in)t our +ill)3 that +ith the right combination o, alienated children and the right adult o*er)eeing the horror and3 abo*e3 all3 +ith the right atmo)-here o, mind2your2o+n2bu)ine)) to +ork in3 thi) might be -o))ible% -o ))ible% !t +a)3 a,ter all3 the era in +hich a +oman named Kitty 'eno*e)e +a) )tabbed to death o*er a -eriod
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o, )e*eral hour) in a Ne+ ork alley% $he )creamed re-eatedly ,or hel- and there +ere -lenty o, -eo-le +ho )a+ +hat +a) ha--ening3 but no one did anything to )to- it% No one e*en called the co-)% Don1t mention it mu)t ha*e been their motto %%% and ho+ much o, a )te- i) it3 really3 ,rom don1t mention it to let1) hel-I Da*id3 the narrator3 i) the no*el1) one e))entially decent character3 and a) )uch he i) -robably right in blaming him)el, ,or the ,inal holocau)t in Ruth 7handler1) ba)ement. decency decen cy i) a re)-on)ibility a) +ell a) a )tate o, being3 and a) the one human -re)ent +ho under)tand) that +hat1) ha--ening i) e*il3 he i) ultimately more cul-able than the morally *acant children +ho burn3 cut3 and )exually abu)e the girl next door% Da*id take) -art in none o, the)e thing)3 but neither doe) he tell hi) -arent) +hat1) going on in the 7handler hou)e or re-ort it to the -olice% Part o, him e*en +ant) to be -art o, it% We ,eel a kind o, )ati),action +hen Da*ey ,inally doe) )tein2it1) the one cold ray o, )un)hine )un )hine Ketchum allo+) u)2but +e al)o hate him ,or not doing it )ooner% !, hate +a) all +e ,elt ,or thi) mi)begotten narrator3 The 'irl Next Door +ould ,all o,, the moral tightro-e it +alk)3 a) 0rett Ea)ton Elli)1) merican P)ycho did% 0ut Da*id i) -erha-) Ketchum1) mo)t trium-hantly realiGed character3 mile) ,rom Elli)1) Elli)1) -orno2 cy-her)3 and hi) com-lexity gi*e) thi) book a re)onance +hich i) not al+ay) -re)ent in hi) earlier no*el)% We ,eel -ity ,or him3 +e + e under)tand hi) initial reluctance to -each on Ruth 7handler3 +ho treat) kid) a) human being) in)tead o, nui)ance) that are al+ay) did getting under,oot3 and +e al)o under)tand hi) ultimately lethal inability to gra)- the reality o, +hat1) ha--ening% (nd then )ometime) it +a) %%% like the kind o, mo*ie) that came along later in the $ixtie)3( Da*id )ay)% (Aoreign mo*ie)3 mo)tly2+here the dominant ,eeling you had +a) o, inhabiting )ome ,a)cinating3 hy-notic in den)ity o, ob)cure illu)ion3 or layer) and layer) o, meaning that in the end indicated a total ab)ence o, +ell meaning3 +here actor) +ith cardboard ,ace) mo*ed +ho -a))i*ely through )urreal nightmare land)ca-e)3 em-ty i) o, emotion)3 adri,t%( Aor me3 the brilliance o, The 'irl Next Door )tem) ,rom the ,act that3 in the end3 ! acce-ted Da*id a) a *alid but -art o, my +orld2*ie+3 a) *alid2and in )ome +ay) a) the un+elcome2a) "ou Aord3 the -)ychotic )heri,, +ho laugh) and beat) and kill) hi) +ay through the -age) o, Jim Thom-)on1) The Killer !n)ide &e% O, cour)e3 co ur)e3 Da*id i) much more decent than "ou Aord% That1) +hat make) him )o a+,ul% Jack Ketchum i) a brilliantly *i)ceral no*eli)t +ho)e bleak -erce-tion o, human nature i) -erha-) only ri*aled by that o, Arank Norri) and &alcolm "o+ry% He ha) been -re)ented to hi) reader) a) the creator o, )u)-en)e,ul -age2turner) the Warner -a-erback o, The 'irl Next Door a--eared +ith a )keletal cheerleader on the co*er3 an image +hich ha) nothing to do +ith anything beneath it. the book look) like either a #7% ndre+) gothic or an R%"% $tine (cam-2horror( /u*enileF% He i) )u)-en)e,ul3 and hi) no*el) are -age turner) but the co*er and -re)entation - re)entation )till mi)re-re)ent him a) com-letely a) the co*er) o, Jim Thom-)on1) no*el) mi)re-re)ented him% The 'irl Next Door i) ali*e in a +ay no #7% ndre+) no*el e*er +a)3 in a +ay mo)t +ork) o, -o-ular ,iction ne*er attain. it doe) not /u)t -romi)e terror but actually deli*er) it% 0ut it1) a -age turner all right. no doubt about that% The)e are -age) you +ill dread to turn3 and turn any+ay% Ketchum1) thematic ambition) are uiet but large. they do not3 ho+e*er3
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inter,ere +ith the no*eli)t1) main ta)k3 +hich i) to beguile be guile the reader1) +hole attention by ,air mean) or ,oul% &o)t o, Ketchum1) are ,oul %%% but boy3 do they e*er +ork% The 'irl Next Door i) a long +ay ,rom the )tu-id )chmaltG o, $lo+ Dance in 7edar 0end or the harmle))3 heroic )henanigan) o, The Rainmaker3 +hich may be +hy Ketchum i)n1t kno+n to -eo-le +ho con,ine their reading to the Ne+ ork Time) be)t )eller)% Ne*erthele))3 +e +ould be -oorer in term) o, our literary ex-erience +ithout him3 it )eem) to me% He i) a genuine iconocla)t3 a +riter +ho i) really good3 goo d3 one o, the ,e+ out)ide o, the 7ho)en 7ircle +ho really matter% Jim Thom-)on1) +ork ha) remained con)tantly in -rint and con)tantly read long a,ter the +ork) o, many in the 7ho)en 7ircle o, hi) o+n day ha*e ,allen out o, -rint and thought% The )ame thing i) almo)t certainly going to ha--en +ith Jack Ketchum %%% exce-t ! +ould like to )ee it ha--en to him be,ore he die)3 a) +a) the ca)e +ith Thom-)on% n edition )uch a) thi)3 +hich i) )ure to attract attention and comment3 i) a )te- in that direction% 0angor3 &aine June =B3 944<
Do ou got to tell me bra*e ca-tain 9 Why are the +icked )o )trongI Ho+ do the angel) get to )lee- When the de*il lea*e) the -orch light onI 22Tom Wait) ! ne*er +ant to hear the )cream) O, the teenage girl) in other -eo-le1) dream)%2The $-ecial) The )oul under the burden o, )in cannot ,lee%2!ri) &urdoch3 The 8nicorn ou think you kno+ about -ainI Talk to my )econd +i,e% $he doe)% Or )he think) )he doe)% $he )ay) that once +hen )he +a) nineteen or t+enty )he got bet+een a cou-le o, cat) ,ighting2her o+n cat and a neighbor1)2and one o, them +ent at her3 climbed her like a tree3 tore ga)he) out o, her thigh) and brea)t) and belly that you yo u )till can )ee today3 )cared her )o badly )he ,ell back bac k again)t her mother1) turn2o,2the2century Hoo)ier3 breaking her be)t ceramic -ie -late and )cra-ing )ix inche) o, )kin o,, her rib) +hile the cat made it) +ay back do+n her again3 all tooth and cla+ and )-itting ,ury% Thirty2)ix )titche) ! think )he )aid )he got% nd a ,e*er that la)ted day)% &y )econd +i,e )ay) that1) -ain% $he doe)n1t kno+ )hit3 that +oman% E*elyn3 my ,ir)t +i,e3 ha) maybe gotten clo)er% There1) an image that haunt) her%
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$he i) dri*ing do+n a rain2)lick high+ay on a hot )ummer morning in a rented #ol*o3 her lo*er by her )ide3 dri*ing )lo+ly and care,ully becau)e )he kno+) ho+ treacherou) ne+ rain on hot )treet) can be3 +hen a #olk)+agen -a))e) her and ,i)htail) into her lane% !t) rear bum-er +ith the ("i*e Aree or Die( -late) )lide) o*er and ki))e) her grille% lmo)t gently% The rain doe) the re)t% The #ol*o reel)3 )+er*e)3 glide) o*er an embankment and )uddenly )he and her lo*er are tumbling through )-ace3 they are +eightle)) and turning3 and u- i) do+n and then u- and then do+n again% t )ome -oint the )teering +heel break) her )houlder% The rear *ie+ mirror crack) her +ri)t% Then the rolling )to-) and )he1) )taring u- at the ga) -edal o*erhead% $he look) ,or her lo*er but he i)n1t there anymore. he1) di)a--eared3 it1) magic% $he ,ind) the door on the dri*er1) )ide and o-en) it3 cra+l) out onto +et gra))3 )tand) and -eer) through the rain% nd thi) i) the image that haunt) her2a man like a )ack o, blood3 ,layed3 )kinned ali*e3 lying in ,ront o, the car in a )-ray o, gla)) )-ackled red% Thi) )ack i) her lo*er% nd thi) i) +hy )he1) clo)er% E*en though )he block) +hat )he kno+)2e*en though )he )lee-) night)% $he kno+) that -ain i) not /u)t a matter o, hurting3 o, her o+n )tartled body com-laining at )ome in*a)ion o, the ,le)h% Pain can +ork ,rom the out)ide in% ! mean that )ometime) +hat you )ee i) -ain% Pain in it) crude)t3 -ure)t ,orm% Without drug) or )lee- or e*en )hock or coma to dull it ,or you% ou )ee it and you take it in% nd then it1) you% ou1re ho)t to a long +hite +orm that gna+) and eat)3 gro+ing3 g ro+ing3 ,illing your inte)tine) until ,inally you cough one morning and u- come) the blind -ale head o, the thing )liding ,rom your mouth like a )econd tongue% Kid) get )econd chance)% ! like to think !1m u)ing mine% Though a,ter t+o di*orce)3 bad one)3 the +orm i) a-t to gna+ a little% $till ! like to remember that it +a) the Ai,tie)3 a -eriod o, )trange re-re))ion)3 )ecret)3 hy)teria% ! think think about Joe &c7arthy3 though ! barely remember thinking o, him at all back then exce-t to +onder +hat it +a) that +ould make my ,ather race home ,rom +ork e*ery day to catch the committee hearing) on T#% ! think about the 7old War% bout air2raid drill) in the )chool ba)ement a nd ,ilm) +e )a+ o, atomic te)ting2de-artment2)tore manneuin) im-loding3 blo+n acro)) mockuli*ing room)3 di)integrating3 burning% bout co-ie) o, Playboy and &an1) ction hidden in +ax -a-er back by the brook3 )o moldy a,ter a +hile that you hated to touch them% ! think about El*i) being denounced by the Re*erend DeitG at 'race "utheran 7hurch +hen ! +a) ten and the rock 1n1 roll riot) at lan Areed1) )ho+) at the Paramount% ! )ay to my)el, )omething +eird +a) ha--ening3 ha--e ning3 )ome great merican boil about to bur)t% That it +a) ha--ening all o*er3 not /u)t at Ruth1) hou)e but e*ery+here%
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nd )ometime) that make) it ea)ier% What +e did% !1m ,orty2one no+% 0orn in 94B;3 94B ;3 )e*enteen month) to the day d ay a,ter +e dro--ed the 0omb on Hiro)hima% &ati))e had /u)t turned eighty% ! make a hundred ,i,ty grand a year3 +orking the ,loor on Wall $treet% T+o marriage)3 no kid)% home in Rye and a com-any a-artment in the city% &o)t -lace) ! go ! u)e limou)ine)3 though in Rye ! dri*e a blue &ercede)% !t may be that !1m about to marry again% The +oman ! lo*e kno+) nothing o, +hat !1m +riting here2nor did my other +i*e)2and ! don1t do n1t really kno+ i, ! e*er mean to tell her% Why )hould !I !1m )ucce)),ul3 e*en2tem-ered3 generou)3 gen erou)3 a care,ul and con)iderate lo*er% nd nothing in my li,e ha) been right )ince the )ummer o, 94<:3 +hen Ruth and Donny and Willie and all the re)t o, u) met &eg "oughlin and her he r )i)ter $u)an% ! +a) alone back by the brook3 lying on my )tomach acro)) the 0ig Rock +ith a tin can in my hand% ! +a) )coo-ing u- cray,i)h% ! had t+o o, them already in a larger can be)ide me% "ittle one)% ! +a) looking ,or their mama% The brook ran ,a)t along either )ide o, me% ! could ,eel the )-ray on my bare ,eet dangling near the +ater% The +ater +a) cold3 the )un +arm% ! heard a )ound in the bu)he) and looked u-% The -rettie)t girl !1d e*er )een +a) )miling at me o*er the embankment% $he had long tanned leg) and long red hair tied back in a -onytail3 +ore )hort) and a -ale2colored blou)e o-en at the neck% ! +a) t+el*e and a hal,% $he +a) older% ! remember )miling back at her3 though ! +a) rarely agreeable to )tranger)% (7ray,i)h3( ! )aid% ! dum-ed out a tin o, +ater% (ReallyI( ! nodded% (0ig one)I( (Not the)e% ou can ,ind them3 though%( (7an ! )eeI( $he dro--ed do+n o,, the bank /u)t like a boy +ould3 not )itting ,ir)t3 /u)t -utting her le,t hand to the ground and *aulting the three2,oot dro- to the ,ir)t big )tone in the line that led GigGag acro)) the +ater% $he )tudied the line a moment and then cro))ed to the Rock% ! +a) im-re))ed% $he had no he)itation and her balance +a) -er,ect% ! made room ,or her% There +a) )uddenly thi) ,ine clean )mell )itting next to me% Her eye) +ere green% $he looked around% To all o, u) back then the Rock +a) )omething )-ecial% !t )at )mack in the middle o, the dee-e)t -art o, the brook3 the +ater running clear and ,a)t around it% ou had room ,or ,our kid) )itting or )ix )tanding u-% !t had been a -irate )hi-3 Nemo1) Nautilu)3 and a canoe ,or the "enni "enna-e among other thing)% Today the +ater +a) maybe three and a hal, ,eet dee-% $he )eemed ha--y to be there3 not )cared at all%
:
(We call thi) the 0ig Rock3( ! )aid% (We u)ed to3 ! mean% When +e +ere kid)%( (! like it3( )he )aid% (7an ! )ee the cray,i)hI !1m &eg%( (!1m Da*id% $ure%( $he -eered do+n into the can% Time +ent by and +e )aid nothing% $he )tudied them% Then )he )traightened u- again% (Neat%( (! /u)t catch 1em and look at 1em a +hile and then let them go% 2( (Do they biteI( (The big one) do% They can1t hurt you3 though% nd the little one) /u)t try to run%( (They look like lob)ter)%( (ou ne*er )a+ a cray,i)h be,oreI( (Don1t think they ha*e them in Ne+ ork 7ity%( $he laughed% ! didn1t mind% (We get lob)ter)3 though% They can hurt you%( (7an you kee- oneI ! mean3 you can1t kee- a lob)ter like a -et or anything3 rightI( $he laughed again% (No% ou eat them%( (ou can1t kee- a cray,i)h either% They die% One day or maybe t+o3 to-)% ! hear -eo-le eat them too3 though%( (ReallyI( (eah% $ome do% !n "oui)iana or Alorida or )ome-lace%( We looked do+n into the can% (! don1t kno+3( )he )aid3 )miling%
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(There1) not a +hole lot to eat do+n there%( ("et1) get )ome big one)%( We lay acro)) the Rock )ide by )ide% ! took the can and )li--ed both arm) do+n into the brook% The trick +a) to turn the )tone) one at a time3 )lo+ly )o a) not to muddy the +ater3 then ha*e the can there ready ,or +hate*er )cooted out ,rom under% The +ater +a) )o dee- ! had my )hort)lee*e )hirt rolled all the +ay u- to my )houlder)% ! +a) a+are o, ho+ long and )kinny my arm) mu)t look to her% ! kno+ they looked that +ay to me% ! ,elt -retty )trange be)ide her3 actually% 8ncom,ortable but excited% $he +a) di,,erent ,rom the other girl) ! kne+3 ,rom Deni)e or 7heryl on the block or e*en the girl) at )chool% Aor one thing )he +a) maybe a hundred time) -rettier% ) ,ar a) ! +a) concerned )he +a) -rettier than Natalie Wood% Probably )he +a) )marter than the girl) ! kne+ too3 more )o-hi)ticated% $he li*ed in Ne+ ork 7ity a,ter all and had eaten lob)ter)% nd )he mo*ed /u)t like a boy% $he had thi) )trong hard body and ea)y grace about her% ll that made me ner*ou) and a nd ! mi))ed the ,ir)t one% Not an enormou) cray,i)h but bigger than +hat +e had% !t )cudded back+ard beneath the Rock% $he a)ked i, )he could try% ! ga*e her the can% (Ne+ ork 7ity3 huhI( (u-%( $he rolled u- her )lee*e) and di--ed do+n into the +ater% nd that +a) +hen ! noticed the )car% (JeeG% What1) thatI( !t )tarted /u)t in)ide her le,t elbo+ and ran do+n to the +ri)t like a long -ink t+i)ted +orm% $he )a+ +here ! +a) looking% (ccident3( )he )aid% (We +ere in a car%( Then )he looked back into the +ater +here you could )ee her re,lection )himmering% (JeeG%( 0ut then )he didn1t )eem to +ant to talk much a,ter that% ('ot any more o, 1emI( ! don1t kno+ +hy )car) are al+ay) )o ,a)cinating to boy)3 but they are3 it1) a ,act o, li,e3 and ! /u)t couldn1t hel- it% ! couldn1t )hut u- about it yet% E*en though ! kne+ )he +anted me to3 e*en though +e1d /u)t met% ! +atched her turn o*er a rock% There +a) nothing
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under it% $he did it correctly though. )he didn1t muddy the +ater% ! thought )he +a) terri,ic% $he )hrugged% ( ,e+% That1) the +or)t%( (7an ! )ee themI( (No% ! don1t think )o%( $he laughed and looked at me a certain +ay and ! got the me))age% nd then ! did )hut u,or a +hile% $he turned another rock% Nothing% (! gue)) it +a) a bad one3 huhI The accidentI( $he didn1t an)+er that at all and ! didn1t blame her% ! kne+ ho+ )tu-id and a+k+ard it )ounded3 ho+ in)en)iti*e3 the moment ! )aid it% ! blu)hed and +a) glad g lad )he +a)n1t looking% Then )he got one% The rock )lid o*er and the cray,i)h backed right out into the can and all )he had to do +a) bring it u-% $he -oured o,, )ome +ater and tilted the can to+ard the )unlight% ou could )ee that nice gold color they ha*e% !t) tail +a) u- and it) -incer) +a*ing and an d it +a) )talking the bottom o, the can3 looking ,or )omebody to ,ight% (ou got her( (Air)t try( ('reat $he1) really great%( ("et1) -ut her in +ith the other)%( $he -oured the +ater out )lo+ly )o a) not to di)turb her or lo)e her exactly the +ay you +ere )u--o)ed to3 though nobody had told her3 and then +hen there +a) only an inch or )o le,t in the can3 -lunked her into the bigger can% The t+o that +ere already in there ga*e her -lenty o, room% That +a) good becau)e cray,i)h +ould kill each other )ometime)3 they1d kill their o+n kind3 and the)e t+o other) +ere /u)t little guy)%
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!n a +hile the ne+ one calmed do+n and +e )at there +atching her% $he looked -rimiti*e3 e,,icient3 deadly3 beauti,ul% #ery -retty color and *ery )leek o, de)ign% ! )tuck my ,inger in the can to )tir her u- again% (Don1t%( Her hand +a) on my arm% !t +a) cool and )o,t% ! took my ,inger out again% ! o,,ered her a )tick o, Wrigley1) and took one my)el,% Then all you could hear ,or a +hile +a) the +ind +hoo)hing through the tall thin gra)) acro)) the embankment and ru)tling the bru)h along the brook and the )ound o, the brook running ,a)t ,rom la)t night1) rain3 and u) che+ing% (ou1ll -ut them back3 rightI ou -romi)eI( ($ure% ! al+ay) do%( ('ood%( $he )ighed and then )tood u-% (!1*e got to get back ! gue))% We1*e got )ho--ing to do% 0ut ! +anted to look around ,ir)t thing% ! mean3 +e1*e ne*er had a +ood) be,ore% Thank)3 Da*id% !t +a) ,un%( $he +a) hal,+ay acro)) the )tone) by the time ! thought to a)k her% (Hey 0ack +hereI Where are you goingI( $he )miled% (We1re )taying +ith the 7handler)% $u)an and an d !% $u)an1) my )i)ter%( Then ! )tood too3 like )omebody had /erked me to my ,eet on in*i)ible )tring)% (The 7handler)I RuthI Donny and Willie1) momI( $he ,ini)hed cro))ing and turned and )tared at me% nd )omething in her ,ace +a) di,,erent no+ all o, a )udden% 7autiou)%
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!t )to--ed me% (That1) right% We1re cou)in)% $econd cou)in)% cou )in)% !1m Ruth1) niece ! gue))%( Her *oice had gone odd on me too% !t )ounded ,lat2like there +a) )omething ! +a)n1t )u--o)ed to kno+% "ike )he +a) telling me )omething and hiding it at the )ame time% !t con,u)ed me ,or a moment% ! had the ,eeling that maybe it con,u)ed her too% !t +a) the ,ir)t !1d )een her ,lu)tered% E*en including the )tu,, about the )car% ! didn1t let it bother me though% 0ecau)e the 7handler)1 hou)e +a) right next door to my hou)e% nd Ruth +a) %% % +ell3 Ruth +a) great% E*en i, her h er kid) +ere /erk) )ometime)% Ruth +a) great% (Hey( ! )aid% (We1re neighbor) &ine1) the bro+n hou)e next door( ! +atched her climb the embankment% When )he got to the to- )he turned and her )mile +a) back again3 the clean o-en look )he1d had +hen )he ,ir)t )at do+n be)ide me on the Rock% $he +a*ed% ($ee you3 Da*id%( ($ee you3 &eg%( Neat3 ! thought% !ncredible% !1ll be )eeing her all the time% !t +a) the ,ir)t )uch )uch thought !1d e*er had% ! realiGe that no+%
That day3 on that Rock3 ! met my adole)cence head2on in the -er)on o, &egan "oughlin3 a )tranger t+o year) older than ! +a)3 +ith a )i)ter3 a )ecret3 and long red hair% That it )eemed )o natural to me3 that ! emerged un)haken and e*en ha--y about the ex-erience ! think )aid much ,or my ,uture -o))ibilitie)2and - o))ibilitie)2and o, cour)e ,or her)% When ! think o, that3 ! hate Ruth 7handler% Ruth3 you +ere beauti,ul then% !1*e thought about you a lot2no3 !1*e re)earched you3 !1*e gone that ,ar3 dug into your -a)t3 -arked acro)) the )treet one day ,rom that Ho+ard *enue o,,ice building you +ere al+ay) telling u) about3 +here you
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ran the +hole damn )ho+ +hile the 0oy) +ere a+ay ,ighting The 0ig One3 the War to End ll War) Part T+o2that -lace +here you +ere utterly3 ab)olutely indi)-en)able until the (little '! -uke) came )trutting back home again3 ( a) you -ut it3 and )uddenly you +ere out o, a /ob% ! -arked there and it looked ordinary3 Ruth% !t looked )ualid and )ad and boring% ! dro*e to &orri)to+n +here you +ere born and that +a) nothing too% O, cour)e ! didn1t kno+ +here your hou)e +a) )u--o)ed to be but ! certainly couldn1t )ee your grand di)a--ointed dream) being born there either3 in that to+n3 ! couldn1t )ee the riche) your -arent) )u--o)edly thru)t u-on you3 )ho+ered you +ith3 ! couldn 1t )ee your +ild ,ru)tration% ! )at in your hu)band Willie $r% 1) bar2ye)22 ,ound him Ruth !n Aort &yer)3 Alorida3 +here he1d been e*er )ince he le,t you +ith your three )ualling brat) and a mortgage all the)e thirty year) ago3 ! ,ound him -laying barkee- to the )enior citiGen)3 a mild man3 amiable3 long -a)t hi) -rime2! )at there and looked at hi) ,ace and into hi) eye) and +e talked and ! couldn1t )ee the man you al+ay) )aid he +a)3 the )tud3 the (1lo*ely !ri)h ba)tard3( that mean )ono*abitch% He looked like a man gone )o,t and old to me% drinker1) no)e3 a drinker1) gut3 a ,at ,allen a)) in a -air o, baggy britche)% nd he looked like he1d ne*er been hard3 Ruth% Ne*er% That +a) the )ur-ri)e3 really% "ike the hardne)) +a) el)e+here% $o +hat +a) it3 RuthI ll ll lie)I ll your o+n in*ention)I ! +ouldn 1t -ut it -a)t you% Or maybe it +a) that ,or you2,unneled through you2lie) and truth +ere the )ame% !1m going to try to change that no+ i, ! can% !1m going to tell our little )tory% $traight a) ! can ,rom here on in and no interru-tion)% nd !1m +riting thi) ,or you3 Ruth% 0ecau)e 0ecau )e ! ne*er got to -ay you back3 really% $o here1) my check% O*erdue and o*erdra+n% 7a)h it in hell%
Early the ,ollo+ing morning ! +alked next n ext door% ! remember ,eeling )hy about it3 a little a+k+ard3 and that +a) -retty unu)ual becau)e nothing could ha*e been more natural than to )ee +hat +a) going on o*er there% !t +a) morning% !t +a) +a ) )ummer% nd that +a) +hat you did% ou got u-3 ate break,a)t and then you +ent out)ide and looked around to )ee +ho +a) +here% The 7handler hou)e +a) the u)ual -lace to )tart% "aurel *enue +a) a dead2end )treet back then2it i)n1t anymore2a )ingle )hallo+ cut into the hal,2circle o, +oodland that bordered the )outh )ide o, We)t &a-le and ran back ,or maybe a mile behind it% When the road +a) ,ir)t cut during the early 9:55) the +ood) +ere )o thick +ith tall ,ir)t gro+th timber they called it Dark "ane% That timber +a) all gone by no+ but it +a) )till a uiet3 -retty )treet% $hade tree) e*ery+here3 each hou)e di,,erent ,rom the one be)ide it and not too clo)e together like )ome you )a+% There +ere )till only thirteen home) on the block% Ruth1)3 our)3 ,i*e other) going u- the hill on our )ide o, the
9B
)treet and )ix on the o--o)ite% E*ery ,amily but the orn) had kid)% nd e*ery kid kne+ e*ery other kid like he kne+ hi) o+n brother% $o i, you +anted com-any you could al+ay) ,ind )ome back by the brook or the crab a--le gro*e or u- in )omebody1) yard2 +hoe*er had the bigge)t -la)tic -ool that year or the target ,or bo+ and arro+% !, you +anted to get lo)t that +a) ea)y too% The +ood) +ere dee-% The Dead End Kid)3 +e called our)el*e)% !t had al+ay) been a clo)ed circle% We had our o+n )et o, rule)3 our o+n my)terie)3 our o+n )ecret)% We had a -ecking order and +e a--lied it +ith a *engeance% We +ere u)ed to it that +ay% 0ut no+ there +a) )omebody ne+ on the block% $omebody ne+ o*er at Ruth1) -lace% !t ,elt ,unny% E)-ecially becau)e it +a) that )omebody% E)-ecially becau)e it +a) that -lace% !t ,elt -retty damn ,unny indeed% Ral-hie +a) )uatting out by the rock garden% !t +a) maybe eight o1clock and already he +a) dirty% There +ere )treak) o, )+eat and grime all o*er hi) ,ace and arm) and leg) like he1d been running all morning and ,alling do+n th+ack in dee- cloud) o, du)t% Aalling ,reuently% Which he -robably had3 kno+ing Ral-hie% Ral-hie +a) ten year) old and ! don1t think !1d e*er )een him clean ,or more than ,i,teen minute) in my li,e% Hi) )hort) and T2)hirt +ere cru)ty too% (Hey3 Woo,er%( Exce-t ,or Ruth3 nobody called him Ral-hie2al+ay) Woo,er% When he +anted to be could )ound more like the Robert)on)1 ba))et hound &it)y than &it)y could%
(Hiya3 Da*e%( He +a) turning o*er rock)3 +atching -otato bug) and thou)and2logger) )curry a+ay a+a y ,rom the light% 0ut ! could )ee he +a)n1t intere)ted in them% He ke-t mo*ing one rock a,ter the other% Turning them o*er3 dro--ing them do+n again% He had a "ibby1) lima bean) can be)ide him and he ke-t on )hi,ting that too3 kee-ing it clo)e be)ide hi) )cabby knee) a) he +ent ,rom rock to rock% (What1) in the canI( (Nightcra+ler)3( he )aid% He )till hadn1t looked at me% He +a) concentrating3 ,ro+ning3 mo*ing +ith that /erky ner*ou) energy that +a) + a) -atented Woo,er% "ike he +a) a )cienti)t in a lab on the brink o, )ome incredible ,anta)tic di)co*ery and he +i)hed you1d /u)t lea*e him the hell alone to get on +ith it% He ,li--ed another rock%
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(Donny aroundI( (e-%( He nodded% Which meant that Donny +a) in)ide% nd )ince ! ,elt kind o, ner*ou) about going in)ide ! )tayed +ith him a+hile% He u-ended a big one% nd a--arently ,ound +hat he +a) a,ter% Red ant)% )+arm o, them do+n there beneath the rock2hundred)3 thou)and) o, them% ll going craGy +ith the )udden light% !1*e ne*er been ,ond o, ant)% We u)ed to -ut u -ot) o, +ater to boil and then -our it on them +hene*er they decided it +ould be nice to climb the ,ront2-orch )te-) o*er at our -lace2+hich -lace2 +hich ,or )ome rea)on they did about abou t once e*ery )ummer% !t +a) my dad1) idea3 but ! endor)ed it entirely% ! thought boiling +ater +a) /u)t about +hat ant) de)er*ed% ! could )mell their iodine )mell along +ith +et earth ea rth and +et cut gra))% Woo,er -u)hed the rock a+ay and then reached into the "ibby1) can% He dug out a nightcra+ler and then a )econd one and dum-ed them in +ith the ant)% He did thi) ,rom a di)tance o, about three ,eet% "ike he +a) bombing the ant) +ith +orm meat% The ant) re)-onded% The +orm) began rolling and bucking a) the ant) di)co*ered their )o,t -ink ,le)h% ($ick3 Woo,er3( ! )aid% (That1) really )ick%( (! ,ound )ome black one) o*er there3( he )aid% He -ointed to a rock on the o--o)ite )ide o, the -orch% (ou kno+3 the big one)% 'onna collect 1em and -ut 1em in +ith the)e guy) here% $tart an ant +ar% ou +ant to bet +ho +in)I( (The red ant) +ill +in3( ! )aid% (The red ant) al+ay) +in%( !t +a) true% The red ant) +ere ,erociou)% nd thi) game +a) not ne+ to me% (! got another idea3( ! )aid% (Why don1t you )tick your hand in thereI Pretend you1re $on o, Kong or )omething%( He looked at me% ! could tell he +a) con)idering it% Then he )miled% (Na+3( he )aid% (That1) retarded%(
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! got u-% The +orm) + orm) +ere )till )uirming% ($ee you3 Woo,3( ! )aid% ! climbed the )tair) to the -orch% ! knocked on the )creen door and +ent in)ide% Donny +a) )-ra+led on the couch +earing nothing but a -air o, +rinkled +hite )le-t2in boxer )hort)% He +a) only three month) older than ! +a) but much bigger in the che)t and )houlder) and no+3 recently3 he +a) de*elo-ing a -retty good belly3 ,ollo+ing in the ,oot)te-) o, hi) brother3 Willie Jr% !t +a) not a beauti,ul thing to )ee and ! +ondered +here &eg +a) no+% He looked u- at me ,rom a co-y o, Pla)tic &an% Per)onally !1d -retty much uit the comic) )ince the 7omic 7ode came in in 1
9@
(Wait here +hile ! get dre))ed and +e1ll go )ee +hat Eddie1) doing%( ! groaned% O, all the kid) on "aurel *enue Eddie +a) the one ! tried to )tay a+ay ,rom% Eddie +a) craGy% ! remember Eddie +alking do+n the )treet once in the middle o, a )tickball game +e +ere -laying )tri--ed to the +ai)t +ith a big li*e black )nake )tuck bet+een hi) teeth% Nature 0oy% He thre+ it at Woo,er3 +ho )creamed3 and then at 0illy 0orkman% !n ,act he ke-t -icking it u- and thro+ing it at all the little kid) and cha)ing them +a*ing the )nake until the concu))ion o, hitting the road )o many time) )ort o, got to the )nake e*entually and it +a)n1t much ,un anymore% Eddie got you in trouble% Eddie1) idea o, a great time +a) to do )omething dangerou) or illegal3 -re,erably both2+alk the cro))beam) o, a hou)e under con)truction or -elt crab a--le) at car) ,rom 7anoe 0rook 0ridge2and maybe get a+ay +ith it% !, you got caught or hurt that +a) okay3 that +a) ,unny% !, he got caught or hurt it +a) )till ,unny%
"inda and 0etty &artin )+ore they )a+ him bite o,, the head o, a ,rog once% Nobody doubted it% Hi) hou)e +a) at the to- o, the )treet on the o--o)ite )ide ,rom u)3 and Tony and "ou &orino3 +ho li*ed next door3 )aid they heard hi) ,ather beating u- on him all the time% Practically e*ery night% Hi) mother and )i)ter got it too% ! remember hi) mother3 a big gentle +oman +ith rough thick -ea)ant hand)3 crying o*er co,,ee in the kitchen +ith my mom3 her right eye a great big -u,,y )hiner% &y dad )aid &r% 7rocker +a) nice enough )ober but a mean drunk% ! didn1t kno+ about that but Eddie had inherited hi) ,ather1) tem-er and you ne*er kne+ +hen it +ould go o,, on you% When it did3 he +a) a) likely to -ick u- a )tick or a rock a) u)e hi) hand)% We all bore the )car) )ome+here% !1d been on the recei*ing end more than once% No+ ! tried to )tay a+ay% Donny and Willie liked him though% "i,e +ith Eddie +a) exciting3 you had to gi*e him that much% Though e*en they kne+ Eddie +a) craGy% round Eddie they got craGy too% (Tell you +hat3( ! )aid% (!1ll +alk you u-% 0ut !1m not gonna hang around u- there%( (hh3 come on%( (!1*e got other )tu,, to do%( (What )tu,,I(
9:
(Ju)t )tu,,%( (What1re you gonna do3 go home and li)ten to your mother1) Perry 7omo record)I( ! ga*e him a look% He kne+ he +a) out o, line% We +ere all El*i) ,an)% He laughed% ($uit your)el,3 )-ort% Ju)t +ait u- a minute% !1ll be right there%( He +ent do+n the hall to hi) bedroom and it occurred to me to +onder ho+ they +ere +orking that no+ that &eg and $u)an +ere there3 /u)t +ho +a) )lee-ing +here% ! +alked o*er to the couch and -icked u- hi) Pla)tic &an% ! ,li--ed the -age) and -ut it do+n again% Then ! +andered ,rom the li*ing room to the dining area +here Ruth1) clean laundry lay ,olded on the table and ,inally into the kitchen% ! o-ened the Arigidaire% ) u)ual there +a) ,ood ,or )ixty% ! called to Donny% (Okay to ha*e a 7okeI( ($ure% nd o-en one ,or me3 +ill yaI( ! took out the 7oke)3 -ulled o-en the right2hand dra+er and got the bottle o-ener% !n)ide the )il*er+are +a) )tacked all neat and an d tidy% !t al+ay) )truck me a) +eird ho+ Ruth had all thi) ,ood all the time yet had h ad )er*ice only ,or ,i*e2,i*e )-oon)3 ,i*e ,ork)3 ,i*e kni*e)3 kn i*e)3 ,i*e )teak kni*e)3 and no )ou- )-oon) at all% O, cour)e exce-t ,or u) Ruth ne*er had any com-any that ! kne+ o,% 0ut no+ there +ere )ix -eo-le li*ing there% ! +ondered i, )he1d ,inally ha*e to break do+n and buy )ome more% ! o-ened the bottle)% Donny came out and ! handed him one% He +a) +earing /ean) and Ked) Ke d) and a T2)hirt% The T2)hirt +a) tight o*er hi) belly% ! ga*e it a little -at there% (0etter +atch it3 Donald3( ! )aid% (0etter +atch it your)el,3 homo%( (Oh3 that1) right3 !1m a homo3 rightI( (ou1re a retard i) +hat you are%( (!1m a retardI ou1re a )kank%( ($kankI 'irl) are )kank)% 'irl) and homo) ho mo) are )kank)% ou1re the )kank% !1m the Duke o, Earl%( He -unctuated it +ith a -unch to the arm +hich ! returned3 and +e /o)tled a little%
94
Donny and ! +ere a) clo)e to be)t ,riend) a) boy) got in tho)e day)% We +ent out through the back door into the yard3 then around the dri*e+ay to the ,ront3 and )tarted u- to Eddie1)% !t +a) a matter o, honor to ignore the )ide+alk% We +alked in the middle o, the )treet% We )i--ed our 7oke)% There +a) ne*er any tra,,ic any+ay% (our brother1) maiming +orm) in the rock garden3( ! told him% He glanced back o*er hi) )houlder% (7ute little ,ella3 ain1t he3( ($o ho+ do you like itI( ! a)ked him% ("ike +hatI( (Ha*ing &eg and her )i)ter aroundI( He )hrugged% (Don1t kno+% They /u)t got here%( He took a )+ig o, 7oke3 belched3 and )miled% (That &eg1) -retty cute3 though3 ain1t )heI $hit &y cou)in( ! didn1t +ant to comment3 though ! agreed +ith him% ($econd cou)in3 though3 you kno+I &ake) a di,,erence% 0lood or )omething% ! dunno% 0e,ore3 +e ne*er )a+ 1em%( (Ne*erI( (&y mom )ay) once% ! +a) too young to remember%( (What1) her )i)ter likeI(
($u)anI "ike nothing% Ju)t a little kid% What i) )he3 ele*en or )omethingI( (Woo,er1) only ten%( (eah3 right% nd +hat1) Woo,erI( ou couldn1t argue there% ('ot me))ed u- bad in that accident3 though%( ($u)anI( He nodded and -ointed to my +ai)t%
=5
(eah% 0roke e*erything ,rom there on do+n3 my mom )ay)% E*ery bone you got% Hi-)3 leg)3 e*erything%( (JeeG%( ($he )till don1t +alk too good% good % $he1) all ca)ted u-% 'ot tho)e2+hat do you call 1emI22metal thing)3 )tick)3 that )tra- on to your arm) and an d you grab 1em3 haul your)el, along% Kid) +ith -olio +ear 1em% ! ,orget +hat they1re called% "ike crutche)%( (JeeG% !) )he going to +alk againI( ($he +alk)%( (! mean like regular%( (! dunno%( We ,ini)hed our 7oke)% We +ere almo)t at the to- o, the hill% !t +a) almo)t time ,or me to lea*e him there% That or )u,,er Eddie% (They both died3 y1kno+3( he )aid% Ju)t like that% ! kne+ +ho he meant3 o, cour)e3 but ,or a moment ! /u)t couldn1t get my mind to +ra- around it% Not No t right a+ay% !t +a) much too +eird a conce-t% Parent) didn1t /u)t die% Not on my )treet% nd certainly not in car accident)% That kind o, thing ha--ened el)e+here3 in -lace) more dangerou) than "aurel *enue% They ha--ened in mo*ie) or in book)% ou heard about it on Walter 7ronkite% "aurel *enue +a) a dead2end )treet% ou +alked do+n the middle o, it% 0ut ! kne+ he +a)n1t lying% ! remembered &eg not +anting to talk about the accident or the )car) and me -u)hing% ! kne+ he +a)n1t lying but it +a) hard to handle% We /u)t ke-t +alking together3 me not )aying anything3 /u)t looking at him and not really )eeing him either% $eeing &eg% !t +a) a *ery )-ecial moment% ! kno+ &eg attained a certain glamour ,or me then% $uddenly it +a) not /u)t that )he +a) -retty or )mart or able to handle her)el, cro))ing the brook2)he +a) almo)t unreal% "ike no one !1d e*er met or +a) likely to meet out)ide o, book) or the &atinee% "ike )he +a) ,iction3 )ome )ort o, heroine% ! -ictured her back by the Rock and no+ ! )a+ thi) -er)on +ho +a) really bra*e lying next to me% ! )a+ horror% $u,,ering3 )ur*i*al3 di)a)ter% Tragedy% ll thi) in an in)tant% Probably ! had my mouth o-en% ! gue)) Donny thought ! didn1t kno+ +hat he +a) talking about% (&eg1) -arent)3 numb nut) 0oth o, o , 1em% &y mom )ay) they mu)t ha*e died in)tantly% That they didn1t kno+ +hat hit 1em%( He )norted% (Aact i)3 +hat hit 1em +a) a 7hry)ler%(
nd it may ha*e been hi) rich bad ta)te that -ulled me back to normal%
=9
(! )a+ the )car on her arm3( ! told him% (eah3 ! )a+ it3 too% Neat3 huhI ou )hould )ee $u)an1) though% $car) all o*er the -lace% 'ro))% &y mom )ay) )he1) lucky to be ali*e%( ($he -robably i)%( (nyho+ that1) ho+ come +e1*e got 1em% There i)n1t anybody el)e% !t1) u) or )ome or-hanage )ome+here%( He )miled% ("ucky them3 huhI( nd then he )aid )omething that came back to me later% t the time ! gue))ed it +a) true enough3 but ,or )ome rea)on ! remembered it% ! remembered it +ell% He )aid it /u)t a) +e got to Eddie1) hou)e3 ! )ee my)el, )tanding in the middle o, the road about to turn and go back do+n the hill again3 go o,, by my)el, )ome+here3 not +anting any -art o, Eddie2at lea)t not that day% ! )ee Donny turning to thro+ the +ord) o*er hi) )houlder on hi) +ay acro)) the la+n to the -orch% 7a)ually3 but bu t +ith an odd )ort o, )incerity about him3 a) though thi) +ere ab)olute go)-el% (&y mom )ay) &eg1) the lucky one3( he )aid% (&y mom )ay) )he got o,, ea)y%(
!t +a) a +eek and a hal, be,ore ! got to )ee her again a-art ,rom a glim-)e here and there2 taking out the tra)h once3 +eeding in the garden% No+ that ! kne+ the +hole )tory it +a) e*en harder to a--roach her% !1d ne*er ,elt )o )hy% !1d rehear)e +hat ! might )ay to her% 0ut nothing )ounded right% What did you )ay to )omeone +ho1d /u)t lo)t hal, her ,amilyI !t )tood there like a rock ! couldn1t )cale% $o ! a*oided her% Then my ,amily and ! did our yearly duty tri- to $u))ex 7ounty to *i)it my ,ather1) )i)ter3 )o ,or ,our +hole day) ! didn1t ha*e to think about ab out it% !t +a) almo)t a relie,% ! )ay almo)t becau)e my -arent) +ere le)) than t+o year) ,rom di*orce by then and the tri- +a) a+,ul2three ten)e day) o, )ilence in the car going u- and coming back +ith a lot o, -hony /olline)) in bet+een that +a) )u--o)ed to bene,it my aunt and uncle but didn1t% ou could )ee my aunt and uncle looking at one another e*ery no+ and then a) i, to )ay Je)u)3 get the)e -eo-le out o, here% They kne+% E*erybody kne+% &y -arent) couldn1t ha*e hidden -ennie) ,rom a blind man by then% 0ut once +e +ere home it +a) back to +ondering about &eg again% ! don1t kno + +hy it ne*er occurred to me /u)t to ,orget it3 that )he might not +ant to be reminded o, her -arent)1 death any more than ! +anted to talk about it%
==
0ut it didn1t% ! ,igured you had h ad to )ay )omething and ! couldn1t get it right% !t +a) im-ortant to me that ! not make an a)) o, my)el, o*er thi)% !t +a) im-ortant to me that ! not make an a)) o, my)el, in &eg1) eye) -eriod% ! +ondered about $u)an too% !n nearly t+o +eek) !1d ne*er )een her% That ran contrary to e*erything ! kne+% Ho+ could you li*e next door to )omeone and ne*er )ee herI ! thought about her leg) and Donny )aying her )car) +ere really bad to look at% &aybe )he +a) a,raid to go out% ! could relate to that% !1d been )-ending a lot o, time indoor) my)el, the)e day)3 a*oiding her )i)ter% !t couldn1t la)t though% !t +a) the ,ir)t +eek o, June by then3 time ,or the Ki+ani) Karni*al% To mi)) the Karni*al +a) like mi))ing )ummer% Directly acro)) ,rom u) not hal, a block a+ay +a) an old )ix2room )choolhou)e called 7entral $chool +here +e all u)ed to go a) little kid)3 grade) one through ,i*e% They held the Karni*al there on the -layground e*ery year% E*er )ince +e +ere old enough to be allo+ed to cro)) the )treet +e1d go o*er and +atch them )et u-% Aor that one +eek3 being that clo)e3 +e +ere the luckie)t kid) in to+n% Only the conce))ion) +ere run by the Ki+ani)2the ,ood )tand)3 the game booth)3 the +heel) o, ,ortune% The ride) +ere all handled by a -ro,e))ional touring com-any and run by carnie)% To u) the carnie) +ere exotic a) hell% Roughlooking men and +omen +ho +orked +ith 7amel) )tuck bet+een their teeth3 )uinting again)t ag ain)t the )moke curling into their eye)3 )-orting tattoo) and callu)e) and )car) and )melling o, grea)e and old )+eat% They cur)ed3 they drank $chlitG a) they +orked% "ike u)3 they +ere not o--o)ed to )-itting lunger) in the dirt% We lo*ed the Karni*al and +e lo*ed the carnie)% ou had to% !n a )ingle )ummer a,ternoon they +ould take our -layground and tran),orm it ,rom a -air o, ba)eball diamond)3 a blackto-3 and a )occer ,ield into a brand2ne+ city o, can*a) and +hirling )teel% They did it )o ,a)t you could hardly belie*e your eye)% !t +a) magic3 and the magician) all had gold2tooth )mile) and (! lo*e #elma( etched into their bice-)% !rre)i)tible% !t +a) )till -retty early and +hen ! +alked o*er they +ere )till un-acking the truck)% Thi) +a) +hen you couldn1t talk to them% They +ere too bu)y% "ater +hile they +ere )etting u- or te)ting the machinery you could hand them tool)3 maybe e*en get a )io, beer out o, them% The local kid) +ere their bread and butter a,ter all% They +anted you to come back that night +ith ,riend) and ,amily and they +ere u)ually ,riendly% 0ut no+ you /u)t had to +atch and kee- out o, the +ay% 7heryl and Deni)e +ere already there3 leaning on the back)to- ,ence behind home -late and )taring through the link)% ! )tood +ith them% Thing) )eemed ten)e to me% ou could )ee +hy% !t +a) only morning but the )ky looked dark and threatening% Once3 a ,e+ year) ago3 it had rained e*ery night o, the Karni*al exce-t Thur)day% E*erybody took a beating +hen that ha--ened% The gri-) and carnie) +orked grimly no+3 in )ilence%
7heryl and Deni)e li*ed u- the )treet acro)) ,rom one another% They +ere ,riend) but ! think only becau)e o, +hat elda 'ilroy on The Dobie 'illi) $ho+ u)ed to call -ro-inuity% They didn1t ha*e much in common% 7heryl +a) a tall )kinny brunette +ho +ould -robably be -retty a ,e+ year) later but no+ )he +a) + a) all arm) and
=>
leg)3 taller than ! +a) and t+o year) younger% $he had t+o brother)2Kenny and &alcolm% &alcolm +a) /u)t a little kid +ho )ometime) -layed +ith Woo,er% Kenny +a) almo)t my age but a year behind me in )chool% ll three kid) +ere *ery uiet and +ell2beha*ed% Their -arent)3 the Robert)on)3 took no )hit but ! doubt that by nature they +ere di)-o)ed to gi*e any% Deni)e +a) Eddie1) )i)ter% nother ty-e entirely% Deni)e +a) edgy3 ner*ou)3 almo)t a) reckle)) a) her brother3 +ith a marked -ro-en)ity to+ard mockery% ) though all the +orld +ere a bad /oke and )he +a) the only one around +ho kne+ the -unchline% (!t1) Da*id3( )he )aid% nd there +a) the mockery3 /u)t -ronouncing my name% ! didn1t like it but ! ignored it% That +a) the +ay to handle Deni)e% !, )he got no ri)e )he got no -ayo,, and it made her more normal e*entually% (Hi 7heryl% Deni)e% Ho+1re they doingI( Deni)e )aid3 (! think that1) the Tilt2a2Whirl there% "a)t year that1) +here they -ut the Octo-u)%( (!t could )till be the Octo-u)3( )aid 7heryl% (8nh2unh% $ee tho)e -lat,orm)I( $he -ointed to the +ide )heet) o, metal% (The Tilt2a2Whirl1) got -lat,orm)% Wait till they get the car) out% ou1ll )ee%( $he +a) right% When the car) came out it +a) the Tilta2Whirl% "ike her ,ather and her brother Eddie3 Deni)e +a) good at mechanical thing)3 good +ith tool)% (They1re +orried about rain3( )he )aid% ( They 1re +orried%( )aid 7heryl% (!1m +orried( $he )ighed in exa)-eration% !t +a) *ery exaggerated% ! )miled% There +a) al+ay) )omething )+eetly )eriou) about 7heryl% 7h eryl% ou /u)t kne+ her ,a*orite book boo k +a) lice in Wonderland% The truth +a)3 ! liked her% (!t +on1t rain3( Deni)e )aid% (Ho+ do you kno+I( (!t /u)t +on1t%( "ike )he +ouldn1t let it% ($ee that thereI( $he -ointed to a huge gray and +hite truck rolling back to the center o, the )occer ,ield%
=B
(! bet that1) the Aerri) +heel% That1) +here they had it la)t year and the year be,ore% Want to )eeI( ($ure3( ! )aid% We )kirted the Tilt2a2Whirl and )ome kiddie boat ride) they +ere unloading on the macadam3 +alked along the cyclone ,ence that )e-arated the -layground ,rom the brook3 cut through a ro+ o, tent) going u- ,or the ring2to)) and bottle2thro+ and +hate*er3 and came out onto the ,ield% The gri-) had /u)t o-ened the door) to the truck% The -ainted grinning clo+n head on the door) +a) )-lit do+n the middle% They )tarted -ulling out the girder)% !t looked like the Aerri) +heel all right% Deni)e )aid3 (&y dad )ay) )omebody ,ell o,, la)t year in tlantic 7ity% They )tood u-% ou e*er )tand u-I( 7heryl ,ro+ned% (O, cour)e not%( Deni)e turned to me% (! bet you ne*er did3 did youI( ! ignored the tone% Deni)e al+ay) had to +ork )o hard to be )uch a brat all the time% (No3( ! )aid% (Why +ould !I( (7au)e it1) ,uni( ! $he +a) grinning and )he )hould ha*e been -retty +hen )he grinned% $he had good +hite teeth and a lo*ely3 delicate mouth% 0ut )omething al+ay) +ent +rong +ith Deni)e1) )mile% There +a) al+ay) )omething manic in it% "ike )he really +a)n1t ha*ing much ,un at all de)-ite +hat )he +anted you to think% L !t al)o di)a--eared too ,a)t% !t +a) unner*ing% a !t did that no+ and )he )aid )o only ! could hear3 (! +a) thinking about The 'ame be,ore%( $he looked )traight at me *ery +ide2eyed and )eriou) like there +a) )omething more to come3 )omething im-ortant% ! +aited% ! thought maybe )he ex-ected me to an)+er% ! didn1t% !n)tead3 ! looked a+ay to+ard the truck% The 'ame3 ! thought% 'reat% ! didn1t like to think about The 'ame% 0ut a) long a) Deni)e and )ome o, the other) +ere around ! )u--o)ed !1d ha*e to% !t )tarted early la)t )ummer% bunch o, u)2 me3 Donny3 Willie3 Woo,er3 Eddie3 Tony and "ou &orino3 and ,inally3 later3 Deni)e2u)ed to meet back by the a--le orchard to -lay +hat +e called 7ommando% We -layed it )o o,ten that )oon it +a) /u)t (The 'ame%(
=<
! ha*e no idea +ho came u- +ith it% &aybe Eddie or the &orino)% !t /u)t )eemed to ha--en to u) one day and ,rom then on it +a) /u)t there% !n The 'ame one guy +a) (it(% He +a) the 7ommando% Hi) ()a,e( territory +a) the orchard% The re)t o, u) +ere a -latoon o, )oldier) bi*ouacked a ,e+ yard) a+ay u- on a hill near the brook +here3 a) )maller kid)3 +e1d once -layed King o, the &ountain% We +ere an odd bunch o, )oldier) in that +e had no +ea-on)% We1d lo)t them3 ! gue))3 during )ome battle% !n)tead it +a) the 7ommando +ho had the +ea-on)2a--le) ,rom the orchard3 a) many a) he could carry% !n theory he al)o had the ad*antage o, )ur-ri)e% Once he +a) ready he1d )neak ,rom the orchard through the bru)h and raid our cam-% With luck he could bo- at lea)t one o, u) +ith an a--le be,ore being )een% The a--le) +ere bomb)% !, you got hit +ith an a--le you +ere dead3 you +ere out o, the game% $o the ob/ect +a) to hit a) many guy) a) you could be,ore getting caught% ou al+ay) got caught% That +a) the -oint% The 7ommando ne*er +on% ou got caught becau)e3 ,or one thing3 e*erybody el)e +a) )itting on a ,airly good2)iGed hill +atching and +aiting ,or you3 and unle)) the gra)) +a) *ery high and you +ere *ery lucky3 you had to get )een% $o much ,or the element o, )ur-ri)e% $econd3 it +a) )e*en again)t one3 and you had /u)t the )ingle ()a,e( ba)e back at the orchard yard) a+ay% $o here you +ere ,iring +ildly o*er your )houlder running like craGy back to your ba)e +ith a bunch o, kid) like a -ack o, u dog) at your heel)3 and maybe you1d get one or t+o or three o, them but e*entually they1d get you% nd a) ! )ay3 that +a) the -oint% 0ecau)e the ca-tured 7ommando got tied to a tree in the gro*e3 arm) tied behind hi) back3 leg) hitched together% He +a) gagged% He +a) blind,olded% nd the )ur*i*or) could do anything they +anted to him +hile the other)2e*en the (dead( guy)2looked on% $ometime) +e all +ent ea)y and )ometime) not% The raid took maybe hal, an hour% The ca-ture could take all day% t the *ery lea)t3 it +a) )cary% Eddie3 o, cour)e3 got a+ay +ith murder% Hal, the time you +ere a,raid to ca-ture him% He could turn on you3 break the rule)3 and The 'ame +ould become a bloody3 *iolent ,ree ,or2all% Or i, you did catch him there +a) al+ay) the -roblem o, ho+ to let him go% !, you1d done anything to him he didn1t like it +a) like )etting ,ree a )+arm o, bee)% et it +a) Eddie +ho introduced hi) )i)ter% nd once Deni)e +a) -art o, it the com-lexion o, The 'ame changed com-letely% Not at ,ir)t% t ,ir)t it +a) the )ame a) al+ay)% ! E*erybody took turn) and you got your) and ! got mine exce-t exc e-t there +a) thi) girl there% 0ut then +e )tarted -retending +e had to be nice to her% !n)tead o, taking turn) +e1d let her be +hate*er )he +anted to be% Troo-)
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or 7ommando% 0ecau)e )he +a) ne+ to The 'ame3 becau)e )he +a) a girl% nd )he )tarted -retending to ha*e thi) ob)e))ion +ith getting all o, u) be,ore +e got her% "ike it +a) a challenge to her% E*ery day +a) ,inally going to be the day )he +on at 7ommando% We kne+ it +a) im-o))ible% $he +a) a lou)y )hot ,or one% Deni)e ne*er +on at 7ommando% $he +a) t+el*e year) old% $he had curly bro+n2red hair and her )kin +a) lightly ,reckled all o*er% $he had the )mall beginning) beg inning) o, brea)t)3 and thick -ale -rominent ni--le)% ! thought o, all that no+ and ,ixed my eye) on the truck3 on the +orker) and the girder)% 0ut Deni)e +ouldn1t lea*e it alone% (!t1) )ummer3( )he )aid% ($o ho+ come +e don1t -layI( $he kne+ damn +ell +hy +e didn1t -lay but )he +a) right too in a +ay2+hat had )to--ed The 'ame +a) nothing more than that the +eather had gotten too cold% That and the guilt o, cour)e% (We1re a little old ,or that no+3( ! lied% $he )hrugged% (8h2huh% &aybe% nd maybe you guy) are chicken%( (7ould be% !1*e got an idea3 though% Why don1t you a)k your brother i, he1) chicken%( $he laughed% (eah% $ure% Right%( The )ky +a) gro+ing darker% (!t1) going to rain3( )aid 7heryl% The men certainly thought )o% long +ith the girder) they +ere + ere hauling out can*a) tar-)3 )-reading them out in the gra)) /u)t in ca)e% They +ere +orking ,a)t3 trying to get the big +heel a))embled be,ore the do+n-our% ! recogniGed one o, them ,rom la)t )ummer3 a +iry blond b lond )outherner named 0illy 0ob or Jimmy 0ob )omething +ho had handed Eddie a cigarette he a)ked ,or% That alone made him memorable% No+ he +a) hammering -iece) o, the +heel together +ith a large ball2-een hammer3 laughing at )omething the ,at man )aid be)ide him% The laugh +a) high and )har-3 almo)t ,eminine% ou could hear the -ing o, the hammer and the truck)1 gear) groaning behind u)3 you could hear generator) running and the grinding o, machinery2and then a )udden )taccato -o-3 rain ,alling hard into the ,ield1) dry hard2-acked dirt% (Here it come)( L ! took my )hirt out o, my /ean) and -ulled it u- o*er my head% 7heryl and Deni)e +ere already running ,or the tree)% ! &y hou)e +a) clo)er than their)% ! didn1t really mind the rain% 0ut it +a) a good excu)e to get out o, there ,or a +hile% +ay ,rom Deni)e% ! /u)t couldn1t belie*e )he +anted to talk about The 'ame% ou could )ee the rain +ouldn1t la)t% !t +a) coming do+n too ,a)t3 too hea*ily% &aybe by the time it +a) o*er )ome o, the other kid) +ould be hanging around% ! could lo)e her% ! ran -a)t them huddled h uddled beneath the tree) ('oing home( ! )aid% Deni)e1) hair +a) -la)tered do+n o*er her cheek) and ,orehead% $he +a) )miling again% Her )hirt +a) )oaked clear through%
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! )a+ 7heryl reach out to me% That long bony +et arm dangling% (7an +e comeI( )he yelled% ! -retended ! didn1t hear% The rain +a) -retty loud o*er there in the lea*e)% ! ,igured 7heryl +ould get o*er it% ! ke-t running% Deni)e and Eddie3 ! thought% 0oy% What a -air% !, anybody i) e*er gonna get me into trouble it1ll be them% One or the other or both o, them% !t1) got to be% Ruth +a) on the landing taking in the mail ,rom her mailbox a) ! ran -a)t her hou)e% $he turned in the door+ay and )miled and +a*ed to me3 a) +ater ca)caded do+n the ea*e)%
! ne*er learned +hat bad ,eeling had come bet+een Ruth and my mother but )omething had +hen ! +a) eight or nine% 0e,ore that3 long be,ore &eg and $u)an came along ! u)ed to )lee- o*er night) +ith Donny and Willie and Woo,er in the double )et o, bunk bed) they had in their room% Willie had a habit o, lea-ing into bed at night )o he1d de)troyed a ,e+ bunk) o*er the year)% y ear)% Willie +a) al+ay) ,linging him)el, on )omething% When he +a) t+o or three3 Ruth )aid3 he1d de)troyed hi) crib com-letely% The kitchen chair) +ere all unhinged ,rom hi) )-ra+ling% 0ut the bunk) they had in the bedroom no+ +ere tough% They1d )ur*i*ed% $ince +hate*er ha--ened bet+een Ruth and my mother ! +a) allo+ed to )tay there only in,reuently% 0ut ! remember tho)e earlier night) +hen +e +ere kid)% We1d cut u- laughing in the dark ,or an hour or t+o +hi)-ering3 giggling3 )-itting o*er the )ide) at +hoe*er +a) on the bottom bunk) and then Ruth +ould come in and yell and +e1d go to )lee-% The night) ! liked be)t +ere Karni*al night)% Arom the o-en bedroom +indo+ ,acing the -layground +e could hear callio-e mu)ic3 )cream)3 the +hir and grind o, machinery%
The )ky +a) orange2red a) though a ,ore)t ,ire +ere raging3 -unctuated by brighter red) and blue) a) the Octo-u) +hirled /u)t out o, )ight behind the tree)% We kne+ +hat +a) out there2+e had /u)t come back ,rom there a,ter all3 our hand) )till )ticky ,rom cotton candy% 0ut )omeho+ it +a) + a) my)teriou) to lie li)tening3 long -a)t our bedtime3 )ilent ,or once3 en*ying adult) and an d teenager)3 imagining the terror) and thrill) o, the big ride) +e +ere too young to go on that +ere getting all tho)e )cream)% 8ntil the )ound) and light) )lo+ly ,aded a+ay3 re-laced by the laughter o, )tranger) a) they made their +ay back to car) all u- and do+n our block% ! )+ore that +hen ! got older enough !1d be the la)t one to lea*e% nd no+ ! +a) )tanding alone at the re,re)hment booth eating my third hot dog o, the e*ening and +ondering +hat the hell to do +ith my)el,% !1d ridden all the ride) ! cared to% !1d lo)t money at e*ery game and +heel o, ,ortune the -lace had to o,,er and all ! had +a) one tiny ceramic -oodle ,or my mother )ho*ed in my -ocket to )ho+ ,or it% !1d had my candy a--le3 my $no27one and my )lice o, -iGGa% !1d hung out +ith Kenny and &alcolm until &alcolm got )ick on the Di*e 0omber and then +ith Tony and "ou &erino and "inda and 0etty &artin until they +ent home% !t +a) ,un3 but no+ there +a) /u)t me% !t +a) ten o1clock% nd t+o hour) yet to go%
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!1d )een Woo,er earlier% 0ut Donny and Willie Jr% hadn1t )ho+n and neither had Ruth or &eg or $u)an% !t +a) odd becau)e Ruth +a) u)ually *ery big on Karni*al% ! thought o, going acro)) the )treet to )ee +hat +a) +hat but that +ould mean admitting ! +a) bored and ! +a)n1t ready to do that yet% ! decided !1d +ait a +hile% Ten minute) later &eg arri*ed% ! +a) trying my luck on number )e*en red and con)idering a )econd candy a--le +hen ! )a+ her +alk )lo+ly through the cro+d3 alone3 +earing /ean) and a bright green blou)e2and )uddenly ! didn1t ,eel )o )hy anymore% That ! didn1t ,eel )hy amaGed me% &aybe by then ! +a) ready ,or anything% ! +aited until ! lo)t on the red again and +ent o*er% nd then it +a) a) though ! +a) interru-ting )omething% $he +a) )taring u- at the Aerri) +heel3 ,a)cinated3 bru)hing back a lock o, long red hair +ith her ,inger)% ! )a+ )omething glint on her hand a) it dro--ed to her )ide% !t +a) a -retty ,a)t +heel% 8- to- the girl) +ere )uealing% (Hi3 &eg%( ! )aid% $he looked at me and )miled and )aid3 (Hi3 Da*id%( Then )he looked back at the +heel% ou could tell )he1d ne*er been on o n one be,ore% Ju)t the +ay )he )tared% What kind o, li,e +a) thatI ! +ondered% (Neat3 huhI !t1) ,a)ter than mo)t are%( $he looked at me again3 all excited% (!t i)I( (eah% Aa)ter than the one at Playland3 any+ay% Aa)ter than 0ertram1) !)land%( (!t1) beauti,ul%(
Pri*ately ! agreed +ith her% There +a) a )mooth ea)y a glide to the +heel !1d al+ay) liked3 a )im-licity o, -ur-o)e and de)ign that the )cary ride) lacked% ! couldn1t ha*e )tated it then but !1d al+ay) thought the +heel +a) grace,ul3 romantic% ! (Want ( Want to tryI( ! heard the eagerne)) in my *oice and +i)hed ,or i death% What +a) ! doingI The girl +a) older than me% &aybe L a) much a) three year) older% ! +a) craGy3 / ! tried to backtrack% &aybe !1d con,u)e her% (! (! mean3 !1d go on it +ith you i, you +ant% !, you1re )cared to% ! don1t mind%( > $he laughed% ! ,elt the kni,e2-oint li,t a+ay ,rom my throat% (7ome on3( )he )aid% $he took my hand and led me o*er% $omeho+ ! bought u) ticket) and +e )te--ed into a car and )at do+n% ll ! remember i) the ,eel o, her hand3 hand 3 +arm and dry in the cool night air3 the ,inger) )lim and )trong% That and my bright2red cheek) reminding me ! +a) t+el*e year) old on the +heel +ith )omething *ery much like a ,ull gro+n +oman% ! nd then the old -roblem came u- o, +hat to )ay3 +hile they loaded the re)t o, the car) and +e ro)e to the to-% ! )ol*ed it by )aying nothing% That )eemed ,ine +ith her% $he didn1t )eem uncom,ortable at all% Ju)t relaxed and content to be u- here looking do+n at the -eo-le and the +hole Karni*al )-read around her )trung +ith light) and u- o*er the tree) to our hou)e)3 rocking the car gently back and ,orth3 )miling3 humming a tune ! didn1t kno+% Then the +heel began turning and )he laughed and ! thought it +a) the ha--ie)t3 nice)t )ound !1d e*er heard and ,elt -roud o, my)el, ,or a)king her3 ,or making her ha--y and making her laugh the +ay )he did% ) ! )ay the +heel +a) ,a)t and u- at the to- almo)t com-letely )ilent3 all the noi)e n oi)e o, the Karni*al held do+n belo+ a) though en*elo-ed there3 and you -lunged do+n into it and then back out o, it again3 the noi)e receding uickly3 and at the to- you +ere almo)t +eightle)) in the cool breeGe )o that you +anted to hold on to the cro))bar ,or a moment ,or ,ear o,
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,lying a+ay entirely% ! looked do+n to her hand) on the bar and that +a) +hen ! )a+ the ring% !n the moonlight it looked thin and -ale% !t )-arkled% ! made a )ho+ o, en/oying the *ie+ but mo)tly it +a) her )mile and the excitement in her eye) ! +a) en/oying3 the +ay the +ind -re))ed and ,luttered the blou)e acro)) her brea)t)% Then our ride +a) at a t it) -eak and the +heel turned ,a)ter3 the airy )+ee-ing glide at it) mo)t grace,ul and elegant and thrilling a) ! looked at her3 her lo*ely o-en ,ace ru)hing ,ir)t through a ,rame o, )tar) and then -a)t the dark )choolhou)e and then the -ale bro+n tent) o, the Ki+ani)3 her hair blo+ing back and then ,or+ard o*er her ,lu)hed cheek) a) +e ro)e again3 and ! )uddenly ,elt tho)e ,ir)t t+o or three year) that )he had li*ed and ! hadn1t like a terrible +eighted irony3 like a cur)e3 and thought ,or a moment3 it i)n1t ,air% ! gi*e her thi) but that1) all and it1) /u)t not ,air%
The ,eeling -a))ed% 0y the time the ride +a) o*er and +e +aited near the to- all that +a) le,t +a) the -lea)ure at ho+ ha--y )he looked% nd ho+ ali*e% ! could talk no+% (Ho+1d you like itI( ('od3 ! lo*ed it ou kee- treating me to thing)3 Da*id%( (! can1t belie*e you ne*er rode be,ore%( ( (&y -arent) %%% ! kno+ they al+ay) meant to take u) )ome-lace% Pali)ade) Park or )ome+here% We /u)t ne*er got around to it3 ! gue))%( (! heard about%% % e*erything% !1m )orry%( There% !t +a) out% $he nodded% (The +or)t i) mi))ing them3 you kno+I nd kno+ing they +on1t be back again% Ju)t kno+ing that% $ometime) you ,orget and it1) a) though they1re on *acation or )omething and you think3 gee3 ! +i)h they1d call% ou mi)) them% ou ,orget they1re really gone% ou ,orget the -a)t )ix month) e*en ha--ened% !)n1t that +eirdI !)n1t that craGyI Then you catch your)el, %% % and it1) real again% (! dream about them a lot% nd they1re al+ay) )till ali*e in my dream)% We1re ha--y%( ?i ! could )ee the tear) +ell u-% $he )miled and )hook her head%
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(Don1t get me )tarted3( )he )aid% We +ere on the do+n)ide no+3 mo*ing3 only ,i*e or )ix car) ahead o, u)% ! )a+ the next grou- +aiting to get on% ! looked do+n o*er the bar and noticed &eg1) ring again% $he )a+ me looking% (&y mother1) +edding band3( )he )aid% (Ruth doe)n1t like me to +ear it much but my mother +ould ha*e% !1m not going to lo)e it% !1d ne*er lo)e it%( (!t1) -retty% !t1) beauti,ul%( $he )miled% (0etter than my )car)I( ! ,lu)hed but that +a) okay3 )he +a) only kidding me% ( lot better%( The +heel mo*ed do+n again% Only t+o more car) to go% Time mo*ed dreamlike ,or me3 but e*en at that it mo*ed too uickly% ! hated to )ee it end% (Ho+ do you like itI( ! a)ked% (O*er at the 7handler1)I( $he )hrugged% (Okay ! gue))% Not like home% Not the +ay it +a)% Ruth1) kind o, %%% ,unny )ometime)% 0ut ! think )he mean) +ell% ($he -au)ed and then )aid3 (Woo,er1) a little +eird%( (ou can )ay that again%( We laughed% Though the comment about Ruth con,u)ed me% ! remembered the re)er*e in her *oice3 the coldne)) that ,ir)t day by the brook% (We1ll )ee3( )he )aid% (! )u--o)e it take) time to get u)ed to thing)3 doe)n1t it%( We1d reached the bottom no+% One o, the carnie) li,ted the cro))bar and held the car )teady +ith hi) ,oot% ! hardly noticed him% We )te--ed out%
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(!1ll tell you one thing ! don1t like3( )he )aid% $he )aid it almo)t in a +hi)-er3 like maybe )he ex-ected )omebody to hear and then re-ort to )omeone el)e2and a) though +e +ere con,idant)3 eual)3 cocon)-irator)%
! liked that a lot% ! leaned in clo)e% (WhatI( ! )aid% (That ba)ement3( )he )aid% (! don1t like that at . That )helter%( ! kne+ +hat )he meant% !n hi) day Willie 7handler $r% had been *ery handy% Handy and a little -aranoid% $o that ! gue)) +hen Khru)hche* told the 8nited Nation)3 (We +ill bury you3( you3 ( Willie $r% mu)t ha*e )aid )omething like the ,uck you +ill and built him)el, a bomb )helter in the ba)ement% !t +a) a room +ithin a room3 eight by ten ,eet +ide and )ix ,eet high3 modeled )trictly according to go*ernment )-eci,ication)% ou +ent do+n the )tair) ,rom their kitchen3 +alked -a)t the -aint can) )tacked beneath the )tair) and the )ink and then the +a)her and dryer3 turned a corner and +alked through a hea*y metal bolted door2originally the door to a meat locker2and you +ere in)ide a concrete enclo)ure at lea)t ten degree) colder than the re)t o, the -lace3 mu)ty2)melling and dark% There +ere no electrical outlet) and no light ,ixture% Willie had nailed girder) to the kitchen ,loor beam) and )u--orted them +ith thick +ooden -o)t)% He had )andbagged the only +indo+ on the out)ide o, the hou)e and co*ered the in)ide +ith hea*y hal,2inch +ire2me)h )creening% He had -ro*ided the reui)ite ,ire extingui)her3 battery o-erated radio3 ax3 cro+bar3 battery lantern3 ,ir)t2aid kit and bottle) o, +ater% 7arton) o, canned ,ood lay )tacked on a )mall hea*y handmade hard+ood table along +ith a $terno )to*e3 a tra*el alarm clock and an air -um- ,or blo+ing u- the mattre))e) rolled in the corner% ll thi) built and -urcha)ed on a milkman1) )alary% He e*en had a -ick and )ho*el there3 ,or digging out a,ter the bla)t% The one thing Willie omitted and that the go*ernment recommended +a) a chemical toilet% They +ere ex-en)i*e% nd he1d le,t be,ore getting around to that% No+ the -lace +a) )ort o, ratty2looking2,ood )u--lie) raided ,or Ruth1) cooking3 the extingui)her ,allen o,, it) +all mount3 batterie) dead in the radio and lantern3 and the item) them)el*e) ,ilthy ,rom three )olid year) o, grim neglect% The )helter reminded Ruth o, Willie% $he +a) not going to clean it% We -layed there )ometime)3 but not o,ten% The -lace +a) )cary% !t +a) a) though he1d built a cell there2not a )helter to kee- )omething out but a dark black hole to kee- )omething in% nd in a +ay it) central location in,ormed the +hole cellar% ou1d be do+n there drinking a 7oke talking +ith Ruth +hile )he did her laundry and you1d look o*er your )houlder and )ee thi) e*il2looking bunker )ort o, thing3 thi) )uat concrete con crete
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+all3 con)tantly )+eating3 dri--ing3 cracked in -lace)% ) though the +all it)el, +ere old and )ick and dying% We1d go in there occa)ionally and )care each other%
That +a) +hat it +a) good ,or% $caring each other% nd nothing much el)e% We u)ed it )-aringly%
! tell you3 +hat1) mi))ing ,rom that goddamn Karni*al1) a good old2,a)hioned hootchiekoo( !t +a) Tue)day night3 the )econd night o, Karni*al and Ruth +a) +atching 7heyenne 0odie get de-utiGed ,or the um-teenth time and the to+n1) chicken)hit mayor -inning the de-uty1) badge to hi) ,ringed co+hide )hirt% 7heyenne looked -roud and determined% Ruth held a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other and )at lo+ and tired2looking in the big o*er)tu,,ed chair by the ,ire-lace3 her long leg) )tretched out on the ha))ock3 bare,oot% Woo,er glanced u- at her ,rom the ,loor% (What1) a hootchiekooI( (Hootchie2koo% Hootchie2kootchie% Dancin1 girl)3 Ral-hie% That and the ,reak )ho+% When ! +a) your age +e had both% ! )a+ a man +ith three arm) once%( Willie Jr% looked at her% (Nah3( he )aid% 0ut you could )ee )he had him going% (Don1t contradict your mother% ! did% ! )a+ a man +ith three arm)2one o, o , 1em /u)t a little bitty thing coming out o, here%( $he rai)ed her arm and -ointed to her arm-it neatly )ha*ed and )mooth in)ide the dre))% (The other t+o +ere normal no rmal /u)t like your)% ! )a+ a t+o2headed co+ a) +ell3 )ame )ho+% (7our)e that +a) dead%(
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We )at around the enith in an irregular circle3 Woo,er on the car-et next to Ruth3 me and Willie and Donny on the couch3 and Eddie )uatting directly in ,ront o, the tele*i)ion )o that Woo,er had to )hi,t to )ee around him% Time) like thi) you didn1t ha*e to +orry about Eddie% !n hi) hou)e they didn1t ha*e h a*e tele*i)ion% He +a) glued to it% nd i, anybody could control him Ruth could% (What el)eI( a)ked Willie Jr% (What other )tu,,1d you )eeI( He ran hi) hand o*er hi) blond ,latto-% He +a) al+ay) doing that% ! gue)) he en/oyed the ,eel o, it though ! couldn1t )ee ho+ he1d like the grea)y +axed -art u- ,ront% (&o)tly thing) in bottle)% $tillborn)% ou kno+ )tillborn)I !n ,ormaldehyde% "ittle )hrunken thing)2goat)3 cat)% ll kind) o, )tu,,% That1) going back bac k a long time% ! don1t remember% ! do remember a man mu)t ha*e +eighed ,i*e3 )ix hundred -ound)3 though% Took three other ,ella) to haul him u-% Aatte)t damn thing ! e*er e *er )a+ or e*er +ant to )ee%( We laughed3 -icturing the three guy) ha*ing to hel- him u-% We all kne+ Ruth +a) care,ul o, her +eight% (! tell you3 carni*al) +ere )omething +hen ! +a) a girl%( $he )ighed% ou could )ee her ,ace go calm and dreamy2looking then the +ay it did )ometime) +hen )he +a) looking back2+ay back% Not to Willie but all the +ay back to her childhood% ! al+ay) liked +atching her then% ! think +e all did% The line) and angle) )eemed to )o,ten and ,or )omebody1) )omebody 1) mother3 )he +a) almo)t beauti,ul% (Ready yetI( ye tI( a)ked Woo,er% !t +a) a big thing ,or him tonight3 being able to go out to the Karni*al thi) late% He +a) eager to get going% (Not yet% Aini)h your )oda)% "et me ,ini)h my beer%( $he took a long dee- -ull on the cigarette3 holding the )moke in and then letting it out all in a ru)h% The only other -er)on ! kne+ +ho )moked a cigarette a) hard a) Ruth did +a) Eddie1) dad% $he tilted the beer can and drank% (! +anna kno+ about thi) hootchie2koo3( )aid Willie% He leaned ,or+ard next to me on the couch3 hi) )houlder) turned in+ard3 rounded% ) Willie got older and taller hi) )louch got more -ronounced% Ruth )aid that i, he ke-t on gro+ing and )louching at thi) rate he +a) going to be a hunchback% )ix ,ooter (eah3( )aid Woo,er% (What1) it )u--o)ed to beI ! don1t get it%( Ruth laughed% (!t1) dancing girl)3 ! told you% Doncha kno+ anythingI Hal, naked too3 )ome o, them%( $he -ulled the ,aded -rint dre)) back u- to hal,+ay o*er her thigh)3 held it there a moment3 ,luttered it at u)3 and then ,la--ed it do+n again% ($kirt) u- to here3( )he )aid%
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(nd little teeny bra))iere) and that1) all% &aybe a ruby in the belly button or )omething% With little dark red circle) -ainted here3 and here%( $he indicated her ni--le)3 making )lo+ circle) +ith her ,inger)% Then )he looked at u)%
(What1d you think o, than( ! ,elt my)el, Hu)h% Woo,er laughed% Willie and Donny +ere +atching her intently% Eddie remained ,ixed on 7heyenne 0odie% $he laughed% (Well3 ! gue)) nothing like that1) gonna be )-on)ored by the good old Ki+ani)3 though3 i) itI Not tho)e boy)% Hell3 they1d like to% They1d lo*e to 0ut they1*e all got +i*e)% Damn hy-ocrite)% M Ruth +a) al+ay) going on about the Ki+ani) or the Rotary Ro tary or )omething% $he +a) not a /oiner% We +ere u)ed to it% $he drained her beer and )tubbed out the cigarette% $he got u-% (Aini)h your drink)3 boy)3( )he )aid% ("et1) go% "et1) get out o, here% &egI &eg "oughlin( $he +alked into the kitchen and dro--ed her em-ty beer can in the garbage -ail% Do+n the hall the door to her room o-ened and &eg )te--ed out3 looking a little +ary at ,ir)t3 ! thought2! gue))ed it +a) Ruth1) )houting% Then her eye) )ettled on me and )he )miled3 a $o that +a) ho+ they +ere +orking it3 ! thought% &eg and $u)an +ere in Ruth1) old room% !t +a) logical becau)e that +a) the )maller o, the t+o% 0ut it al)o meant that either ! Ruth +a) bunking on the con*ertible )o,a or +ith Donny and Woo,er and Willie Jr% ! +ondered +hat my -arent) +ould )ay to that%
(!1m taking the)e boy) out ,or a &i)ter $o,tee o*er at the ,airI &eggie% ou take care o, your )i)ter and kee- your)el, out o, the icebox% Don1t +ant you getting ,at on u)%( (e)3 ma1am%( Ruth turned to me% (Da*id3( )he )aid3 (you kno+ +hat you ought to doI ou ought to go )ay hi to $u)an% ou ne*er met and it1) not -olite%(
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($ure% Okay%( &eg led the +ay do+n the hall+ay ahead o, me% Their door +a) to the le,t o--o)ite the bathroom3 the boy)1 room )traight on% ! could hear )o,t radio mu)ic coming ,rom behind the door% Tommy Ed+ard) )inging (!t1) ll !n the 'ame%( &eg o-ened the door and +e +ent in)ide% When you1re t+el*e3 little kid) are little kid) and that1) about it% ou1re not e*en )u--o)ed to notice them3 really% They1re like bug) or bird) or )uirrel) or )omebody1) ro*ing hou)e cat2-art o, the land)ca-e but )o +hat% 8nle)) o, cour)e it1) )omebody like Woo,er you can1t hel- but notice% !1d ha*e noticed $u)an though% ! kne+ that the girl on the bed looking u- at me ,rom her co-y o, $creen $torie) +a) nine year) old2&eg had told me that2but )he looked a +hole lot younger% ! +a) glad )he had the co*er) u- )o ! couldn1t )ee the ca)t) on her hi-) and leg)% $he )eemed ,rail enough a) it +a) +ithout my ha*ing to think about all tho)e broken bone)% ! +a) a+are o, her +ri)t)3 though3 and the long thin ,inger) holding the magaGine% !) thi) +hat an accident doe) to youI ! +ondered%
Exce-t ,or the bright green eye) ey e) it +a) almo)t like meeting &eg1) o--o)ite% Where &eg +a) all health and )trength and *itality3 thi) one +a) a )hado+% Her )kin )o -ale under the reading lam- it looked tran)lucent% Donny1d Donny 1d )aid )he )till took -ill) e*ery day ,or ,e*er3 antibiotic)3 and that )he +a)n1t healing right3 that +alking +a) )till -retty -ain,ul3 a ! thought o, the Han) 7hri)tian nder)en )tory about the little mermaid +ho)e leg) had hurt her too% !n the book ! had the illu)tration e*en looked like $u)an% The )ame long )ilky blond hair and )o,t delicate ,eature)3 the )ame look o, )ad long2time *ulnerability% "ike )omeone ca)t a)hore% (ou1re Da*id3( )he )aid% ! nodded and )aid hi% The green eye) )tudied me% The eye) +ere intelligent% Warm too% nd no+ )he )eemed both younger and older than nine% (&eg )ay) you1re nice3( )he )aid% ! )miled% $he looked at me a moment more and )miled back at me and then +ent back to the magaGine% On the radio lan Areed -layed the Elegant)1 ("ittle $tar%(
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&eg )tood +atching ,rom the door+ay% ! didn1t kno+ +hat to )ay% ! +alked back do+n the hall% The other) +ere +aiting% ! could ,eel Ruth1) eye) on me% ! looked do+n at the car-et% (There you go3( )he )aid% (No+ you kno+ each other%(
T+o night) a,ter Karni*al a bunch o, u) )le-t out together% The older guy) on the block2 "ou &orino3 'len Knoll3 and Harry 'ray2had been in the habit ,or year) no+ o, cam-ing out on +arm )ummer night) at the old +ater to+er in the +ood) behind beh ind the "ittle "eague diamond +ith a cou-le o, )ix2-ack) bet+een them and cigarette) )tolen ,rom &ur-hy1) )tore% We +ere all )till too young ,or that3 +ith the +ater to+er all the +ay o*er on the other )ide o, to+n% 0ut that hadn1t )to--ed u) ,rom en*ying them aloud and ,reuently until ,inally our -arent) )aid it +ould be okay i, +e cam-ed out too a) long a) it +a) under )u-er*i)ion2meaning3 in )omebody1) backyard% $o that +a) +hat +e did% ! had a tent and Tony &orino had hi) brother "ou1) +hen he +a)n1t u)ing it )o it +a) al+ay) my backyard or hi)% Per)onally3 ! -re,erred my o+n% Tony1) +a) + a) all right2but +hat you +anted to do +a) to get back a) ,ar a+ay ,rom the hou)e a) -o))ible in order to ha*e the illu)ion o, really being out there on your o+n and Tony1) yard +a)n1t really )uited to that% !t ta-ered do+n o*er a hill +ith /u)t )ome )crub and an d a ,ield behind it% The )crub and ,ield +ere boring and you +ere re)ting all night on an incline% Wherea) my yard ran )traight back into thick dee- +ood)3 )-ooky and dark at night +ith the )hado+) o, elm3 birch and ma-le tree) and +ild +ith )ound) o, cricket) and ,rog) ,rom the brook% !t +a) ,lat and a lot more com,ortable% 3 * Not that +e did much )lee-ing% t lea)t that night +e didn1t% /L $ince du)k +e1d been lying there telling $ick Joke) and $hadda- Joke) (&ommy3 mommy 0illie /u)t *omited into a -an on the )to*e( ($hadda- and eat your )te+%(3 the )ix o, u) laughing3 crunched into a tent that +a) built ,or ,our2me3 Donny3 Willie3 Tony &orino3 Kenny Robert)on and Eddie% Woo,er +a) being -uni)hed ,or -laying +ith hi) -la)tic )oldier) in the +ire2me)h incinerator in the yard again2other+i)e he might ha*e +hined long enough and loud enough to make u) take him too% 0ut Woo,er had thi) habit% He1d hang hi) knight) and )oldier) ,rom the me)h o, the incinerator and +atch their arm) and leg) burn )lo+ly along +ith the tra)h3 imagining 'od kno+) +hat3 +h at3 the -la)tic ,ire dri--ing3 the )oldier) curling3 the black )moke -luming u-% / Ruth hated it +hen he did that% The toy) +ere ex-en)i*e and they made a me)) all o*er her incinerator% There +a)n1t any beer but +e had canteen) and Thermo)e) ,ull o, Kool2id )o that +a) all right% Eddie had hal, a -ack o, hi) ,ather1) Kool un,iltered) and +e1d clo)e the J tent ,la-) and -a)) one around no+ and then% We1d
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+a*e L a+ay the )moke% Then +e1d o-en the ,la-) again /u)t in ca)e L my mom came out to check on u)2though )he ne*er did% Donny rolled o*er be)ide me and you could hear a Ta)ty27ake +ra--er cru)h beneath hi) bulk% That e*ening +hen the truck came by +e1d all gone out to the )treet to )tock u-% No+3 no matter +ho mo*ed3 )omething crackled% Donny had a /oke% ($o thi) kid1) in )chool3 rightI He1) /u)t a little kid3 )itting at hi) de)k and thi) nice old o ld lady )choolteacher look) at him and notice) he look) real )ad and )ay)3 +hat1) +rongI nd he )ay)3 +aaa ! didn1t get no break,a)t ou -oor little guy3 )ay) the teacher% Well3 don1t +orry3 no big deal3 )he )ay)3 it1) almo)t lunchtime% ou1ll get )omething to eat then3 rightI $o no+ let1) return to our geogra-hy le))on)% Where1) the !talian borderI( (!n bed3 ,ucking my mother3 )ay) the little kid% That1) ho+ come ! didn1t get no ,ucking break,a)t( We laughed% (! heard that one3( )aid Eddie% (Or maybe ! read it in Playboy( ($ure3( )aid Willie% Willie +a) on the other )ide o, me o*er again)t the tent% ! could )mell hi) hair +ax and3 occa)ionally and un-lea)antly3 hi) bad teeth% ($ure3( he )aid3 (you read it in Playboy% "ike ! ,ucked Debra Paget% Right%( Eddie )hrugged% !t +a) dangerou) to contradict him but Donny +a) lying bet+een them and Donny out+eighed him by ,i,teen -ound)% (&y old man buy) it3( he )aid% (0uy) it e*ery month% $o ! hock it o,, him outa hi) dra+er3 read the /oke)3 check the broad)3 and -ut it back again% He ne*er kno+)% No )+eat%( (ou better ho-e he ne*er kno+)3( )aid Tony% Eddie looked at him% Tony li*ed acro)) the )treet ,rom him and +e all kne+ that Tony kne+ that Eddie1) dad beat him% (! like the )cene in the )oda )ho-3( )aid Kenny% (Where he )ing) and beat) the )hit outa the guy%( ('reat3( )aid Eddie% (Really great3( )aid Willie% (Really%( (ny+ay3 you got to ,igure Playboy1) not no t /u)t a magaGine3 either3( )aid Donny% (ou kno+3 it1) Playboy% ! mean3 &arilyn &onroe +a) in there% !t1) the greate)t magaGine e*er%( H (ou thinkI 0etter than &adI( Kenny )ounded )ke-tical% ($hit3 ye)% ! mean3 &od1) ca)ual% 0ut it1) /u)t ,or kid)3 you kno+I( (What about Aamou) &on)ter)1( a)ked Tony% That +a) a tough one% Aamou) &on)ter) had /u)t a--eared and all o, u) +ere craGy ,or it%
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($ure3( )aid Donny% He took a drag on the cigarette and )miled% The )mile +a) all kno+ing% (Doe) Aamou) &on)ter) o, Ailmland )ho+ tit)I( he )aid% We all laughed% The logic +a) irre,utable% He -a))ed the )moke to Eddie3 +ho took a ,inal drag and )tubbed it out on the gra))3 then ,li--ed the butt into the +ood)% There +a) one o, tho)e )ilence) +here nobody had anything to )ay3 +e +ere all o,, alone there )ome+here% Then Kenny looked at Donny% (ou e*er really )ee itI( he )aid% ($ee +hatI( (Tit%( (Real titI(
(eah%( Donny laughed% (Eddie1) )i)ter%( That got another laugh becau)e e*erybody had% (! mean on a +oman%( (Nah%( (nybodyI( He looked around% (&y mother3( )aid Tony% ou could tell he +a) )hy about it% (! +alked in one time3 into her bathroom3 and )he +a) -utting her bra on% Aor a minute ! )a+%( ( minute Kenny +a) really into thi)%
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(No% )econd%( (JeeG% What +a) it likeI( (What do you mean +hat +a) it likeI !t +a) my mother3 ,or chri)))ake &adonn1 ou little -er*ert%( (Hey3 no o,,en)e3 man%( (eah% Okay% None taken%( 0ut all o, u) +ere thinking o, &r)% &orino no+% $he +a) a thick2+a)ted3 )hort2legged $icilian +oman +ith a lot more mu)tache than Tony had but bu t her brea)t) +ere -retty big% !t +a) at once di,,icult and intere)ting and )lightly re-ul)i*e to try to -icture her that +ay% (!1ll bet &eg1) are nice3( )aid Willie% !t /u)t hung there ,or a moment% 0ut ! doubt that any o, u) +ere thinking about &r)% &orino anymore% Donny looked at hi) brother% (&eg1)I( (eah%(
ou could )ee the +heel) turning% 0ut Willie acted a) though Donny hadn1t under)tood% Trying to )core -oint) on him% (Our cou)in3 do-e% &eg%( Donny /u)t looked at him% Then he )aid3 (Hey3 +hat time1) itI( Kenny had a +atch% (uarter to ele*en%( ('reat( nd )uddenly he +a) cra+ling out o, the tent3 and then he +a) )tanding there% Peering in3 grinning% (7ome on ! got an idea(
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Arom my hou)e to hi) all you had to do +a) cro)) the yard and go through a line o, hedge) and you +ere right behind their garage% ! There +a) a light on in the 7handler)1 bathroom L +indo+ and one in the kitchen and one in &eg and $u)an1) bedroom% 0y no+ +e kne+ +hat he had in mind% ! +a)n1t )ure ! liked it but ! +a)n1t )ure ! didn1t3 either% Ob*iou)ly3 it +a) exciting% We +eren1t )u--o)ed to lea*e the tent% !, +e got caught that +ould be the end o, )lee-ing out and -lenty o, other )tu,, a) +ell% On the other hand3 i, +e didn1t get caught it +a) better than cam-ing at the +ater to+er% !t +a) better than beer% Once you got into the mood o, the thing3 it +a) actually kind o, hard to re)train your)el, ,rom giggling% (No ladder3( +hi)-ered Eddie% (Ho+ +e gonna do thi)I( Donny looked around% (The birch tree3( he )aid% He +a) right% O,, to the le,t o, the yard3 about ,i,teen ,eet ,rom the hou)e +a) + a) a tall +hite birch bent badly by +inter )torm)% !t droo-ed hal,+ay do+n to the )cru,,y gra)) o*er +hat +a) nearly the middle o, the la+n% (We can1t all climb it3( )aid Tony% (!t1ll break%( ($o +e1ll take turn)% T+o at a time% Ten minnte) each and the be)t man +in)%( (Okay% Who1) ,ir)tI( (Hell3 it1) our tree%( Donny grinned% (&e and Willie1re ,ir)t%( ! ,elt a little -i))ed at him ,or that% We +ere +e re )u--o)ed to be be)t ,riend)% 0ut then ! ,igured +hat the hell3 Willie +a) hi) brother% He )-rinted acro)) the la+n and Willie ,ollo+ed% The tree ,orked out into t+o )trong branche)% They could lie there )ide by )ide% They had a good )traight *ie+ into the bedroom and a ,air one into the bathroom% Willie ke-t changing -o)ition though3 trying to get com,ortable% !t +a) ea)y to )ee ho+ out o, )ha-e he +a)% He +a) a+k+ard /u)t handling hi) o+n +eight% Wherea)3 ,or all hi) bulk3 Donny looked like he +a) born in tree)% We +atched them +atching% We +atched the hou)e3 the kitchen +indo+3 looking ,or Ruth3 ho-ing not to )ee her%
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(&e and Tony next3( )aid Eddie% (What1) the timeI( Kenny )uinted at hi) +atch% (Ai*e minute) more%( ($hit3( )aid Eddie% He -ulled out the -ack o, Kool) and lit one% (Hey( +hi)-ered Kenny% (They might )ee( (ou might be )tu-id3( )aid Eddie% (ou cu- it under your hand% "ike thi)% Nobody )ee)%( ! +a) trying to make out Donny1) and Willie1) ,ace)3 +ondering i, anything +a) going on in)ide% !t +a) hard to )ee but b ut ! didn1t think )o% They /u)t lay there like a -air o, large dark tumorou) gro+th)% ! +ondered i, the tree +ould e*er reco*er% ! hadn1t been a+are o, the ,rog) or cricket) but no+ ! +a)3 a -ercu))i*e drone in the )ilence% ll you could hear +a) them and Eddie -ulling hard on the cigarette and exhaling and the occa)ional creak o, the birch tree% There +ere ,ire,lie) in the yard blinking on and o,,3 dri,ting3 (Time3( )aid Kenny% Eddie dro--ed the Kool and cru)hed it and then he and Tony ran o*er to the tree% moment later they +ere u- and Willie and Donny +ere do+n3 back +ith u)% The tree re)ted higher no+% ($ee anythingI( ! a)ked% (Nothing3( Willie )aid% !t +a) )ur-ri)ing ho+ angry he )ounded% ) though it +ere &eg1) ,ault ,or not )ho+ing% ) though )he1d cheated him% 0ut then Willie al+ay) +a) an a))hole% ! looked at Donny% The light +a)n1t good back there but it )eemed to me he had that )ame intent3 )tudied look a) +hen he1d been looking at Ruth talking about the hootchiekoo girl) and +hat they +ore and didn1t +ear% !t +a) a) though he +ere trying to ,igure )omething out and +a) a little de-re))ed becau)e he couldn1t get the an)+er% We )tood together )ilently and then in a +hile Kenny ta--ed me on the )houlder% (Time3( he )aid%
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We ran o*er to the tree and ! )la--ed Tony1) ankle% He )lid do+n% We )tood there +aiting ,or Eddie% ! looked at Tony% He )hrugged and )hook hi) head3 )taring at the ground% Nothing% ,e+ minute) later Eddie ga*e u- too and )lid do+n next to me% (Thi) i) bull)hit3( he )aid% ($cre+ ($ cre+ it% $cre+ her%( nd they +alked a+ay% ! didn1t get it% Eddie +a) mad no+ too% ! didn1t let it +orry me% We +ent u-% The climb +a) ea)y% t the to- ! ,elt thi) great ru)h o, excitement% ! +anted to laugh out loud ! ,elt )o good% $omething +a) going to ha--en% ! kne+ it% Too bad ,or Eddie and Donny and Willie2it +a) going to be u)% $he1d be at the +indo+ any moment no+ and +e1d )ee% !t didn1t bother me at all that ! +a) -robably betraying &eg by )-ying on her% ! hardly e*en thought o, her a) &eg% !t +a) a) though it +a)n1t really her that +e +ere looking ,or% !t +a) )omething more ab)tract than that% real li*e girl and not )ome black2and2+hite -hoto in a magaGine% +oman1) body% ! +a) ,inally going to learn )omething% What you had +a) a ca)e o, greater -riority% We )ettled in% ! glanced at Kenny% He +a) grinning% !t occurred to me to +onder +hy the other guy) had acted )o -i))y% Thi) +a) ,un E*en the ,act that you +ere )cared +a) ,un% $cared that Ruth +ould a--ear )uddenly on the -orch3 telling u) to get our a))e) out o, there% $cared that &eg +ould look out the bathroom +indo+ )traight into your eye)%
! +aited3 con,ident% The bathroom light +ent o,, but that didn1t matter% !t +a) the bedroom ! +a) ,ocu)ed on% That1) +here !1d )ee her% $traight2on% Naked% Ale)h and blood3 and )omeone ! actually e*en kne+ a bit )lightly% ! re,u)ed to e*en blink% a ! could ,eel a tingling do+n belo+ +here ! -re))ed again)t the tree% L tune ke-t running around and around in my head2('et out in that kitchen and rattle tho)e -ot) and -an) %%% ! belie*e to m1)oul you1re the de*il in nylon ho)e%%%( nd )o on% Wild3 ! thought% !1m lying here in thi) tree% $he1) in there% ! +aited% The bedroom light +ent out% $uddenly the hou)e +ent dark% ! could ha*e )ma)hed )omething% ! could ha*e torn that hou)e to bit)% nd no+ ! kne+ exactly ho+ the other) had ,elt and exactly +hy they1d looked )o mad at her3 mad at &eg2becau)e it ,elt like it +a) her ,ault3 a) though )he +a) the one +ho1d got u) u- here in the ,ir)t -lace and -romi)ed )o much and then deli*ered nothing% nd +hile ! kne+ thi) +a) irrational and dumb o, me that +a) exactly ho+ ! ,elt all the )ame% 0itch3 ! thought%
nd then ! did ,eel guilty% 0ecau)e that +a) -er)onal% That +a) about &eg% nd then ! ,elt de-re))ed% !t +a) a) though -art o, o , me kne+2didn1t +ant to belie*e it or e*en think about it but kne+ all along% ! +a) ne*er going to get that lucky% !t had been bull)hit ,rom
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the beginning% Ju)t like Eddie )aid% nd )omeho+ the rea)on ,or that +a) all +ra--ed u+ith &eg and +ith girl) and +omen in general3 e*en +ith Ruth and my mother )omeho+% !t +a) too big ,or me to gra)- entirely )o ! )u--o)e my mind /u)t let it )lide% What remained +a) de-re))ion and a dull ache% (7ome on3( ! )aid to Kenny% He +a) )taring at the hou)e3 )till not belie*ing it3 like he h e +a) ex-ecting the light) to come co me right back on again% 0ut he kne+ too% He looked at me and ! could tell he kne+% ll o, u) did% We troo-ed back )ilently to the tent% !n)ide it +a) Willie Jr%( ,inally3 +ho -ut the canteen do+n and )-oke% He )aid3 (&aybe +e could get her into The 'ame%( We thought about that% nd the night +ound do+n ,rom there% ! +a) in my yard trying to get the big red -o+er mo+er going and )+eating )traight through my T2$hirt already becau)e the damn thing +a) +or)e than a motorboat to )tart3 +hen ! heard Ruth )hout in a kind o, *oice ! don1t think !1d e*er heard her u)e be,ore2really ,uriou)% (Je)u) 7hri)t( ! dro--ed the cord and looked u-% !t +a) the kind o, *oice my mother had been kno+n to u)e +hen )he got unhinged3 +hich +a)n1t o,ten3 de)-ite the o-en +ar,are +ith my ,ather% !t meant you ran ,or co*er% 0ut +hen Ruth got mad it +a) u)ually at Woo,er and all )he had to do then +a) look at him3 her li-) -re))ed tight together3 her eye) narro+ed do+n to )mall glittery )tone)3 in order to )hut him u- or make him )to- +hate*er he +a) doing% The look +a) com-letely intimidating% We u)ed to imitate it and laugh3 Donny and Willie and !2but +hen Ruth +a) the one +earing it it +a) no laughing matter% ! +a) glad ,or an excu)e to )to- )truggling +ith the mo+er )o ! +alked around the )ide o, our garage +here you could )ee o*er into their backyard% Ruth1) +a)h +a) blo+ing on the clothe)line% $he +a) )tanding on the -orch3 her hand) on her hi-)3 and e*en i, you hadn1t heard the *oice or +hat )he )aid you could cou ld tell )he +a) really mad% (ou )tu-id )hit( +a) +hat )he )aid% nd ! can tell you3 that )hocked me% $ure3 Ruth cur)ed like a )ailor% That +a) one o, the rea)on) +e liked her% Her hu)band Willie $r%( (that lo*ely !ri)h ba)tard( or (that idiot mick )ono* abitch( and John "entG3 the to+n1) mayor2and3 +e )u)-ect3 Ruth1) onetime )uitor2got bla)ted regularly3 a E*erybody got )ome no+ and then% 0ut the thing i) it +a) al+ay) ca)ual ca )ual )+earing3 -retty much +ithout real anger% !t +a) meant to get a laugh at )ome -oor guy1) ex-en)e3 and u)ually did% !t +a) /u)t Ruth1) +ay o, de)cribing -eo-le% - eo-le% !t +a) -retty much like our o+n% Our ,riend) +ere all retard)3 )cumbag)3 lard a))e) or )hit2,or2brain)% Their mother) all ate the ,lie) o,, dead camel)% Thi) +a) +holly di,,erent% $hit +a) +hat )he )aid3 and )hit +a) +hat )he meant% ! +ondered +hat &eg had done% ! looked u- to my o+n -orch +here the back )creen door +a) o-en3 ho-ing my mother +a)n1t in the kitchen3 that )he hadn1t heard her% &y mother didn1t a--ro*e o, Ruth and ! got enough grie, already ,or )-ending a) much time o*er there a) ! did% ! +a) in luck% $he +a)n1t around% ! looked at Ruth% $he hadn1t )aid anything el)e and )he didn1t need to% Her ex-re))ion )aid it all%
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! ,elt kind o, ,unny3 like ! +a) )-ying again3 t+ice in t+o day)% 0ut o, cour)e that +a) exactly +hat ! had to do% ! +a)n1t about to allo+ her to )ee me +atching her3 ex-o)ed the +ay )he +a)% !t +a) too embarra))ing% ! -re))ed u- clo)e to the garage and -eered around at her3 ho-ing )he +ouldn1t look o*er my +ay ,or any rea)on% nd )he didn1t% Their o+n garage blocked my *ie+3 though3 )o ! couldn1t )ee +hat the -roblem +a)% ! ke-t +aiting ,or &eg to )ho+ u-3 to )ee ho+ )he +a) taking being called a )tu-id )hit% nd then ! got another )ur-ri)e% 0ecau)e it +a)n1t &eg% !t +a) $u)an% ! gue))ed )he1d been trying to hel+ith the laundry% 0ut it had rained la)t night3 and it looked a) though )he1d dro--ed )ome o, Ruth1) +hite) on the muddy3 )cru,,y excu)e ,or a la+n they had becau)e you could )ee the dirt )tain) on +hat )he carried3 a )heet or maybe a cou-le cou- le o, -illo+ca)e)% $he +a) crying3 really crying hard )o that her +hole body +a) )haking a) )he +alked back to+ard Ruth )tanding rigid on the landing% !t +a) -athetic2thi) little tiny girl mo*ing )lo+ly along +ith brace) on her leg) and brace) on her arm) trying to manage /u)t thi) one )mall -ile o, +hite) tucked under her arm that )he -robably )houldn1t ha*e had in the ,ir)t -lace% ! ,elt bad ,or her% nd ,inally3 )o did Ruth ! gue))% 0ecau)e )he )te--ed do+n o,, the landing and took the )tu,, a+ay ,rom her and he)itated3 +atching her a moment a) )he )obbed and )hook and )tared do+n into the dirt% nd then )lo+ly you could )ee the ten)ion go out o, her a) )he rai)ed her hand and re)ted it lightly3 tentati*ely at ,ir)t on $u)an1) )houlder3 then turned and +alked back to the hou)e% nd at the *ery la)t moment /u)t a) they reached the to- o, the )tair) Ruth looked in my direction )o that ! had to thro+ my)el, back ,a)t and hard again)t the garage% 0ut all the )ame !1d )+ear to +hat ! )a+ be,ore that% !t1) become a little im-ortant to me3 actually3 in retro)-ect% ! try to ,igure it out% Ruth1) ,ace looked *ery tired% "ike the bur)t o, anger +a) )o )trong it had drained her% Or maybe +hat ! +a) )eeing +a) + a) /u)t a little -iece o, )omething2)omething bigger2)omething that had been going on unnoticed by me ,or uite a +hile no+ and thi) +a) /u)t like a kind o, cre)cendo on a long2-laying record% 0ut the other thing ! )a+ +a) +hat )trike) me to thi) day3 +hat -uGGle) me E*en at the time it made me +onder% Ju)t be,ore ! thre+ my)el, back3 a) Ruth turned looking )kinny and tired +ith her hand on $u)an1) )houlder% !n /u)t that in)tant a) )he turned3 / !1d )+ear that )he +a) crying too% nd my ue)tion i)3 ,or +homI
The next thing +a) the tent +orm)% !t )eemed to ha--en -ractically o*ernight% One day the tree) +ere clean and normal and the next day they +ere hung +ith the)e hea*y +hite )ack) o, +ebbing% !n the bottom o, the )ack) you could )ee )omething *aguely dark and unhealthy2looking and i, you looked clo)ely enough you could )ee them mo*ing% (We1ll burn 1em out3( )aid Ruth% We +ere )tanding in her yard near the birch tree3 Woo,er3 Donny and Willie3 &eg and !3 and Ruth3 +ho had on her old blue hou)edre)) +ith the dee- -ocket)% !t +a) ten o1clock in the morning and &eg had /u)t ,ini)hed her chore)% There +a) a little )mudge o, dirt beneath her le,t eye% (ou boy) gather u- )ome )tick)3( )he )aid% ("ong one)3 thick% nd be )ure to cut them green )o they +on1t burn% &eg3 get
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the rag bag out o, the ba)ement%( $he )tood )uinting into the morning )unlight3 )ur*eying the damage% #irtually hal, the tree) in their yard including the birch +ere already )trung +ith )ack)3 )ome /u)t the )iGe o, o , ba)eball) but other) +ide and dee- a) a )ho--ing bag% The +ood) +a) ,ull o, them% ("ittle ba)tard)% They1ll )tri- the)e tree) in no time%( &eg +ent into the hou)e and the re)t o, u) headed ,or the +ood) to ,ind )ome )tick)% Donny had hi) hatchet )o +e cut )ome )a-ling) and )tri--ed them and cut them roughly in hal,% !t didn1t take long% When +e came back Ruth and &eg +ere in the garage )oaking the rag) in kero)ene% We +ra--ed them o*er the )a-ling) and Ruth tied them o,, +ith clothe)line and then +e )oaked them again3 $he handed one to each o, u)% (!1ll )ho+ you ho+ it goe)3( )he )aid% (Then you can do it by your)el*e)% Ju)t don1t )et the goddamn +ood) on ,ire%( !t ,elt incredibly adult3 i Ruth tru)ting u) +ith ,ire3 +ith torche)% &y mother ne*er +ould ha*e% We ,ollo+ed her into the yard looking3 ! gue))3 like a bunch o, -ea)ant) heading out a,ter Aranken)tein1) mon)ter3 our unlit torche) alo,t% 0ut +e didn1t act )o adult2+e acted ac ted like +e +ere going to a -arty2all o, u) )ilty and excited exce-t &eg3 +ho +a) taking it *ery )eriou)ly% Willie got Woo,er in a headlock and ground hi) knuckle) into hi) cre+cut3 a +re)tling mo*e +e1d -icked u- ,rom three hundred2-ound Hay)tack) 7alhoun3 ,amou) ,or the 0ig $-la)h% Donny and ! marched )ide by )ide behind them3 -um-ing our torche) like a cou-le o, drum ma/or) +ith baton)3 giggling like ,ool)% Ruth didn1t )eem to mind% ( When +e got to the birch tree Ruth dug into her -ocket and -ulled out a book o, )a,ety matche)% The ne)t on the birch tree +a) a big one% (!1ll do thi) one3( )aid Ruth% (ou +atch%( $he lit the torch and held it a moment until the ,ire burned do+n and it +a) )a,e to u)e% !t +a) )till a -retty good blaGe3 though% (0e care,ul3( )he )aid% (ou don1t +ant to burn the tree%( $he held it )ix inche) or )o belo+ the )ack% The )ack began to melt% !t didn1t burn% !t melted the +ay $tyro,oam melt)3 ,ading3 receding back% !t +a) thick and multilayered but it +ent ,a)t% nd )uddenly all the)e +rithing3 +riggling bodie) +ere tumbling out3 ,at black ,urry +orm)2)moking3 crackling% ou could almo)t hear them )cream% There mu)t ha*e been hundred) in /u)t that one ne)t% layer o, the )ack +ould burn through to ex-o)e another layer and there +ere more in there% They /u)t ke-t coming3 ,alling to our ,eet like a black rain% Then Ruth hit the mother lode% !t +a) a though a clot o, li*ing tar the )iGe o, a )o,tball )-illed out directly onto the torch3 )-litting a-art a) it ,ell% The torch )-uttered there +ere )o many o, them and almo)t )eemed to go out ,or a moment% Then it ,lared again and tho)e that had clung to it burned and ,ell%
B;
(Je)u) )hit( )aid Woo,er% Ruth looked at him% ($orry3( he )aid% 0ut hi) eye) +ere +ide% ou had to admit it +a) incredible% !1d ne*er )een )uch )laughter% The ant) on the -orch +ere nothing to thi)% nt) +ere tiny3 in)igni,icant% When you to))ed the boiling +ater on them they /u)t curled and died% Wherea) )ome o, the)e +ere an inch long% They t+i)ted and +rithed2they )eemed to +ant to li*e% ! looked at the ground% There +ere +orm) all o*er the -lace% &o)t o, them +ere dead3 but a lot o, them +eren1t3 and tho)e that +eren1t +ere trying to cra+l a+ay% (What about the)e guy)I( ! a)ked her% (Aorget them3( )he )aid% (They1ll /u)t die% Or the bird) +ill get them%( $he laughed% (We o-ened the o*en be,ore they +ere ready% Not uite baked yet%( (They1re )ure baked no+3( )aid Willie% (We could get a rock3( )aid Woo,er% (7ru)h 1em( ("i)ten to me +hen ! talk% Aorget them3( )aid Ruth% $he reached into her -ocket again% (Here%( $he )tarted handing u) each book) o, matche)% (Remember% ! +ant a yard le,t +hen you1re through% nd no going back into the +ood)% The +ood) can take care o, it)el,%( We took them ,rom her% ll but &eg% (! don1t +ant them3( )he )aid% (WhatI( $he held out the matche)% % ! don1t +ant them% !1ll /u)t go ,ini)h the laundry okayI Thi) i) %%% kind o,%%%( $he looked do+n at the ground3 at the black +orm) curled there3 at the li*e one) cra+ling% Her ,ace +a) -ale% (WhatI( )aid Ruth% (Di)gu)ting ou o,,ended3 honeyI( (No% ! /u)t don1t +ant%% %( Ruth laughed%
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(!1ll be damned% "ook here boy)3( )he )aid% (!1ll be damned%( $he +a) )till )miling3 but her ,ace had gone really hard all o, a )udden% !t )tartled me and made me think o, the other day +ith $u)an% !t +a) a) though )he1d been on $ome )ort o, hair trigger all morning +ith &eg and +e )im-ly hadn1t noticed it% We1d been too bu)y3 too excited% ("ook here3( )he )aid% (What +e1*e got here i) a le))on in ,emininity%( $he )te--ed u- clo)e% (&eg1) )ueami)h% ou under)tand ho+ girl) get )ueami)h3 don1t you boy)I "adie) do% nd &eg here i) a lady% Why )ure )he i)( $he dro--ed the hea*y )arca)m then and you could )ee the naked anger there% ($o +hat in the name o, Je)u) 7hri)t do you )u--o)e that make) me3 &eggyI ou )u--o)e !1m not a ladyI ou ,igure ladie) can1t do +hat1) nece))aryI nec e))aryI 7an1t get rid o, the goddamn -e)t) in their goddamn gardenI( &eg looked con,u)ed% !t came )o ,a)t you couldn1t blame her% (No3 !%%%( (ou damn +ell better )ay no to me3 honey 0ecau)e ! don1t need that kind o, in)inuation ,rom any kid in a T2)hirt can1t e*en +i-e her o+n ,ace clean% ou under)tandI( (e)3 ma1am%( $he backed a+ay a )te-% nd that )eemed to cool Ruth do+n a little% $he took a breath% (Okay3( )he )aid% (ou go ahead do+n)tair)% 'o on3 get back to your laundry% nd call me +hen you1re ,ini)hed% !1ll ha*e )omething el)e ,or you%(
B:
(e)3 ma1am%( $he turned and Ruth )miled% (&y boy) can handle it3( )he )aid% (7an1t you3 boy)%( ! nodded% t that moment ! couldn1t )-eak% Nobody )-oke% Her di)mi))al o, &eg +a) )o com-lete +ith authority and a )trange )en)e o, /u)tice ! +a) really a little in a+e o, her% $he -atted Woo,er1) head% 2$ ! glanced at &eg% ! )a+ her +alk back to the hou)e3 head lo+3 +i-ing at her ,ace3 looking ,or the )mudge o, dirt Ruth )aid +a) there3 Ruth dra-ed her arm acro)) my )houlder and turned to+ard the elm tree) in the back% ! inhaled the )cent o, her2)oa- and kero)ene and cigarette) and clean ,re)h hair% (&y boy) can do it3( )he )aid to me% nd her *oice +a) *ery gentle again%
0y one o1clock +e1d torched e*ery ne)t in the 7handler)1 yard3 and Ruth had been right2 the bird) +ere ha*ing a ,ield day no+% ! )tunk o, kero)ene% ! +a) )tar*ing and +ould ha*e killed ,or a ,e+ White 7a)tle) /u)t then% ! )ettled ,or a bologna )and+ich% ! +ent home% ! +a)hed u- in the kitchen and made one% ! could hear my mother in the li*ing room ironing3 humming along to the original ca)t album o, The &u)ic &an +hich )he and my ,ather had bu))ed to Ne+ ork to )ee la)t year3 /u)t be,ore the )hit hit the ,an about +hat ! could only a))ume +a) my ,ather1) late)t a,,air% &y ,ather had -lenty o, o--ortunity ,or a,,air) and he took them% He +a) co2o+ner o, a bar and re)taurant called the Eagle1) Ne)t% He met them late and he met them early% 0ut ! gue)) my mother had ,orgotten all that ,or the moment and +a) remembering the good time) no+ +ith Pro,e))or Harold Hill and com-any% ! hated The &u)ic &an% ! )hut my)el, in my room a+hile and ,li--ed through my dog2eared co-ie) o, &acabre and $tranger Than $cience but there +a) nothing in there that intere)ted me )o ! decided to go out again%
! +alked out the back and &eg +a) )tanding on the 7handler)1 back -orch )haking out the li*ing2room thro+ rug)% $he )a+ me and motioned me o*er% ! ,elt a moment o, a+k+ardne))3 o, di*ided loyalty3 !, &eg +a) on Ruth1) )hit li)t3 there +a) -robably )ome good rea)on ,or it% On the other hand ! )till remembered that ride on the Aern1) +heel and that morning by the 0ig Rock% $he dra-ed the rug) care,ully o*er the iron railing and came do+n o,, the )te-) acro)) the dri*e+ay to meet me% The )mudge on her ,ace +a) gone but )he )till +ore the dirty yello+ )hirt and Donny1) old rolled2u- 0ermuda)% There +a) du)t in her h er hair%
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$he took me by the arm and led me )ilently o*er to the )ide o, her hou)e3 out o, )ight line) ,rom the dining2room +indo+% (! don1t get it3( )he )aid% ou could )ee there +a) )omething troubling her3 )omething )he1d been +orking on% (Why don1t they like me3 Da*idI( That +a)n1t +hat !1d ex-ected% (Who3 the 7handler)I( (e)%( $he /u)t looked at me% $he +a) )eriou)% ($ure they do% They like you%( (No they don1t% ! mean3 ! do e*erything ! can to make them like me% ! do more than my )hare o, the +ork% ! try to talk +ith them3 get to kno+ them3 get them to kno+ me3 but they /u)t don1t )eem to +ant to% !t1) like they +ant to not like me% "ike it1) better that +ay%(
!t +a) embarra))ing% !t +a) ,riend) )he +a) talking about here% he re% ("ook3( ! )aid% ($o Ruth got mad at you% ! don1t kno+ +hy% &aybe )he1) ha*ing a bad day% 0ut nobody el)e got mad% Willie and Woo,er and Donny didn1t get mad%( $he )hook her head% (ou don1t under)tand% Willie and Woo,er and Donny ne*er get mad% !t1) not that% Not +ith them% !t1) /u)t that they ne*er )eem to )ee me here3 either% "ike ! don1t exi)t% "ike ! don1t matter% ! talk to them and they grunt and +alk a+ay% Or el)e +hen they do notice there1) )omething %% % not right about it% The +ay they look at me% nd Ruth%% %( $he1d )tarted no+ and there +a) no )to--ing her% (%%% Ruth hate) me &e and $u)an both% ou don1t )ee it% ou think thi) +a) /u)t one thing /u)t thi) one time but it1) not% !t1) all the time% time% ! +ork all day ,or her )ome day) and ! /u)t can1t -lea)e her3 nothing1) right3 nothing1) e*er the +ay )he1d do it% ! kno+ )he think) !1m )tu-id3 laGy3 ugly%% %( (8glyI( That3 at lea)t3 +a) ob*iou)ly ridiculou)%
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$he nodded% (! ne*er thought ! +a) be,ore but no+ ! don1t e*en kno+% Da*id3 you1*e kno+n the)e -eo-le all your li,e -ractically3 rightI( (eah ! ha*e%( ($o +hy What did ! doI ! go to bed at night and it1) all ! can think about% We +ere both real ha--y be,ore% ou kno+3 be,ore +e came here ! u)ed to -aint% Nothing *ery much3 /u)t a +atercolor no+ and then% ! don1t )u--o)e ! +a) e*er too great at it% 0ut my mother u)ed to like them% nd $u)an u)ed to like them3 and an d my teacher)% !1*e )till got the -aint) and bru)he) but ! /u)t can1t )tart to do one anymore%
ou kno+ +hyI 0ecau)e ! kno+ +hat Ruth +ould do3 ! kno+ +hat )he1d think% ! kno+ +hat )he1d )ay% $he1d /u)t look at me and !1d kno+ ! +a) )tu-id and +a)ting my time to e*en try%( ! )hook my head% That +a)n1t the Ruth ! kne+% ou could )ee Willie and Woo,er and Donny acting )trange around her2)he +a) a girl3 a,ter all% 0ut Ruth had al+ay) been good to u)% 8nlike the re)t o, the mother) on the block )he al+ay) had -lenty o, time ,or u)% Her door +a) al+ay) o-en% $he handed u) 7oke)3 )and+iche)3 cookie)3 the occa)ional beer% !t didn1t make )en)e and ! told her )o% (7ome on% Ruth +ouldn1t do that% Try it% &ake her one% &ake her a +atercolor% ! bet )he1d lo*e it% &aybe )he1) /u)t not u)ed to ha*ing girl) around3 you kno+I &aybe it /u)t take) time% Do it% Try one ,or her%( $he thought about it% (! couldn1t3( )he )aid% (Hone)t%( Aor a moment +e /u)t )tood there% $he +a) )haking% ! kne+ that +hate*er thi) +a) all about3 )he +a)n1t kidding% ! had an idea% (Ho+ about me3 thenI ou could make one ,or me%( Without the idea in mind3 +ithout the -lan3 !1d ne*er ha*e had the ner*e to a)k her% 0ut thi) +a) di,,erent% $he brightened a little% (Would you really +ant oneI(
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($ure ! +ould% !1d like it a lot%( $he looked at me )teadily until ! had to turn a+ay% Then )he )miled% (Okay% ! +ill3 Da*id%(
$he )eemed almo)t her u)ual )el, again% 'od ! liked it +hen )he )miled% Then ! heard the back door o-en% (&eg !t +a) Ruth% (!1d better go3( )he )aid% $he took my hand and )ueeGed it% ! could ,eel the )tone) in her mother1) +edding band% &y ,ace reddened% (!1ll do it3( )he )aid3 and ,led around the corner%He mu)t ha*e got right on it too becau)e the next day it rained all day into the e*ening and ! )at in my room reading The $earch ,or 0ridey &ur-hy and li)tening to the radio until ! thought !1d -robably kill )omebody i, ! heard that ,ucking Domenico &odugno )ing (#olare( one more time% nd then a,ter dinner my mother and ! +ere )itting in the li*ing room +atching tele*i)ion +hen &eg knocked at the back door% &y mother got u-% ! ,ollo+ed her and got my)el, a Pe-)i out o, the re,rigerator% &eg +a) )miling3 +earing a yello+ )licker3 her hair dri--ing +et% (! can1t come in3( )he )aid% (Non)en)e3( )aid my mother% (No3 really3( )he )aid% (! /u)t came o*er to gi*e you thi) ,rom &r)% 7handler%( $he handed my mother a +et bro+n bag +ith a container o, milk in)ide% Ruth and my mother didn1t exactly )ocialiGe but they +ere )till next2door neighbor) and neighbor) borro+ed% &y mother acce-ted the bag and nodded% (Tell &r)%
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7handler thank you ,or me3( )he )aid% (! +ill%(
Then )he dug do+n underneath the )licker and looked at me3 and no+ )he +a) really )miling% (nd thi) i) ,or you3( )he )aid% nd handed me my -ainting% !t +a) +ra--ed +ith )heet) o, hea*y o-aue tracing -a-er ta-ed together on both )ide)% ou could )ee )ome o, o , the line) and color) through it but bu t not the )ha-e) o, thing)% 0e,ore ! could e*en )ay thank) or anything )he )aid3 (0ye3( and +a*ed and )te--ed back out into the rain and clo)ed the door behind her% (Well3( )aid my mother3 and )he +a) )miling too no+% (What ha*e +e hereI( (! think it1) a -icture3( ! )aid% ! )tood there3 Pe-)i in one hand and &eg1) -ainting in the other% ! kne+ +hat my mother +a) thinking% What my mother +a) thinking had the +ord cute in it% (ren1t you going to o-en itI( (eah3 )ure% Okay%( ! -ut do+n the Pe-)i and turned my back to her and began +orking on the ta-e% Then ! li,ted o,, the tracing -a-er% ! could ,eel my mother looking o*er my )houlder but ! really didn1t care all o, a )udden% (That1) really good3 my mother )aid3 )ur-ri)ed% (That1) really *ery good% $he1) really uite )omething3 i)n1t )he%( nd it +a) good% ! +a) no art critic but you didn1t ha*e to be% $he1d done the dra+ing in ink3 and )ome o, the line) +ere +ide and bold and )ome +ere *ery delicate% The color) +ere -ale +a)he)2only the )ubtle )ugge)tion) o, color) but *ery true and li,elike +ith a lot o, the -a-er )ho+ing )o it ga*e you the im-re))ion o, a bright3 )unny day% !t +a) a -icture o, a boy by a ,lo+ing brook3 lying on hi) belly acro)) a big ,lat rock and looking do+n into the +ater3 +ith tree) and )ky all around% ! took it u- to The Dog Hou)e to ha*e it ,ramed% The Dog Hou)e +a) a -et )ho- turned hobby )ho-% They had beagle -u-) in the ,ront +indo+ and bo+) and arro+)3 Wham25 hula hoo-)3 model kit) and a ,rame )ho- in the back3 b ack3 +ith the ,i)h3 turtle)3 )nake) and canarie) in bet+een% The guy took a look and )aid3 (Not bad%(
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(7an ! ha*e it tomorro+I( (ou )ee u) going craGy hereI( he )aid% The -lace +a) em-ty% The =2'uy) Arom Harri)on chain )tore u- on Route 95 +a) killing him% (ou can ha*e it tonight% 7ome back 1round ,our2thirty%( ! +a) there by a uarter a,ter ,our3 ,i,teen minute) early3 but it +a) ready3 a nice -ine ,rame )tained mahogany% He +ra--ed it in bro+n -a-er% !t ,it -er,ectly into one o, the t+o rear ba)ket) on my bike% 0y the time ! got home it +a) almo)t dinnertime )o ! had to +ait through the -ot roa)t and green bean) and ma)hed -otatoe) +ith gra*y% Then ! had to take the garbage out% Then ! +ent o*er% The tele*i)ion +a) blaring the theme ,rom Aather Kno+) 0e)t3 my lea)t ,a*orite T# )ho+3 and do+n the )tair) ,or the billionth time came Kathy and 0ud and 0etty3 beaming% ! could )mell the ,rank) and bean) and )auerkraut% Ruth +a) in her chair +ith her ,eet uon the ha))ock% Donny and Willie )-ra+led together on the couch% Woo,er lay on hi) belly )o clo)e to the T# )et you had to +onder about hi) hearing% $u)an )at +atching ,rom a )traight2back chair in the dining room and &eg +a) out doing d oing the di)he)% $u)an )miled at me% Donny /u)t +a*ed and turned back to +atch T#% (JeeG3( ! )aid% (Don1t anybody get u- or nothing%( (Watcha got there3 )-ortI( )aid Donny% ! held u- the -ainting +ra--ed in bro+n -a-er% (Tho)e &ario "anGa record) you +anted%( He laughed% (7ree-%( nd no+ Ruth +a) looking at me% ! decided to /um- right in%
! heard the +ater )hut o,, in the kitchen% ! turned and &eg +a) +atching me3 +i-ing her hand) on her a-ron% ! ga*e her a )mile and my gue)) i) )he kne+ right a+ay +hat ! +a) doing3 (RuthI( ! (eahI Ral-hie3 turn the T# do+n% That1) it% What1) u-3 Da*yI( ! +alked o*er to her% ! glanced o*er my )houlder at &eg% $he +a) coming to+ard me through the dining room% $he +a) )haking her head% Her mouth +a) ,orming a )ilent (no(% That +a) okay% !t +a) /u)t )hyne))% Ruth +ould )ee the -ainting and )he1d get o*er it% (Ruth3( ! )aid% (Thi) i) ,rom &eg%( ! held it out to her%
$he )miled ,ir)t at me and then at &eg and took it ,rom me% Woo,er had Aather Kno+) 0e)t turned lo+ no+ )o you could hear the crinkling o, the )ti,, bro+n -a-er a) )he un+ra--ed it% The -a-er ,ell a+ay% $he looked at the -ainting% (&eg( )he )aid% (Where1d you get the money to buy thi)I( ou could tell )he admired it% ! laughed% (!t co)t) /u)t the ,raming3( ! )aid% ($he -ainted it ,or you%( ($he didI &eg didI( ! nodded% Donny3 Woo,er and Willie all cro+ded around to )ee% $u)an )li--ed o,, her chair%
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(!t1) beauti,ul( )he )aid% ! glanced at &eg again )till )tanding anxiou) and ho-e,ul looking in the dining room% Ruth )tared at the -ainting% !t )eemed like )he )tared a long time% Then )he )aid3 (No3 )he didn1t% Not ,or me% Don1t kid me% $he -ainted it ,or you3 Da*y%( $he )miled% The )mile +a) a little ,unny )omeho+% nd no+ ! +a) getting ge tting anxiou) too% ("ook here% boy on a rock% O, cour)e it1) ,or you%( $he handed it back to me% (! don1t +ant it3( )he )aid% ! ,elt con,u)ed% That Ruth might re,u)e it had ne*er e*en occurred to me% Aor a moment ! didn1t kno+ +hat to do% ! )tood there holding it3 looking do+n at it% !t +a) a beauti,ul -ainting% - ainting% ! tried to ex-lain%
(0ut it1) really meant ,or you3 Ruth% Hone)t% $ee3 +e talked about it% nd &eg +anted to do one ,or you but )he +a) )o%%%( (Da*id( !t +a) &eg3 )to--ing me% nd no+ ! +a) e*en more con,u)ed3 becau)e her *oice +a) )tern +ith +arning% !t made me almo)t angry% Here ! +a) in the middle o, thi) damn thing and &eg +ouldn1t let me get my)el, out o, it% Ruth /u)t )miled again% Then looked at Willie and Woo,er and Donny% (Take a le))on3 boy)% Remember thi)% !t1) im-ortant% ll you got to do any time i) be nice to a +oman2and )he1ll do all kind) o, good thing) ,or you% No+ Da*y +a) nice to &eg and got him)el, a -ainting% Nice -ainting% That i) +hat you got3 i)n1t it3 Da*yI ! mean that1) all you gotI ! kno+ you1re a little young but you ne*er kno+%( ! laughed3 blu)hing%
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(7ome on3 Ruth%( (Well3 !1m telling you you do ne*er kno+% 'irl) are -lain ea)y% That1) their -roblem% Promi)e 1em a little )omething and you can ha*e +hate*er you +ant hal, the time% ! kno+ +hat !1m )aying% "ook at your ,ather% "ook at Willie $r% He +a) gonna o+n hi) o+n com-any +hen +e married% Aleet o, milk truck)% $tart +ith one and an d +ork hi) +ay on u-% u -% ! +a) gonna hel- him +ith the book) /u)t like ! did back on Ho+ard *enue during the +ar% Ran that -lant during the +ar% We +ere gonna be richer than my ,olk) +ere +hen +he n ! +a) a kid in &orri)to+n3 and that +a) -retty rich3 !1ll tell you% 0ut you kno+ +hat ! gotI Nothing% Not a damned thing% Ju)t you three -o--in1 out one3 t+o3 three3 and that lo*ely !ri)h ba)tard1) o,, to 'od kno+) +here% $o ! get three hungry mouth) to ,eed3 and no+ !1*e got t+o more% (! tell you3 girl) are dumb% 'irl) are ea)y% $ucker) )traight on do+n the line%( $he +alked -a)t me to &eg% $he -ut her arm around her )houlder) and then )he turned to the re)t o, u)% (ou take thi) -ainting no+3( )he )aid% (! kno+ you made it ,or Da*id here and don1t you try to tell me any di,,erent% 0ut +hat ! +ant to kno+ i)3 +hat are you gonna get out o, itI What do you think thi) boy1) going to gi*e youI No+ Da*y1) a nice boy% 0etter than mo)t !1d )ay% De,initely better% 0ut darling12he1) not gonna gi*e you nothing !, you think he +ill you got another thing coming% ($o !1m /u)t )aying ! ho-e that -ainting1) all you been gi*ing him and all you +ill gi*e him3 and thi) i) ,or your o+n good !1m telling you% 0ecau)e you already got +hat men +ant right do+n here and it ain1t your goddamn art+ork%( ! could )ee &eg1) ,ace begin to tremble3 and ! kne+ )he +a) trying not to cry% 0ut unex-ected a) all thi) +a) ! +a) trying not to laugh% Donny too% The +hole thing +a) +eird and maybe it +a) -artly the ten)ion3 but +hat Ruth had )aid about the art+ork +a) ,unny% Her arm tightened around &eg1) )houlder)% (nd i, you gi*e them +hat they +ant3 then you1re nothing but a )lut3 honey% ou kno+ +hat a )lut i)I Do you3 $u)anI O, cour)e you don1t%
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ou1re too young% Well3 a )lut1) )omebody +ho1ll )-read her leg) ,or a man3 it1) that )im-le% $o they can +ea)el their +ay in)ide% Woo,er3 you uit your goddamn grinning%(
(nybody +ho1) a )lut de)er*e) a thra)hing% nybody in thi) to+n +ould agree +ith me% $o ! /u)t +arn you3 honey3 any )lut ting around thi) hou)e +ill mean your a)) i) gra)) and Ruth1) the la+n mo+er%( $he relea)ed &eg and +alked into the kitchen% $he o-ened the re,rigerator door% (No+3( )he )aid% (Who +ant) a beerI( $he ge)tured to+ard the -ainting% (Kind o, -ale2looking thing3 any+ay3( )he )aid3 (doncha thinkI( and reached ,or the )ix2 -ack% L
T+o beer) +a) all it took me in tho)e day) and ! +ent home laGy and high3 +ith the u)ual -romi)e not to breathe a +ord to my -arent)3 +hich +a)n1t nece))ary% !1d )ooner ha*e cho--ed o,, a ,inger% Once Ruth ,ini)hed her lecture the re)t o, the e*ening had been -retty une*ent,ul% &eg +ent into the bathroom ,or a +hile and +hen )he came out again it +a) a) though nothing had ha--ened% Her eye) +ere dry% Her ,ace an unreadable blank% We +atched Danny Thoma) and drank our beer) and then at one -oint during a commercial ! made -lan) to go bo+ling $aturday +ith Willie and Donny% ! tried to catch &eg1) eye but )he +ouldn1t look at me% When the beer) +ere done ! +ent home% ! hung the -ainting next to the mirror in my room% 0ut there +a) a ,eeling o, )trangene)) that +ouldn1t lea*e me% !1d ne*er heard anyone u)e the +ord )lut be,ore but ! kne+ +hat it meant% !1d kno+n )ince cribbing Peyton Place ,rom my mother% ! +ondered i, Eddie1) )i)ter Deni)e +a) )till too young to uali,y% ! remembered her naked3 bound to a tree3 her thick )mooth tender ni--le)% 7rying3 laughing2)ometime) both together% ! remembered the ,olded ,le)h bet+een her leg)% ! thought about &eg% ! lay in bed and thought ho+ ea)y it +a) to hurt a -er)on% !t didn1t ha*e to be -hy)ical% ll you had to do +a) take a good hard kick at )omething they cared about% ! could too i, ! +anted% Peo-le +ere *ulnerable% ! thought about my -arent) and +hat they +ere doing and ho+ they ke-t kicking at each other% $o regularly no+ that3 being in the middle a) ! +a) ! had contri*ed not to care about either o, them% "ittle thing)3 mo)tly3 but they added u-% ! couldn1t )lee-% &y -arent) +ere +e re in the next room3 my ,ather )noring% ! got u- and +ent into the kitchen ,or a 7oke%
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Then ! +ent into the li*ing room and )at on the couch% ! didn1t turn the light) on% a !t +a) +ell a,ter midnight% The night +a) +arm% There +a) no breeGe% ) u)ual my -arent) had le,t the +indo+) o-en% Through the )creen ! could )ee directly into the 7handler)1 li*ing room% Their light) +ere )till burning% Their +indo+) +ere o-en too and ! heard *oice)% ! couldn1t make out much o, +hat +a) being )aid but ! kne+ +ho +a) )-eaking% Willie% Ruth% Then &eg% Then Donny% E*en Woo,er +a) )till u-2you could hear hi) *oice high and )hrill a) girl1)3 laughing% The other) +ere all yelling about )omething% (%%% ,or a boyl( ! heard Ruth )ay% Then )he ,aded out again into a mixed /umble o, )ound) and *oice) all together% H ! )a+ &eg mo*e back into the ,rame o, the li*ing2room +indo+% $he +a) -ointing3 yelling3 her +hole body rigid and )haking +ith anger%
(ou +ill not1%( ! heard her )ay% Then Ruth )aid )omething lo+ and out o, my hearing range but it came out like a gro+l3 you could get that much3 and you could )ee &eg )ort o, colla-)e all o, a )udden3 you could +atch her ,old% nd then )he +a) crying% nd a hand )hot out and )la--ed her% !t )la--ed her )o hard )he ,ell back out o, ,rame and ! couldn1t )ee her anymore% Willie mo*ed ,or+ard% He )tarted to ,ollo+ her% $lo+ly% "ike he +a) )talking her% (That1) it( ! heard Ruth )ay% &eaning3 &ean ing3 ! think3 that Willie )hould let her alone% There +a) a moment +here ! gue)) nobody mo*ed% Then bodie) came and +ent ,or a +hile3 dri,ting by the +indo+3 e*erybody looking )ullen and angry3 Willie and Woo,er and Donny and Ruth and &eg -icking u- thing) ,rom the ,loor or rearranging the chair) or +hate*er and )lo+ly mo*ing a+ay% ! heard no more *oice)3 no talking% The only one ! didn1t )ee +a) $u)an% ! )at +atching% The light) +ent o,,% ou could )ee a dim glo+ ,rom the bedroom) and that +a) all% Then e*en that +a) gone and the hou)e +a) black a) our) +a)%
That $aturday at the alley) Kenny Robert)on mi))ed hi) )e*en -in ,or an ea)y )-are in the tenth ,rame3 ,ini)hing +ith a 95@% Kenny +a) )kinny and had a tendency to thro+ e*ery -ound he had into the ball and thro+ it +ild% He came back mo--ing hi) bro+ +ith hi) ,ather1) !ncky handkerchie,3 +hich hadn1t been too lucky ,or him at all that day% He )at bet+een me and Willie behind the )corecard% We +atched Donny line u- on hi) u)ual )-ot to the le,t o, the )econd arro+% (on think any more about itI( he a)ked Willie% (bout getting &eg into The 'ameI(
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Willie )miled% ! gue)) he +a) ,eeling good% He +a) -robably going to break 9<5 and that didn1t ha--en o,ten% He )hook hi) head% (We got our o+n 'ame no+%( he )aid%
Tho)e night) !1d )lee- at the 7handler)13 once +e got tired o, ,ooling around and Woo,er +a) a)lee- +e1d talk% !t +a) mo)tly Donny and !% Willie ne*er had much to )ay and +hat he did )ay +a) ne*er too )mart% 0ut Donny +a) bright enough and3 a) ! )aid3 the clo)e)t ! had to a be)t ,riend3 )o +e1d talk2about )chool and girl)3 the kid) on merican 0and)tand3 the endle)) my)terie) o, )ex3 +hat the rock 1n1 roll tune) +e heard on the radio really meant and )o on3 until long into the night% We talked about +i)he)3 ho-e)3 e*en nightmare) )ometime)% !t +a) al+ay) Donny +ho initiated the)e talk) and al+ay) ! +ho ,ini)hed them% t )ome -oint long -a)t exhau)tion !1d lean o*er the to- o, my bunk and )ay )omething like3 )ee +hat ! meanI and he1d be a)lee-3 lea*ing me alone at the mercy o, my thought)3 uncom,ortable and un)-ent3 )ometime) till da+n% !t took time ,or me to cut dee- enough into +hate*er it +a) ! ,elt and then once ! did ! couldn1t bear to gi*e u- the ta)te o, it% !1m )till that +ay% The dialogue i) )olo no+% ! don1t talk% No matter +ho1) in bed +ith me ! ne*er do% &y thought) )li- o,, into night mare) )ometime) but ! don1t )hare them% ! ha*e become no+ 13 +hat ! only began to be then2com-letely )el,2-rotecti*e% !t )tarted3 ! )u--o)e3 +ith my mother coming into my L room +hen ! +a) )e*en% ! +a) a)lee-% (!1m lea*ing your dad3( )he )aid3 +aking me% (0ut ! don1t +ant you to +orry% !1ll take you +ith me% ! +on1t lea*e you% Not e*er%( nd ! kno+ that ,rom )e*en to ,ourteen ! +aited3 -re-ared my)el,3 became my)el, +ho +a) )e-arate ,rom each o, them% That3 ! gue))3 +a) ho+ it )tarted% ( 0ut bet+een )e*en and thirteen Ruth ha--ened3 and &eg and $u)an ha--ened% Without them that con*er)ation +ith my mother might e*en ha*e been good ,or me% !t might only ha*e )a*ed me ,rom )hock and con,u)ion once the time came% 0ecau)e kid) are re)ilient% They bounce back to con,idence and )haring% ! +a)n1t able to% nd that1) due to +hat ha--ened a,ter3 to +hat ! did and didn1t do% &y ,ir)t +i,e3 E*elyn3 call) me )ometime)3 +ake) me u- at night% (re the children all rightI( )he a)k) me% Her *oice i) terri,ied% We had no kid) together3 E*elyn and !% $he1) been in and out o, in)titution) a number o, time)3 )u,,ering bout) o, acute de-re))ion and anxiety anx iety but )till it1) uncanny3 thi) ,ixation o, her)% ! 0ecau)e ! ne*er told her% Not any o, thi)3 ne*er3 a $o ho+ could )he kno+I Do ! talk in my )lee-I Did ! con,e)) to her one nightI
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Or i) )he )im-ly )en)ing )omething hidden in me2about me2ab out the only real rea)on +e ne*er did ha*e children% bout +hy ! ne*er allo+ed u) to% Her call) are like night bird) ,lying )creeching around my head% ! keek ee- +aiting ,or them to return% When they do !1m taken by )ur-ri)e% !t1) ,rightening% re the children all rightI !1*e long )ince learned not to ru,,le her% e)3 E*elyn3 ! tell her% $ure% They1re ,ine% 'o back to )lee- no+3 ! )ay% 0ut the children are not ,ine% They +ill ne*er be% ! knocked on the back )creen door% Nobody an)+ered% ! o-ened it and +alked in)ide% ! heard them laughing right a+ay% !t +a) coming ,rom one o, the bedroom)% &eg1) +a) a kind o, high2-itched )uealing )ound3 Woo,er1) a hy)terical giggle% Willie Jr1) and Donny1) +ere lo+er3 more ma)culine2)ounding% ! +a)n1t )u--o)ed to be there2! +a) being b eing -uni)hed% !1d been +orking on a model o, a 02<=3 a 7hri)tma) -re)ent ,rom my ,ather3 and ! couldn1t get one o, the +heel) on right% $o ! tried about three or ,our time) and then hauled o,, and kicked it to -iece) again)t the bedroom door% &y mother came in and it +a) a +hole big )cene and ! +a) grounded% &y mother +a) out )ho--ing no+% n o+% Aor a moment at lea)t3 ! +a) ,ree% ! headed ,or the bedroom)% They had &eg u- again)t the bedroom +all in a corner by the +indo+% Donny turned around% (Hey3 Da*id $he1) tickli)h &eg1) tickli)h(
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nd then it +a) like there +a) thi) -rearranged )ignal becau)e they all +ent at her at once3 going ,or her rib) +hile )he t+i)ted and tried to -u)h them a+ay and then doubled o*er3 elbo+) do+n to co*er her rib)3 laughing3 her long red -onytail )+inging% ('et her( (! got her( (gcQher3 Willie( ! looked o*er and there +a) $u)an )itting on the bed3 and )he +a) laughing too% (O+++( ! heard a )la-% ! looked u-% &eg1) hand +a) co*ering her brea)t and Woo,er had hi) o+n hand u- to hi) ,ace +here the redne)) +a) )-reading and you could )ee he +a) going to cry% Willie and Donny )tood a+ay% (What the hell( ( Donny +a) mad% !t +a) ,ine i, he belted Woo,er but he h e didn1t like it i, anybody el)e did% (ou bitch( )aid Willie% He took an a+k+ard o-en2handed )+ing at the to- o, her head% $he mo*ed ea)ily out o, it) +ay% He didn1t try again% (What1d you ha*e to do that ,orI( (ou )a+ +hat he did( (He didn1t do nothin1%( (He -inched me%( ($o +hat%( Woo,er +a) crying no+% (!1m tellingi( he ho+led% ('o ahead3( )aid &eg% (ou +on1t like it i, ! do3( )aid Woo,er%
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(! don1t care +hat you do% ! don1t care +hat any o, you do%( $he -u)hed Willie a)ide and +alked bet+een them -a)t me do+n the hall into the li*ing room% ! heard the ,ront door )lam% ("ittle bitch3( )aid Willie% He turned to $u)an% (our )i)ter1) a goddamn bitch%( $u)an )aid nothing% He mo*ed to+ard her though and ! )a+ her ,linch% (ou )ee thatI( (! +a)n1t looking3( ! )aid% Woo,er +a) )ni*eling% There +a) )not running all do+n hi) chin% ($he hit me( he yelled% Then he ran -a)t me too% (!1m telling &a3( )aid Willie% (eah% &e too3( )aid Donny% ($he can1t get a+ay +ith that%( (We +ere /u)t ,oolin1 around3 ,or chri))ake)%( Donny nodded% ($he really +hacked him%( (Well3 Woo,er touched her tit%( ($o +hat% He didn1t mean to%( (ou could get a )hiner like that%( (He could )till get one%( (0itch%( There +a) all thi) ner*ou) energy in the room% Willie and Donny +ere -acing like -ent2 u- bull)% $u)an )lid o,, the bed% Her brace) made a )har- metallic clatter% (Where you goingI( )aid Donny% (! +ant to )ee &eg3( )he )aid uietly%
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($cre+ &eg% ou )tay here% ou )a+ +hat )he did3 didn1t youI( $u)an nodded%
(ll right then% ou kno+ )he1) gonna get -uni)hed3 rightI( He )ounded *ery rea)onable3 like an older brother ex-laining )omething *ery -atiently to a not2too2bright )i)ter% $he nodded again% ($o you +ant to )ide +ith her and get -uni)hed tooI ou +ant your -ri*ilege) taken a+ayI( (No%( (Then you )tay right here3 okayI( (ll right%( (Right in thi) room%( (ll right%( ("et1) ,ind &a3( he )aid to Willie% ! ,ollo+ed them out o, the bedroom through the dining room and out the back door% Ruth +a) around back o, the garage3 +eeding her -atch o, tomatoe)% The dre)) )he +ore +a) old and ,aded and much too big ,or her3 cinched tight at the middle% The )coo- neck hung o-en +ide% $he ne*er +ore a bra% ! )tood o*er her and ! could )ee her brea)t) almo)t to the ni--le% They +ere )mall and -ale and they trembled a) )he +orked% ! ke-t glancing a+ay3 a,raid )he1d notice3 but my eye) +ere like a com-a)) needle and her brea)t) +ere due north3 a (&eg hit Woo,er3( )aid Willie% ($he didI( $he didn1t )eem concerned% $he /u)t ke-t +eeding3 a ($la--ed him3( )aid Donny% (WhyI( (We +ere /u)t ,ooling around%(
(E*erybody +a) tickling her3( )aid Willie%
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($o )he haul) o,, and clobber) him in the ,ace% Ju)t like that%( $he tugged out a -atch o, +eed)% The brea)t) )hook% They had goo)e,le)h on them% ! +a) ,a)cinated% $he looked at me and my eye) got to her) /u)t in time% (ou too3 Da*yI( (HuhI( (ou tickling &eg tooI( (No% ! /u)t came in%( $he )miled% (!1m not accu)ing you%( $he got to her knee) and then )tood u- and -ulled o,, the dirty +ork glo*e)% ( Where1) )he no+I( (Don1t kno+3( )aid Donny% ($he ran out the door%( (Ho+ about $u)anI( ($he1) in the bedroom%( ($he )a+ all thi)I( (eah%( (Okay%( $he marched acro)) the la+n to+ard the hou)e and +e ,ollo+ed% t the -orch )he +i-ed her thin bony hand) o*er her hi-)% $he -ulled o,, the )car, that bound her )hort bro+n hair and )hook it ,ree% ! ,igured ! had maybe t+enty minute) be,ore my mother came home ,rom )ho--ing )o ! +ent in)ide% We ,ollo+ed her into the bedroom% $u)an )at right +here +e le,t her on the bed looking at a magaGine3 o-en to a -icture o, "iG and Eddie Ai)her on one -age ,acing acro)) to Debbie Reynold) on the other% Eddie and "iG looked ha--y3 )miling% Debbie looked )our%
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($u)anI Where1) &egI( (! don1t kno+3 ma1am% $he le,t%( Ruth )at do+n next to her on the bed% $he -atted her hand% (No+ !1m told you )a+ +hat ha--ened here% That rightI( (e)3 ma1am% Woo,er touched &eg and &eg hit him%( (Touched herI( L $u)an nodded and -laced her hand o*er her )kinny little che)t like )he +a) -ledging allegiance to the ,lag% (Here3( )he )aid% Ruth /u)t )tared ,or a moment% I. Then )he )aid3 (nd did you try to )to- herI( ($to- &eg you meanI( (e)% Arom hitting Ral-hie%( $u)an looked be+ildered% (! couldn1t% !t +a) too ,a)t3 &r)% 7handler% Woo,er touched her and then right a+ay &eg hit him%( (ou )hould ha*e tried3 honey%( $he -atted her hand again% (&eg1) your )i)ter%( L (e)3 ma1am%( L (ou hit )omebody in the ,ace and it can do all kind) o, thing)% ou could mi)) and break an eardrum3 -oke out an eye% That1) dangerou) beha*ior%( (e)3 &r)% 7handler%( (Ruth% ! told you% Ruth%( (e)3 Ruth%( (nd you kno+ +hat it mean) to be in conni*ance +ith )omebody +ho doe) that kind o, thingI( $he )hook her head%
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(!t mean) you1re guilty too3 e*en though maybe you didn1t do anything in -articular% ou1re )ort o, a ,ello+ tra*eler% ou under)tand u nder)tand meI( (! don1t kno+%( Ruth )ighed% ("et me ex-lain to you% ou lo*e your )i)ter3 rightI( $u)an nodded% (nd becau)e you lo*e her3 you1d ,orgi*e her )omething like thi)3 +ouldn1t youI "ike hitting Ral-hieI( ($he didn1t mean to hurt him% $he /u)t got mad( (O, cour)e )he did% $o you1d ,orgi*e her3 am ! rightI( (8h2huh%( Ruth )miled% (Well no+ you )ee that1) /u)t -lain +rong3 honey That1) /u)t +hat -ut) you in conni*ance +ith her% What )he did +a)n1t right3 it1) bad beha*ior3 and you ,orgi*ing her /u)t becau)e you lo*e her3 that1) not right either% ou got to )to- thi) )ym-athiGing $uGie% !t doe)n1t matter that &eg1) your )i)ter% Right1) right% ou got to remember that i, you +ant to get along in li,e% No+ you /u)t )li- o*er the )ide o, the bed here3 -ull u- your dre)) and an d )lide do+n your dra+er)%( $u)an )tared at her% Wide2eyed3 ,roGen% Ruth got o,, the bed% $he unbuckled her belt% (71mon3 hon13( )he )aid% (!t1) ,or your o+n good% ! got to teach you about conni*ance% ou )ee3 &eg1) not here ,or her )hare% $o you got to get it ,or both o, you% our )hare1) ,or not )aying3 hey3 cut that out3 &eg2)i)ter or no )i)ter% Right1) right% Her )hare1) ,or doing it in the ,ir)t -lace% $o you come on o*er here no+% Don1t make me drag you%( $u)an /u)t )tared% !t +a) a) though )he couldn1t mo*e%
(Okay3( )aid Ruth% (Di)obedience i) another thing%(
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$he reached o*er and ,irmly2though not +hat you1d call roughly2took $u)an by the arm and )lid her o,, the bed% X $u)an began to cry% The leg brace) clattered% Ruth turned her L around )o )he ,aced the bed and leaned her o*er% Then )he L -ulled uthe back o, her ,rilled red dre)) and tucked it into her +ai)tband% Willie )norted3 laughing% Ruth )hot him a look% 8 $he -ulled do+n the little +hite cotton -antie)3 do+n o*er the brace) around her ankle)% (We1ll gi*e you ,i*e ,or conni*ing3 ten ,or &eg% nd ,i*e ,or di)obeying% T+enty%( $u)an +a) really crying no+% ! could hear her% ! +atched the )tream o, tear) roll do+n acro)) her cheek% ! ,elt )uddenly )hamed and )tarted to mo*e back through the door+ay% $ome im-ul)e ,rom Donny told me that maybe he +anted to do the )ame% 0ut Ruth mu)t ha*e )een u)% (ou )tay -ut3 boy)% 'irl) /u)t cry% There1) nothing you can do about it% 0ut thi) i) ,or her o+n good and you being here1) a -art o, it and ! +ant you to )tay%( The belt +a) thin ,abric3 not leather% $o maybe it +ouldn1t hurt too bad3 ! thought% $he doubled it o*er and rai)ed it abo*e her head% !t +hi)tled da+n% $mack% $u)an ga)-ed and began crying in earne)t3 loudly% Her behind +a) a) -ale a) Ruth1) brea)t) had been3 co*ered +ith a ,ine thin -latinum do+n% nd no+ it trembled too% ! could )ee a red )-ot ri)e high on her le,t cheek near the dim-le%
! looked at Ruth a) )he rai)ed the belt again% Her li-) +ere -re))ed tight together% Other+i)e )he +a) ex-re))ionle))3 concentrating% The belt ,ell again and $u)an ho+led% third time and then a ,ourth3 in ra-id )ucce))ion% Her a)) +a) )-lotchy red no+% ,i,th% $he )eemed to be almo)t gagging on mucu) and tear)3 her breath coming in gul-)% Ruth +a) )+inging +ider% We had to back a+ay% ! counted% $ix% $e*en% Eight3 nine3 ten%
;:
$u)an1) leg) +ere t+itching% Her knuckle) +hite +here )he gri--ed the bed)-read% !1d ne*er heard )uch crying% Run3 ! thought% Je)u) !1d damn +ell run% 0ut then o, cour)e )he couldn1t run% $he might /u)t a) +ell ha*e been chained there% nd that made me think o, The 'ame% Here +a) Ruth3 ! thought3 -laying The 'ame% !1ll be goddamned% nd e*en though ! +inced e*ery time the belt came do+n ! /u)t couldn1t get o*er it% The idea +a) amaGing to me% n adult% n adult +a) -laying The 'ame% !t +a)n1t the )ame exactly but it +a) clo)e enough% nd all o, a )udden it didn1t ,eel )o ,orbidden anymore% The guilt )eemed to ,all a+ay% 0ut the excitement o, it remained% ! could ,eel my ,ingernail) dig dee- into the -alm) o, my hand)% ! ke-t count% Ele*en% T+el*e% Thirteen% There +ere tiny bead) o, -er)-iration acro)) Ruth1) u--er li- and ,orehead% Her )troke) +ere mechanical% Aourteen% Ai,teen% Her H er arm +ent u-% 0eneath the belt le)) )ha-ele)) dre)) ! could )ee her belly hea*e% (Wo+( Woo,er )li--ed into the room bet+een me and Donny% $ixteen% He +a) )taring at $u)an1) red3 t+i)ted ,ace% (Wo+3( he )aid again% nd ! kne+ he +a) thinking +hat ! +a) thinking2+hat +e all +ere thinking% Puni)hment) +ere -ri*ate% t my hou)e they +ere at lea)t% t e*erybody1) hou)e3 a) ,ar a) ! kne+% a Thi) +a)n1t -uni)hment% Thi) +a) The 'ame% $e*enteen% Eighteen% H $u)an ,ell to the ,loor% ?L Ruth bent o*er her% $he +a) )obbing3 her +hole ,rail body t+itching no+3 head buried bet+een her arm)3 her knee) dra+n u- a) tight to her che)t a) the ca)t) -ermitted% Ruth +a) breathing hea*ily% $he -ulled u- $u)an1) -antie)% $he li,ted her u- and )lid her back on the bed3 lying her on her )ide and )moothing the dre)) do+n o*er her leg)% (ll right3( )he )aid )o,tly% (That1ll do% ou /u)t re)t no+% ou o+e me t+o%( nd then +e all /u)t )tood a moment3 li)tening to the mu,,led )obbing% ! heard a car -ull in next door% ($hit( ! )aid% (&y mother( ! raced through the li*ing room3 out the door to the )ide o, their hou)e and -eered through the hedge)% &y mother +a) -ulled in all the +ay to the garage% $he had the back o, the
;4
)tation +agon o-en and +a) bent o*er li,ting out bag) marked ! da)hed acro)) the dri*e+ay to our ,ront door and ran u- the )tair) to my room% ! o-ened a magaGine% ! heard the back door o-en% (Da*id 7ome on do+n here and hel- me +ith the grocerie)( !t )lammed )hut% ! +ent out to the car% &y mother +a) ,ro+ning% $he handed me one bag a,ter another% (The -lace +a) ab)olutely mobbed3( )he )aid% (What ha*e you been doingI( (Nothing% Reading%( ) ! turned to go back b ack in)ide ! )a+ &eg acro)) the )treet ,rom the 7handler)1 )tanding by the tree) in ,ront o, the orn)1 hou)e% $he +a) )taring at the 7handler)1 and che+ing on a blade o, gra))3 looking thought,ul3 a) though )he +ere trying to decide about )omething% $he didn1t )eem to )ee me% ! +ondered +hat )he kne+% ! took the bag) in)ide% Then later ! +ent out to the garage to get the garden ho)e and ! )a+ them in the yard3 /u)t &eg and $u)an3 )itting in the tall )-lotchy gra)) beyond b eyond the birch tree% &eg +a) bru)hing $u)an1) hair% "ong )mooth )troke) o, the bru)h that +ere ,irm and e*en but delicate too3 a) though the hair could brui)e i, you didn1t get it right% Her other hand care))ed it ,rom belo+ and under3 )troking +ith /u)t the ti-) o, the ,inger)3 li,ting it and letting it gently ,all% $u)an +a) )miling% Not a big )mile but you could )ee her -lea)ure3 ho+ &eg +a) )oothing her% nd ,or a moment ! realiGed ho+ connected the t+o o, them +ere3 ho+ alone and )-ecial in that connection% ! almo)t en*ied them% ! didn1t di)turb them% ! ,ound the garden ho)e% 7oming out o, the garage the breeGe had )hi,ted and ! could hear &eg humming% !t +a) *ery )o,t3 like a lullaby% ('oodnight !rene%( )ong my mother u)ed to )ing on long nighttime car tri-) +hen ! +a) little% 'oodnight3 !rene3 goodnight3 !rene3 !1ll )ee you in my dream)% ! caught my)el, humming it all day% nd e*ery time ! did !1d )ee &eg and $u)an )itting in the gra)) together and ,eel the )un on my ,ace and the )troke o, the bru)h and the )o,t )mooth hand)%(
Da*id3 ha*e you got any moneyI(
@5
! ,elt around in my -ocket) -ocke t) and came u- +ith a crinkled dollar bill and thirty2,i*e cent) in change% We +ere +alking o*er to the -layground3 &eg and !% There +a) going to be a game there in a little +hile% ! had my le,t2handed ,ielder1) mitt and an old black2 ta-ed ball% ! )ho+ed her the money% (Would you loan it to meI( (ll o, itI( (!1m hungry3( )he )aid% (eahI( (! +ant to go o*er to 7oGy $nack) ,or a )and+ich%( (Aor a )and+ich,( ! laughed% (Why doncha /u)t )teal a cou-le o, candy bar)I The counter1) ea)y there%( !1d done it my)el, on -lenty o, occa)ion)% &o)t o, u) did% The be)t +a) /u)t to +alk u- to +hate*er you +anted and take it and then +alk right out again% Nothing ,urti*e and no he)itation)% The -lace +a) al+ay) bu)y% There +a) nothing to it% nd nobody had any u)e ,or &r% Holly3 the old guy +ho ran the -lace3 )o there +a)n1t any guilt in*ol*ed% 0ut &eg /u)t ,ro+ned% (! don1t )teal3( )he )aid% Well /eeG3 ! thought3 meet &i)) Pri))% Pri))%
! ,elt a little contem-t ,or her% E*erybody )tole% !t +a) -art o, being a kid% (Ju)t loan me the money3 +ill youI( )he )aid% (!1ll -ay you back% ! -romi)e%( ! couldn1t )tay mad at her% (Okay% $ure3( ! )aid% ! dum-ed it into her hand% (0ut +hat do you +ant a )and+ich ,orI &ake one at Ruth1)%( (! can1t%( (Ho+ comeI( (!1m not )u--o)ed to%(
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(WhyI( (!1m not )u--o)ed to eat yet%( We cro))ed the )treet% ! looked le,t and right and then ! looked at her% $he had that ma)ked look% "ike there +a) )omething )he +a)n1t telling% Plu) )he +a) blu)hing% L (! don1t get it%( Kenny and Eddie and "ou &arino +ere already on the diamond to))ing a ball around% Deni)e +a) )tanding behind the back)to- +atching them% 0ut nobody )a+ u) yet% ! could tell &eg +anted to go but ! /u)t )tared at her% (Ruth )ay) !1m ,at3( )he )aid ,inally% ! laughed% (WellI( )he )aid% (Well +hatI( (m !I( (WhatI AatI( ! kne+ )he +a) )eriou) but ! )till had to laugh% ((7our)e not% $he1) kidding you%( $he turned abru-tly% ($ome /oke3( )he )aid% (ou /u)t try going +ithout dinner and break,a)t and lunch ,or a day%( Then )he )to--ed and turned back to me% (Thank)3( )he )aid% nd then )he +alked a+ay% The ball game di))ol*ed about abou t an hour a,ter it )tarted% 0y that time mo)t o, the kid) on the block +ere there3 not /u)t Kenny and Eddie and Deni)e and "ou &orino but Willie3 Donny3 Tony &orino and e*en 'len Knoll and Harry 'ray3 +ho )ho+ed u- becau)e "ou +a) -laying% With the older kid) there it +a) a good ,a)t game2until Eddie hit hi) hard line dri*e do+n the third2ba)e line and )tarted running% E*erybody but Eddie kne+ it +a) ,oul% 0ut there +a) no telling Eddie that% He rounded the ba)e) +hile Kenny +ent to cha)e the ball% nd then there +a) the u)ual argument Auck you and ,uck you and no3 ,uck you% The only
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di,,erence +a) that thi) time Eddie -icked u- hi) bat and +ent a,ter "ou &orino% "ou +a) bigger and older than Eddie but Eddie had the bat3 and the u-)hot +a) that rather than ri)k a broken no)e or a concu))ion he )talked o,, the ,ield in one direction taking Harry and 'len along +ith him +hile Eddie )talked o,, the other +ay% The re)t o, u) -layed catch% That +a) +hat +e +ere doing +hen &eg came by again% $he dro--ed )ome change into my hand and ! -ut it in my -ocket% (! o+e you eighty2,i*e cent)3( )he )aid% (Okay%( ! noticed that her hair +a) /u)t a little oily3 like )he hadn1t +a)hed it that morning% $he )till looked nice though% (Want to do )omethingI( )he )aid% (WhatI( ! looked around% ! gue)) ! +a) a,raid the other) +ould hear% (! don1t kno+% 'o do+n by the brookI( Donny thre+ me the ball% ! -egged it at Willie% ) u)ual he )lum-ed a,ter it too )lo+ly and mi))ed% (Ne*er mind3( )aid &eg% (ou1re too bu)y%( $he +a) irritated or hurt or )omething% $he )tarted to +alk a+ay% (No% Hey% Wait%( ! couldn1t a)k her to -lay% !t +a) hardball and )he had no glo*e% (Okay3 )ure% We1ll go do+n to the brook% Hang on a minute%( There +a) only one +ay to do thi) grace,ully% ! had to a)k the other)% (Hey guy) Want to go do+n to the brookI 7atch )ome cray,i)h or )omethingI !t1) hot here%( ctually the brook didn1t )ound bad to me% !t +a) hot% ($ure% !1ll go3( )aid Donny% Willie )hrugged and nodded%
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(&e too3( )aid Deni)e% 'reat3 ! thought% Deni)e% No+ all +e need i) Woo,er% (!1m gonna go get )ome lunch3( )aid Kenny% (&aybe !1ll meet you do+n there%(
(Okay%( Tony *acillated and then decided he +a) hungry too% $o that le,t /u)t u) ,i*e% ("et1) )to- at the hou)e3( )aid Donny% ('et )ome /ar) ,or the cray,i)h and a Thermo) o, Kool2id%( We +ent in through the back door and you could hear the +a)hing2machine going in the ba)ement% (DonnyI That youI( (eah3 &a%( He turned to &eg% ('et the Kool2id3 +ill yaI !1ll go do+n a,ter the /ar) and )ee +hat )he +ant)%( ! )at +ith Willie and Deni)e at the kitchen k itchen table% There +ere toa)t crumb) on it and ! bru)hed them onto the ,loor% There +a) al)o an a)htray crammed +ith cigarette butt)% ! looked through the butt) but there +a) nothing big enough to crib ,or later% &eg had the Thermo) out and +a) care,ully -ouring lime Kool2id into it ,rom Ruth1) big -itcher +hen they came u-)tair)% Willie had t+o -eanut butter /ar) and a )tack o, tin can) +ith him% Ruth +a) +i-ing her hand) on her ,aded a-ron% $he )miled at u) and then looked o*er at &eg in the kitchen% (What are you doingI( )he )aid% (Ju)t -ouring out )ome Kool2id%(
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$he dug into the -ocket o, her a-ron and took out a -ack o, Tareyton) and lit one% (Thought ! )aid )tay out o, the kitchen%( (Donny +anted )ome Kool2id% !t +a) Donny1) idea%( (! don1t care +ho)e idea it +a)%(
$he ble+ out )ome )moke and )tarted coughing% !t +a) a bad cough3 right u- ,rom the lung)3 and )he couldn1t e*en talk ,or a moment%(!t1) only Kool2id3( )aid &eg% &eg % (!1m not eating%( Ruth nodded% (ue)tion i)3( )he )aid3 taking another drag o, the cigarette3 (ue)tion i)3 +hat did you )neak be,ore ! got hereI( &eg ,ini)hed -ouring and -ut do+n the -itcher% (Nothing3( )he )ighed% (! didn1t )neak anything%( a Ruth nodded again% (7ome here3( )he )aid% &eg /u)t )tood there% (! )aid come o*er here%( $he +alked o*er% (O-en your mouth and let me )mell your breath%( (WhatI( . 0e)ide me Deni)e began to giggle% (Don1t )a)) me% O-en your mouth%( (Ruth%%%( (O-en it%( (No(
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(What1) thatI What1d you )ayI( (ou don1t ha*e any right to%% %( (! got all the right in the +orld% O-en it%( (No( (! )aid o-en it3 liar%( (!1m not a liar%( (Well ! kno+ you1re a )lut )o ! gue)) you1re a liar too% O-en it( (No%( (O-en your mouth( (No(
(!1m telling you to%( (! +on1t%( (Oh ye) you +ill% !, ! ha*e to get the)e boy) to -ry it o-en you +ill%( Willie )norted3 laughing% Donny +a) )till )tanding in the door+ay holding the can) and /ar)% He looked embarra))ed% (O-en your mouth3 )lut%( That made Deni)e giggle again% &eg looked Ruth )traight in the eye% $he took a breath% nd ,or a moment )he )uddenly managed an adult3 almo)t )tunning dignity% (! told you3 Ruth3( )he )aid% (! )aid no%( E*en Deni)e )hut u- then%
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We +ere a)toni)hed% We1d ne*er )een anything like it be,ore% Kid) +ere -o+erle))% lmo)t by de,inition% Kid) +ere )u--o)ed to endure humiliation3 or run a+ay ,rom it% !, you -rote)ted3 it had to be obliue% ou ran into your room and )lammed the door% ou )creamed and yelled% ou brooded through dinner% ou acted out2or broke thing) accidentally on -ur-o)e% ou +ere )ullen3 )ilent% ou )cre+ed u- in )chool% nd that +a) about abou t it% ll the gun) in your ar)enal% 0ut +hat you did not do +a) you did not )tand u- to an adult and )ay go ,uck your)el, in )o many +ord)% ou did not )im-ly )tand there and calmly )ay no% We +ere )till too young ,or that% $o that no+ it +a) -retty amaGing% Ruth )miled and )tubbed out her cigarette in the cluttered a)htray%
(! gue)) !1ll go get $u)an3( )he )aid% (! ex-ect )he1) in her room%( nd then it +a) her turn to )tare &eg do+n% !t la)ted a moment3 the t+o o, them ,acing o,, like gun,ighter)% Then &eg1) com-o)ure )hattered% (ou lea*e my )i)ter out o, thi) ou lea*e her alone( Her hand) +ere balled u- into ,i)t)3 +hite at the knuckle)% nd ! kne+ that )he kne+3 then3 about the beating the other day% ! +ondered i, there had been other time) and beating) 0ut in a +ay +e +ere relie*ed% Thi) +a) more like it% &ore like +hat +e +ere u)ed to% Ruth /u)t )hrugged% (No need ,or you to get all u-)et about it3 &eggy% ! /u)t +ant to a)k her +hat )he kno+) about you raiding the icebox in bet+een meal)% !, you +on1t do +hat ! a)k3 then ! gue)) )he1d be the one to kno+%( %%3 ($he +a)n1t e*en +ith u)( H (!1m )ure )he1) heard you3 honey% !1m )ure the neighbor) ha*e heard you% nyho+3 )i)ter) kno+3 don1t they% $orta in)tincti*e3 really%( $he turned to+ard the bedroom%
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($u)anI( &eg reached out and grabbed her arm% nd it +a) like )he +a) a +hole other girl no+3 )cared3 hel-le))3 de)-erate% /L ('od damn you( )he )aid% ou kne+ right a+ay it +a) a mi)take% H Ruth +hirled and )macked her% (ou touch meI ou touch me3 dammitI ou bold +ith meI( $he )la--ed her again a) &eg backed a+ay3 and again a) )he )tumbled again)t the re,rigerator3 o,, balance3 and ,ell to her knee)% Ruth leaned o*er and gri--ed her /a+3 -ulling on it hard% (No+ you o-en your goddamn mouth3 you hear meI Or !1ll kick the li*ing )hit out o, you yo u and your -reciou) little )i)ter ou hear meI WillieI DonnyI( Willie got u- and +ent to her% Donny looked con,u)ed% (Hold her%( ! ,elt ,roGen% E*erything +a) ha--ening )o ,a)t% ! +a) a+are o, Deni)e )itting next to me3 goggle2eyed% (! )aid hold her%( Willie got out o, hi) )eat and took her right arm and ! gue)) gu e)) Ruth +a) hurting her +here )he held tight to her /a+ becau)e )he didn1t re)i)t% Donny -ut hi) /ar) and can) on the table and took hold o, her le,t% T+o o, the can) rolled o,, the table and clattered to the ,loor% (No+ o-en3 tram-%( nd then &eg did ,ight3 trying to get to her ,eet3 bucking and rolling again)t them3 but they had her tight% Willie +a) en/oying him)el,3 that +a) ob*iou)% 0ut Donny looked grim% Ruth had both hand) on her no+3 trying to -ry her /a+) a-art% &eg bit her% Ruth yelled and )tumbled back% &eg )uirmed to her ,eet% Willie t+i)ted her arm behind her back and yanked it u-% $he yelled and doubled o*er and tried to -ull a+ay3 )haking
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her le,t arm hard to get it a+ay ,rom Donny in a kind o, )imultaneou) -anic and )he almo)t made it3 Donny1) gri- +a) uncertain enough3 )he almo)t got it ,ree%
Then Ruth )te--ed ,or+ard again% Aor an in)tant )he /u)t )tood there3 )tudying her3 looking ! gue)) ,or an o-ening% Then )he balled u- a ,i)t and hit her in the )tomach exactly the +ay a man +ould hit a man3 and nearly a) hard% What you heard +a) like )omebody -unching a ba)ketball% &eg ,ell3 choking3 and ga)-ed ,or breath% Donny let her go% (Je)u)( +hi)-ered Deni)e be)ide me%Ruth )te--ed back% (ou +ant to ,ightI( )he )aid% (Okay% Aight%( &eg )hook her head% (ou don1t +ant to ,ightI NoI( $he )hook her head% Willie looked at hi) mother% (Too bad3( he )aid uietly3 He )till had her arm% nd no+ he )tarted t+i)ting% $he doubled o*er% (Willie1) right3( )aid Ruth% (!t i) too bad% 7ome on3 o n3 &eg honey3 ,ight% Aight him%( ! Willie t+i)ted% $he /um-ed +ith the -ain and ga)-ed and )hook her head a third time% L (Well ! gue)) )he /u)t +on1t do it3( )aid Ruth% (Thi) girl don1t +ant to do anything ! )ay today%( $he )hook the hand &eg had bitten and examined it% Arom +here ! )at it +a) /u)t a red )-ot% &eg hadn1t broken the )kin or anything% ("et her go3( )aid Ruth% He dro--ed her arm% &eg )lum-ed ,or+ard% $he +a) crying% ! didn1t like to +atch% ! glanced a+ay% ! )a+ $u)an )tanding in the hall3 holding on to the +all3 looking ,rightened3 )taring around the corner% Eye) ri*eted on her )i)ter% (! gotta go3( ! )aid in a *oice that )ounded )trangely thick to me% (What about the brookI( )aid Willie% $ounding di)a--ointed3 the big a))% "ike nothing had ha--ened at all%
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("ater3( ! )aid% (! gotta go no+%( ! +a) a+are o, Ruth +atching me% ! got u-% ! didn1t +ant to go by &eg ,or )ome rea)on% !n)tead ! +alked -a)t $u)an to the ,ront door% $he didn1t )eem to notice me% (Da*id3( )aid Ruth% Her *oice +a) *ery calm% (e)I( (Thi) i) +hat you1d call a dome)tic di)-ute3( )he )aid% (Ju)t bet+een u) here% h ere% ou )a+ +hat you )a+% 0ut it1) nobody1) bu)ine)) but our)% ou kno+I ou under)tandI( ! he)itated3 then nodded% ('ood boy3( )he )aid% (! kne+ you +ere% ! kne+ you1d under)tand%( ! +alked out)ide% !t +a) a hot3 muggy day% !n)ide it had been cooler% ! +alked back to the +ood)3 cutting a+ay ,rom the -ath to the brook and into the dee-er +ood) behind the &orino hou)e% ho u)e% !t +a) cooler there% !t )melled o, -ine and a nd earth% ! ke-t )eeing &eg )lum-ed o*er3 crying% nd then !1d )ee her )tanding in ,ront o, Ruth looking her coolly in the eye )aying ! told you ! )aid no% Aor )ome rea)on the)e alternated +ith remembering an argument +ith my mother earlier that +eek% ou1re /u)t like your ,ather3 )he1d )aid% !1d re)-onded ,uriou)ly% Not nearly n early a) +ell a) &eg had% !1d lo)t it% !1d raged% !1d hated her% ! thought about that no+ in a detached kind o, +ay and then ! thought about all thi) other )tu,, today% !t had been an amaGing morning% 0ut it +a) a) though e*erything canceled e*erything% ! +alked through the +ood)% ! didn1t ,eel a thing%
ou could get ,rom my hou)e to 7oGy $nack) through the +ood) by cro))ing the brook at the 0ig Rock and then +alking along the ,ar bank -a)t t+o old hou)e) and a con)truction )ite3 and ! +a) coming home that ,ading to the next day +ith a Three &u)keteer)3 )ome
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red licorice there on )ome Aleer1) Double 0ubble2+hich3 thinking o, &eg3 ! heard &eg )cream% ! kne+ it +a) her% !t +a) /u)t a )cream% !t could ha*e um o*er anybody1)% 0ut ! kne+% ! got uiet% ! mo*ed along the bank% $he +a) )tanding on the 0ig Rock% Willie and Woo,er 3 +hich t ha*e )ur-ri)ed her there +ith her hand in the +ater nobody u)e her )lee*e +a) rolled u- and the brook +ater beaded +a) big ,orearm and you could )ee the long li*id )car like a +orm you1d thing u- through her )kin% in hi) They +ere -elting her +ith the can) ,rom the cellar3 +hen +e Woo,er1) aim3 at lea)t3 +a) good% goo d% 0ut then Willie +a) aiming ,or the head% harder target% He al+ay) +ent + ent +ide%% He1d While Woo,er hit her ,ir)t on her bare knee and then3 en )he turned3 in the center o, the back% &eg3 $he turned again and )a+ them -ick u- the gla)) Torino anut butter /ar)% Woo,er ,ired% 'la)) )hattered )hattered at her ,eet3 )-rayed her leg)% !t +ould ha*e hurt her bad to get hit +ith one o, tho)e% There +a) no+here ,or her to go exce-t into the brook% $he couldn1t ha*e )caled the high bank be)ide me3 at lea)t not in time% $o that +a) +hat )he did% $he +ent into the +ater% The brook +a) running ,a)t that day and the bottom bo ttom +a) co*ered +ith mo))y )tone)% ! )a+ her tri- and ,all almo)t immediately +hile another /ar )ma)hed on a rock nearby% $he hauled her)el, u-3 ga)-ing and +et to the )houlder)3 and tried to run% $he got ,our )te-) and ,ell again% Willie and Woo,er +ere ho+ling3 laughing )o hard they ,orgot to thro+ their /ar) any more% $he got u- and thi) time ke-t her ,ooting and )-la)hed do+n)tream3 a When )he turned the corner there +a) good hea*y thicket to co*er her% !t +a) o*er% maGingly nobody had )een me% They )till didn1t% ! ,elt like a gho)t% ! +atched them gather u- their ,e+ remaining can) and /ar)% Then they +alked o,, laughing do+n the -ath to their hou)e% ! could hear them all the +ay3 *oice) gradually ,ading% ! ))hole)3 ! thought% There1) gla)) all o*er o* er no+% We can1t go +ading% Not at lea)t until it ,lood) again% ! cro))ed care,ully acro)) the Rock to the other )ide% !t +a) du)k3 a +arm night grace,ully ,ading to dark3 and there +ere hundred) o, u) out there on blanket) in &emorial Aield in ,ront o, the high )chool +aiting ,or the ,ire+ork) to )tart% Donny and ! )at +ith my -arent)2!1d in*ited him o*er ,or dinner that night2and they )at +ith their ,riend) the Hender)on)3 +ho li*ed t+o block) a+ay% The Hender)on) +ere 7atholic and childle))3 +hich right a+ay meant that )omething +a) + a) +rong3 though nobody )eemed to kno+ +hat it +a) exactly% &r% Hender)on +a) big and outdoor)y and gi*en to -laid and corduroy3 +hat you1d call a man1) man3 kind o, ,un% He rai)ed beagle) in hi) backyard and let u) )hoot hi) 00 gun) )ometime) +hen +e +ent
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o*er% &r)% Hender)on +a) thin3 blond3 -ug2no)ed3 and -retty% Donny once )aid he couldn1t )ee the -roblem% He1d ha*e ,ucked her in a minute% Arom +here +e )at +e could )ee Willie3 Woo,er3 &eg3 $u)an and Ruth acro)) the ,ield )itting next to the &orino ,amily% The entire e ntire to+n +a) there% !, you could +alk or dri*e or cra+l on the Aourth o, July you came to the ,ire+ork)% -art ,rom the &emorial Day Parade it +a) our one big )-ectacle o, the year% nd -ro ,orma the co-) +ere there% Nobody really ex-ected any trouble% The to+n +a) )till at that )tage +here e*erybody kne+ e*erybody3 or kne+ )omebody el)e +ho did% ou +ent out and le,t your door o-en all day in ca)e )omebody came by and you +eren1t there3 / The co-) +ere ,amily ,riend)3 mo)t o, them% &y dad kne+ them ,rom the bar or ,rom the #AW% . &o)tly they +ere /u)t making )ure that nobody nob ody thre+ cherry bomb) too near the blanket)% $tanding around +aiting ,or the )ho+ like the re)t o, u)% Donny and ! li)tened to &r% Hender)on +ho +a) talking about the beagle)1 ne+ litter and drank iced tea ,rom the Thermo) and belched out -ot roa)t ,ume) at one another3 laughing% &y mother al+ay) made -ot roa)t +ith a lot o, onion) in it% !t dro*e my ,ather craGy but it +a) /u)t the +ay +e liked it% !n hal, an hour +e1d be ,arting% ) The -ublic2 addre)) )y)tem blared John Phili- $ou)a% uarter2moon +a) u- o*er the high )chool building% !n the dim gray light you could )ee little kid) cha)ing each other through the cro+d% Peo-le +ere lighting )-arkler)% 0ehind u) a ,ull -ack o, t+o2incher) +ent o,, like machinegun ,ire% We decided to get )ome ice cream% H The 'ood Humor truck +a) doing a bang2u- bu)ine))3 kid) +ading in ,our dee-% We gradually -u)hed our +ay through +ithout getting )te--ed on% ! got a 0ro+n 7o+ and Donny got a Audge)icle and +e hauled our)el*e) back out again% Then +e )a+ &eg by the )ide o, the truck3 talking to &r% Jenning)% nd it )to--ed u) dead in our track)% 0ecau)e &r% Jenning) +a) al)o O,,icer Jenning)% He +a) a co-% nd there +a) )omething in the +ay )he +a) acting3 ge)turing +ith her hand)3 leaning ,or+ard )ort o, into him3 )o that +e kne+ right a+ay +hat )he +a) )aying% !t +a) )cary3 )hocking% We )tood there rooted to the )-ot% &eg +a) telling% 0etraying Ruth% 0etraying Donny and e*erybody%
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$he +a) ,acing a+ay ,rom u)% Aor a moment +e /u)t )tared at her and then a) i, on cue +e looked at one another% Then +e +ent o*er% Eating our ice cream)% #ery ca)ual% We )tood right be)ide her o,, to one )ide% &r% Jenning) glanced at u) ,or a )econd but then looked o,, in the general direction o, Ruth and Willie and the other)3 and then3 nodding3 li)tening care,ully3 looked attenti*ely back to &eg% We +orked )tudiou)ly at the ice cream)% We looked around% (Well3 that1) her right3 ! gue))3( he )aid% (No3( )aid &eg% (ou don1t under)tand%( 0ut then +e couldn1t hear the re)t o, it% &r% Jenning) )miled and )hrugged% He -ut a big ,reckled hand on her )houlder%
("i)ten3( he )aid% (Aor all ! kno+ maybe your -arent) +ould1*e ,elt exactly the )ame% Who1) to )ayI ou1*e got to think o, &iG 7handler a) your mom no+3 don1t youI( $he )hook her head% nd then he became a+are o, u)3 ! think3 really a+are o, Donny and me and +ho +e +ere ,or the ,ir)t time and +hat +e might mean in term) o, the con*er)ation they +ere ha*ing there% ou could )ee hi) ,ace change% 0ut &eg +a) )till talking3 arguing% He +atched u) o*er her )houlder3 looked at u) long and hard% Then he took her arm% ("et1) +alk3( he )aid% ! )a+ her glance ner*ou)ly in Ruth1) direction but it +a) getting hard to )ee by no+3 -retty much ,ull dark +ith only the moon and )tar) and the occa)ional )-arkler to )ee by3 )o there +a)n1t much chance that Ruth had noticed them together% Arom +here ! )tood the cro+d +a) already a )ha-ele)) ma)) like )crub and cactu) )tudding a -rairie% ! kne+ +here they +ere )itting but ! couldn1t co uldn1t make them out or my -arent) - arent) and the Hender)on) either%
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0ut you kne+ -er,ectly - er,ectly +ell +hy )he +a) )cared% ! ,elt )cared my)el,% What )he +a) doing ,elt exciting and ,orbidden3 exactly like trying to )ee her through the +indo+) ,rom the birch tree% &r% Jenning) turned hi) back to u) and gently mo*ed her a+ay% ($hit(3 +hi)-ered Donny% ! heard a +hoo)h% The )ky ex-loded% 0right +hite -u,,ball) -o--ed and )ho+ered do+n% Oooooooo3 +ent the cro+d% nd in the gho)tly +hite light o, the a,ter)hock ! looked at him% ! )a+ con,u)ion and +orry% He had al+ay) been the reluctant one +ith &eg% He )till +a) no+% (What are you going to doI( ! a)ked him% He )hook hi) head% (He +on1t belie*e her3( he )aid% (He +on1t do nothin1% 7o-) talk but they ne*er do anything to you%( !t +a) like )omething Ruth had )aid to u) once% 7o-) talk but they ne*er do% He re-eated it no+ a) +e +alked back to our blanket) like an article o, ,aith% "ike it had to be% lmo)t like a -rayer% The -ro+l car -ulled in around eight the ,ollo+ing e*ening% ! )a+ &r% Jenning) +alk uthe )te-) and knock and Ruth let him in% Then ! +aited3 +atching out my li*ing2room +indo+% $omething turning o*er and o*er in my )tomach% &y -arent) +ere at a birthday -arty at the Knight) o, 7olumbu) and my )itter +a) "inda 7otton3 eighteen and ,reckled and3 ! thought3 cute3 though nothing com-ared to &eg% t )e*enty2,i*e cent) an hour )he couldn1t ha*e cared le)) +hat ! +a) doing )o long a) it +a) uiet and didn1t inter,ere +ith her +atching The d*enture) o, Ellery ueen on the T#% We had an agreement3 "inda and !% ! +ouldn1t tell about her boy,riend $te*e coming o*er or the t+o o, them necking on the )o,a all night and ! could do -retty much +hate*er ! +anted on condition that ! +a) home in bed be,ore my -arent) returned% $he kne+ ! +a) getting too old ,or )itter) anyho+%
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$o ! +aited until the -ro+l car -ulled a+ay again and then ! +ent next door% !t +a) about uarter to nine% They +ere )itting in the li*ing room and dining room% ll o, them% !t +a) uiet and nobody mo*ed and ! got the ,eeling it had been that +ay ,or a long time% E*erybody +a) )taring at &eg% E*en $u)an +a)%
! had the )trange)t ,eeling% "ater3 during the $ixtie)3 ! +ould realiGe +hat it +a)% ! +ould o-en a letter ,rom the $electi*e $er*ice $y)tem and read the card in)ide that told me my )tatu) had no+ been changed to 9% !t +a) a )en)e o, e)calation% That the )take) +ere higher no+% a me% ! )tood in the door+ay% !t +a) Ruth +ho ackno+ledged (Hello3 Da*id3( )he )aid uietly% ($it do+n% Join u)%( Then )he )ighed% ($omebody get me a beer3 +ill youI( Willie got u- in the dining room and +ent into the kitchen3 got a beer ,or her and one ,or him)el,3 o-ened them and handed one to her% Then he )at do+n again3 ,l Ruth lit a%cigarette% ! looked at &eg )itting in a ,olding chair in ,ront o, the blank gray eye o, the tele*i)ion% $he looked )cared but determined% ! thought o, 'ary 7oo-er +alking out onto the )ilent )treet at the end o, High Noon% (Well no+3( )aid Ruth% (Well no+%( $he )i--ed the beer3 )moked the cigarette% Woo,er )uirmed on the couch% ! almo)t turned and +ent out again% Then Donny got u- in the dining room% He +alked (( o*er to &eg% He )tood there in ,ront o, her% (ou brought a co- here a,ter my mom3( he )aid% 3 (,ter my mother%( &eg looked u- at him% Her ,ace relaxed a little% !t +a) Donny3 a,ter all% Reluctant Donny%
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(!1m )orry3( )he )aid% (! /u)t had to be )ure it +ouldn1t%%%( Hi) hand )hot u- and )la)hed acro)) her ,ace% ($hut u- $hut u-3 yo ( Hi) hand +a) -oi)ed in ,ront o, o , her3 ready3 trembling% !t looked like it +a) all he could do not to hit her again and a +hole lot harder thi) time% $he )tared at him3 agha)t% ($it do+n3( Ruth )aid uietly% !t +a) like he hadn1t heard her% ($it do+n( He -ulled him)el, a+ay% Hi) about2,ace +a) + a) -ractically military% He )talked back into the dining room% Then there +a) a )ilence again% Ainally Ruth leaned ,or+ard% (What ! +ant to kno+ i) thi)% What did you think3 &eggyI What +ent through your mindI( &eg didn1t an)+er% Ruth )tarted coughing% That dee-3 hacking cough )he had% Then )he got control% (What ! mean to )ay i)3 did you think he +a) gonna take you a+ay or )omethingI ou and $u)anI 'et you out o, hereI (Well !1ll tell you it1) not gonna ha--en% He1) not gonna take you any+here3 girly% 0ecau)e he doe)n1t care to% !, he1d cared to he1d ha*e done it on the )-ot back at the ,ire+ork) and he didn1t3 did heI ($o +hat1) le,tI What1d you ha*e in mindI (ou think maybe !1d be )cared o, himI(
&eg /u)t )at there3 arm) ,olded3 +ith that determined d etermined look in her eye)% Ruth )miled3 )i--ed her beer%
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nd )he looked determined too in her +ay% (Problem i)3( )he )aid3 (+hat do +e do no+I There1) nothing about that man or any other man that )care) me3 &eggy% !, you didn1t kno+ that be,ore then ! )ure ho-e you kno+ it no+% 0ut ! can1t ha*e you running to the co-) e*ery ten3 t+enty minute) either% $o the ue)tion i)3 +hat no+I (!1d )end you )ome-lace i, there +a) )ome-lace to )end you% 0elie*e me ! +ould% Damned i, ! need )ome )tu-id little +hore out ruinin1 my re-utation% nd 'od kno+) they don1t -ay me enough to bother trying to correct you% Hell3 +ith +hat they -ay it1) a +onder ! can e*en ,eed you( $he )ighed% (! gue)) ! got to think about thi)3( )he )aid% Then )he got to her ,eet and +alked into the kitchen% $he o-ened the re,rigerator% (ou get to your room% $u)ie too% nd )tay there%( $he reached ,or a beer and then laughed% (0e,ore Donny get) to thinking he might come o*er and )mack you again%( $he o-ened the can o, 0ud+ei)er% &eg took her )i)ter1) arm and led her into the bedroom% (ou too3 Da*id3( )aid Ruth% (ou better get on home% $orry% 0ut ! got )ome di,,icult thinking to do%( (That1) okay%( (ou +ant a 7oke or )omething ,or the roadI( ! )miled% Aor the road% ! +a) right next door% (No3 that1) okay%(
(Want me to )neak you a beerI( $he had that old mi)chie*ou) t+inkle in her eye% The ten)ion di))ol*ed% ! laughed%
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(That1d be cool%( $he to))ed me one% ! caught it% (Thank)3( ! )aid% (Don1t mention it3( )he )aid and thi) time all o, u) laughed3 becau)e don1t mention it +a) a code bet+een u)% !t +a) al+ay) +hat )he )aid to u) u ) kid) +hen )he +a) letting u) do )omething our -arent) +ouldn1t +ant u) to do or o r let u) do in our o+n hou)e)% Don1t mention it% (! +on1t3( ! )aid% ! )tu,,ed the can into my )hirt and +ent out)ide% When ! got back b ack to my hou)e "inda +a) curled u- in ,ront o, the T# )et +atching Edd 0yrne) comb hi) hair during the o-ening credit) o, @@ $un)et $tri-% $he looked )ort o, glum% ! gue))ed that $te*e +a)n1t )ho+ing u- tonight% (Night3( ! )aid and +ent u- to my room% ! drank the beer and thought o, &eg% ! +ondered i, ! )hould try to hel- her )omeho+% There +a) a con,lict here% ! +a) )till attracted to &eg and liked her but Donny and Ruth +ere much older ,riend)% ! +ondered i, )he really e*en needed hel-ing% Kid) got )la--ed3 a,ter all% Kid) got -unched around% ! +ondered +here thi) +a) going% What do +e do no+I )aid Ruth% ! )tared at &eg1) +atercolor on my +all and began to +onder about that too%
What Ruth decided +a) that3 ,rom then on3 &eg +a) ne*er allo+ed to lea*e the hou)e alone% Either )he +a) +ith her3 or Donny or Willie% &o)tly )he didn1t lea*e at all% $o that ! ne*er had a chance to a)k &eg +hat )he +anted done3 i, )he +anted )omething done3 ne*er mind deciding +hether !1d actually do it or not% !t +a) out o, my hand)% Or )o ! thought% That +a) a relie, to me% !, ! ,elt that anything +a) lo)t2&eg1) con,idence3 or e*en /u)t her com-any229 +a) ne*er all that a+are o, it% ! kne+ that thing) had taken a -retty unu)ual turn next door and ! gue)) ! +a) looking ,or )ome di)tance ,rom it ,or a +hile3 to )ort thing) out ,or my)el,% $o
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! )a+ le)) than u)ual o, the 7handler) ,or the next ,e+ day) and an d that +a) a relie, too% ! hung around +ith Tony and Kenny and Deni)e and 7heryl3 and e*en +ith Eddie no+ and then +hen it ,elt )a,e% The )treet +a) buGGing +ith ne+) o, +hat +a) ha--ening o*er there% $ooner or later e*ery con*er)ation came back to the 7handler)% What made it )o incredible +a) that &eg had gotten the -olice in*ol*ed% That +a) the re*olutionary act3 the one +e couldn1t get o*er% 7ould you imagine turning in an adult2e)-ecially an adult +ho might /u)t a) +ell ha*e been b een your mother2to the co-)I !t +a) -ractically unthinkable% et it +a) al)o ,raught +ith -otential% ou could )ee Eddie in -articular )te+ing o*er the idea% Daydreaming about hi) ,ather ! gue))ed% thought,ul Eddie +a) not )omething +e +ere u)ed to either% !t added to the )trangene))% 0ut a-art ,rom the bu)ine)) +ith the co-) all anybody really kne+2including me2+a) that -eo-le +ere getting -uni)hed a lot o*er there ,or )eemingly little rea)on3 but that +a) nothing ne+ exce-t that it +a) ha--ening at the 7handler)13 +hich +e1d all con)idered )a,e ha*en% That and the ,act that Willie and Donny +ere -artici-ating% 0ut e*en that didn1t )trike u) a) too odd% We had The 'ame a) -recedent% No3 mo)tly it +a) the co-)% nd it +a) Eddie +ho3 a,ter a +hile3 had the ,inal +ord on that )ub/ect% (Well3 it didn1t get her )hit though3 did it3( he )aid% i Thought,ul Eddie% Edd ie% 0ut it +a) true% nd )trangely enough3 in the cour)e o, the +eek that ,ollo+ed our ,eeling) )lo+ly changed to+ard &eg a) a re)ult o, that% Arom admiration at the )heer all2 or nothing boldne)) o, the act3 at the *ery conce-t o, challenging Ruth1) authority )o com-letely and -ublicly3 +e dri,ted to+ard a kind o, *ague contem-t ,or her% Ho+ could )he be )o dumb a) to think a co- +a) going to )ide +ith a kid again)t an adult3 any+ayI Ho+ could )he ,ail to realiGe it +a) only going to make thing) +or)eI Ho+ could )he ha*e been )o nai*e3 )o tru)ting3 )o 'od2and2a--le2-ie )tu-idI The -oliceman i) your ,riend% Hor)e)hit% None o, u) +ould ha*e done it% We kne+ better%
ou could actually almo)t re)ent her ,or it% !t +a) a) though in ,ailing +ith &r% Jenning) )he had thro+n in all our ,ace) the *ery ,act o, /u)t ho+ -o+erle)) +e +ere a) kid)% 0eing (/u)t a kid( took on a +hole ne+ de-th o, meaning3 o, ominou) threat3 that maybe +e kne+ +a) there all along but +e1d ne*er had to think about be,ore% $hit3 they could dum- u) in a ri*er i, they +anted to% We +ere /u)t kid)% We +ere -ro-erty% We belonged
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to our -arent)3 body and )oul% !t meant +e +ere doomed in the ,ace o, any real danger ,rom the adult +orld and that meant ho-ele))ne))3 and humiliation and anger% !t +a) a) though in ,ailing her)el, &eg had h ad ,ailed u) a) +ell% $o +e turned that anger out+ard% To+ard &eg% ! did too% O*er /u)t that cou-le o, day) ! ,licked a )lo+ mental )+itch% ! )to--ed +orrying% +o rrying% ! turned o,, on her entirely% Auck it3 ! thought% "et it go +here it goe)%
The day ! ,inally did go o*er and knock on the door nobody an)+ered3 but )tanding on the -orch ! +a) a+are o, t+o thing)% One +a) $u)an crying in her room loud enough to hear her through the )creen% The other +a) do+n)tair)% )cu,,ling% Aurniture )cra-ing roughly acro)) the ,loor% &u,,led *oice)% 'runt)3 groan)% +hole rancid danger in the air% The )hit3 a) they )ay3 +a) hitting the ,an% !t1) amaGing to me no+ ho+ eager ! +a) to get do+n there% ! took the )tair) t+o at a time and turned the corner% ! kne+ +here they +ere% t the door+ay to the )helter Ruth )tood +atching% $he )miled and mo*ed a)ide to let me by% ($he tried to run a+ay3( )he )aid% (0ut Willie )to--ed her%( They +ere )to--ing her no+ all right3 all o, them3 Willie and Woo,er and Donny all together3 going at her like a tackle dummy again)t the concrete +all3 taking turn)3 )ma)hing into her )tomach% $he +a) already long -a)t arguing about it% ll you heard +a) the +hoo)h o, breath a) Donny hit her and dro*e her tightly ,olded arm) into her belly% Her mouth +a) )et3 grim% hard concentration in her eye)%
1 nd ,or a moment )he +a) +a ) the heroine again% 0attling the odd)% o dd)% 0ut /u)t ,or a moment% 0ecau)e )uddenly it +a) clear to me again that all )he could do +a) take it3 -o+erle))% nd lo)e% ! nd ! remember thinking at lea)t it1) not me%
45
!, ! +anted to ! could e*en /oin them% ,l /ob Aor that moment3 thinking that3 ! had -o+er% !1*e a)ked my)el, )ince3 +hen did it ha--enI +hen +a) !3 ye)3 corru-tedI and ! keecoming back to exactly thi) moment3 the)e thought)% That )en)e o, -o+er3 !t didn1t occur to me to con)ider that thi) +a) only a -o+er granted to me by Ruth3 and -erha-) only tem-orary% t the time it +a) uite real enough% ) ! +atched3 the di)tance bet+een &eg and me )eemed )uddenly huge3 in)urmountable% !t +a) not that my )ym-athie) to+ard her he r )to--ed% 0ut ,or the ,ir)t time ! )a+ her a) e))entially other than me% $he +a) *ulnerable% ! +a)n1t% &y -o)ition +a) ,a*ored here% Her) +a) a) lo+ a) it could be% Wa) thi) ine*itable3 maybeI ! remembered her a)king me3 +hy do they hate meI and ! didn1t belie*e it then3 ! didn1t ha*e any an)+er ,or her% Had ! mi))ed )omethingI Wa) there maybe )ome ,la+ in her ! hadn1t )een that -redetermined all o, thi)I Aor the ,ir)t time ! ,elt that maybe &eg1) )e-aration ,rom u) might be /u)ti,ied% ! +anted to ,eel it +a) /u)ti,ied% ! )ay that no+ in dee-e)t )hame%
0ecau)e it )eem) to me no+ that )o much o, thi) +a) )trictly -er)onal3 -art o, the nature o, the +orld a) ! )a+ it% !1*e tried to think that it +a) all the ,ault o, my -arent)1 +ar,are3 o, the cold blank calm ! de*elo-ed in the center o, their con)tant hurricane% 0ut ! don1t uite belie*e that anymore% ! doubt ! e*er did entirely% &y -arent) lo*ed me3 in many +ay) better than ! de)er*ed2 ho+e*er they ,elt about one another% nd ! kne+ that% Aor almo)t anyone that +ould ha*e been enough to eliminate any a--etite ,or thi) +hat)oe*er% No% The truth i) that it +a) me% That !1d been +aiting ,or thi)3 or )omething like thi)3 thi)3 to ha--en all along% !t +a) a) though )omething )tarkly elemental +ere at my back3 )+ee-ing through me3 relea)ing and becoming me3 )ome +ild black +ind o, my o+n making on that beauti,ul bright )unny day% nd ! a)k my)el,? Whom did ! hateI Whom and +hat did ! ,earI !n the ba)ement3 +ith Ruth3 ! began to learn that anger3 hate3 ,ear and loneline)) are all one button a+aiting the touch o, /u)t a )ingle ,inger to )et them blaGing to+ard de)truction% nd ! learned that they can ta)te like +inning% ! +atched Willie )te- back% Aor once he didn1t look clum)y% Hi) )houlder caught her )uarely in the )tomach3 li,ted her o,, her h er ,eet% ! )u--o)e her only ho-e +a) that one o, them +ould mi)) and )ma)h hi) head again)t the +all% 0ut nobody +a) going to% $he +a) tiring%
49
There +a) no+here to maneu*er3 no +here to go% Nothing to do but take it till )he ,ell% nd that +ould be )oon no+% Woo,er got a running )tart% $he had to bend her knee) in order not to take it in the groin% (7ry3 goddammit( Willie yelled% "ike the other) he +a) breathing hard% He turned to me% ($he +on1t cry3( he )aid% ($he don1t care3( )aid Woo,er% ($he1ll cry3( )aid Willie% (!1ll make her%( (Too much -ride3( )aid Ruth behind me% (Pride goeth be,ore a ,all% ou ought to all remember that% Pride ,all)%( 1 Donny rammed at her% Aootball +a) hi) game% Her head )na--ed back again)t the cinder block% Her arm) ,ell o-en% The look in her eye) +a) glaGed no+%3 $he )lid a ,e+ inche) do+n the +all% Then )he )to--ed and held there% Ruth )ighed% (That1ll be enough ,or no+3 boy)3( )he )aid% (ou1re not going to get her to cry% Not thi) time%( $he held out her arm3 beckoning% (7ome on%( ou could )ee they +eren1t done yet% 0ut Ruth )ounded bored and ,inal% Then Willie muttered )omething about )tu-id +hore)3 and one by one they ,iled -a)t u)% ! +a) la)t to lea*e% !t +a) hard to take my eye) a+ay% That thi) could ha--en% ! +atched her )lide do+n the +all to )uat on the cold concrete ,loor%
4=
!1m not )ure )he +a) e*er a+are o, me% ("et1) go3( )aid Ruth% $he clo)ed the metal door and bolted it )hut behind me% &eg +a) le,t in there in the dark% 0ehind the door to a meat locker% We +ent u-)tair) and -oured )ome 7oke)% Ruth got out cheddar chee)e and cracker)% We )at around the dining room table% ! could )till hear $u)an crying in the bedroom3 )o,ter no+% Then Willie got uand turned on the tele*i)ion and Truth or 7on)euence) came on and you couldn1t hear her anymore% We +atched ,or a +hile% Ruth had a +omen1) magaGine o-en in ,ront o, her on the table% $he +a) )moking a Tareyton3 ,li--ing through the magaGine3 drinking ,rom her 7oke bottle% $he came to a -hoto2a li-)tick ad2and )to--ed% (! don1t )ee it3( )he )aid% (The +oman1) ordinary% ou )ee itI( $he held u- the magaGine% Willie looked and )hrugged and bit into a cracker% 0ut ! thought the +oman +a) -retty% bout Ruth1) age3 maybe a little younger3 but -retty% Ruth )hook her head% (! )ee her e*ery+here ! look3( )he )aid3 (! )+ear it% E*ery+here% Name1) $uGy Parker% 0ig model% nd ! /u)t don1t )ee it% redhead% &aybe that1) it% &en like the redhead)% 0ut hell3 &eg1) got red hair% nd &eg1) hair1) -rettier than that3 doncha thinkI(
! looked at the -icture again% ! agreed +ith her% (! /u)t don1t )ee it3( )he )aid3 ,ro+ning% (&eg1) de,initely -rettier than that% +hole lot -rettier%( ($ure )he i)3( )aid Donny% ! (World1) craGy3( )aid Ruth% (!t /u)t don1t make any )en)e to me at all%(
4>
$he cut a )lice o, chee)e and -laced it on a cracker%
Talk your mom to let you )lee- o*er at my hou)e tonight3( )aid Donny% (There1) 0 )omething ! +ant to talk to you about%( We +ere )tanding at the bridge on &a-le )kimming )tone) do+n into the +ater% The brook +a) clear and )luggi)h% (What1) +rong +ith talking no+I( (Nothing%( 0ut he didn1t )ay +hat +a) on hi) mind% ! don1t kno+ +hy ! re)i)ted the idea o, )lee-ing o*er% &aybe it +a) kno+ing !1d get more in*ol*ed +ith them )omeho+% Or maybe it +a) /u)t that ! kne+ +hat my mom +ould )ay2there +ere girl) at the 7handler)1 the)e day)3 and )taying o*er there +ould not )eem )o clear2cut to her anymore% $he )hould only kno+3 ! thought% (Willie +ant) to talk to you too3( )aid Donny% (Willie doe)I( (eah%( ! laughed% The notion o, Willie ha*ing )omething on hi) mind +orth actually )-eaking about% ! ctually it +a) intriguing% i (Well in that ca)e ! gue)) !1ll /u)t ha*e to3 then3 +on1t !3( ! )aid%
Donny laughed too3 and )kimmed a long one three )ki-) do+n acro)) the da--ling band) o, )unlight%
&y mother +a)n1t ha--y% (! don1t think )o3( )he )aid% (&om3 ! )lee- there all the time%(
4B
(Not lately you don1t%( (ou mean )ince &eg and $u)anI( (That1) right%( ("ook% !t1) no big deal% !t1) the )ame a) be,ore% The guy) get the bunk bed) and &eg and $u)an are in Ruth1) room%( (&r)% 7handler1) room%( (Right% &r)% 7handler1) room%( ($o +here i) &r)% 7handlerI( (On the couch% On the -ullout in the li*ing room% What1) the big dealI( (ou kno+ +hat1) the big deal%( (No3 ! don1t%( (e) you do%( o ! don1t%( (WhatI( )aid my ,ather3 +alking into the kitchen ,rom the li*ing room% (What big deal i) thatI( (He +ant) to )tay o*er there again3( )aid my mother% $he +a) )na--ing green bean) into a colander% (WhatI O*er thereI( (e)%(
($o let him%( He )at do+n at the kitchen table and o-ened u- hi) ne+)-a-er% (Robert3 there are t+o young girl) there no+%( ($oI( $he )ighed%
4<
(Plea)e3( )he )aid% (Plea)e don1t be den)e3 Robert%( (Den)e3 hell3( )aid my ,ather% ("et him% !) there any co,,eeI( (e)3( )he )aid% $he )ighed again and bru)hed her hand) o,, on her a-ron% ! got u- and got to the co,,ee-ot ahead o, her and turned on the ,lame beneath it% $he looked at me and then +ent back to the bean)% (Thank)3 dad3( ! )aid% ,m (! didn1t )ay you could go3( )aid my mother% ! )miled% (ou didn1t )ay ! couldn1t3 either%( $he looked at my ,ather and )hook her head% (Dammit3 Robert3( )he )aid% (Right3( )aid my ,ather% nd then he read hi) -a-er% H
He told her about The 'ame3( )aid Donny% (WhoI( (Ruth% &y mom% Who el)e3 )hit2,or brain) Donny +a) alone in the kitchen +hen ! came in3 making a -eanut butter )and+ich that ! gue)) +a) dinner that night% There +ere )mear) o, -eanut butter and gra-e /elly and bread crumb) on the counter% Ju)t ,or ,un ! counted the )et) o, )il*er+are in the dra+er% There +ere )till only ,i*e% (ou told herI( He nodded% (Woo,er did%( He took a bite o, the )and+ich and )at do+n at the dining2room table% ! )at acro)) ,rom him% There +a) a hal ,inch cigarette burn in the +ood ! hadn1t )een be,ore%
4;
(Je)u)% What1d )he )ayI( (Nothing !t +a) +eird% !t +a) like )he kne+3 you kno+I( (Kne+I Kne+ +hatI( (E*erything% "ike it +a) no )+eat% "ike )he ,igured +e +ere doing it all along% "ike e*ery kid did%( (ou1re kidding%( (No% ! )+ear%( (0ull)hit%(
(!1m telling you% ll )he +anted to kno+ +a) +ho +a) +ith u) )o ! told her%( (ou told herI &eI EddieI E*erybody( ("ike ! )aid )he didn1t care% Hey% Would you -lea)e not blo+ your cool on thi)3 Da*yI !t didn1t bother her%( (! (Deni)eI ou told her about Deni)e tooI( (eah% E*erything%( l (ou )aid )he +a) nakedI( ( ! couldn1t belie*e it% !1d al+ay) thought that Willie +a) the )tu-id one% ! +atched him eat the )and+ich% He )miled at me and )hook hi) head% (!1m telling you% ou don1t ha*e to +orry about it3( he )aid% (Donny%( (Really%( (Donny%( (e)3 Da*y%( (re you nut)1( (No3 Da*y%( (Do you realiGe ,or a goddamn )econd +hat +ould ha--en to me i,%% % (
4@
(Nothing1) going to ha--en to you3 ,or 'od1) )ake% Will you )to- being )uch a ,riggin1 ueer about itI !t1) my mom3 ,or 'od1) )ake% RememberI( (Oh that make) me ,eel /u)t ,ine% our mom kno+) +e tie naked little girl) to tree)% 'reat%( He )ighed% (Da*id3 i, !1d kno+n you +ere gonna be )uch an amaGing retard about it ! +ouldn1t o, told you%( (A+ the retard3 rightI(
(eah%( He +a) -i))ed no+% He -o--ed the la)t gooey corner o, the )and+ich into hi) mouth% He )tood u-% ("ook3 /erk% What do you think i) going on in the )helter right no+I Right thi) minuteI( ! /u)t looked at him% Ho+ did ! kno+I Who caredI Then it da+ned on me% &eg +a) there% (No3( ! )aid% (e)3( he )aid% He +ent to the re,rigerator ,or a 7oke% (0ull)hit%( He laughed% (Will you )to- )aying bull)hitI "ook3 don1t belie*e me% 'o take a look% Hell3 ! /u)t came u- ,or a )and+ich%( ! ran do+n)tair)% ! could hear him laughing behind me% !t +a) getting dark out)ide )o the ba)ement light) +ere on3 naked bulb) o*er the +a)her dryer and under the )tair) and o*er the )um- -um- in the corner% Willie +a) )tanding behind Ruth at the door to the )helter% They both had ,la)hlight) in their hand)% Ruth lit her) and +a*ed it at me once like a co- at a roadblock% (Here1) Da*y3( )he )aid% Willie ga*e me a glance% Who gi*e) a )hit%
4:
&y mouth +a) o-en% !t ,elt dry% ! licked my li-)% ! nodded to Ruth and looked around the corner through the door+ay% nd it +a) hard to com-rehend at ,ir)t229 gue)) becau)e maybe it +a) out o, context3 and -robably becau)e it +a) &eg3 and de,initely becau)e Ruth +a) there% !t ,elt dreamlike2or like )ome game you -lay on Hallo+een +hen e*eryone i) in co)tume and nobody1) uite recogniGable them)el*e) e*en though you kno+ +ho they are% Then Donny came do+n)tair) and )la--ed hi) hand do+n on my )houlder% He o,,ered me the 7oke% J ($eeI( he )aid% (! told you%( ! did )ee% They1d taken ten2-enny nail) and dri*en them into the beam) Willie $r% had lain along the ceiling2t+o nail)3 about three ,eet a-art% J They1d They 1d cut t+o length) o, clothe)line and tied &eg1) +ri)t) and loo-ed a line o*er each o, the nail) and then run the line) do+n to the leg) o, the hea*y +orktable3 tying them o,, do+n there rather than u- at the nail )o that they could be ad/u)ted3 tightened3 /u)t by untying each one and -ulling it around the looand then tying it tighter again% aga in% &eg +a) )tanding on a )mall -ile o, book)2three thick red *olume) o, the World 0ook Encyclo-edia% $he +a) gagged and blind,olded% Her ,eet +ere bare% Her )hort) and )hort2)lee*e blou)e +ere dirty% !n the )-ace bet+een the t+o3 )tretched out a) )he +a)3 you could )ee her na*el% &eg +a) an inny% Woo,er -aced around in ,ront o, her running the beam o, hi) ,la)hlight u- and do+n her body% There +a) a brui)e /u)t under the blind,old on her le,t cheek% $u)an )at on a carton o, canned *egetable)3 +atching% blue )trand o, ribbon made a bo+ in her hair% O,, in the corner ! could )ee a -ile o, blanket) and an air mattre))% ! realiGed &eg had been )lee-ing there% ! +ondered ,ar ho+ long% (We1re all here3( )aid Ruth% dim amber light bled in ,rom the re)t o, the ba)ement but mo)tly it +a) /u)t Woo,er1) beam in there and the )hado+) mo*ed erratically along +ith him +hen he mo*ed3 making thing) look )trange and ,luid and gho)tly% The +ire me)h o*er the )ingle high +indo+ )eemed to )hi,t back and ,orth by )ubtle inche)% The t+o ,our2by2,our +ooden -o)t) )u--orting the ceiling )lid acro)) the room at odd angle)% The ax3 -ick3 cro+bar and
44
)ho*el )tacked in the corner o--o)ite &eg1) bed a--eared to )+itch -o)ition) +ith one another3 looming and )hrinking a) you +atched3 )ha-e )hi,ting The ,allen ,ire extingui)her cra+led acro)) the ,loor% 0ut it +a) &eg1) o+n )hado+ that dominated the room2head back3 arm) +ide a-art3 )+aying% !t +a) an image )traight out o, all our horror comic)3 out o, The 0lack 7at +ith "ugo)i and Karlo,,3 out o, Aamou) A amou) &on)ter) o, Ailmland3 out o, e*ery chea- t+enty2,i*e2cent -a-erback hi)torical thriller about the !nui)ition e*er +ritten% &o)t o, +hich ! ,igured +e1d collected% !t +a) ea)y to imagine torchlight3 )trange in)trument) and -roce))ion)3 braGier) ,ull o, hot coal)% ! )hi*ered% Not at the chill but at the -otential% (The 'ame i) )he1) got to tell3( )aid Woo,er% (Okay% Tell +hatI( Ruth a)ked% (Tell anything% $omething )ecret%( Ruth nodded3 )miling% ($ound) right% Only ho+1) )he a going to do that +ith the gag onI( (ou don1t +ant her to tell right a+ay3 &om3( )aid Willie% (ny+ay3 you al+ay) kno+ +hen they1re ready%( (ou )ureI ou +ant to tell3 &eggyI( )aid Ruth% (ou readyI( ill ($he1) not ready3( in)i)ted Woo,er% 0ut he needn1t ha*e bothered% &eg didn1t make a )ound% ($o no+ +hatI( Ruth a)ked% Willie -u)hed o,, ,rom the door/amb +here he +a) leaning and ambled into the room% (No+ +e take a book a+ay3( he )aid%%m & He bent o*er3 -ulled out the middle one and )te--ed back% The ro-e) +ere tighter no+% Willie and Woo,er both had h ad their ,la)hlight) on% Ruth1) +a) )till at her )ide3 unlit% 9 ! could )ee )ome red around &eg1) &eg 1) +ri)t) ,rom the -ull o, the ro-e)% Her back arched )lightly% The )hort2)lee*e )hirt rode u-% $he +a) only /u)t able to )tand +ith her ,eet do+n ,lat on the t+o remaining book) and ! could already )ee the )train in her cal*e) and thigh)% $he +ent u- on her toe) ,or a moment to take the -re))ure o,, her +ri)t) and then )ank do+n again%%(3( Willie )+itched o,, hi) ,la)hlight% ,la)hlight% !t +a) )-ookier that +ay%% &eg /u)t hung there3 )+aying )lightly% 4 (7on,e))3( )aid Woo,er% Then he laughed%
955
(No% Don1t%( he )aid% (Do another book3( )aid Donny% ! glanced at $u)an to )ee ho+ )he +a) taking thi)% $he +a) )itting +ith her hand) ,olded in the la- o, her dre)) and her ,ace looked *ery )eriou) and )he +a) )taring intently at &eg but there +a) no +ay to read +hat )he +a) thinking or ,eeling at all% Willie bent do+n and -ulled out the book% $he +a) u- on the ball) o, her ,eet no+% $till )he made no )ound% The mu)cle) o, her leg) de,ined them)el*e) )har-ly again)t her )kin% ("et1) )ee ho+ long )he can go like that3( )aid Donny% (!t1) gonna hurt a,ter a +hile%( (Nah3( )aid Woo,er% (!t1) )till too ea)y% "et1) do the la)t one% 'et 1er u- on her ti-toe)%( (! +ant to +atch her a +hile% $ee +hat ha--en)%( 0ut the ,act +a) that nothing +a) ha--ening% &eg )eemed determined to tough thi) out% nd )he +a) )trong% (Don1t you +ant to gi*e her a chance to con,e))I !)n1t that the ideaI( a)ked Ruth% (Nah3( )aid Woo,er% ($till too )oon% 71mon% Thi) i) no good% Take the other book3 Will%( Willie did% nd then &eg did make )ome kind o, )ound behind the gag3 /u)t once3 a )ort o, tiny exhaled groan a) all at once /u)t breathing became harder% Her blou)e -ulled u- to right beneath her brea)t) and ! could )ee her belly ri)e and ,all in an irregular labored rhythm again)t her rib cage% Her head ,ell back ,or a moment and then came ,or+ard again% Her balance +a) -recariou)% $he began to )+ay% Her ,ace ,lu)hed% Her mu)cle) )trained +ith ten)ion% We +atched3 )ilent%
959
$he +a) beauti,ul% The *ocal )ound) that accom-anied her breathing +ere coming more ,reuently no+ a) the )train increa)ed% $he couldn1t hel- it% Her leg) began to tremble% Air)t the cal*e) and then the thigh)% thin )heen o, )+eat ,ormed o*er her rib)3 gli)tened on her thigh)% (We )hould )tri- her3( Donny )aid% The +ord) /u)t hung there ,or a moment3 )u)-ended a) &eg +a) )u)-ended3 ti--ing a balance that +a) e*ery bit a) -recariou)% $uddenly it +a) me +ho ,elt diGGy% (eah3( )aid Woo,er% &eg had heard% $he )hook her head% There +a) indignation3 anger and ,ear there% $ound) came ,rom behind the gag% No% No% No% ($hut u-3( )aid Willie% $he )tarted trying to /um-3 -ulling on the ro-e)3 trying to thro+ them o,, the nail)3 )uirming% 0ut all )he +a) doing +a) hurting her)el,3 cha,ing her +ri)t)% $he didn1t )eem to care% $he +a)n1t going to let it ha--en% $he ke-t trying%%%3 No% No% and Willie +alked o*er and thum-ed her on the head +ith the book% $he )lum-ed back3 )tunned% ! looked at $u)an% Her hand) +ere )till cla)-ed together in her la- but the knuckle) +ere +hite no+% $he looked directly at her )i)ter3 not at u)% Her teeth +ere biting hard and )teadily at her lo+er li-% ! couldn1t +atch her% ! cleared my throat and ,ound )omething like a *oice% (Hey3 uh %% % guy) %% % li)ten3 ! don1t really think %%%( Woo,er +hirled on me% (We1*e got -ermi))ion1( he )creamed% (We do ! )ay +e take o,, her clothe) ! )ay )tri- her( We looked at Ruth% $he )tood leaning in the door+ay3 her arm) ,olded clo)e into her belly% There +a) )omething keyed tight about her3 like )he +a) angry or doing )ome hard thinking% Her li-) -re))ed together in a characteri)tic )traight thin line%
95=
Her eye) ne*er le,t &eg1) body% Then ,inally )he )hrugged% (That1) The 'ame3 i)n1t itI( )he )aid% 7om-ared +ith the re)t o, the hou)e and e*en the ba)ement it +a) cool do+n there but no+3 )uddenly3 it didn1t ,eel cool% co ol% !n)tead there +a) a gro+ing ,ilmy clo)ene)) in the room3 a )en)e o, ,illing u-3 a thickening3 a )lo+ electric heat that )eemed to ri)e ,rom each o, u) ,illing and charging cha rging the air3 )urrounding u)3 i)olating u)3 yet )omeho+ mingling u) all together too% ou could )ee it in the +ay Willie )tood leaning ,or+ard3 the World 0ook clutched in hi) hand% !n the +ay Woo,er edged clo)er3 the beam o, hi) ,la)hlight le)) erratic no+3 lingering3 care))ing &eg1) ,ace3 her leg)3 her )tomach% ! could ,eel it ,rom Donny and Ruth be)ide me3 )ee-ing in and o*er and through me like )ome )+eet -oi)on3 a uiet kno+ledge )hared%
We +ere going to do thi)% We +ere going to do thi) thing% Ruth lit a cigarette and thre+ the match on the ,loor% ('o ahead3( )he )aid% Her )moke curled into the )helter% (Who get) to do itI( )aid Woo,er% (! do3( )aid Donny% He )te--ed -a)t me% 0oth 0o th Woo,er and Willie had their ,la)hlight) on her no+% ! could )ee Donny dig into hi) -ocket and bring out the -ocketkni,e he al+ay) carried there% He turned to Ruth% (ou care about the clothe)3 &aI( he a)ked% $he looked at him% (! +on1t ha*e to do the )hort) or anything3( he )aid% (0ut%%%( He +a) right% The only +ay he +a) going to get g et the blou)e o,, her +a) to ri- or cut it o,,% (No3( )aid Ruth% (! don1t care%( / ("et1) )ee +hat )he1) got3( )aid Willie% Woo,er laughed% ! Donny a--roached her3 ,olding out the blade% (Don1t )tart anything3( he )aid%
95>
(! +on1t hurt you% 0ut i, you )tart )omething +e1ll /u)t ha*e to hit you again% ou kno+I !t1) )tu-id%( He unbuttoned the blou)e care,ully3 -ulling it a+ay ,rom her body a) though )hy o, touching her% Hi) ,ace +a) red% Hi) ,inger) +ere a+k+ard% He +a) trembling% $he )tarted to )truggle but then ! gue)) thought better o, it% 8nbuttoned3 the blou)e hung )ha-ele)) o*er her% ! could )ee )he +ore a +hite cotton bra underneath% Aor )ome rea)on that )ur-ri)ed me% Ruth ne*er +ore a bra% ! gue)) !1d a))umed &eg +ouldn1t either% Donny reached o*er +ith the -enkni,e and cut through the le,t )lee*e u- to the neckline% He had to )a+ through the )eam% 0ut he1d ke-t the blade )har-% The blou)e ,ell a+ay behind her% &eg began to cry% He +alked o*er to the other )ide and cut through the right )lee*e the )ame +ay% Then he /erked the )eam a-art3 a uick tearing )ound% Then he )te--ed back% ($hort)3( )aid Willie% ou could hear her crying )o,tly and trying to )ay )omething behind the gag% No% Plea)e% (Don1t kick3( )aid Donny% The )hort) Gi--ed hal,+ay do+n the )ide% He unGi--ed them and tugged them do+n o*er her hi-)3 ad/u)ting the thin +hite -antie) u-+ard a) he did )o3 then )lid the )hort) do+n o*er her leg) to the ,loor% The leg mu)cle) /erked and trembled% He )te--ed a+ay ,rom her again and looked at her% We all did% We1d )een &eg +earing /u)t a) little ! )u--o)e% $he had a t+o2-iece bathing )uit% E*erybody did that year% E*en little kid)% nd +e1d )een her +earing that% 0ut thi) +a) di,,erent% bra and -antie) +ere -ri*ate and only other girl) +ere )u--o)ed to )ee them and the only other girl) in the room +ere Ruth and $u)an% nd Ruth +a) allo+ing thi)% Encouraging it% The thought +a) too large to con)ider ,or long% 0e)ide)3 here +a) &eg right in ,ront o, u)% !n ,ront o, our *ery eye)% The )en)e) o*er+helmed all thought3 all a con)ideration% (ou con,e)) yet3 &eggyI( Ruth1) *oice +a) )o,t%
95B
$he )hook her head ye)% n enthu)ia)tic ye)% (No )he don1t3( )aid Willie% (No +ay%( )heen o, grea)y )+eat rolled o,, hi) ,latto- do+n acro)) hi) ,orehead% He +i-ed it o,,% We all +ere )+eating no+% &eg mo)t o, all% Dro-let) gli)tened in her arm-it)3 in her na*el3 acro)) her belly% (Do the re)t3( )aid Willie% (Then maybe +e1ll let her con,e))%( Woo,er giggled% (Right a,ter +e let her do the hoochykoo3( he )aid% Donny )te--ed ,or+ard% He cut the right )tra- o, her bra and then the le,t% &eg1) brea)t) )lid u-+ard )lightly3 )training ,ree o, the cu-)% He could ha*e un)na--ed it ,rom the back then but in)tead he +alked around in ,ront o, her. He )lid the blade beneath the thin +hite band bet+een the cu-) and )tarted )a+ing% &eg +a) )obbing3 !t mu)t ha*e hurt to cry like that becau)e e*ery time her body mo*ed the ro-e) +ere there3 -ulling at her% ,l The kni,e +a) )har- but bu t it took a little +hile% Then there +a) a tiny -o- and the bra ,ell a+ay% Her brea)t) +ere bare%
They +ere +hiter than the re)t o, her3 -ale and -er,ect and lo*ely% They )huddered +ith her crying% The ni--le) +ere -inki)h bro+n and2to me2)tartlingly long3 almo)t ,lat at the ti-)% Tiny -lateau) o, ,le)h% ,orm !1d ne*er ne* er )een be,ore and +anted in)tantly to touch% !1d )te--ed ,arther into the room% Ruth +a) com-letely behind me no+% ! could hear my)el, breathing% Donny knelt in ,ront o, her and reached u-% Aor a moment it looked like adoration3 like +or)hi-% Then hi) ,inger) hooked into the -antie) and dre+ them do+n o*er her hi-)3 do+n her leg)% He took hi) time% Then that +a) another )hock% &eg1) hair%
95<
)mall tu,t o, -ale blond2orange do+n in +hich dro-let) o, )+eat gleamed% ! )a+ tiny ,reckle) on her u--er thigh)% ! )a+ the )mall ,old o, ,le)h hal, hidden bet+een her leg)% ! )tudied her% Her brea)t)% Ho+ +ould they ,eel to touchI Her ,le)h +a) unimaginable to me% The hair bet+een her leg)% ! kne+ it +ould be )o,t% $o,ter than mine% ! +anted to touch her% Her body +ould be hot% !t trembled uncontrollably% Her belly3 her thigh)3 her )trong -ale +hite a))% The )te+ o, )ex ri-ened3 thickened in me% The room reeked o, )ex% ! ,elt a hard +eight bet+een my leg)% ! mo*ed ,or+ard3 ,a)cinated% ! )te--ed -a)t $u)an% ! )a+ Woo,er1) ,ace3 -ale and bloodle)) a) he +atched% ! )a+ Willie1) eye) ri*eted to that tu,t o, do+n% J &eg had )to--ed crying no+% / ! turned to glance at Ruth% nd )he1d mo*ed ,or+ard too3 +a) )tanding in)ide the door+ay no+% ! )a+ her le,t hand mo*e again)t her right brea)t3 the ,inger) gently clo)ing3 and then ,all a+ay% Donny knelt beneath her3 looking u-% (7on,e))3 (he )aid% Her body began to )-a)m% ! could )mell her )+eat% $he nodded% $he had to nod% !t +a) )urrender% ('et the ro-e)3( he )aid to Willie% Willie +ent to the table and untied the ro-e)3 let out )ome )lack until her ,eet came do+n ,lat on the bare cement ,loor3 then tied them o,, again% Her head ,ell ,or+ard +ith relie,% J Donny )tood u- and remo*ed the gag% ! realiGed it +a) Ruth1) yello+ kerchie,% Then )he o-ened her mouth and he -ulled out the rag they1d +added u- and )tu,,ed in there% He thre+ the rag on the ,loor and -ut the kerchie, in the back -ocket o, hi) /ean)% corner hung out )lightly% Aor a moment he looked like a ,armer% (7ould you%% % I &y arm) %%%( )he )aid% (&y )houlder) %% % they hurt%(
95;
(No3( )aid Donny% (That1) it% That1) all you get%( (7on,e))3( )aid Woo,er% (Tell u) ho+ you -lay - lay +ith your)el,3( )aid Willie% (! bet you -ut your ,inger in3 donchaI( (No% Tell u) about the )y-h%( Woo,er laughed% (eah3 the cla-3( )aid Willie3 grinning% (7ry3( )aid Woo,er% (! already did cry3( )aid &eg% nd you could )ee )he1d got a little bit o, the old tough de,iance back no+ that )he +a)n1t hurting uite )o much anymore% Woo,er /u)t )hrugged% ($o cry again3( he )aid% &eg )aid nothing% ! noticed that her ni--le) had gone )o,ter no+3 a )mooth )ilky2looking )hiny -ink% 'od $he +a) beauti,ul% !t +a) a) though )he read my mind% (!) Da*id hereI( )he )aid% Willie and Donny looked at me% ! couldn1t an)+er% (He1) here3( )aid Willie% (Da*id%%%( )he )aid% 0ut then ! gue)) )he couldn1t ,ini)h% $he didn1t need to3 though% ! kne+ by the +ay )he )aid it% $he didn1t +ant me there% ! kne+ +hy too% nd kno+ing +hy )hamed me /u)t a) )he1d )hamed me be,ore% 0ut ! couldn1t lea*e% The other) +ere there% 0e)ide)3 ! didn1t +ant to% ! +anted to )ee% ! needed to )ee% $hame looked )uare in the ,ace o, de)ire and looked a+ay again% (nd $u)anI( (eah% Her too3( )aid Donny%
95@
(Oh 'od%( ($cre+ that3( )aid Woo,er% (Who care) about $u)anI Where1) the con,e))ionI( nd no+ &eg )ounded +eary and adult% (7on,e))ion1) )tu-id3( )he )aid% (There1) no con,e))ion%( !t )to--ed u)% H (We could cou ld haul you right on uu - again3( )aid Willie% (! kno+ that%( (We could +hi- you3( )aid Woo,er% &eg )hook her head% (Plea)e% Ju)t lea*e me alone% "ea*e me be% There1) no con,e))ion%( nd the thing +a) that nobody really ex-ected that% Aor a moment +e all /u)t )tood around +aiting ,or )omebody to )ay )omething3 )omething that +ould con*ince her to -lay The 'ame the +ay it +a) )u--o)ed to be -layed% Or ,orce her% Or maybe ,or Willie to haul her back again like he1d )aid% nything that +ould kee- it going ,urther% 0ut in /u)t tho)e ,e+ moment) )omething +a) gone% To get it back +e1d ha*e to )tart all o*er again% ! think +e all kne+ it% The )+eet heady ,eeling o, danger had )uddenly )li--ed a+ay% !t had gone a) )oon a) )he )tarted talking3 i That +a) the key% / Talking3 it +a) &eg again% Not )ome beauti,ul naked *ictim3 but &eg% -er)on +ith a mind3 a *oice to ex-re)) her mind3 and maybe e*en right) o, her o+n% + Taking the gag o,, +a) a mi)take3 !t le,t u) ,eeling )ullen and angry and ,ru)trated% $o +e )tood there% !t +a) Ruth +ho broke the )ilence3 i (We could do that3( )he )aid%% (Do +hatI( a)ked Willie% a (Do +hat )he )ay)% "ea*e her alone% "et her think about it a+hile% That )eem) ,ine to me%( We thought about it% (eah3( )aid Woo,er% ("ea*e her alone% !n the dark%
95:
Ju)t hanging there%( !t +a) one +ay3 ! thought3 to )tart o*er% Willie )hrugged% Donny looked at &eg% ! could )ee he didn1t +ant to lea*e% He looked at her hard% He rai)ed hi) hand% $lo+ly3 he)itantly3 he mo*ed it to+ard her brea)t)% nd )uddenly it +a) like ! +a) +a ) -art o, him% ! could ,eel my o+n hand there3 the ,inger) nearly touching her% ! could almo)t ,eel the )lick moi)t heat o, her )kin% (8nh2unh3( )aid Ruth% (No%( Donny looked at her% Then he )to--ed% Ju)t inche) ,rom her brea)t% ! took a breath% (Don1t you touch that girl3( )aid Ruth% (! don1t +ant any o, you touching her%( He dro--ed hi) hand% ('irl like her3( )aid Ruth3 (i)n1t e*en clean% ou kee- your hand) o,, her% ou hearI( We heard% (eah3 &a3( Donny )aid% $he turned to go% $he )tom-ed out her cigarette butt on the ,loor and +a*ed to u)% (71mon3( )he )aid% (0ut ,ir)t you better gag her again%( ! looked at Donny3 +ho +a) looking at the rag on the ,loor% (!t1) dirty3( he )aid%
(Not that dirty3( )aid Ruth%
954
(! don1t +ant her )creaming at u) all night% Put it in%( Then )he turned to &eg% (ou +ant to think about one thing3 girl3( )he )aid% (Well3 t+o thing) exactly% Air)t that it could be your little )i)ter and not you hanging there% nd )econd that Q kno+ )ome o, the thing) you1*e done +rong% nd !1m intere)ted to hear them% $o maybe thi) con,e))ing i)n1t )uch a kid1) game a,ter all% ! can hear it ,rom the one o, you or ! can hear it ,rom the other% ou think about that3( )he )aid3 and turned and +alked a+ay% We li)tened to her climb the )tair)% Donny gagged her% He could ha*e touched her then but he didn1t% !t +a) like Ruth +a) )till in the room3 +atching% -re)ence that +a) a +hole lot more than the lingering )mell o, her )moke in the air yet /u)t a) in)ub)tantial% "ike Ruth +a) a gho)t +ho haunted u)3 her )on) and me% Who1d haunt u) ,ore*er i, +e -u)hed or di)obeyed her% / nd ! think ! realiGed then the )har- raGor edge )he1d honed to her -ermi))ion% The )ho+ +a) Ruth1) and Ruth1) only% The 'ame +a) nonexi)tent% nd by that reckoning it +a) not /u)t &eg but all o, u) )tri--ed and naked3 hanging there% "ying in bed3 +e +ere haunted by &eg% We couldn1t )lee-% Time +ould -a)) in total )ilence in the +arm dark and then )omebody1d )ay )omething3 ho+ )he looked +hen Willie took the la)t book a+ay3 +hat it mu)t ,eel like to )tand there )o long +ith your hand) tied o*er your head3 head 3 +hether it hurt3 +hat it +a) like to ,inally )ee a girl1) naked body3 and +e1d talk about that a +hile until moment) later +e got uiet again a) each o, u) +ra--ed him)el, u- in hi) o+n little cocoon o, thought and dream)% 0ut there +a) only one ob/ect to the)e dream)% &eg% &eg a) +e1d le,t her% nd ,inally +e had to )ee her again% Donny1d no )ooner )ugge)ted it than +e )a+ the ri)k) in*ol*ed% Ruth had told u) to lea*e her alone% The hou)e +a) )mall and )ound) carried3 and Ruth )le-t one thin door a+ay3 in $u)an1) room2+a) $u)an lying a+ake like u)I thinking o, her )i)terI2directly abo*e the )helter% !, Ruth a+oke and caught u) the unthinkable might ha--en2)he might exclude u) all in the ,uture%
995
We already kne+ there1d be a ,uture% 0ut the image) +e remembered +ere too )trong% !t +a) almo)t a) though +e needed con,irmation to belie*e +e1d really been there% &eg1) nudity and acce))ibility +ere like a )iren1) )ong% They ab)olutely beckoned% We had to ri)k it% The night +a) moonle))3 black% Donny and ! climbed o,, the to- bunk)% Willie and Woo,er )lid out beneath% Ruth1) door +a) clo)ed% We ti-toed -a)t% Aor once Woo,er re)i)ted the urge to giggle3 Willie li,ted one o, the ,la)hlight) o,, the kitchen table and Donny ea)ed o-en the cellar door% The )tair) )ueaked% There +a) nothing to do about it exce-t -ray and ho-e ,or luck% The )helter door )ueaked too but not )o badly% We o-ened it and +ent in)ide3 )tanding bare,oot on the cold concrete ,loor the )ame a) )he +a)2and there +a) &eg3 a exactly a) +e remembered a) though no time at all had -a))ed3 exactly a) +e1d -ictured her% Well3 not uite% Her hand) +ere +hite3 )-lotched +ith red and blue% nd e*en in the ,la)hlight1) thin une*en light you could )ee ho+ -ale her body +a)% $he +a) all goo)e,le)h3 ni--le) -uckered u- bro+n and tight% $he heard u) come in and made a )o,t +hiny )ound% (uiet3( +hi)-ered Donny% $he obeyed% We +atched her% !t +a) like )tanding in ,ront o, )ome )ort o, )hrine2or like +atching )ome )trange exotic animal in a Goo%
Po))ibly not% Po))ibly it +ould ha*e ha--ened any+ay% The ine*itable -uni)hment o, the out)ider% 0ut it )eem) to me more likely that it +a) -reci)ely becau)e )he +a) beauti,ul beau ti,ul and )trong3 and +e +ere not3 that Ruth and the re)t o, u) had done thi) to her% To make a )ort o, /udgment on that beauty3 on +hat it meant and didn1t mean to u)% (! bet )he1d like )ome +ater3( )aid Woo,er%
999
$he )hook her head% e)% Oh ye) -lea)e% (!, +e gi*e her +ater +e got to take o,, the gag3( g ag3( )aid Willie% ($o +hatI $he +on1t make noi)e%( He )te--ed ,or+ard% (ou +on1t make any noi)e3 +ill ya3 &egI We can1t +ake &om%( No% $he )hook her head ,irmly )ide to )ide% ou could tell )he +anted that +ater a lot% (ou tru)t herI( Willie )aid% Donny )hrugged% (!, )he make) any noi)e then )he get) in trouble too% $he1) not no t )tu-id% $o gi*e it to her% Why notI( (!1ll get it3( )aid Woo,er% There +a) a )ink be)ide the +a)her dryer Woo,er turned it on and +e could hear it lightly running behind u)% He +a) being unu)ually uiet about it% 8nu)ually nice3 too3 ,or Woo,er% Willie untied the gag /u)t a) he1d done earlier and -ulled the dirty +ad o, rag out o, her mouth% $he moaned and began to +ork her /a+ )ide to )ide% Woo,er came back +ith an old gla)) ,ruit /ar ,ull o, +ater% (! ,ound it by the -aint can)3( he )aid% (!t don1t )mell too bad%( !! Donny took it ,rom him and tilted it to &eg1) li-)% $he drank hungrily3 making )mall glad noi)e) in her he r throat e*ery time )he )+allo+ed% $he drained the /ar in no time% (Oh 'od3( )he )aid% (Oh 'od% Thank you%( nd it +a) a +eird ,eeling% "ike e*erything +a) !,orgi*en% "ike )he +a) really grate,ul to u)% !t +a) amaGing in a +ay% That /u)t one /ar o, +ater could do that%% ! thought again ho+ hel-le)) )he +a)% a (a ill nd ! +ondered i, the other) +ere ,eeling +hat ! +a) ,eeling2thi) o*er+helming3 almo)t diGGying need to touch her% To -ut my hand) on her% To )ee exactly +hat )he ,elt like% 0rea)t)3 buttock)3 thigh)% That blond2 red curly tu,t bet+een her leg)% Exactly +hat +e +eren1t )u--o)ed to do%
99=
!t made me ,eel like ,ainting% The -u)h and -ull% !t +a) that )trong% (Want )ome moreI( )aid Woo,er% (7ould !I Plea)eI( He ran out to the )ink and then back again +ith another /ar,ul% He ga*e it to Donny and )he drank that too% (Thank)% Thank you%( $he licked her li-)% They +ere cha--ed3 dry3 )-lit in -lace)% (Do you %%% do you think you could%%%I The ro-e)%%% they hurt me a lot%( nd you could )ee they did% E*en though her ,eet +ere ,lat on the ,loor )he +a) )till )tretched tight% Willie looked at Donny% Then they both looked back at me% ! ,elt con,u)ed ,or a moment% Why )hould they care +hat ! thoughtI !t +a) like there +a) )omething they +ere looking ,or ,rom me and they +eren1t )ure that they1d ,ind it% ny+ay3 ! nodded% (! gue)) +e could3( )aid Donny% ( little% On one condition though%( (nything% WhatI( (ou ha*e to -romi)e not to ,ight%( (AightI( (ou ha*e to -romi)e not to make any noi)e or anything and you ha*e to -romi)e not to ,ight and not to tell anybody later on% Tell anybody anytime%( (Tell +hatI( (That +e touched you%( nd there it +a)%
99>
!t +a) +hat +e1d all been dreaming about in that bedroom u-)tair)% ! )houldn1t ha*e been )ur-ri)ed% 0ut ! +a)% ! could hardly breathe% ! ,elt like e*erybody in the room could hear my heartbeat% (Touched meI( )aid &eg% Donny blu)hed dee-ly% (ou kno+%(
(Oh my 'od3( )he )aid% $he )hook her head% (Oh Je)u)% 7ome on%( $he )ighed% Then thought ,or a moment% (No3( )he )aid% (We +ouldn1t hurt you or anything3( )aid Donny% (Ju)t touch%( (No%( "ike )he1d +eighed and con)idered it and )im-ly couldn1t )ee her +ay clear to do that no matter +hat ha--ened and that +a) her ,inal )ay on the matter% (Hone)t% We +ouldn1t%( (No% ou1re not doing that to me% ny o, you%( $he +a) mad no+% 0ut )o +a) Donny% (We could do it to you any+ay3 /erk2o,,% Who1) gonna )to- u)I( (! am%( (Ho+I( (Well you1ll only do it to me once goddamn you3 and only one o, you% 0ecau)e ! +on1t /u)t tell% !1ll )cream%(
99B
nd there +a)n1t any ue)tion ue)tion but that )he meant it% $he1d )cream% $he didn1t care% $he had u)% (Okay3( )aid Donny% (Aine% Then +e lea*e the ro-e) the +ay they are% We -ut the gag back on and that1) that%( ou could )ee )he +a) clo)e to tear)% 0ut )he +a)n1t gi*ing in to him% Not on thi)% Her *oice +a) bitter% (ll right3( )he )aid% ('ag me% Do it% "ea*e% 'et out o, here( (We +ill%(
He nodded to Willie and Willie )te--ed ,or+ard +ith the rag and )car,% (O-en u-3( he )aid% Aor a moment )he he)itated% Then )he o-ened her mouth% He -ut the rag in and tied the )car, around it% He tied it tighter than he had to3 tighter than be,ore% (We )till got a deal3( )aid Donny% (ou got )ome +ater% 0ut +e +ere ne*er here% ou under)tand meI( $he nodded% !t +a) hard to be naked and hanging there and -roud at the )ame time but )he managed it% ou couldn1t hel- admiring her% ('ood3( he )aid% He turned to lea*e% ! had an idea% ! reached out and touched hi) arm a) he -a))ed and )to--ed him% (DonnyI( (eahI(
99<
("ook% "et1) gi*e her )ome )lack% Ju)t a little% ll +e ha*e to do i) -u)h the +orktable uan inch or t+o% Ruth +on1t notice% ! mean3 look at her% ou +ant to di)locate a )houlder or )omethingI &orning1) a long +ay o,,3 you kno+ +hat ! meanI( ! )aid thi) in a *oice loud enough )o that )he could hear% He )hrugged% (We ga*e her a choice% $he +a)n1t intere)ted%( (! kno+ that3( ! )aid% nd here ! leaned ,or+ard and )miled at him and +hi)-ered% (0ut )he might be grate,ul3( ! )aid% (ou kno+I $he might remember% Next time%( We -u)hed the table% ctually +e )ort o, li,ted and -u)hed it )o a) not to make much noi)e and +ith the three o, u) and Woo,er it +a)n1t too hard% nd +hen +e +ere done )he had maybe an inch o, )lack3 /u)t enough to gi*e her a bend at the elbo+% !t +a) more than )he1d had in a *ery long +hile% ($ee you3( ! +hi)-ered a) ! clo)ed the door% nd in the dark ! think )he nodded% ! +a) a con)-irator no+3 ! thought% !n t+o +ay)% On both )ide)% ! +a) +orking both )ide) ,rom the middle% What a great idea% 2! +a) -roud o, my)el,3 a ! ,elt )mart and *irtuou) and excited% !1d hel-ed her% One day +ould come the -ayo,,% One day3 ! kne+3 )he1d let me touch her% !t +ould come to that% &aybe not the3 other)2but me% J $he1d let me% $o ($ee you3 &eg3( ! +hi)-ered% "ike )he1d thank me% ! +a) out o, my mind% ! +a) craGy% !n the morning +e came do+n and Ruth had untied her and brought her a change o, clothe) along +ith a cu- o, hot tea and )ome unbuttered +hite toa)t and )he +a) drinking and eating that )itting cro))2legged on the air mattre)) +hen +e arri*ed% 7lothed3 ,reed3 +ith the gag and blind,old gone3 there +a)n1t much my)tery le,t in her% $he looked -ale3 haggard% Tired and di)tinctly grum-y% !t +a) hard to remember the -roud &eg or the )u,,ering &eg o, the day be,ore% ou could )ee )he +a) ha*ing trouble )+allo+ing%
99;
Ruth )tood o*er her acting like a mother% (Eat your toa)t3( )he )aid% &eg looked u- at her and then do+n at the -a-er -late in her la-% We could hear the tele*i)ion u-)tair)2)ome game )ho+% Willie )hu,,led hi) ,eet% !t +a) raining out)ide and +e could hear that too% $he took a bite o, the cru)t and then che+ed ,ore*er until it mu)t ha*e been a) thin a) )-it be,ore )+allo+ing% Ruth )ighed% !t +a) a) though +atching &eg che+ +a) thi) great big trial ,or her% $he -ut her hand) on her hi-) and +ith her leg) a-art )he looked like 'eorge Ree*e) in the o-ening credit) o, $u-erman% ('o on% Ha*e )ome more3( )he )aid%
&eg )hook her head% (!t1) too %%% ! can1t% &y mouth i) )o dry% 7ould ! /u)t +aitI Ha*e it laterI !1ll drink the tea%( (!1m not +a)ting ,ood3 &eg% Aood1) ex-en)i*e% ! made that toa)t ,or you%( (! %%% ! kno+% Only%%%( (What do you +ant me to doI Thro+ it outI( (No% 7ouldn1t you /u)t lea*e it hereI !1ll ha*e it in a +hile%( (!t1ll be hard by then% ou )hould eat it no+% While it1) ,re)h% !t1ll bring bug)% Roache)% nt)% !1m not ha*ing bug) in my hou)e%( Which +a) kind o, ,unny becau)e there already +ere a cou-le o, ,lie) buGGing around in there% (!1ll eat it real )oon3 Ruth% ! -romi)e%( Ruth )eemed to think about it% $he ad/u)ted her )tance3 brought her ,eet together3 ,olded her arm) acro)) her brea)t)% (&eg honey3( )he )aid3 (! +ant you to try to eat it no+% !t1) good ,or you%( (! kno+ it i)% Only it1) hard ,or me no+% !1ll drink the tea3 okayI( okayI ( $he rai)ed the mug to her li-)% (!t1) not )u--o)ed to be ea)y3( )aid Ruth% (Nobody )aid it +a) ea)y%( $he laughed% (ou1re a +oman3 &eg%/ That1) hard2not ea)y%(
99@
&eg looked u- at her and nodded and drank )teadily at the tea% Donny and Woo,er and Willie and ! )tood in our -a/ama) and +atched ,rom the door+ay% ! +a) getting a little hungry my)el,% 0ut neither Ruth nor &eg had ackno+ledged u)%
Ruth +atched her and &eg ke-t her eye) on Ruth and drank3 )mall care,ul )i-) becau)e the tea +a) )till )teamy hot3 and +e could hear the +ind and rain out)ide and then the )um- -um- kicking in ,or a +hile and )to--ing3 and )till &eg drank and Ruth /u)t )tared% nd then &eg looked do+n ,or a moment3 breathing in the +arm ,ragrant )team ,rom the tea3 en/oying it% nd Ruth ex-loded% $he +hacked the mug ,rom her hand)% !t )hattered again)t the +hite+a)hed cinder2block +all% Tea running do+n3 the color o, urine% Eat it( $he )tabbed her ,inger at the toa)t% !t had )li--ed hal,+ay o,, the -a-er -late% &eg held u- her hand)% (Okay ll right ! +ill !1ll eat it right a+ay ll rightI( Ruth leaned do+n to her )o that they +ere almo)t no)e to no)e and &eg couldn1t ha*e taken a bite then i, )he1d +anted to2 not +ithout -u)hing the toa)t u- into Ruth1) ,ace% Which +ouldn1t ha*e been a good idea% 0ecau)e Ruth +a) burning mad% (ou ,ucked u- Willie1) +all3( )he )aid% ('oddamn you3 you broke my mug% ou think mug) come chea-I ou think tea1) chea-1( (!1m )orry%( $he -icked u- the toa)t but Ruth +a) )till leaning in clo)e% (!1ll eat% ll rightI RuthI( (ou ,ucking better%( (!1m going to%( (ou ,ucked u- Willie1) +all%(
(!1m )orry%(
99:
(Who1) going to clean itI Who1) going to clean that +allI( (! +ill% !1m )orry3 Ruth% Really%( (Auck you3 )i)ter% ou kno+ +ho1) going to clean itI( &eg didn1t an)+er% ou could )ee )he didn1t kno+ +hat to )ay% Ruth /u)t )eemed to get madder and madder and nothing could calm her% (Do youI( no% Ruth )tood u- )traight and bello+ed% ($u2)an $u2)an ou come do+n here( &eg tried to )tand% Ruth -u)hed her do+n again% nd thi) time the toa)t did ,all o,, the -late to the ,loor3 a &eg reached do+n to -ick it u- and got hold o, the -iece )he1d been eating% 0ut Ruth1) bro+n loa,er came do+n on the other one% (Aorget it( )he )aid% (ou don1t +ant to eat3 you don1t need to eat%( $he grabbed the -a-er -late% The remaining -iece o, toa)t +ent ,lying% !, (ou think ! )hould cook ,or youI ou little bitch% H ou little ingrate( $u)an came hobbling do+n the )tair)% ou could hear her +ay be,ore you )a+ her% ($u)an3 you get in here( (e)3 &r)% 7handler%( We made +ay ,or her% $he +ent -a)t Woo,er and he bo+ed and giggled%
($hut u-3( )aid Douny% 0ut )he did look -retty digni,ied ,or a little girl3 neatly dre))ed already and *ery * ery care,ul ho+ )he +alked and *ery )eriou)2looking% (O*er to the table3( )aid Ruth% $he did a) )he +a) told% (Turn around%( $he turned to ,ace the table% Ruth glanced at &eg3 and then )li--ed o,, her belt% (Here1) ho+ +e clean the +all3( )he )aid% (We clean the +all by cleaning the )late%(
994
$he turned to u)% (One o, you boy) come o*er here and -ull u- her dre)) and get rid o, them -antie)%( !t +a) the ,ir)t thing )he1d )aid to u) all morning% &eg )tarted to get u- again but Ruth -u)hed her do+n hard a )econd time% (We1re gonna make a rule3( )he )aid% (ou di)obey3 you +i)e2mouth me3 you )a)) me3 anything like that3 mi))y2and )he -ay) ,or it% $he get) the thra)hing% nd you get to +atch% We1ll try that% nd i, that doe)n1t +ork then +e1ll try )omething el)e%( $he turned to $u)an% (ou think that1) ,air3 $uGieI That you )hould -ay ,or your tra)h )i)terI Aor +hat )he doe)I( $u)an +a) crying uietly% (N %% % noooo3( )he moaned% ((7our)e not% ! ne*er )aid it +a)% Ral-hie3 you get o*er here and bare thi) girl1) little butt ,or me% ou other boy) get hold o, &eg3 /u)t in ca)e )he get) mean or )tu-id enough to +alk into the line o, ,ire here% ($he gi*e) you any trouble3 )mack her% nd care,ul +here you touch her% $he1) -robably got crab) or )omething% 'od only kno+) +here that cunt ha) been be,ore +e got her%( (7rab)I( )aid Woo,er% (Real crab) (Ne*er mind3( )aid Ruth% (Ju)t do +hat ! told you to do% ou got all your y our li,e to learn about +hore) and crab lice%( nd it +ent /u)t like be,ore3 exce-t ex ce-t that &eg +a) there% Exce-t that the rea)oning +a) craGy% 0ut by then +e +ere u)ed to that% Woo,er -ulled her -ant) do+n o*er the ca)t) and nobody e*en had to hold her thi) time +hile Ruth ga*e her t+enty3 ,a)t3 +ith no letu-3 +hile )he )creamed and ho+led a) her a)) got redder and redder in that clo)e little room that Willie $r% had built to +ith)tand the tomic 0omb2and at ,ir)t &eg )truggled +hen )he heard the ho+ling and crying and the
9=5
)ound o, the belt coming do+n but Willie took her arm and t+i)ted it behind her back3 -re))ed her ,acedo+n into the air mattre)) )o that )he had all )he could do to breathe3 ne*er mind hel-ing3 tear) running do+n not /u)t $u)an1) ,ace but her) too and )-lotching the dirty mattre)) +hile Donny and ! )tood +atching and li)tening in our +rinkled -a/ama)% When it +a) o*er Ruth )tood back and )li--ed her belt through her belt loo-) and $u)an bent o*er +ith di,,iculty3 brace) chattering3 and -ulled u- her -antie)3 then )moothed the back o, the dre)) do+n o*er her%
Willie let go o, &eg and )te--ed a+ay% ) $u)an turned to+ard u) &eg li,ted her head o,, the mattre)) and ! +atched their glance) meet% ! )a+ )omething -a)) bet+een them% $omething that )eemed )uddenly -lacid behind the tear)3 )ad and oddly tranuil% !t unner*ed me% ! +ondered i, they +eren1t )tronger than all o, u) a,ter all% nd ! +a) a+are that once again thi) thing had e)calated )omeho+% Then &eg1) eye) )hi,ted to Ruth and ! )a+ ho+% Her eye) +ere )a*age% Ruth )a+ it too and took an in*oluntary )te- back a+ay ,rom her% Her o+n eye) narro+ed and ranged the room% They ,ixed on the corner +here the -ick3 ax3 cro+bar and )ho*el )tood -ro--ed together like a little )teel ,amily o, de)truction% Ruth )miled% (! think &eg1) -i))ed at u)3 boy)3( )he )aid% &eg )aid nothing% (Well3 +e all kno+ that +on1t get g et her any+here at all% 0ut let1) /u)t -ick u- that )tu,, o*er there )o )he1) not too tem-ted% $he1) maybe /u)t dumb enough to try% $o get 1em% nd lock the door behind you +hen you lea*e% (0y the +ay3 &eggy3( )he )aid%
9=9
(ou /u)t -a))ed on lunch and dinner% Ha*e a real nice day%( $he turned and le,t the room% We +atched her go% Her +alk +a) a little un)teady3 ! thought3 almo)t like )he1d been drinking though ! kne+ that +a)n1t )o%
(ou +ant to tie her u- againI( Woo,er a)ked Willie% (Try it3( )aid &eg% Willie )norted% (That1) real cool3 &eg3( he )aid% (ct tough% We could do it +hene*er +e +ant to and you kno+ it% nd $u)an1) here% Remember that%( &eg glared at him% He )hrugged% (&aybe later3 Woo,3( )aid Willie3 and +ent and got the ax and )ho*el% Woo,er took the -ick and the cro+bar and ,ollo+ed him% nd then there +a) a di)cu))ion a) to +here to -ut it all no+ that it +a) out)ide the -rotection o, the )helter% The ba)ement ,looded )ometime) )o there +a) a danger o, ru)ting% Woo,er +anted to hang them ,rom the ceiling )u--ort beam)% Donny )ugge)ted they nail them to the +all% Willie )aid ,uck it3 -ut - ut 1em by the boiler% "et 1em ru)t% Donny +on and they +ent looking through Willie $r%() old World War !! ,ootlocker by the dryer3 +hich )er*ed a) a toolbox no+3 ,or hammer and nail)% ! looked at &eg% ! had to brace my)el, to do )o% ! gue)) ! +a) ex-ecting hate% Hal, dreading and hal, ho-ing it1d be there becau)e then3 at lea)t3 !1d kno+ +here ! )tood +ith her and +ith the re)t o, them% ! could already )ee that -laying the middle +a) going to be tough% 0ut there +a)n1t any hate that ! could )ee% Her eye) +ere )teady% $ort o, neutral% (ou could run a+ay3( ! )aid )o,tly% (! could maybe hel- you%( $he )miled but it +a)n1t -retty% (nd +hat +ould you +ant ,or that3 Da*idI( )he )aid%
9==
('ot any idea)I(
nd ,or a moment )he did d id )ound a little like the tram- Ruth )aid )he +a)% (No% Nothing3( ! )aid% 0ut )he1d got me% ! +a) blu)hing% (ReallyI( (Hone)t% Really% Nothing% ! mean3 ! don1t kno+ +here you could go but at lea)t you could get a+ay%( $he nodded and looked at $u)an% nd then her tone o, *oice +a) totally di,,erent3 *ery matter2o,2,act3 incredibly rea)onable and *ery adult again% (! could3( )he )aid% (0ut )he can1t%( nd )uddenly $u)an +a) crying again% $he )tood looking at &eg ,or a moment and then hobbled o*er and ki))ed her on the li-) and on the cheek and then on the li-) again% (We1ll do )omething )he )aid% (&egI We1ll do )omething% ll rightI( (Okay3( )aid &eg% (ll right%( $he looked at me% They hugged and +hen they +ere ,ini)hed $u)an came o*er to me )tanding by the door and took my hand% nd together +e locked her in again%
then 3 a) i, to negate my o,,er o, hel-3 ! )tayed a+ay% ! 0 8nder the circum)tance) it +a) the be)t ! could do% 0 !mage) haunted me%
9=>
&eg laughing on the Aerri) +heel3 lying on the Rock by the brook% Working in the garden in her )hort) and halter +ith a big )tra+ hat o*er her head% Running ba)e)3 ,a)t3 o*er at the -layground% 0ut mo)t o, all &eg naked in the heat o, her o+n exertion)3 *ulnerable and o-en to me% On the other )ide ! )a+ Willie1) and Donny1) tackle dummy% ! )a+ a mouth cru)hed into an air mattre)) ,or being unable to )+allo+ a -iece o, toa)t% The image) +ere contradictory% They con,u)ed me% $o trying to decide +hat to do3 i, anything3 and +ith the excu)e o, a rainy3 ugly +eek to li*e through3 ! )tayed a+ay% ! )a+ Donny t+ice that +eek% The other) ! didn1t )ee at all% The ,ir)t time ! )a+ him ! +a) em-tying the garbage and he ran out into the gray a,ternoon driGGle +ith a )+eat)hirt -ulled o*er hi) head% ('ue)) +hat3( he )aid% (No +ater tonight%( !t had been raining ,or three day)% (HuhI(
(&eg3 dummy% Ruth1) not letting her ha*e any +ater tonight% Not N ot until tomorro+ morning%( (Ho+ comeI( He )miled% ("ong )tory3( he )aid% (Tell you about it later%( Then he ran back into the hou)e% The )econd time +a) a cou-le o, day) later% The +eather had cleared and ! +a) climbing onto my ,our2)-eed on the +ay to the )tore ,or my mother% Donny came riding u- the dri*e+ay behind me on hi) old beat2u- $ch+inn% (Where you goingI( (O*er to the )tore% &y mom need) milk and )hit% ouI( a (r (8- to Eddie1)% There1) a game on u- at the +ater to+er later% 0ra*e) *er)u) 0uck)% Want u) to +ait ,or youI( (Nah%( !t +a) "ittle "eague and didn1t intere)t me% Donny )hook hi) head%
9=B
(! gotta get outta here3( he )aid% (Thi) )tu,, i) dri*ing me craGy% ou kno+ +hat they got me doin1 no+I( (What%( (Thro+in1 her )hit -an out in back o, the yard ou belie*e thatI( (! don1t get it% WhyI( ($he1) not allo+ed u-)tair) at all anymore% No toilet -ri*ilege)3 nothin1% $o the )tu-id little ,uck trie) to hold it% 0ut e*en )he1) got to -i)) and )hit )ometime and no+ no + ! got the goddamn detail ou belie*e itI What the hell1) the matter +ith Woo,erI( He )hrugged% )hrugged % (0ut &om )ay) it1) got to be one o, u) older guy)%( (WhyI(
(Ho+ the hell do ! kno+I( He -u)hed o,,% (Hey3 you )ure you don1t +ant u) to +ait u- ,or youI( (Nah% Not today%( (Okay% $ee ya then% $to- o*er3 huhI( (Okay3 ! +ill%( ! didn1t3 though% Not then% !t )eemed )o ,oreign to me% ! couldn1t e*en imagine her going to the bathroom3 much le)) u)ing a -an that )omebody +ould ha*e to dum- in back o, the yard% What i, ! +ent o*er there and they hadn1t cleaned u- yet that dayI What i, ! had to )mell her -i)) and )hit do+n thereI The +hole thing di)gu)ted me% $he di)gu)ted me% That +a)n1t &eg% That +a) )omebody el)e% !t became yet another )trange ne+ image to trouble me% nd the -roblem +a) there +a) nobody to talk to3 nobody to )ort thing) out +ith% !, you talked to the kid) on the block it +a) clear that e*erybody had )ome notion o, +hat +a) ha--ening o*er there2)ome *ague and other) -retty )-eci,ic% 0ut nobody had any o-inion) about it% !t +a) a) though +hat +a) ha--ening +ere a )torm or a )un)et3 )ome ,orce o, nature3 )omething that /u)t ha--ened )ometime)% nd there +a) no -oint di)cu))ing )ummer )ho+er)%
9=<
! kne+ enough to be a+are that3 i, you +ere a boy3 you +ere ex-ected to bring )ome matter) to your ,ather% $o ! took a )hot at that% No+ that ! +a) older ! +a) )u--o)ed to -ut in )ome time at the Eagle1) Ne)t no+ and then3 hel-ing to )tock and clean u- and +hatnot3 and ! +a) +orking on the grill in the kitchen +ith a +het)tone and )ome )oda +ater3 -u)hing the grea)e into the )ide trough) +ith the +het)tone a) the grill )lo+ly cooled and the )oda +ater loo)ened the grea)e2 drudge +ork o, the kind !1d )een &eg do a thou)and time)2+hen ,inally ! /u)t )tarted talking% &y ,ather +a) making )hrim- )alad3 crumbling bit) o, bread in to make it )tretch ,urther% !1ll There +a) a liuor deli*ery coming in and through the +indo+ed -artition bet+een bar and kitchen +e could )ee Hodie3 my dad1) day2)hi,t bartender3 ticking o,, the carton) on an order )heet and arguing +ith the deli*ery man o*er a cou-le ca)e) o, *odka% !t +a) the hou)e brand and e*idently the guy had )horted him% Hodie +a) mad% Hodie +a) a rail2 / thin 'eorgia cracker +ith a tem-er *olatile enough to ha*e ke-t him in the brig throughout hal, the +ar% The deli*ery man +a) )+eating3 a &y ,ather +atched3 amu)ed% Exce-t to Hodie3 t+o ca)e) +a) no big deal% Ju)t )o long a) my ,ather +a)n1t -aying ,or )omething he +a)n1t getting% 0ut maybe it +a) Hodie1) anger that got me )tarted% (Dad3( ! )aid% (Did you e*er )ee a guy hit a girlI( &y ,ather )hrugged3 )a ($ure3( he )aid% (! gue)) )o% Kid)% Drunk)% !1*e )een a ,e+% WhyI( (ou ,igure it1) e*er%% % okay%% % to do thatI( (OkayI ou mean /u)ti,iedI( (eah%( He laughed% (That1) a tough one3( he )aid% ( +oman can really tick you o,, )ometime)% !1d )ay in general3 no% ! mean3 you got to ha*e better +ay) to deal +ith a +oman than that% ou ha*e to re)-ect the ,act that the +oman1) the +eaker o, the )-ecie)% !t1) like being a bully3 you kno+%( He +i-ed hi) hand) on hi) a-ron% Then he )miled% (Only thing i)3( he )aid3 (!1*e got to )ay !1*e )een 1em de)er*e it no+ and then% ou +ork in a bar3 you )ee that kind o, thing% +oman get) too much to drink3 get) abu)i*e3 loud3 maybe e*en take) a -oke at the guy
9=;
)he1) +ith% No+ +hat1) he )u--o)ed to doI Ju)t )it thereI $o he +hack) her one% No+3 you1*e got to break u- that kind o, thing )traighta+ay% ($ee3 it1) like the exce-tion that -ro*e) the rule% ou )hould ne*er hit a +oman3 ne*er2 and 'od ,orbid ! e*er catch you doing it% 0ecau)e i, ! do you1*e had it% 0ut )ometime) there1) nothing el)e you can do% ou get -u)hed that ,ar% ou )eeI !t +ork) both +ay)%( ! +a) )+eating% !t +a) a) much the con*er)ation a) the +ork but +ith the +ork there ! had an excu)e% &y ,ather had begun on the tuna )alad% There +a) crumbled bread in that too3 and -ickle reli)h% !n the next room Hodie had run the guy back to hi) truck to )earch ,or the mi))ing *odka% ! tried to make )en)e o, +hat he +a) )aying? it +a) ne*er okay but then )ometime) it +a)% ou get -u)hed that ,ar% That got )tuck in my mind% Had &eg -u)hed Ruth too hard at )ome -ointI Done )omething ! hadn1t )eenI Wa) thi) a ne*er or a )ometime) )ituationI (Why d1you a)kI( )aid my ,ather% (! don1t kno+3( ! )aid% ($ome o, u) +ere talking%(
He nodded% (Well3 be)t bet1) to kee- your hand) to your)el,% &en or +omen% That1) ho+ you )tay out o, trouble%( (e)3 )ir%( ! -oured )ome more )oda +ater + ater on the grill and +atched it )iGGle3 ) (Peo-le )ay Eddie1) dad beat) u- on &r)% 7rocker3 though% On Deni)e and Eddie too%( &y ,ather ,ro+ned% (e)% ! kno+%( (ou mean it1) true%(
9=@
(! didn1t )ay it +a) true%( (0ut it i)3 rightI( He )ighed% ("i)ten3( he )aid% (! don1t kno+ +hy you1re all o, a )udden )o intere)ted% 0ut you1re old enough to kno+3 to under)tand ! gue)) %% % it1) like ! )aid be,ore% $ometime) you get -u)hed3 a man ,eel) -u)hed3 and he doe)%%% +hat he kno+) he )houldn1t ought to do%( nd he +a) right% ! +a) old enough to under)tand% nd ! heard a )ubtext there% Di)tinct a) the echoe) o, Hodie yelling at the deli*ery man out)ide% t )ome -oint and ,or )ome rea)on3 my ,ather had hit my mother% nd then ! e*en hal, remembered it% Waking u- out o, ! a dee- )lee-% The cra)h o, ,urniture% elling% nd a )la-% long time ago% ! ,elt a )udden )hock o, anger to+ard him% ! looked at hi) bulk and thought about my mother% nd then )lo+ly the coldne)) co ldne)) )et in3 the )en)e o, i)olation and o, )a,ety% 6 nd it occurred to me that my mother +a) the one to talk to about all thi)% $he1d kno+ ho+ it ,elt3 +hat it meant%
0ut ! couldn1t then% Not e*en i, )he1d been there right that minute% ! didn1t try% ! +atched my ,ather Aini)h the )alad) and +i-e hi) hand) again on the +hite cotton a-ron +e u)ed to /oke about getting condemned by the 0oard o, Health and then )tart )licing )alami on the electric meat )licer he1d /u)t bought and +a) )o -roud o, and ! -u)hed the grea)e into the trough until the grill +a) )hiny clean% nd nothing +hate*er +a) )ol*ed% nd )oon ! +ent back again% What brought me back +a) that )ingle un)to--able image o, &eg1) body% !t )-arked a thou)and ,anta)ie)3 day and night% $ome o, them tender3 )ome *iolent2)ome ridiculou)%
9=:
!1d be lying in bed at night +ith the tran)i)tor radio hidden under the -illo+ -laying Danny and the Junior)1 (t the Ho-3( and !1d clo)e my eye) and there +ould be &eg /itter bugging +ith )ome un)een -artner3 the only girl at Teen1) 7anteen dancing in a -air o, +hite bobby )ox rolled do+n at the to- and nothing el)e% 7om,ortable +ith her nudity a) though )he1d /u)t bought the em-eror1) ne+ clothe)% Or +e1d be -laying &ono-oly )itting acro)) ,rom one another and !1d hit 0oard+alk or &ar*in 'arden) and )he1d )tand u- and )igh and )te- out o, her h er thin +hite cotton -antie)% 0ut more o,ten the )ong on the radio +ould be )omething like (T+ilight Time( by the Platter) and &eg +ould be naked in my arm) in the dee- blue Technicolor )tarlight and +e1d ki))% Or the game +ould be The 'ame2and there +a) nothing ,unny about it at all% ,l ! ,elt ner*ou) and /um-y% ! ,elt like ! had to go o*er% Ju)t a) ! +a) a,raid o, +hat !1d ,ind +hen ! did% E*en my mother noticed it% !1d catch her +atching me li-) -ur)ed3 +ondering3 a) ! lea-t u- ,rom the dinner table )-illing the +ater gla)) or lurched into the kitchen ,or a 7oke% Perha-) that +a) one rea)on ! ne*er )-oke to her% Or maybe it +a) /u)t that )he +a) my mother3 and a +oman% 0ut ! did go o*er% nd +hen ! did3 thing) had changed again% ! let my)el, in and the ,ir)t thing ! heard h eard +a) Ruth coughing3 then talking in a lo+ *oice3 and ! realiGed it had to be &eg )he +a) )-eaking to% $he had that tone )he +ould ne*er ha*e u)ed to any o, the re)t o, u)3 like )he +a) a teacher talking to a little girl3 in)tructing% ! +ent do+n)tair)% They1d rigged u- the +ork light3 )trung the cable ,rom the outlet o*er the +a)her to a hook in one o, Willie $r%() cro))beam)% The caged bulb dangled3 brightly glaring% Ruth +a) )itting in a ,olding chair3 -art o, the old card2table )et they ke-t do+n there3 )itting +ith her back to me3 )moking% 7igarette butt) littered the ,loor like )he1d been there a +hile% The boy) +ere no+here around% &eg +a) )tanding in ,ront o, her in a ,rilly yello+ dre))3 not the )ort o, dre)) you1d -icture her +earing at all3 and ! gue))ed it +a) Ruth1)3 and old3 and could )ee it +a) none too clean% !t had )hort -u,,y -u ,,y )lee*e) and a ,ull -leated )kirt3 )o that her arm) and leg) +ere bare% Ruth +a) +earing a blue2green *er)ion o, )omething )imilar3 but -lainer3 le)) ,lounce and ,rill)%
9=4
bo*e the cigarette )moke ! could )mell cam-hor% &othball)% Ruth ke-t talking%
ou might ha*e thought they +ere )i)ter) at ,ir)t3 roughly the )ame +eight though Ruth +a) taller and )kinnier3 both o, them +ith hair that +a) )lightly oily no+ and both bo th o, them +earing the)e old )melly dre))e) like they +ere trying thing) on ,or a -arty% Exce-t that Ruth /u)t )at there )moking% While &eg +a) u- again)t one o, Willie1) ,our2by2,our )u--ort -o)t)3 arm) tied tightly around it behind her back3 ,eet tied too% $he had the gag on but no blind,old% (When ! +a) a girl like you3( you 3( Ruth +a) )aying3 (! did3 ! )earched ,or 'od% ! +ent to e*ery church in to+n% 0a-ti)t3 "utheran3 E-i)co-al3 ðodi)t% ou name it% ! e*en +ent to the no*ena) o*er at $aint &attie)3 )at u- in the balcony +here the organ +a)% (That +a) be,ore ! kne+3 )ee3 +hat +omen +ere% nd you kno+ +ho taught meI &y mom did%( ((7our)e3 )he didn1t kno+ )he +a) teaching me3 not the +ay !1m teaching you% !t +a) more +hat ! )a+%( (No+ ! +ant you to kno+ and under)tand that they ga*e me e*erything3 my -arent) did2 e*erything a girl could +i)h ,or3 that1) +hat ! had% Exce-t ,or college o, cour)e3 but girl) didn1t go in ,or college much in tho)e day) anyho+% 0ut my daddy3 re)t hi) )oul3 he +orked hard ,or a li*ing and a nd my momma and me3 +e had it all% Not like Willie did me%( $he lit a ne+ Tareyton ,rom the butt o, the old one and to))ed the butt to the ,loor% nd ! gue))ed )he hadn1t noticed me behind her or el)e )he didn1t care becau)e e*en though &eg +a) looking right at me +ith a )trange )ort o, ex-re))ion on her ,ace3 and e*en though !1d made the u)ual noi)e coming do+n the rickety old )tair)3 )he didn1t turn or )totalking not e*en to light the cigarette% $he talked right through the )moke% (0ut my daddy drank like Willie3( )he )aid3 (and !1d hear him% Him coming in night) and )traight ,or the bed and mount my mother like a mare% !1d hear 1em hu,,in1 and -u,,in1 u- in there3 my mother no2no2no2ing and the occa)ional odd )la- no+ and then and that +a) /u)t like Willie too% 0ecau)e +e +omen re-eat the )ame mi)take) a) our mother) made gi*ing in all the time to a man% ! had that +eakne)) too and that1) ho+ come ! got all the)e boy) he le,t me +ith to )tar*e +ith% 7an1t +ork the +ay ! did3 back there during the +ar% The men get all the /ob) no+% nd !1*e got kid) to rai)e%
9>5
(Oh3 Willie )end) the check) but it1) not enough% ou kno+ that% ou )ee that% our check) don1t do much good either% (7an you )ee +hat !1m )aying to youI ou got the 7ur)e% nd ! don1t mean your -eriod% ou got it +or)e e*en than ! e*er did% ! can )mell it on you3 &eggy ou1ll be doing /u)t +hat my mother and ! did +ith )ome a))hole o, an !ri)hman beatin1 u- on you and ,uckin1 you and making you like it3 makin1 you lo*e it3 and then +ham3 he1) u- and gone% (That ,ucking% That1) the thing% That +arm +et -u))y o, your)% That1) the 7ur)e3 you kno+I 7ur)e o, E*e% That1) the +eakne))% That1) +here they got u)% / (! tell you% +oman1) nothing but a )lut and an animal% ou got to )ee that3 you got to remember% Ju)t u)ed and )cre+ed and -uni)hed% Nothing but a )tu-id lo)er )lut +ith a hole in her and that1) all )he1ll e*er be% (Only thing ! can do ,or you i) +hat !1m doing% ! can )ort o, try to burn it outta ou tta you%( $he lit a match% ($eeI( $he to))ed it at &eg1) yello+ dre))% !t died reaching her and ,ell )moking to the ,loor% $he lit another% ($eeI( $he leaned in ,arther thi) time and to))ed it and +hen the match hit the dre)) it +a) )till burning% !t lodged bet+een the -leat)% &eg )uirmed again)t the ,our2by2,our and )hook it o,,% ($trong young healthy girl like you2you think you )mell )o ,re)h and good% 0ut to me you )mell like burning% "ike hot cunt% ou got the 7ur)e and the +eakne))% ou1*e got it3 &eggy%( There +a) a )mall black )-ot on her dre)) +here the match had been% &eg +a) looking at me3 making )ound) behind the gag% Ruth dro--ed her cigarette and )hi,ted her ,oot to grind it out% $he got o,, the chair3 leaned do+n and )truck another match% The room )eemed )uddenly thick +ith )ul,ur% $he held it to the hem o, the dre))% ($eeI( )he )aid% (!1d think you1d be grate,ul%( &eg )uirmed3 )truggling hard again)t the ro-e)% The hem charred bro+n and black but did not ,lare%
9>9
The match burned lo+% Ruth )hook it out and dro--ed it% Then )he lit another%
$he held it lo+ to the hem3 the )ame -lace )he1d already burned% There +a) a ,eeling about her like )ome )trange mad )cienti)t -er,orming an ex-eriment in a mo*ie% The )corched dre)) )melted like ironing% &eg )truggled% Ruth /u)t took her dre)) in hand and a--lied the match until it began to burn3 then dro--ed it back again)t &eg1) leg% ! +atched the thin line o, ,lame )tart cra+ling% $-reading% !t +a) like Woo,er +ith hi) )oldier) in the incinerator% Only thi) +a) ,or real% &eg1) high mu,,led )uealing made it real% !t +a) hal,+ay u- her thigh no+% ! )tarted to mo*e3 to bat the ,lame) out +ith my hand)% Then Ruth reached o*er and dou)ed her dre)) +ith the 7oke )he1d had )itting be)ide her on the ,loor% $he looked at me3 laughing% &eg )lum-ed +ith relie,% ! gue)) ! looked -retty )cared% 0ecau)e Ruth ke-t laughing% nd ! realiGed that -art o, her mu)t ha*e been a+are ! +a) there behind her all along% 0ut )he didn1t care% &y ea*e)dro--ing didn1t matter% Nothing mattered but her concentration on the le))on )he +a) gi*ing &eg% !t +a) there in her eye)3 )omething !1d ne*er )een be,ore% !1*e )een it )ince% Too ,reuently% !n the eye) o, my ,ir)t +i,e3 a,ter her )econd ner*ou) breakdo+n% !n the eye) o, )ome o, her com-anion) at the (re)t home%( One o, +hom3 !1m told3 murdered hi) +i,e and in,ant children +ith a -air o, garden )hear)%
9>=
!t1) a cold3 )tark em-tine)) that ha) no laughter in it% No com-a))ion3 and no mercy% !t1) ,eral% "ike the eye) o, a hunting animal% "ike the eye) o, )nake)% That +a) Ruth% (What do you thinkI( )he )aid% (Think )he1ll li)tenI( (! don1t kno+3( ! )aid% (ou +ant to -lay card)I( (7ard)I( (7raGy Eight) or )omething%( ($ure% ! gue))%( nything3 ! thought% nything you +ant to do% (Ju)t till the boy) come home3( )he )aid% We +ent u-)tair) and -layed and ! don1t think +e )aid ten +ord) to each other the +hole game% ! drank a lot o, 7oke)% $he )moked a lot o, cigarette)% $he +on%
!t turned out that Donny3 Willie3 and Woo,er had been to a matinee o, Ho+ To &ake a &on)ter% That +ould ha*e -i))ed - i))ed me o,, ordinarily becau)e /u)t a ,e+ month) ago +e1d )een a double bill together o, ! Wa) a Teenage Were+ol, and Q Wa) a Teenage Aranken)tein and thi) +a) a kind o, )euel3 +ith the )ame mon)ter)3 and they +ere )u--o)ed to +ait ,or me or at lea)t remind me% 0ut they )aid it +a)n1t a) good a) the ,ir)t t+o any+ay and ! +a) )till thinking about +hat !1d )een belo+3 and a) Ruth and ! got to the la)t cou-le o, hand) the )ub/ect came round to &eg% ($he )tink)3( )aid Woo,er% ($he1) dirty% We ought to +a)h her%( ! hadn1t noticed any )tink%
9>>
Ju)t cam-hor3 )moke and )ul,ur% nd Woo,er +a) one to talk% ('ood idea3( )aid Donny% (!t1) been a +hile% ! bet )he1d like it%( (Who care) +hat )he like)I( )aid Willie% Ruth /u)t li)tened% (We1d ha*e to let her come u-)tair)3( )aid Donny% ($he could try to run a+ay%( (7ome on% Where1) )he gonna goI( )aid Woo,er% (Where1) )he gonna run toI ny+ay +e could tie her%(
(! gue))%( (nd +e could get $u)an%( (! gue)) )o%( (Where i) )heI( ($u)an1) in her room3( )aid Ruth% (! think )he hide) ,rom me%( (Nan3( )aid Donny% ($he read) all the time%( ($he hide)% ! think )he hide)%( Ruth1) eye) )till looked )trange and glittery to me3 and ! gue)) to the other) too% 0ecau)e nobody contradicted her any ,urther% (Ho+ about it3 &aI( )aid Woo,er% (7an +eI( Our card game +a) o*er o*e r but Ruth )till )at there )hu,,ling the deck%
9>B
Then )he nodded% ($he could u)e it ! )u--o)e3( )he )aid dully% (We1ll ha*e to )tri- her3( )aid Willie% (!1ll do that3( Ruth )aid% (ou boy) remember%( (eah3( )aid Woo,er% (We remember% No touching%( (That1) right%( ! looked at Willie and Donny% Willie +a) )co+ling% He had hi) hand) in hi) -ocket)% He )hu,,led hi) ,eet3 )houlder) hunched% What a retard3 ! thought% 0ut Donny looked thought,ul3 like a ,ull2gro+n man +ith a -ur-o)e and a /ob to do no+ and he +a) con)idering the be)t and mo)t e,,icient +ay to go about it% Woo,er )miled brightly% (Okay3( he )aid% ("et1) get her( We troo-ed do+n)tair)3 Ruth trailing a +ay) behind%
Donny untied her3 leg) ,ir)t and then the hand)3 ga*e her a moment to ma))age her +ri)t) and then tied them back together again in ,ront o, her% He took o,, the gag and -ut it in hi) -ocket% Nobody mentioned the burn) or 7oke )tain) on her dre))% Though they had to be the ,ir)t thing you noticed% $he licked her li-)% ( drinkI( )he a)ked% (!n a minute3( )aid Donny% (We1re going u-)tair)%( (We areI(
9><
(eah%( $he didn1t a)k +hy% Holding onto the ro-e3 Donny led her u-)tair)3 +ith Woo,er ahead o, him and Willie and ! directly in back% gain Ruth lagged behind% ! +a) *ery a+are o, her back there% There +a) )omething +rong +ith her2that ! +a) )ure o,% $he )eemed tired3 di)tant3 not +holly there% Her ,oot)te-) on the )tair) )eemed lighter than our) +ere3 lighter than they )hould be3 barely a +hi)-er2though )he mo*ed )lo+ly and +ith di,,iculty3 like )he1d gained t+enty -ound)% ! didn1t kno+ much about mental -roblem) then but ! kne+ +hat ! +a) +atching +a)n1t entirely normal% $he bothered me% ((12When +e got u-)tair) Donny )at &eg do+n at the dining2room table and got her a gla)) o, +ater ,rom the kitchen )ink% !t +a) the ,ir)t !1d noticed the )ink% !t +a) -iled - iled high +ith dirty di)he)3 more than they could ha*e u)ed in /u)t one day% &ore like t+o or three day)1 +orth +a) )tu,,ed in there%
nd )eeing that made me notice other thing)3 made me look around a bit% ! +a) not a kid +ho noticed du)t% Who didI 0ut ! noticed ho+ du)ty and dirty the -lace +a) no+3 mo)t *i)ibly on the end table) in the li*ing room behind me +here you could )ee the )treak) o, hand -rint) acro)) the )ur,ace% There +ere toa)t crumb) on the table in ,ront o, &eg% The a)htray be)ide her looked a) i, it hadn1t been cleaned in decade)% ! )a+ t+o +ooden matche) lying on the thro+ rug in the hall next to a -iece o, -a-er that looked like the crum-led2u- to- o, a cigarette -ack3 ca)ually di)carded% ! had the )trange)t ,eeling% O, )omething +inding do+n% Di)integrating )lo+ly% &eg ,ini)hed her gla)) o, +ater and a)ked ,or another% Plea)e3 )he )aid% (Don1t +orry3( )aid Willie% (ou1ll get +ater%( ! &eg looked -uGGled% (We1re gonna +a)h you3( he )aid% n (WhatI( (The boy) thought it +ould be nice i, you had a )ho+er3( )aid Ruth% (ou1d like that +ouldn1t you%( &eg he)itated% ou could )ee +hy% That +a)n1t exactly the +ay Willie had -ut it% Willie had )aid +e1re gonna +a)h you% i (2ye)3( )he )aid% H (#ery thought,ul o, them too3( )aid Ruth% (!1m glad you1re glad%(
9>;
!t 3 +a) like )he +a) talking to her)el,3 almo)t mumbling%
Donny and ! exchanged a look% ! could )ee he +a) a little ner*ou) about her% (Think !1ll ha*e a beer3( )aid Ruth% $he got u- and +ent to the kitchen% (nybody /oin meI( Nobody )eemed to +ant any% That in it)el, +a) unu)ual% $he -eered into the re,rigerator% $he looked around% Then )he clo)ed it again% (None le,t3( )he )aid3 )hu,,ling back to the dining room% (Why didn1t )omebody buy beerI( (&om3( )aid Donny% (We can1t% We1re kid)% They don1t let u) buy beer%( Ruth chuckled% (Right3( )he )aid% Then )he turned around again% (!1ll ha*e a )cotch in)tead%( $he dug into the cabinet and came u- +ith a bottle% $he +alked back into the dining room3 -icked u- &eg1) +ater gla)) and -oured her)el, about t+o inche) o, the )tu,,% (We gonna do thi) or notI( )aid Willie% Ruth drank% ($ure +e are3( )he )aid% &eg looked ,rom one o, u) to the other% (! don1t under)tand3( )he )aid%
9>@
(Do +hatI ! thought ! +a) %%% ! thought you +ere letting me ha*e a )ho+er%( (We are3( )aid Donny% (We ha*e to )u-er*i)e3 though3( )aid Ruth% $he took another drink and the liuor )eemed to )trike a )udden ,ire in back o, her eye)% (&ake )ure you get clean3( )he )aid% &eg under)tood her then% (! don1t +ant it3( )he )aid%
(Don1t matter +hat you +ant3( )aid Willie% (What matter) i) +hat +e +ant%( (ou )tink3( )aid Woo,er% (ou need a )ho+er%( (!t1) decided already3( )aid Donny% $he looked at Ruth% Ruth hunched o*er her drink +atching her like a tired old bird o, -rey% (Why can1t you /u)t%% % gi*e me %%% a little -ri*acyI( Ruth laughed% (!1d ha*e thought you1d ha*e about had it +ith -ri*acy3 do+n there all day%( (That1) not +hat ! mean% ! mean%% %( (! kno+ +hat you mean% nd the an)+er i) +e can1t tru)t you% 7an1t tru)t you one +ay3 can1t tru)t you another% ou1ll go in there3 thro+ a little +ater on your)el,3 and that1) clean%( (No ! +ouldn1t% ! )+ear ! +ouldn1t% !1d kill ,or a )ho+er%( Ruth )hrugged%
9>:
(Well then% ou got one% nd you don1t ha*e to kill ,or it3 do you%( (Plea)e%( Ruth +a*ed her a+ay% ('et outta that dre)) no+3 be,ore you get me mad%( &eg looked at each o, u) one at a time and then ! gue)) )he ,igured that a )u-er*i)ed )ho+er +a) better than no )ho+er at all becau)e )he )ighed% (&y hand)3( )he )aid% (Right3( )aid Ruth% (8nGi- her3 Donny% Then undo her hand)% Then do 1em u- again%( a (&eI( (eah%(
! +a) a little )ur-ri)ed too% ! gue)) )he1d decided to relax on the no touching rule% &eg )tood u- and )o did Donny% The dre)) unGi--ed to hal,+ay do+n her back% He untied her% Then he +ent behind her again to )li- the dre)) o,, her )houlder)% (7an ! ha*e a to+el -lea)e3 at lea)tI( Ruth )miled% (ou1re not +et yet3( )he )aid% $he nodded to Donny% &eg clo)ed her eye) and )tood *ery )till and rigid +hile Donny took the ,illy )hort )lee*e) and dragged them do+n o*er her arm) and bared her brea)t) and then her hi-) and thigh)3 and then it lay at her ,eet% $he )te--ed out o, it% Her eye) +ere )till )hut tight% !t +a) a) though i, )he couldn1t )ee u) then +e couldn1t )ee her% (Tie her again3( )aid Ruth% ! realiGed ! +a) holding my breath% Donny +alked around in ,ront o, her% $he -ut her hand) together ,or him and Donny )tarted to tie them% (No3( )aid Ruth% (Put them behind her thi) time%( &eg1) eye) ,la)hed o-en%
9>4
(0ehind me Ho+ am ! going to +a)h i,%% % I( Ruth )tood u-% ('oddammit Don1t you )a)) me3 girl !, ! )ay behind you then it1) behind you and i, ! )ay )tu,, 1em u- your a)) then you1ll do that too Don1t you )a)) me ou hearI 'oddammit 'oddamn you( (!1ll +a)h you2that1) ho+ No+ do a) ! )ay% Aa)t( nd you could )ee that &eg +a) )cared but )he didn1t re)i)t a) Donny took her arm) behind her and tied them at the +ri)t)% $he1d clo)ed her eye) again% Only thi) time there +ere little -ool) o, +et around them%
(ll right3 head her in3( )aid Ruth% Donny marched her do+n the narro+ hall+ay to the bathroom% We ,ollo+ed% The bathroom +a) )mall but all o, u) cro+ded in)ide% Woo,er )at on the ham-er% Willie leaned again)t the )ink% ! )tood next to him% !n the hall o--o)ite the bathroom there +a) a clo)et3 and Ruth +a) rummaging around in there% $he came out +ith a -air o, yello+ rubber glo*e)% $he -ut them on% They +ent all the +ay u- to her elbo+)% $he leaned o*er and turned on the ta- in the bathtub% The ta- marked (H( ,or hot% That ta- only% $he let it run a+hile% $he te)ted it +ith her hand3 letting it run do+n o*er the rubber glo*e% Her mouth +a) a grim )traight line% The +ater ran hard and )teaming% Pounded again)t the drain% Then )he thre+ the )etting to ($ho+er( and clo)ed the clear -la)tic curtain% The )team billo+ed u-% &eg1) eye) +ere )till )hut% Tear) )treaked do+n her ,ace% 3 ( The )team thre+ a mi)t o*er all o, u) no+% $uddenly &eg ,elt it% nd kne+ +hat it meant% i n $he o-ened her eye) and thre+ her)el, back3 ,rightened3 )creaming3 but Donny already had one arm and Ruth grabbed the other% $he ,ought them3 bucking and t+i)ting3 )creaming no no% nd )he +a) )trong% $he +a) )till )trong3 1/a/.
9B5
Ruth lo)t her gri-% ('od damn you( )he bello+ed% (ou +ant me to get your )i)terI ou +ant me to get your -reciou) $u)anI ou +ant her in here in)teadI 0urningI( &eg +hirled on her% $uddenly ,uriou)% Wild% !n)ane% (e)( )he )creamed% (e) ou bitch 'et $u)an 'et her h er ! don1t gi*e a damn anymore( Ruth looked at her3 eye) narro+ed% Then )he looked at Willie% $he )hrugged% ('et her3( )he )aid mildly% He didn1t ha*e to% ! turned a) he -a))ed me and then )a+ him )to- becau)e $u)an +a) there already3 +atching u)3 )tanding in the hall% nd )he +a) crying too% &eg )a+ her too% nd )he crumbled% (Nooooooo3( )he cried% (Nooooooo% Pleeea)e%%%( nd ,or a moment +e )tood )ilent in the +arm hea*y mi)t li)tening to the )calding )tream and to her )obbing% Kno+ing +hat +ould ha--en% Kno+ing ho+ it +ould be% Then Ruth thre+ the curtain a)ide% ('et her in3( )he )aid to Donny% (nd be care,ul o, your)el,%( ! +atched them -ut her in and Ruth ad/u)t the )ho+er noGGle to )end the )corching )-ray u- )lo+ly o*er her leg) and thigh) and belly and ,inally u- o*er her brea)t) to )hatter acro)) her ni--le) +hile her arm) )trained de)-erately to break ,ree behind her and e*ery+here the +ater hit +ent )uddenly red3 red3 the color o, -ain2and at la)t ! couldn1t )tand the )creaming%
9B9
0ut only once% ! didn1t run again% ,ter that day ! +a) like an addict3 and my drug +a) kno+ing% Kno+ing +hat +a) -o))ible% Kno+ing ho+ ,ar it could go% Where they1d dare to take it all% !t +a) al+ay) they% ! )tood out)ide3 or ,elt ! did% Arom both &eg and $u)an on the one )ide and the 7handler) on the other% !1d -artici-ated in nothing directly% !1d +atched% Ne*er touched% nd that +a) all% ) long a) ! maintained that )tance ! could imagine ! +a)3 i, not exactly blamele))3 not exactly cul-able either% !t +a) like )itting in a mo*ie% $ometime) it +a) a )cary mo*ie3 )ure2+here you +orried +hether the hero and heroine +ere going to make it through all right% 0ut /u)t that% Ju)t a mo*ie% ou1d get u- +hen it +a) o*er -ro-erly )cared and excited and +alk out o, the dark and lea*e it all behind% nd then )ometime) it +a) more like the kind o, mo*ie) that came along later in the $ixtie)2,oreign mo*ie)3 mo)tly2+here the dominant ,eeling you had +a) o, inhabiting )ome ,a)cinating3 hy-notic den)ity o, ob)cure illu)ion3 o, layer) and layer) o, meaning that in the end indicated a total ab)ence o, meaning3 +here actor) +ith cardboard ,ace) mo*ed -a))i*ely through )urreal nightmare land)ca-e)3 em-ty o, emotion)3 adri,t% "ike me% O, cour)e +e +rote and directed the)e mind2,ilm) o, our) a) +ell a) +atched them% $o ! )u--o)e it +a) ine*itable that +e add ad d to our ca)t o, character)% ! )u--o)e it +a) al)o ine*itable that Eddie 7rocker be our ,ir)t audition% !t +a) a bright )unny morning to+ard the end o, July3 three +eek) into &eg1) ca-ti*ity3 +hen ! ,ir)t +ent o*er and ,ound him there3 a !n the ,e+ day) )ince the )ho+er they1d let her kee- her clothe) on2there +ere bli)ter) and they +ere allo+ing them to heal2and they +ere treating her -retty +ell all told3 ,eeding her )ou- and )and+iche)3 gi*ing her +ater +hen )he +anted it% Ruth had e*en -ut )heet) o*er the air mattre)) and )+e-t the cigarette butt) o,, the ,loor% nd it +a) tough to )ay +hether Willie did more com-laining about hi) late)t toothache or about ho+ boring thing) had gotten% With Eddie3 that changed% $he )till had her clothe) on +hen ! got there2a -air o, ,aded /ean) and a blou)e2but they had her bound and gagged again3 lying on her )tomach o*er the +orktable3 each arm tied to one o, the leg) o, the table3 ,eet tied together on the ,loor% Eddie had one o, hi) Ked) o,, and +a) -ounding her a))% Then he1d uit ,or a +hile and Willie1d +ork on her back3 leg)3 and rear +ith a leather belt% They hit her hard%
9B=
Eddie e)-ecially%
Woo,er and Donny )tood +atching% ! +atched too% 0ut only brie,ly% ! didn1t like him there% Eddie +a) too much into it% !t +a) ,ar too ea)y to -icture him +alking do+n the )treet that day grinning at u) +ith the black)nake bet+een hi) teeth3 ,linging it o*er and o*er at u) until the )nake lay dead in the )treet% Thi) +a) the kid +ho +ould bite the head o,, a ,rog% Thi) +a) the kid +ho +ould /u)t a) )oon hit you in the head +ith a rock or +hack you in the ball) +ith a )tick a) look at you% Eddie +a) -a))ionate% !t +a) hot that day and the )+eat rolled o,, him3 )treamed out o, hi) clo)e2cut carrot2red hair and do+n acro)) hi) ,orehead% ) u)ual he had hi) )hirt o,, )o +e could )ee hi) great -hy)iue and the )mell o, hi) )+eat rolled o,, him too% He )melled )alty and )ticky2)+eet3 like old bad meat% ! didn1t )tay% ! +ent u-)tair)% $u)an +a) -utting together a /ig)a+ -uGGle on a kitchen table% There +a) a hal,2em-ty gla)) o, milk be)ide her% The tele*i)ion3 ,or once3 +a) )ilent% ou could hear the )la-) and laughter ,rom belo+% ! a)ked ,or Ruth% Ruth3 $u)an )aid3 +a) lying in the bedroom% One o, her headache)% $he1d been ha*ing them a lot lately% $o +e )at there )aying nothing% n othing% ! got my)el, a 0ud+ei)er ,rom the ,ridge% $u)an +a) doing -retty +ell on the -uGGle% $he had more than hal, o, it done% The -icture +a) called (Aur Trader) De)cending the &i))ouri3( by 'eorge 7aleb 0ingham and )ho+ed a grim gnarly old man in a ,unny -ointed ca- and a dreamy2,aced teenager in a canoe -addling do+n)tream at )un)et3 a black cat )itting tethered to the -ro+% $he had the edge) in and the cat and the canoe and mo)t o, the man and boy% There +a) only the )ky and the ri*er and )ome o, the tree) le,t no+% r/ ! +atched her ,it a -iece - iece into the ri*er% ! )i--ed the beer%
9B>
($o ho+ you doin1I( ! a)ked% $he didn1t look u-% (Aine3( )he )aid% ! heard laughter ,rom the )helter% $he tried another -iece% !t didn1t ,it% (That bother youI( ! )aid% ! meant the )ound)% (e)3( )he )aid% 0ut )he didn1t )ay it a) though it did% !t +a) /u)t a ,act o, li,e% ( lotI( a (8h2huh%( ! nodded% There +a) nothing much to )ay then a,ter that% ! +atched her and drank the beer% Pretty )oon )he had the boy com-leted and +a) +orking on the tree)% (! can1t make them )to-3 y1kno+I( ! )aid% (! kno+%( (Eddie1) there% Aor one thing%( (! kno+%( ! ,ini)hed the beer% (! +ould i, ! could3( ! )aid% ! +ondered i, it +a) true% $o did )he% (e)I( )he )aid%
nd ,or the ,ir)t time )he looked uu - at me3 eye) *ery mature and thought,ul% lot like her )i)ter1)% ( (7our)e ! +ould%( $he +ent back to the -uGGle again3 ,ro+ning%
9BB
(&aybe they1ll get tired3( ! )aid3 realiGing a) )oon a) ! )aid it ho+ lame that )ounded% $u)an didn1t an)+er% 0ut then a moment later the )ound) did )to- and ! heard he ard ,oot)te-) come u- the )tair)% !t +a) Eddie and Willie% 0oth o, them ,lu)hed3 )hirt) o-en% Willie1) middle a ,at3 dead2 +hite ugly roll% They ignored u) and +ent to the re,rigerator% ! +atched them crack a 7oke ,or Willie and a 0ud ,or Eddie and then -u)h thing) around looking ,or )omething to eat% ! gue)) there +a)n1t much becau)e they clo)ed it again% (ou gotta gi*e it to her3( Eddie +a) )aying% ($he don1t cry much% $he ain1t chicken%( !, ! had ,elt detached ,rom all thi)3 Eddie +a) in another realm entirely% Eddie1) *oice +a) like ice% !t +a) Willie +ho +a) ,at and an d ugly but it +a) Eddie +ho di)gu)ted me% Willie laughed% (That1) 1cau)e )he1) all cried out3( he )aid% (ou )hould1*e )een her a,ter her )crubbin1 the other day%( (eah% ! gue))% ou think +e )hould bring )omething do+n ,or Donny and Woo,erI( (They didn1t a)k ,or nothin1% They +ant it3 let 1em get it%( (! +i)h you had )ome ,ood3 man3( )aid Eddie%
nd they )tarted to +alk back do+n% They continued to ignore u)% That +a) ,ine +ith me% ! +atched them di)a--ear do+n the )tair+ell% ($o +hat are you gonna doI( )aid Eddie% ! ,elt hi) *oice dri,t u- at me like a +i)- o, toxic )moke% (Kill herI( ! ,roGe% (Nah3( )aid Willie% nd then he )aid )omething el)e but the )ound o, their ,oot)te-) on the )tair) dro+ned it out ,or u)% ! Kill herI ! ,elt the +ord) )lide along my )-ine% $omebody +alking o*er my gra*e3 my mother +ould )ay% "ea*e it to Eddie3 ! thought% "ea*e it to him%
9B<
To )tate the ob*iou)% !1d +ondered ho+ ,ar it could go3 ho+ it could end% Wondered it ob)curely3 like a mathematical -roblem3 / nd here +a) the unimaginable uietly imagined3 t+o kid) di)cu))ing it3 a 7oke and a beer in hand% ! thought o, Ruth lying in the bedroom +ith her )ick headache% ! thought o, ho+ they +ere do+n there all alone +ith her no+2+ith Eddie +ith them% !t could ha--en% e) it could% !t could ha--en ,a)t% lmo)t by accident% !t didn1t occur to me to +onder +hy ! )till euated Ruth +ith )u-er*i)ion% ! /u)t did% $he +a) )till an adult3 +a)n1t )heI dult) couldn1t let that ha--en3 could theyI ! looked at $u)an% !, )he1d heard +hat Eddie1d )aid )he ga*e no )ign% $he +orked on the -uGGle%
Hand) trembling3 a,raid to li)ten and /u)t a) )cared not to3 ! +orked +ith her%
He +a) there e*ery day a,ter that ,or about a +eek% On the )econd day hi) )i)ter Deni)e came too% Together they ,orce2,ed her cracker)3 +hich )he couldn1t really eat becau)e the gag had been on o*ernight again and they1d denied her +ater% Eddie got mad and )macked her acro)) the mouth +ith an aluminum curtain rod3 bending the rod and lea*ing a broad red +elt acro)) her cheek3 cutting her lo+er li-% The re)t o, the day they -layed tackle dummy again% Ruth +a) hardly e*er there% Her headache) came more and more ,reuently no+% $he com-lained about her )kin itching3 -articularly her ,ace and hand)% !t )eemed to me )he1d lo)t +eight% ,e*er bli)ter a--eared on her li- and )tayed ,or day)% E*en +ith the T# on you could al+ay) hear her coughing u-)tair)3 dee- do+n into her lung)% With Ruth not around the -rohibition again)t touching &eg di)a--eared% Deni)e +a) the one +ho )tarted it% Deni)e liked to -inch% $he had h ad )trong ,inger) ,or a girl her age% $he +ould + ould take &eg1) ,le)h and t+i)t it3 commanding her to cry% &o)t o, the time &eg +ouldn1t cry% That made Deni)e try harder% Her ,a*orite target) +ere &eg1) brea)t)2you could tell becau)e )he )a*ed them ,or la)t% nd then3 u)ually3 &eg +ould cry%
9B;
Willie liked to dra-e her o*er the table3 -ull do+n her -ant) and )mack her bottom% Woo,er1) thing +a) in)ect)% He1d -ut a )-ider or a thou)and2!egger on her belly and +atch her cringe% !t +a) Donny +ho )ur-ri)ed me% Whene*er he thought that no one +a) looking he1d run hi) hand) han d) acro)) her brea)t) or )ueeGe them )lightly or ,eel her bet+een her leg)% ! )a+ him -lenty o, time) but ! ne*er let on% He did it gently3 like a lo*er% nd once +hen the gag g ag +a) o,, ! e*en )a+ him h im ki)) her% !t +a) an a+k+ard ki)) but ! )ort o, tender and )trangely cha)te +hen you con)ider that he had her there to do anything he +anted to her% Then Eddie came in laughing one day +ith a dog turd in a -la)tic cu- and they held her do+n o*er the table +hile Woo,er -inched her no)tril) until )he had to o-en her mouth to breathe and Eddie )li--ed it in% nd that +a) the la)t time anybody ki))ed her% On Ariday that +eek ! had been +orking in the yard all a,ternoon until about ,our o1clock3 and +hen ! +ent o*er ! could hear the radio blaring ,rom the back2door landing3 )o ! +ent do+n and )a+ that the grou- had ex-anded again% Word had gotten around% Not only +ere Eddie and Deni)e there but Harry 'ray3 "ou and Tony &orino3 'lenn Knoll and e*en Kenny Robert)on2a doGen -eo-le cro+ded into that tiny )helter counting &eg and me2and Ruth +a) )tanding in the door+ay +atching3 )miling a) they )houldered and elbo+ed her back and ,orth bet+een them like a human -inball caught bet+een a doGen human ,li--er)% Her hand) +ere tied behind her% There +ere beer can) and 7oke) on the ,loor% 7igarette )moke hung o*er the room in thick gray dri,ting cloud)% t )ome -oint the radio -layed an old Jerry "ee "e+i) tune3 (0reathle))3( and e*erybody laughed and )tarted )inging% !t ended +ith &eg on the ,loor3 brui)ed and )obbing% We troo-ed u-)tair) ,or re,re)hment)% &y mo*ie ke-t rolling% Kid) came and +ent a,ter that all that ,ollo+ing +eek% 8)ually they did nothing but +atch but ! remember 'len Knoll and Harry 'ray making her into +hat they called a ()and+ich( one day2+hen Ruth +a)n1t around2rubbing again)t her ,rom ,ront and back +hile )he hung ,rom the line) )u)-ended ,rom the nail) in the beam) acro)) ac ro)) the ceiling% ! remember Tony &orino bringing Woo,er hal, a doGen garden )lug) to -ut all o*er her body% 0ut unle)) it hurt3 &eg +a) u)ually uiet u iet no+% ,ter the dog)hit incident it +a) hard to humiliate her% nd not much could )care her% $he )eemed re)igned% ) though maybe all
9B@
)he had to do +a) +ait and maybe +e1d all get bored by thi) e*entually and it +ould -a))% $he rarely rebelled% !, )he did +e1d /u)t call in $u)an% 0ut mo)t o, the time it didn1t come to that% $he1d climb out o, or into her clothe) -retty much on command no+% Out o, only +hen +e kne+ Ruth +a)n1t going to be around or i, Ruth her)el, )ugge)ted it3 +hich +a)n1t *ery o,ten%
nd much o, the time +e /u)t )at there around the +orktable3 -laying card) or 7lue and drinking 7oke) or looking through magaGine)3 talking3 and it +a) like &eg +a)n1t e*en there at all exce-t that +e1d )ay )omething to mock or )hame her no+ and then% bu)e that +a) ca)ual and ordinary% Her -re)ence com-elled u) in much the )ame -a))i*e +ay a tro-hy did2)he +a) the center-iece o, our clubhou)e% We )-ent mo)t o, our time there% !t +a) the middle o, )ummer but +e +ere all getting -a)ty ,rom )itting in the cellar% &eg /u)t )at or )tood there bound and )ilent3 and mo)tly +e a)ked nothing o, her% Then maybe )omebody +ould get an idea2a ne+ +ay to u)e her2and try it out% 0ut ba)ically it looked like maybe )he +a) right% &aybe +e1d /u)t get bored one day and )to- coming% Ruth )eemed -reoccu-ied +ith her)el, and her *ariou) -hy)ical ailment)2-reoccu-ied3 )trange and di)tant% nd +ithout her to ,eed the ,lame) our attention) to+ard &eg got more and more )-oradic3 le)) inten)e% !t occurred to me too that +e +ere +ell into ugu)t no+% !n $e-tember +e all )tarted )chool again% Willie3 Donny3 and ! +ere lea*ing ,or our ,ir)t term at a brand2ne+ /unior high3 &ount Holly3 com-leted /u)t thi) )ummer3 and &eg +ould be )tarting at the high )chool% !t +ould ha*e to end by then% !t only )tood to rea)on% ou could kee- a -er)on chained out o, )ight through )ummer *acation and no one +ould notice nece))arily% 0ut kee-ing a kid out o, )chool +a) )omething el)e% $o by $e-tember it +ould be o*er3 one +ay or another% $o maybe )he +a) right3 ! thought% &aybe all )he needed to do +a) +ait%
Then !1d think about +hat Eddie1d )aid% nd +orry that )he +a) real +rong indeed% !t +a) Eddie +ho ,ini)hed the clubhou)e% He did it by u--ing the ante again% There +ere t+o incident)% The ,ir)t one ha--ened on a rainy3 ugly day3 the kind o, day that )tart) out gray and ne*er get) beyond the color o, cream o, mu)hroom )ou- be,ore ,ading to black again% Eddie had )tolen t+o )ix2-ack) ,rom hi) ,ather and brought them along and he and Deni)e and Tony &orino chugged a ,e+ +hile Willie3 Woo,er3 Donny and ! +ent at our) more )lo+ly% $oon the three o, them +ere drunk and the )ix2-ack) gone and Willie +ent u-)tair) ,or more% Which +a) +hen Eddie decided he had to -i))% Which ga*e him an idea% He +hi)-ered it around%
9B:
When Willie came back he and Tony &orino took &eg do+n onto the ,loor and laid her on her back and tied her arm) tightly to the leg) o, the table% Deni)e grabbed hold o, her ,eet% They )-read )ome ne+)-a-er) under her head% Then Eddie -i))ed in her ,ace% !, &eg had not been tied to the table ! think )he1d ha*e tried to kill him% 0ut in)tead -eo-le +ere laughing +hile )he )truggled and ,inally )he )lum-ed back do+n and lay there% Then Donny got to thinking that Ruth +a)n1t going to like it much% They1d better clean thing) u-% $o they got &eg to her ,eet and tied her arm) behind her back and held her3 and Woo,er -icked u- the -a-er) and brought brough t them out)ide to the incinerator +hile Donny ran )ome +ater in the big cement )ink they had h ad in the cellar ,or draining out the +ater ,rom the +a)her% He dum-ed in a lot o, Tide% Then he came back and he and Tony and Willie marched her out o, the )helter into the ba)ement -ro-er o*er to the )ink% ! They -u)hed her head do+n into the )oa-y +ater and held her under3 laughing3 +hile Willie )crubbed her hair% !n a moment or t+o )he +a) )truggling% When they let her u- )he had to ga)- ,or air% 0ut )he +a) clean% Then Eddie got another idea% We had to rin)e her3 he )aid% He let out the +ater3 drained it3 and ran the rin)e +ater )traight2out hot3 /u)t a) Ruth had done in the )ho+er% Then3 alone3 he dunked her under% When he let her u- to the )ur,ace again her ,ace +a) lob)ter red and )he +a) )hrieking3 and Eddie1) hand +a) )o red you had to +onder ho+ he1d held it there% 0ut no+ )he +a) rin)ed% 7leaned and rin)ed% nd +ouldn1t Ruth be -lea)ed about thatI Ruth +a) ,uriou)% ll the next day )he ke-t cold com-re))e) o*er &eg1) eye)% There +a) )eriou) ,ear ,or her )ight% Her eye) +ere )o -u,,y )he could hardly o-en them3 and they ke-t ooGing liuid a +hole lot thicker than anybody1) tear) ought to be% Her ,ace looked )-lotched and horrible3 like )he1d contracted a mammoth ca)e o, -oi)on i*y% 0ut it +a) the eye) that +orried e*erybody%
9B4
We ke-t her on the air mattre))% We ,ed her%
Wi)ely3 Eddie )tayed a+ay% nd the next day )he +a) better% nd the next day better )till% nd the third day Eddie came back again% ! +a)n1t there that day2my ,ather had me o*er at the Eagle1) Ne)t2but ! heard about it ,a)t enough% !t )eemed that Ruth +a) u-)tair) lying do+n and they ,igured )he +a) a)lee-3 na--ing through another headache% Woo,er3 Donny and Willie +ere -laying 7raGy Eight) +hen Eddie and Deni)e +alked in% Eddie +anted to take o,, her clothe) again3 /u)t to look he )aid3 and e*erybody agreed% He +a) uiet3 calm% Drinking a 7oke% They )tri--ed her and gagged her and tied her ,aceuacro)) the +orktable3 only thi) time they tied each o, her ,eet to one o, the table leg) a) +ell% Eddie1) idea% He +anted to )-read her% They le,t her a+hile +hile the game o, card) +ent on and Eddie ,ini)hed hi) 7oke% Then Eddie tried to -ut the 7oke bottle u- in)ide her% ! gue)) they +ere all )o amaGed and in*ol*ed +ith +hat he +a) doing that they didn1t hear Ruth come do+n behind them becau)e +hen )he +alked through the door there +a) Eddie +ith the li- o, the green 7oke bottle already in)ide her and e*erybody cro+ded around% Ruth took one look and )tarted )creaming ho+ nobody +a) )u--o)ed to touch her3 nobody3 )he +a) dirty3 )he had di)ea)e)3 and Eddie and Deni)e got the hell out o, there3 ,a)t3 lea*ing her to rail at Woo,er and Willie and Donny% nd the re)t o, thi) ! got ,rom Donny% Donny %
nd Donny )aid he +a) )cared% 0ecau)e Ruth +ent really bonker)% $he raged around the room tearing at thing) and /abbering craGy )tu,, about ho+ )he ne*er got out anymore3 not to a mo*ie or dinner or dancing or -artie)3 all )he e*er did +a) )it here minding the)e goddamn ,ucking kid)3 cleaning3 ironing3 making lunch and break,a)t3 ho+ )he +a) getting old in there3 old3 her good year) gone3 her body gone all to hell on her2all the time )lamming at the +all) and the +ire2me)h )creen o*er the +indo+ and the +orktable3 kicking Eddie1) 7oke bottle until it )ma)hed again)t the +all%
9<5
nd then )he )aid )omething like and you you to &eg and )tared at her ,uriou) like it +a) her ,ault that Ruth1) body +a) going and )he couldn1t go out anymore and called her a +hore and a )lut and no2good ,ucking tra)h2and then hauled o,, and kicked her3 t+ice3 bet+een her leg)% nd no+ )he had brui)e) there% Terrible brui)e)% "uckily3 )aid Donny3 Ruth had been +earing )li--er)% ! could -icture it% ! had a dream that night3 the night he told me% ! +a) home +atching tele*i)ion and the ,ight) +ere on3 $ugar Ray Robin)on again)t )ome big ungainly namele)) ,acele)) +hite guy3 and my ,ather +a) a)lee- next to me )noring in the o*er)tu,,ed chair +hile ! )at +atching ,rom the couch3 and a)ide ,rom the light ,rom the T# )et it +a) dark in the hou)e and ! +a) tired3 *ery tired2and then thing) )+itched and ! +a) )uddenly actually at the ,ight)3 ! +a) ring)ide3 +ith -eo-le cheering around me3 and $ugar Ray +a) +ading in at the guy in that +ay he had3 mo*ing like a tank3 ,lat2,ooted3 )+inging% !t +a) exciting% $o ! +a) cheering ,or $ugar Ray and ! looked around ,or my ,ather to )ee i, he +a) cheering too but he +a) dead a)lee- in the )eat be)ide me /u)t a) he1d been on the couch3 )inking )lo+ly to the ,loor% (Wake u-3( my mother )aid3 nudging him% ! gue)) )he1d been there all along but ! hadn1t )een her there% (Wake u-3( )he )aid% 0ut he didn1t% nd ! looked back to the ring and in)tead o, $ugar Ray it +a) &eg in)ide the ring3 &eg a) !1d ,ir)t )een her )tanding by the brook that day da y in )hort) and a -ale )lee*ele)) blou)e3 her -ony2tail red a) ,lame )+inging back and ,orth behind her a) )he -ounded at the guy3 -ounded him% nd ! )tood u-3 cheering3 )creaming% (&eg &eg &eg( ! +oke u- crying% &y -illo+ )oaked +ith tear)% ! ,elt con,u)ed% Why )hould ! be cryingI ! +a)n1t ,eeling anything% ! +ent to my -arent)1 room% They had )e-arate bed) no+% They1d had them ,or year)% ) in the dream3 my ,ather +a) )noring% &y mother )le-t )ilently be)ide him% ! +alked to my mother1) bed and )tood there +atching her3 a dainty little dark2haired +oman +ho looked younger at that moment3 )lee-ing3 than ! think !1d e*er )een her% The room )melled thick +ith their )lee-3 the mu)ty odor o, breathing%
9<9
! +anted to +ake her% ! +anted to tell her% E*erything% $he +a) the only one ! could tell%
(&omI( ! )aid% et ! )aid it *ery *e ry uietly3 -art o, me )till too )cared or too un+illing to ri)k di)turbing her% Tear) +ere rolling do+n my cheek)% c heek)% &y no)e +a) running% ! )ni,,led% The )ni,,ling )ounded louder to me than my *oice did calling her% (&omI( $he )hi,ted3 moaning )lightly% .H ! had only to try one more time3 ! thought3 in order to +ake her% nd then ! thought o, &eg3 alone in the long dark night o, the )helter3 lying there% Hurting% Then ! )a+ the dream% ! ,elt )omething clutch at me% ! couldn1t breathe% ! ,elt a )udden diGGying3 ri)ing horror% The room +ent black% ! ,elt my)el, ex-loding% nd ! kne+ my -art in thi)% &y dull3 carele)) betrayal% &y e*il% ! ,elt the )ob come at me huge and in*oluntary a) a i )cream% !t ,elt like a )cream% ! co*ered my mouth and ran )tumbling ,rom the room3 ,ell huddled to my knee) in the hall out)ide their door% ! )at there )haking3 crying% ! couldn1t )to- crying% ! )at there a *ery long time% They didn1t +aken% When ! got to my ,eet it +a) nearly morning%
! +ent to my room% Through the +indo+ ,rom my bed ! +atched the night turn dee-e)t black and then a rich dark blue%
9<=
&y thought) )-un round and round3 di*ing through me like the morning )-arro+) ,lying o,, the ea*e)% ! )at and kne+ my)el, entirely and an d calmly +atched the )unri)e%
!t hel-ed that ,or no+ at lea)t the other) +ere excluded% ! needed to talk to her% ! had to con*ince her !1d ,inally hel-% !1d get her to run a+ay a +ay +ith or +ithout $u)an% ! couldn1t )ee that $u)an +a) in )o much danger anyho+% Nothing had ha--ened to her )o ,ar exce-t )ome )-anking)3 at lea)t nothing !1d )een% !t +a) &eg +ho +a) in trouble% 0y no+3 ! thought3 )he1) got to ha*e realiGed that% !t +a) both ea)ier and harder than ! ex-ected% Harder becau)e ! ,ound out ! +a) excluded too% (&y mom doe)n1t +ant anybody around3( )aid Donny% We +ere hiking o*er to the 7ommunity Pool3 our ,ir)t day there in +eek)% !t +a) hot +ith no breeGe and three block) ,rom our )treet +e +ere )+eating% (Ho+ comeI ! didn1t do anything% Why meI( We rode along a do+n)lo-e% We coa)ted a+hile% (!t1) not that% ou hear +hat Tony &orino didI( (What%( (He told hi) mother%( (WhatI( (eah% The little )hit% Hi) brother3 "ouie3 let u) onto it% ! mean3 not e*erything% e* erything% ! gue)) he couldn1t tell her e*erything% 0ut enough% Told her +e had &eg in the cellar%
Told her Ruth called her a +hore and a )lut and beat u- on her%( (Je)u)% What1d )he )ayI(
9<>
Donny laughed% ("ucky ,or u) the &orino1) are real )trict 7atholic)% Hi) mom )aid )he -robably de)er*ed it3 )he1) -robably loo)e or )omething% $he $h e )aid -arent) ha*e a right and an d Ruth1) her mother no+% $o you kno+ +hat +e didI( (WhatI( (&e and Willie -retended +e didn1t kno+% We got Tony to come along +ith u) out to 0leeker1) Aarm3 the +ood) back there% He doe)n1t kno+ the -lace at all% We got him lo)t and then +e ditched him back in the )+am-)% Took him t+o and a hal, hour) to ,ind hi) +ay out and get home and by then it +a) dark% 0ut you kno+ the be)t -art about itI Hi) mom beat the cra- out o ut o, him ,or mi))ing dinner and coming home ,ull o, )+am- muck and )hit% Hi) mom( We laughed% We -ulled into the ne+ly -oured dri*e+ay by the Recreation building and -arked our bike) at the bike )tand and +alked acro)) the )ticky3 )+eet2)melling tarmac to the -ool% We )ho+ed our -la)tic badge) at the gate% The -ool +a) cro+ded% "ittle kid) kicking and )-la)hing in the )hallo+) like a )chool o, -iranha% The baby -ool -oo l ,ull o, mom) and dad) guiding along their in,ant)3 -udgy ,inger) clutching duckie)and2dragon) inner tube)% There +ere long im-atient line) at the di*ing board) and re,re)hment )tand% ello+/acket) in e*ery tra)hcan )+arming through ice2cream +ra--er) and )oda% The )creaming and )-la)hing and yelling +hile e*erybody ran around the ,enced2in gra)) and concrete +a) dea,ening% The li,eguard1) +hi)tle )eemed to )hriek about e*ery thirty )econd)% We thre+ o,, our to+el) and +ent o*er to the eight2,oot )ection and )at +ith our leg) dangling do+n in the chlorine2)melling +ater% ($o +hat1) that got to do +ith meI( ! a)ked him% He )hrugged% (! dunno3( he )aid% (&y mom1) all +orried no+% That )omebody1) going to tell%( (&eI JeeG3 ! +on1t tell3( ! )aid% Picturing my)el, in the dark3 )tanding o*er my )lee-ing mother% (ou kno+ ! +on1t tell%( (! kno+% Ruth1) /u)t +eird the)e day)%( ! couldn1t -u)h it ,urther% Donny +a)n1t a) )tu-id a) hi) brother% He kne+ me% He1d kno+ i, ! +a) -u)hing and +onder% $o ! +aited% We )-la)hed +ith our ,eet%
9
("ook3( he )aid3 (!1ll talk to her3 all rightI !t1) bull)hit% ou been comin1 o*er our hou)e ,or ho+ many year) no+I( ( lot%( ($o )cre+ it% !1ll talk to her% "et1) get +et%( We )li--ed into the -ool% The -art that +a) ea)y +a) con*incing &eg to go% There +a) a rea)on ,or that% Aor one la)t time3 ! told my)el,3 ! +a) going to ha*e to )tand and +atch3 +aiting ,or the moment ! could )-eak% nd then !1d con*ince her% ! e*en had a -lan in mind% nd then it +ould be o*er% !1d ha*e to -retend ! +a) +ith them no matter +hat2that it didn1t matter% One la)t time%
et it almo)t didn1t ha--en% 0ecau)e that one la)t time +a) nearly enough to -u)h J u) both o*er the edge% That la)t time +a) horrible%
!t1) okay3( Donny told me the ,ollo+ing day% (&y mom )ay) it1) okay to come%( (7ome +hereI( )aid my mother% $he +a) )tanding behind me at the kitchen counter3 cho--ing onion)% Donny )tood on the -orch behind the )creen% With me in the +ay he hadn1t noticed her% The kitchen reeked o, onion)% (Where are you goingI( )he )aid% ! looked at him% He thought ,a)t% (We1re gonna try to get u- to $-arta next $aturday3 &r)% &oran% $ort o, a ,amily -icnic% We thought maybe Da*id could come too% Would that be all rightI(
9<<
(! don1t )ee +hy not3( )aid my mother3 )miling% Donny +a) un,ailingly -olite to her +ithout being obnoxiou) about it and )he liked him ,or that though )he had no u)e at all3 really3 ,or the re)t o, the ,amily% ('reat Thank)3 &r)% &oran% $ee you later3 Da*id3( he )aid% $o in a little +hile ! +ent o*er% o *er% Ruth +a) back into The 'ame% $he looked terrible% There +ere )ore) on her ,ace and you kne+ )he1d been )cratching them becau)e t+o +ere already )cabbed o*er% Her hair +a) oily3 lim-3 ,lecked +ith dandru,,% The thin cotton )hi,t looked a) though )he1d been )lee-ing in it ,or day)% nd no+ ! +a) )ure )he1d lo)t +eight% ou could )ee it in her ,ace2the hollo+) under the eye)3 the )kin -ulled tight acro)) the cheekbone)% $he +a) )moking a) u)ual3 )itting in a ,olding chair ,acing &eg% There +a) a hal,2eaten tuna )and+ich on a -a-er -late be)ide her and )he +a) u)ing it a) an a)htray% T+o Tareyton butt) -oked u- out o, the )agging +et +hite bread% $he +a) +atching attenti*ely3 leaning ,or+ard in the chair3 eye) narro+ed% nd ! thought o, the +ay )he looked +hen )he +a) +atching her game )ho+) on T#3 )ho+) like T+enty2One% 7harle) #an Doren3 the Engli)h teacher ,rom 7olumbia3 had /u)t been called a cheat ,or +inning S9=43555 on the )ho+ the +eek be,ore% Ruth had been incon)olable% ) though )he +a) cheated too% 0ut )he +atched &eg no+ n o+ +ith the )ame thought,ul inten)ity a) +hen #an Doren +a) in hi) )ound-roo, booth% Playing along% While Woo,er -oked &eg +ith hi) -ocketkni,e% They had hung her ,rom the ceiling again3 and )he +a) u- on her toe)3 )training3 *olume) o, the World 0ook )cattered at her ,eet% $he +a) naked% $he +a) dirty3 )he +a) brui)ed% Her )kin had a -allor no+ beneath the )heen o, )+eat% 0ut none o, that mattered% !t )hould ha*e3 but it didn1t% The magic2the )mall cruel magic o, )eeing her that +ay2ho*ering o*er me ,or a moment like a )-ell% $he +a) all ! kne+ o, )ex% nd all ! kne+ o, cruelty% Aor a moment ! ,elt it ,lood me like a heady +ine% ! +a) +ith them again%
nd then ! looked at Woo,er% -int2)iGed *er)ion o, me3 or +hat ! could be3 +ith a kni,e in hi) hand%
9<;
No +onder Ruth +a) concentrating% They all +ere3 Willie and Donny too3 nobody )aying a +ord3 becau)e a kni,e +a)n1t a )tra- or a belt or a )tream o, hot +ater3 kni*e) could hurt you yo u )eriou)ly3 -ermanently3 and Woo,er +a) )mall enough to only /u)t barely under)tand that3 to kno+ that death and in/ury could ha--en but not to )en)e the con)euence)% They +ere )kating thin ice and they kne+ it% et they let it go% They +anted it to ha--en% They +ere educating% ! didn1t need the le))on)% $o ,ar there +a)n1t any blood but ! kne+ there +a) e*ery chance that there +ould be3 it +a) /u)t a matter o, time% E*en behind the gag and blind,old you could )ee that &eg +a) terri,ied% Her che)t and )tomach hea*ed +ith ,it,ul breathing% The )car on her arm )tood out like /agged lightning% He -oked her in the belly% On her toe) the +ay )he +a)3 there +a) no +ay )he could back a+ay ,rom him% $he /u)t /erked again)t the ro-e) con*ul)i*ely% Woo,er giggled and -oked her belo+ the na*el% Ruth looked at me and nodded nod ded a greeting and lit another Tareyton% ! recogniGed &eg1) mother1) +edding +ed ding band ,itting loo)e on her ring ,inger% Woo,er )lid the blade o*er &eg1) ribcage and -oked her arm-it% He did it )o ,a)t and )o reckle))ly ! ke-t looking ,or a line o, blood along her rib)% 0ut that time )he +a) lucky% ! )a+ )omething el)e though%
(What1) thatI( (What1) +hatI( )aid Ruth di)tractedly% (On her leg there%( (There +a) a red t+o2inch +edge2)ha-ed mark on her thigh3 /u)t abo*e the knee% $he -u,,ed the Tareyton% $he didn1t an)+er% Willie did% (&om +a) ironing3( he )aid% ($he ga*e u) )ome )hit )o &om hea*ed the iron at her% $kinned her% No big deal3 exce-t no+ the iron1) bu)ted%( (No big deal my a))3( )aid Ruth%
9<@
$he meant the iron% &ean+hile Woo,er )lid the kni,e back do+n to &eg1) belly% Thi) time he nicked her /u)t at the bottom o, the ribcage% (Whoo-)3( he )aid% He turned to look at Ruth% Ruth )tood u-% $he took a drag on the cigarette and ,licked o,, the a)h% Then )he +alked o*er% Woo,er backed a+ay% (Dammit3 Ral-hie3( )he )aid% (!1m )orry3( he )aid% He let go o, the kni,e% !t clattered to the ,loor% ou could )ee he +a) )cared% 0ut her tone +a) a) blank a) her ,ace% ($hit3( )he )aid% (No+ +e got to cauteriGe%( $he li,ted the cigarette% ! looked a+ay% ! heard &eg )cream behind the gag3 a )hrill thin mu,,led )hriek that turned abru-tly into a +ail%
($hut u-3( )aid Ruth% ($hut u- or !1ll do it again%( &eg couldn1t )to-% ! ,elt my)el, trembling% ! )tared at the bare concrete +all% Hold on3 ! thought3 ! heard the hi))% ! heard her )cream% ! could )mell the burning% ! looked and )a+ Ruth +ith the cigarette in one hand +hile the other cu--ed her brea)t through the gray cotton dre))% The hand +a) kneading% ! )a+ the burn mark) clo)e together under &eg1) rib)3 her body bathed in )udden )+eat%
9<:
! )a+ Ruth1) hand mo*e roughly o*er her +rinkled dre)) to -re)) bet+een her leg) a) )he grunted and )+ayed and the cigarette dri,ted ,or+ard once again% ! +a) going to blo+ it% ! kne+ it% ! could ,eel it building% bu ilding% ! +a) going to ha*e to do )omething3 )ay )omething% nything to )to- the burning% ! clo)ed my eye) and )till ! )a+ Ruth1) hand clutch at the -lace bet+een her leg)% The )cent o, burning ,le)h +a) all around me% &y )tomach lurched% ! turned and heard &eg )cream and )cream again and then )uddenly Donny +a) )aying &om &om &om in a *oice that +a) hu)hed and )uddenly ,illed +ith ,ear% ! couldn1t under)tand% nd then ! heard it% The knocking% There +a) )omeone at the door% The ,ront door% ! looked at Ruth% $he +a) )taring at &eg and her ,ace +a) -eace,ul and relaxed3 unconcerned and di)tant% $lo+ly )he rai)ed the cigarette to her li-) and took a long dee- drag% Ta)ting her%
! ,elt my )tomach lurch again% ! heard the knocking% ('et it3( )he )aid% ('o )lo+% 'o ea)y%( $he )tood uietly +hile Willie and Donny glanced at one another and then +ent u-)tair)% Woo,er looked at Ruth and then at &eg% He )eemed con,u)ed3 )uddenly /u)t a little boy again +ho +anted to be told +hat to do% $hould ! go or )hould ! )tayI 0ut there +a)n1t any hel- ,or him3 not +ith Ruth that +ay% $o ,inally he made u- hi) o+n mind% He ,ollo+ed hi) brother)% ! +aited until he +a) gone% (RuthI( ! )aid% $he didn1t )eem to hear me% RuthI(
9<4
$he /u)t ke-t )taring% (Don1t you think %% % I ! mean3 i, it1) )omebody%% $hould you be lea*ing it to themI To Willie and DonnyI( (HmmmI( $he looked at me but !1m not )ure )he )a+ me% !1*e ne*er )een anyone ,eel )o em-ty% 0ut thi) +a) my chance% &aybe my only chance% ! kne+ ! had to -u)h her% (Don1t you think you ought to handle it3 RuthI $u--o)e it1) &r% Jenning) againI( (WhoI( (&r% Jenning)% O,,icer Jenning)% The co-)3 Ruth%( (Oh%( (! can %% % +atch her ,or you%( (Watch herI( ll (To make )ure )he doe)n1t%%%(
(e)% 'ood% Watch her% 'ood idea% Thank you3 Da*y%( $he )tarted to+ard the door+ay3 her mo*ement) )lo+ and dreamlike% Then )he turned% nd no+ her *oice +a) tight )har-3 her back )traight% Her eye) )eemed )hattered +ith re,lected light% (ou1d better not ,uck u-3( )he )aid% (WhatI( $he -re))ed her ,inger to her li-) and )miled% (One )ound do+n here and ! -romi)e !1ll kill the both o, you% Not -uni)h you% Kill you% Dead% ou got that3 Da*yI re +e )traight about thatI( (e)%( (ou )ureI( (e) ma1am%(
9;5
('ood% #ery good%( $he turned and then ! heard her )li--er) )hu,,ling u- the )tair)% ! heard *oice) ,rom abo*e but couldn1t make them out% ! turned to &eg% ! )a+ +here )he1d burned her the third time% Her right brea)t% (Oh Je)u)3 &eg3( ! )aid% ! +ent to her% (!t1) Da*id% ! )li--ed o,, the blind,old )o )he could )ee me% Her eye) +ere +ild% (&eg3( ! )aid% (&eg3 li)ten% "i)ten -lea)e% Plea)e don1t make any noi)e% ou heard +hat )he )aidI $he1ll do it3 &eg% Plea)e don1t )cream or anything3 okayI ! +ant to hel- you% There1) not much time% "i)ten to me% !1ll take o,, the gag3 all rightI ou +on1t )creamI !t +on1t hel-% !t could be anybody u- there% The *on lady% Ruth can talk her +ay out o, it% $he can talk her +ay out o, anything% 0ut !1m going to get you out o, here3 you under)tand meI !1m going to get you out( ! +a) talking a mile a minute but ! couldn1t )to-% ! )li--ed o,, the gag )o )he could an)+er% $he licked her li-)% (Ho+I( )he )aid% Her *oice a tiny -ain,ul ra)- o, )ound% (Tonight% "ate% When they1re a)lee-% !t1) got to look like you did it on your o+n% 0y your)el,% OkayI( $he nodded% (!1*e got )ome money3( ! )aid% (ou1ll be okay% nd ! can hang around here and make )ure nothing ha--en) to $u)an% Then maybe +e can ,igure out )ome +ay to get her a+ay too% 'o back to the co-)3 maybe% $ho+ them %% % thi)% (ll rightI( (ll right%( (ll right% Tonight% ! -romi)e%( ! heard the )creened ,ront door )lam )hut and ,oot)te-) cro)) the li*ing room3 heard them coming do+n the )tair)% ! gagged her again% ! )li--ed on the blind,old% !t +a) Donny and Willie% They glared at me% (Ho+1d you kno+I( a)ked Donny%
9;9
(Kno+ +hatI( (Did you tell himI( (Tell +hoI Tell him +hatI What are you talking aboutI( (Don1t hack around +ith me3 Da*id% Ruth )aid you told her it might be Jenning) at the door%(
($o +ho the hell do you think it +a)3 a)) ,ace Oh Je)u)3 ! thought% Oh )hit% nd !1d begged her not to )cream% We could ha*e )to--ed it then and there% ! had to -lay it through ,or them though% (ou1re kidding3( ! )aid% (!1m not kidding%( (&r% Jenning)I &y 'od3 it +a) /u)t a gue))%( (Pretty good gue))3( )aid Willie% (!t +a) /u)t a thing to )ay to get her%% %( ('et her +hatI( 8- there ! thought% (To get her mo*ing again% 7hri)t3 you )a+ her% $he +a) like a ,ucking Gombie do+n here( They looked at each other% ($he did get -retty +eird3( )aid Donny% Willie )hrugged% (eah% ! gue)) )o%( ! +anted to kee- them going% $o they +ouldn1t think about my being here alone +ith her% (What1d you )ayI( ! a)ked%
9;=
(Wa) he a,ter &egI( ($ort o,3( )aid Donny% ($aid he /u)t dro--ed by to )ee ho+ the nice young girl) +ere doing% $o +e )ho+ed him $u)an in her room% $aid &eg +a) out )ho--ing% $u)an didn1t )ay a +ord o, cour)e2didn1t dare to% $o ! gue)) he bought it% $eemed kinda uncom,ortable% Kinda )hy ,or a co-%( (Where1) your momI( ($he )aid )he +anted to lie do+n a+hile%( (What1ll you do ,or dinnerI( !t +a) an inane thing to )ay but the ,ir)t thing ! thought o,%
! had a -enlight ,la)hlight3 a -ocketkni,e and thirty )e*en dollar) in )no+2)ho*eling money in my -ocket% ! +ore )neaker) and /ean) and the T2)hirt my mother1d dyed black ,or me a,ter El*i) +ore one in "o*ing ou% 0y the time ! cro))ed the dri*e+ay to their yard the T2)hirt +a) -la)tered to my back like a )econd )kin% The hou)e +a) dark% ! )te--ed u- onto the -orch and +aited3 li)tening% The night +a) )till and clear beneath a three2uarter moon% The 7handler hou)e )eemed to breathe at me3 creaking like the bone) o, a )lee-ing old +oman% !t +a) )cary% Aor a moment ! +anted to ,orget about thi)3 go home and get into bed and -ull u- the co*er)% ! +anted to be in another to+n entirely% ll that e*ening !1d ,anta)iGed my mother or my ,ather )aying3 +ell Da*id3 ! don1t kno+ ho+ to break thi) to you but +e1re mo*ing% No )uch luck% ! ke-t )eeing my)el, getting caught on the )tair)% $uddenly the light +ould go on and there +ould be Ruth abo*e me -ointing a )hotgun% ! doubt they e*en o+ned a gun% 0ut ! )a+ it any+ay% O*er and o*er like a record )tuck in the ,inal groo*e% ou1re nut)3 ! ke-t thinking%
9;>
0ut !1d -romi)ed% nd a) ,rightening a) thi) +a)3 today had )cared me more% "ooking at Ruth !1d ,inally )een all the +ay through to the end o, it% 7learly and unmi)takably% !1d ,inally )een &eg dying%
! don1t kno+ ho+ long ! )tood there +aiting on the -orch% "ong enough to hear the tall Ro)e o, $haron )cra-e the hou)e in a gentle breeGe3 to become a+are o, the ,rog) croaking ,rom the brook and the cricket) in the +ood)% "ong enough ,or my eye) to ad/u)t to the darkne)) and ,or the normalcy o, ,rog) and cricket) )-eaking to each other in the night to calm me% $o that a,ter a +hile +hat ! ,inally ,elt +a) not )o much the )heer terror !1d )tarted +ith a) excitement2excitement at ,inally doing )omething3 )omething ,or &eg and ,or my)el,3 and )omething no one ! kne+ had e*er done% !t hel-ed me to think about that% bout the moment2by2moment -re)ent2ten)e reality o, +hat ! +a) doing% !, ! did that ! could make it into a )ort o, game% ! +a) breaking b reaking into a hou)e at night and -eo-le +ere )lee-ing% That +a) all% Not dangerou) -eo-le% Not Ruth% Not the 7handler)% Ju)t -eo-le% ! +a) a cat burglar% 7ool and care,ul and )tealthy% No one +a) going to catch me% Not tonight and not e*er% ! o-ened the outer )creen door% !t made barely a +him-er% The inner door +a) trickier% !t) +ood had ex-anded +ith humidity% ! turned the handle and -re))ed my ,inger) again)t the door/amb3 my thumb again)t the door% ! -u)hed )lo+ly3 gently% !t groaned% ! -u)hed harder and more )teadily% ! held tight to the handle3 kee-ing a )light back+ard -re))ure )o that +hen it did o-en it +ouldn1t -o- and )hudder% !t groaned )ome more%
! +a) )ure the entire hou)e +a) hearing thi)% E*erybody% ! )till could run i, ! had to% !t +a) good to kno+% Then all o, a )udden it o-ened% With e*en le)) noi)e than the )creen had made% ! li)tened% ( ! )te--ed in)ide onto on to the landing% a ! turned on the -enlight% The )tair) +ere cluttered +ith rag)3 mo-)3 bru)he)3 -ail)2)tu,, Ruth u)ed ,or cleaning3 along +ith /ar) o,
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nail) and -aint can) and thinner% "uckily mo)t o, it lined /u)t the one on e )ide3 the )ide o--o)ite the +all% ! kne+ the )tair) +ere going to be ,irme)t and lea)t creaky right next to the +all3 +here they1d ha*e )u--ort% !, ! +a) going to get caught thi) +a) the likelie)t -lace3 the -lace there1d be the mo)t noi)e% ! )te--ed do+n care,ully% t each )tair !1d )toand li)ten% !1d *ary the time bet+een )te-) )o there1d be no rhythm to it% 0ut each )tair had it) )ay% 1!t took ,ore*er% Then ,inally ! +a) at the bottom% 0y then my heart ,elt ready to bur)t% ! couldn1t belie*e they hadn1t heard me% ! cro))ed to the )helter door% The ba)ement )melled o, dam- and milde+ and laundry2and )omething like )-ilt )our milk% ! thre+ the bolt a) uietly and e*enly a) -o))ible% &etal )uealed again)t metal all the )ame% ! o-ened the door and )te--ed in)ide% !t +a) only then3 ! think3 that ! remembered +hat ! +a) doing here in the ,ir)t -lace%
&eg )at in the corner on o n her air mattre))3 her back again)t the +all3 +aiting% !n the thin beam o, light ! could )ee ho+ ,rightened )he +a)% nd ho+ badly the day had gone ,or her% They1d gi*en her a thin rum-led )hirt to -ut on and that +a) all% Her leg) +ere bare% Willie had been at them +ith the kni,e% There +ere line) and )cratche) cri))cro))ed acro)) her thigh) and do+n her cal*e) almo)t to her ankle)% There +a) blood on the )hirt a) +ell% Dried blood mo)tly2but not all% $ome o, it )ee-ing through% $he )tood u-% $he +alked to+ard me and ! could )ee a ,re)h brui)e on her tem-le% Aor all o, that )he )till looked ,irm and ready%
9;<
$he )tarted to )ay )omething but ! -ut my ,inger to my li-)3 hu)hing her% (!1ll lea*e the bolt and the back door o-en3( ! +hi)-ered% (They1ll think they /u)t ,orgot% 'i*e me maybe a hal, an hour% $tay to the +all )ide on the )tair) and try not to run% Donny1) ,a)t% He1d catch you% Here%( ! dug into my -ocket and handed her the money% $he looked at it% Then )he )hook her head% (0etter not3( )he +hi)-ered% (!, )omething goe) +rong and they ,ind it on me they1ll kno+ )omebody1) been here% We1d ne*er get another chance% "ea*e it ,or me%%%( $he thought ,or a moment% ("ea*e it at the 0ig Rock% Put a )tone on to- o, it or )omething% !1ll ,ind it3 don1t +orry%( (Where +ill you goI( ! )aid%
(! don1t kno+% Not yet% 0ack to &r% Jenning) maybe% Not too ,ar% ! +ant to )tay clo)e to $u)an% !1ll ,ind a +ay to let 1> you kno+ a) )oon a) ! can%( a (ou +ant the ,la)hlightI( $he )hook her head again% (! kno+ the )tair)% ou kee- it% 'o ahead% 'o% 'et out o, here%( ! turned to lea*e% (Da*idI( ! turned again and )he +a) )uddenly next to me3 reaching u-% ! )a+ the tear) gleam bright in her eye) /u)t a) )he clo)ed them and ki))ed me% Her li-) +ere battered3 b attered3 broken3 cha--ed and torn% They +ere the )o,te)t3 mo)t beauti,ul thing) that had e*er touched me3 that ! had e*er touched% ! ,elt my o+n tear) come all in a ru)h% ('od !1m )orry3 &eg% !1m )orry%( ! could barely get it out% ll ! could do +a) )tand there and )hake my head and a)k her to ,orgi*e me% (Da*id3( )he )aid%
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(Da*id% Thank you% What you do la)t2that1) +hat count)%( ! looked at her% !t +a) a) though ! +ere drinking her in3 a) though ! +ere )omeho+ becoming her% ! +i-ed my eye)3 my ,ace% ! nodded and turned to go% Then ! had a thought% (Wait3( ! )aid% ! )te--ed out)ide the )helter and ran the ,la)hlight beam acro)) the +all)% ! ,ound +hat ! +a) looking ,or% ! took the tire iron o,, the nail) and +alked back and handed it to her% (!, you need to3( ! )aid%
$he nodded% ('ood luck3 &eg3( ! )aid and uietly clo)ed the door% nd then ! +a) in the mid)t o, it again3 in the clo)e /arring )ilence o, the )lee-ing hou)e3 mo*ing )lo+ly u-+ard to the door+ay3 +eighing each )te- again)t the creaking o, bed) and the +hi)-er) o, the branche) o, tree)% nd then ! +a) out the door% ! ran acro)) the yard to the dri*e+ay3 cut through to the back o, my hou)e and into the +ood)% The moon +a) bright but ! kne+ the -ath +ithout the moon% ! heard the +ater ru)hing ,ull by the brook% t the Rock ! )too-ed to -ick u- )ome )tone) and lo+ered my)el, care,ully do+n o*er the embankment% The )ur,ace o, the +ater gleamed in the moonlight3 )hattered o*er the rock)% ! )te--ed onto the Rock and dug into my -ocket3 -ut the money in a -ile and +eighed it do+n +ith a )mall neat -yramid o, )tone)% On the embankment ! looked back% The money and the )tone) looked -agan to me3 like an o,,ering% Through the rich green )cent o, lea*e) ! ran home%
nd then ! )at in bed and li)tened to my o+n hou)e )lee-ing% ! thought it +ould be im-o))ible to )lee- but ! hadn1t counted cou nted on )train and exhau)tion% ! dro--ed o,, /u)t a,ter da+n3 my -illo+ dam- +ith )+eat%
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! )le-t badly2and late% ! looked at the clock and it +a) almo)t noon% ! got into my clothe) and ran do+n)tair)3 gul-ed do+n the reui)ite bo+l o, cereal becau)e my mother +a) )tanding there com-laining about -eo-le +ho )le-t all day and +here it got them a) adult)2mo)tly /ail and unem-loyment2and bolted out the door )mack into the )ticky ugu)t )unlight% There +a) no +ay ! dared going )traight to the 7handler)1% What i, they1d ,igured it +a) meI ! ran through the +ood) to the Rock% The little -yramid !1d made o, )tone) and a nd dollar) +a) )till there3 !n the light o, day it no longer looked like an o,,ering% !t looked like a -ile o, dog)hit do g)hit )itting on a -ile o, lea*e)% !t )at there mocking me% ! kne+ +hat it meant% $he hadn1t got out% They1d caught her% $he +a) )till in)ide%
! ,elt thi) terrible )ick ,eeling in my gut and the cereal nearly )lid u- again% ! +a) angry and then ! +a) )cared and then ! +a) -lain con,u)ed% $u--o)e they had decided it +a) me +ho thre+ the boltI Or )u--o)e they1d done )omething to make &eg tell themI What +a) ! )u--o)ed to do no+I a 'et out o, to+nI ou could go to the co-)3 ! thought% ou could go )ee &r% Jenning)% nd then ! thought3 great3 and tell him +hatI That Ruth1) been torturing &eg ,or month) and ! kno+ )he ha) ,or a ,act becau)e !1*e )ort o, been hel-ingI !1d )een enough co- )ho+) to kno+ +hat an accom-lice +a)% nd ! kne+ a kid2a ,riend o, my cou)in1) ,rom We)t Orange2+ho1d done almo)t a year in Ju*enile ,or getting drunk d runk on beer and )tealing hi) neighbor1) car% ccording to him they could beat you3 they could drug you3 they could )tick you in a )traight/acket i, they +anted to% nd they let you out +hen they +ere damn good and ready% There1) got to be )ome other +ay3 ! thought% "ike &eg )aid about kee-ing the money2+e could try again% Think it through better thi) time% !, they didn1t kno+ about me already% There +a) only one +ay to ,ind that out%
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! climbed o*er to the Rock and gathered u- the ,i*e) and )ingle) and -ut them in my -ocket% Then ! took a real dee- breath% nd then ! +ent o*er%
Willie met me at the door and it +a) clear that e*en i, they kne+ or )u)-ected3 Willie had other more urgent thing) on hi) mind% (7ome on3( he )aid% He looked dra+n and tired3 excited though3 the t+o combining to make him uglier than e*er% ou kne+ he hadn1t +a)hed and hi) breath +a) ,oul e*en ,or him% (7lo)e the door behind you%( ! did% We +ent do+n)tair)% nd Ruth +a) there3 )itting in her ,olding chair% nd Woo,er% Eddie and Deni)e -erched on the +orktable% nd $u)an )at bloodle))ly )ilent crying next to Ruth% E*ery one o, them )itting uiet +hile on the cold dam- concrete ,loor Donny lay grunting on to- o, &eg +ith hi) -ant) do+n around hi) ankle)3 ra-ing her3 her naked body tied hand) and ,eet bet+een the ,our2by2,our )u--ort beam)% nd ! gue))ed Ruth had ,inally changed her mind once and ,or all about touching% ! ,elt )ick% ! turned to get out o, there% (8nh2unh3( )aid Willie% (ou )tay%( nd the car*ing kni,e in hi) hand and the look in hi) eye) )aid he +a) right% ! )tayed%
They +ere all )o uiet in there you could hear the t+o ,lie) buGGing% !t )eemed like a bad )ick dream% $o ! did +hat you do in a dream%
9;4
Pa))i*ely ! +atched it un,old% Donny co*ered mo)t o, her% ! could )ee only her lo+er body2her leg) and thigh)% Either they +ere *ery much brui)ed )ince ye)terday or had gotten *ery dirty% The )ole) o, her ,eet +ere black% ! could almo)t ,eel hi) +eight on to- o, her3 -re))ing do+n3 -ounding her to the rough hard ,loor% $he +a) gagged but not blind,olded% 0ehind the gag ! could hear her -ain and the hel-le)) outrage% He groaned and arched )uddenly and clutched her burned brea)t and then rolled )lo+ly o,, her% 0e)ide me Willie breathed relie,% (There no+3( )aid Ruth3 nodding% (That1) +hat you1re good ,or%( Deni)e and Woo,er giggled% Donny -ulled u- hi) -ant)% He Gi--ed them% He glanced at me but +ouldn1t meet my eye)% ! couldn1t blame him% ! +ouldn1t ha*e met hi) either% (ou -robably got the cla- no+3( Ruth )aid% (0ut ne*er mind% They1*e got cure) the)e day)%( $u)an )uddenly )tarted )obbing% (&ommeee( $he ke-t rocking back and ,orth in her chair% (! +ant my mommeeee (Oh3 )hut u- +hy donchaI( )aid Woo,er% (eah3( )aid Eddie% ($hut the ,uck u-3( )aid Ruth% ($hut u-(
$he kicked her chair% $he backed u- and kicked it again and $u)an tumbled o,, it% $he lay there )creaming3 )cra-ing the ,loor +ith her brace)% ($tay there( )aid Ruth% (ou /u)t )tay there $tay +here you are%( Then )he looked around at the re)t o, u)%
9@5
(Who el)e +ant) a turnI( )he )aid% (Da*yI EddieI( (&e3( )aid Willie% Ruth looked at him% (! don1t kno+ about that3( )he )aid% (our brother1) /u)t had her% $eem) )orta like ince)t to me% ! dunno%( (+ hell3 &om( )aid Willie% (Well3 it doe)% Not that the little +hore +ould +ou ld gi*e a damn% 0ut !1d ,eel a +hole lot better i, it +a) Eddie or Da*y%( (Da*y don1t +ant her ,or chri))ake( ($ure he doe)%( (No3 he don1t( $he looked at me% ! looked a+ay% $he )hrugged% (&aybe not% 0oy1) )en)ible% ! kno+ ! +ouldn1t touch her% 0ut then !1m not a man am !% EddieI( (! +ant to cut her3( )aid Eddie% (eah% &e too( )aid Woo,er% (7ut herI( Ruth looked -uGGled% (ou )aid that +e could cut her3 &r)% 7handler3( )aid Deni)e% (! didI( ($ure you did3( )aid Woo,er% (! didI WhenI 7ut her ho+I( (Hey% 7ome on3 ! +ant to ,uck her3( )aid Willie% ($hut u-3( )aid Ruth%
9@9
(!1m talking to Ral-hie% 7ut her ho+I(
(Put )omething on her3( )aid Ral-hie% ($o -eo-le1d kno+% $o -eo-le1d kno+ )he +a) a +hore%( (That1) right% "ike a )carlet letter or )omething3( )aid Deni)e% ("ike in the 7la))ic 7omic%( (Oh3 you mean like brand her3( )aid Ruth% (ou mean brand her3 not cut her%( (ou )aid cut her3( )aid Woo,er% (Don1t tell me +hat ! )aid% Don1t you tell your mother%( (ou did3 &r)% 7handler3( )aid Eddie% (Hone)t% ou )aid cut her%( (! didI( (! heard you% We all did%( Ruth nodded% $he thought about it% Then )he )ighed% (Okay% We1ll +ant a needle% Ral-hie3 go u- and get my )e+ing kit out o, the%% % ! think it1) in the hall clo)et%( (Okay%( He ran by me% ! couldn1t belie*e thi) +a) ha--ening% (Ruth3( ! )aid% (RuthI( $he looked at me% Her eye) )eemed to ui*er3 to )hudder in their )ocket)% (What%( (ou1re not really doing thi)3 are youI(
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(! )aid +e could% $o ! gue)) +e +ill%( $he leaned clo)e to me% ! could )mell the cigarette )moke leaking ,rom e*ery -ore% (ou kno+ +hat the bitch tried to do la)t nightI( )he )aid% ($he tried to get out o, here% $omebody le,t the door o-en% We ,igure it +a) Donny becau)e he +a) the la)t one in ye)terday and be)ide)3 Donny1) )+eet on her% l+ay) ha) been% $o ! ,inally let him ha*e her% ou ha*e a +oman3 you don1t much +ant h er anymore% ! ,igure Donny1) cured no+% (0ut it1) good to let -eo-le )ee and kno+ +hat )he i)% Don1t you thinkI( (&o+3( )aid Willie% He +a) +hining no+% (What%( (Why can1t !I( (7an1t +hatI( (Auck her( (0ecau)e ! )aid )o3 goddammit godda mmit !t1) ince)t No+ you lea*e me the hell alone about it% ou +ant to go )kinny di--ing into your o+n brother1) )cumI That +hat you +antI Don1t talk to me% ou1re di)gu)ting Ju)t like your you r goddamn ,ather%( (Ruth3( ! )aid% (ou %%% you can1t do thi)%( (7an1tI( (No%( (NoI Why notI( (!t1) not%% % it1) not right%( $he got u-% $he +alked o*er to me and ! had to look at her% ! had to look )traight in her eye%
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(Plea)e don1t tell me +hat1) right3 boy3( boy 3( )he )aid% Her *oice +a) a lo+ trembling gro+l% ! +a) a+are o, her )haking +ith a ,ury that +a) only barely under control% The eye) ,lickered like guttering candle)% ! )te--ed back+ard% ! thought3 my 'od3 thi) +a) a +oman !1d liked once% +oman !1d thought ,unny3 )ometime) e*en -retty% One o, the guy)% Thi) +oman )cared hell out o, me%
$he1ll kill you3 ! thought% $he1ll kill u) all including her o+n kid) and not e*en care or think about it till later% !, )he ,eel) like it% (Don1t you tell me3( )he )aid% nd ! think )he kne+ +hat +a) in my mind then% ! think )he read me com-letely% !t didn1t concern her% $he turned to Willie% (Thi) boy trie) to lea*e3( )he )aid% (7ut hi) ball) o,, and hand 1em o*er here to me% ou got thatI( Willie returned her )mile% ($ure3 &om3( he )aid% Woo,er came running into the room holding a battered cardboard )hoebox% He handed it to Ruth% (!t +a)n1t there3( he )aid% (HuhI( (!t +a)n1t in the clo)et% !t +a) in the bedroom on the dre))er%( (Oh%( $he o-ened it% ! caught a glim-)e o, /umbled t+ine and ball) o, thread3 -incu)hion)3 button)3 needle)% $he -ut it do+n on the +orktable and rummaged through it% Eddie mo*ed o,, the table to gi*e her room and -eered do+n o*er her )houlder% (Here +e go3( )he )aid% $he turned to Woo,er%
9@B
(We ha*e to heat thi) through3 though3 or )he1ll get an in,ection%( $he held a long thick )e+ing needle% The room +a) )uddenly crackling +ith ten)ion% ! looked at the needle and then at &eg lying on the ,loor and )he +a) looking at it too and )o +a) $u)an% (Who get) to do itI( )aid Eddie%
(Well3 ! gue)) to be ,air you can each do a letter% That okayI( ('reat% What1ll +e +riteI( Ruth thought about it% ($u--o)e +e kee- it )im-le% Ho+ 1bout +e +rite3 (! ,uck% Auck me%( That ought to do it% That ought to tell +hoe*er need) to kno+%( ($ure3( )aid Deni)e% (That1ll be great%( To me at that moment )he looked /u)t like Ruth% The )ame t+itchy light in her eye)3 the )ame ten)e ex-ectancy% (Wo+3( )aid Woo,er% (That1) a lot o, letter)% lmo)t t+o each%( Ruth counted3 nodded% (ctually3( )he )aid3 (i, Da*id doe)n1t +ant in on thi)3 and ! )u)-ect he doe)n1t3 you could make it t+o each and !1ll /u)t take the one o*er% Da*idI( ! )hook my head% (! ,igured3( )aid Ruth% 0ut )he didn1t )eem angry or mocking about ab out it% (Okay3( )aid Ruth% (!1ll take the !% "et1) do it%( (RuthI( ! )aid%
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(Ruth#4 Willie mo*ed clo)er to me3 mo*ing the car*ing kni,e in )lo+ laGy circle) c ircle) right beneath my chin% He made me *ery ner*ou) becau)e you couldn1t cou ldn1t tell +ith Willie% ! looked at Eddie and +atched him ,iddle +ith the blade o, hi) o+n $+i)) rmy kni,e3 eye) cold and dead a) ! kne+ they1d be e*en be,ore ! looked% Then at Donny% !t +a) a ne+ Donny% There +a) no hel- ,rom him either% 0ut Ruth /u)t turned to me3 )till not angry3 )ounding calm and )ort o, +eary% lmo)t like )he +ere trying to tell me )omething ! )hould ha*e kno+n all along3 )trictly ,or my o+n bene,it% ) though )he +ere doing )omething really nice ,or me% ) though o, all the -eo-le here in thi) room3 ! +a) her ,a*orite% (Da*id3( )he )aid3 (!1m telling you% Ju)t lea*e thi) be%( (! +ant to go3 then3( ! )aid% (! +ant to get out o, here%( (No%( (! don1t +ant to )ee thi)%( (Then don1t look%( They +ere going to do it to her% Woo,er had matche)% He +a) heating the needle% ! +a) trying not to cry% (! don1t +ant to hear it either%( (Too bad3( )he )aid% (8nle)) you got +ax in your ear) you1ll hear it -lenty%( nd ! did%
When it +a) o*er and they1d ,ini)hed )+abbing her +ith the rubbing alcohol ! +alked o*er to )ee +hat they1d done% Not /u)t thi) but la)t night and thi) morning too% !t +a) the ,ir)t !1d been near her all day% They1d remo*ed the gag once they1d ,ini)hed3 kno+ing )he +a) too +eak no+ to )ay much anyho+% Her li-) +ere -u,,y and )+ollen% One o, her eye) +a) clo)ing3 turning red and -ur-le% ! )a+ three or ,our ne+ cigarette burn) on her che)t and collarbone and one
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on her inner thigh% The triangular burn ,rom Ruth1) iron +a) an o-en bli)ter no+% There +ere brui)e) on her rib) and arm) and o*er her cal*e) and thigh) +here Willie1d cut her the day be,ore% nd there +ere the +ord)% A87K A87K &E T+o2inch letter)% ll in ca-ital)% Hal,2burned and hal, cut dee- into the ,le)h acro)) her )tomach% Written in +hat looked like the )haky he)itant hand o, a )ix2year2old )choolboy% (No+ you can1t get married3( )aid Ruth% $he +a) )itting in her chair again3 )moking3 hugging her knee) and rocking back and ,orth% Willie and Eddie had gone u-)tair) ,or 7oke)% The room )tank o, )moke and )+eat and alcohol% ($ee3 it1) there ,ore*er3 &eggy3( )he )aid% (ou can1t undre))% Not ,or anybody3 e*er% 0ecau)e he1ll )ee tho)e +ord) there%( ! looked and realiGed it +a) true% Ruth had changed her% 7hanged her ,or li,e% The burn) and brui)e) +ould ,ade but thi) +ould )tay2legible3 ho+e*er ,aintly3 e*en thirty year) ,rom no+% !t +a) )omething )he1d ha*e to think about and ex-lain each and e*ery time )he )tood naked in ,ront o, )omeone% Whene*er )he looked in a mirror )he1d )ee it there and remember% They1d -a))ed a rule in )chool thi) year that )aid )ho+er) +ere mandatory a,ter gym cla))% Ho+ could )he handle that3 in a room,ul o, teenage girl)I Ruth +a)n1t +orried% !t +a) like &eg +a) her -rotegee no+% (ou1re better o,,3( )he )aid% (ou1ll )ee% No man +ill +ant you% ou +on1t ha*e kid)% !t1ll be a +hole lot better that +ay% ou1re lucky% ou thought it1) good to be cuteI To be )exyI Well3 !1ll tell you3 &eggy% +oman1) better o,, loath)ome in thi) +orld%( Eddie and Willie came in laughing +ith a )ix2-ack o, 7oke) and -a))ed them around% ! took one ,rom them and held it3 trying to kee- the bottle )teady% The ,aint )+eet )cent o,
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caramel +a) )ickening% One )i- and ! kne+ !1d *omit% !1d been trying not to e*er )ince it )tarted% Donny didn1t take one% He /u)t )tood by &eg looking do+n% (ou1re right3 &a3( he )aid a,ter a +hile% (!t make) thing) di,,erent% What +e +rote ! mean% !t1) +eird%(
He +a) trying to -uGGle it out% Then ,inally he got a handle on it% ($he ain1t )o much anymore3( he )aid% He )ounded a little )ur-ri)ed and e*en a little ha--y% Ruth )miled% The )mile +a) thin and )haky% (! told you3( )he )aid% (ou )eeI( Eddie laughed3 +alked o*er and kicked her in the rib)% &eg barely grunted% (Nah% $he ain1t much3( he )aid% ($he ain1t nothin %( )aid Deni)e% $he )+igged her 7oke% Eddie kicked her again3 harder thi) time3 in ,ull )olidarity +ith hi) )i)ter% 'et me out o, here3 ! thought% Plea)e% "et me go% (! gue)) +e could )tring her u- again no+3( )aid Ruth% ("et her )tay3( )aid Willie% (!t1) cold do+n there% ! don1t +ant no runny no)e) or no )neeGing% Haul her back on u- and let1) ha*e a look at her%( Eddie untied her ,eet and Donny ,reed her hand) ,rom the ,our2by2,our but ke-t them tied together and loo-ed the line o*er one o, the nail) in the ceiling%
9@:
&eg looked at me% ou could )ee ho+ +eak )he +a)% Not e*en a tear% Not e*en the )trength to cry% Ju)t a )ad de,eated look that )aid3 you )ee +hat1) become o, meI Donny -ulled on the line and rai)ed her arm) abo*e her head% He tied it o,, at the +orktable but le,t )ome )lack thi) time% !t +a) )lo--y and unlike him2a) though he didn1t really care anymore% ) though )he +a)n1t +orth the e,,ort% $omething had changed all right%
!t +a) a) though in car*ing the letter) acro)) her they1d )tri--ed her o, all -o+er -o +er to excite2 to elicit either ,ear or lu)t or hate% What +a) le,t +a) )o much ,le)h no+% Weak% nd )omeho+ contem-tible% Ruth )at looking at her like a -ainter )tudying her can*a)% (There1) one thing +e )hould do3( )he )aid% (WhatI( )aid Donny% Ruth thought% (Well3( )he )aid3 (+e got her )o no man1) gonna +ant her no+% Problem i)3 )ee3 &eg might )till +ant him( $he )hook her head% ("i,e o, torment there%( ($oI( $he con)idered% We +atched her% (Tell you +hat you do3( )he )aid ,inally% ('o u-)tair) to the kitchen and get )ome ne+)-a-er) o,, the -ile there and bring 1em do+n% 0unch o, 1em% Put 1em in the )ink in back o, u) here%( (Why ne+)-a-er)I What are +e gonna do +ith ne+)-a-er)I( (Read to herI( )aid Deni)e% They laughed% (Ju)t do it3( )he )aid% He +ent u- and got the -a-er) and came back do+n% He to))ed them in the )ink by the +a)her% Ruth )tood u-% (Okay% Who1) got a matchI !1m out%(
9@4
(! got )ome3( )aid Eddie% He handed them to her% $he )too-ed and -icked u- the tire iron !1d gi*en to &eg la)t night% ! +ondered i, )he1d had any chance to u)e it%
(Here% Take thi)3( )he )aid% $he handed the iron to Eddie% (7ome on%( They -ut do+n the 7oke) and +alked -a)t me% E*erybody +anted to )ee +hat Ruth had in mind% E*erybody but me and $u)an% 0ut $u)an /u)t )at on the ,loor +here Ruth had told her to )it and ! had Willie1) kni,e about t+o ,eet ,rom my ribcage% $o ! +ent too% (Roll 1em u-3( )aid Ruth% They looked at her% (The -a-er)3( )he )aid% (Roll 1em u- good and tight% Then to)) them back in the )ink%( Woo,er3 Eddie3 Deni)e and Donny did a) )he )aid% Ruth lit a cigarette +ith Eddie1) matche)% Willie )tayed behind me% ! glanced at the )tairca)e /u)t a ,e+ ,eet a+ay% 0eckoning% They rolled the -a-er)% (Pack 1em do+n tight3( )aid Ruth% They )tu,,ed them into the )ink% ($ee3 here1) the thing3( Ruth )aid% ( +oman doe)n1t +ant a man all o*er her body% No% $he only +ant) him one -lace in -articular% Kno+ +hat ! mean3 Deni)eI NoI Not yetI Well you +ill% Woman +ant) a man in one -articular -lace and that1) right do+n here bet+een her leg)%(
9:5
$he -ointed3 then -re))ed her hand to her dre)) to )ho+ them% They )to--ed rolling% (One little )-ot3( )he )aid% (No+% ou take out that )-ot3 and you kno+ +hat ha--en)I ou take out all o, her de)ire%
(Really% ou take it out ou t ,ore*er% !t /u)t +ork)% They do it )ome -lace) all the time3 like it1) /u)t the u)ual thing to do3 +hen a girl reache) a certain age ! gue))% Kee-) her ,rom )trayin1% Place) like3 oh3 ! dunno3 ,rica and rabia and Ne+ 'uinea% They con)ider it a ci*iliGed -ractice do+n there% ($o ! ,igure3 +hy not hereI We1ll /u)t take out that one little )-ot%( (We1ll burn her% 0urn it out% We1ll u)e the iron%( (nd then )he1ll be %%% -er,ect%( The room +a) hu)hed a) they )tared at her a moment3 not uite belie*ing +hat they +ere hearing% ! belie*ed her% nd the ,eeling !1d been trying to under)tand ,or day) no+ ,inally came together ,or me% ! )tarted to tremble a) though )tanding naked in a rude December +ind% 0ecau)e ! could )ee it3 )mell it3 hear her )cream)% ! could cou ld )ee all the +ay do+n into &eg1) ,uture3 into my ,uture2the li*ing con)euence) o, )uch an act% nd ! kne+ ! +a) alone in that% The other)2e*en Ruth3 ,or all the im-ul)i*ene)) that had made her into a /ailer3 ,or all her in*enti*ene)) +ith -ain3 ,or all her talk o, +hat might ha*e been had )he ke-t her /ob and not met Willie $r% and not married and ne*er had kid)2the other) had no imagination% None% None +hate*er% They had no idea% Aor e*eryone but them)el*e)3 ,or e*erything but the moment3 they +ere blind3 em-ty% nd ! trembled3 ye)% With rea)on% With under)tanding% und er)tanding% ! +a) ca-tured by )a*age)% ! had li*ed +ith them% !1d been one o, them%
No% Not )a*age)% Not really%
9:9
Wor)e than that% &ore like a -ack o, dog) or cat) or the )+arm) o, ,erociou) red ant) that Woo,er liked to -lay +ith% "ike )ome other )-ecie) altogether% $ome intelligence that only looked human3 but had no acce)) to human ,eeling)% ! )tood among them )+am-ed by other ne)) 0y e*il% ! broke ,or the )tair)% ! heard Willie cur)e and ,elt hi) kni,e graGe the back o, my )hirt% ! grabbed the +ooden bani)ter and t+i)ted onto the )tair)% ! )tumbled% 0elo+ me ! )a+ Ruth -ointing3 )houting3 )houting3 her mouth a +ide black em-ty ga-ing hole% ! ,elt Willie1) hand gra)- my ,oot and -ull% 0e)ide me +ere -aint can) and a bucket% ! )+e-t them do+n the )tair) behind me and heard him cur)e again and Eddie too a) ! +renched my ,oot a+ay% ! got to my ,eet% ! cra)hed blindly u- the )tair)% The door +a) o-en% ! ,lung o-en the )creen% The )ummer heat +a)hed o*er me in a )ingle hea*y +a*e% ! couldn1t )cream% ! had to ga)- ,or air% ! heard them clo)e c lo)e behind me% ! lea-t do+n the )tair)% (&o*e( Donny yelled% Then )uddenly he +a) on to- o, me3 the momentum o, hi) lea- ,rom the landing knocking me do+n and knocking the breath out o, me and rolling him a+ay ,rom me% ! +a) ,a)ter than he +a)% ! got g ot to my ,eet% ! )a+ Willie to the )ide o, me3 blocking my +ay to my hou)e% ! )a+ the kni,e glint in the )unlight% ! didn1t try% ! ran -a)t Donny1) out)tretched arm) acro)) the yard heading to+ard the +ood)% ! +a) hal,+ay there +hen Eddie hit me3 thre+ him)el, hard acro)) the back o, my leg)% ! +ent do+n and )uddenly he +a) all o*er me3 -unching3 kicking3 trying to gouge my eye)% ! rolled and t+i)ted% ! had +eight on him% ! +re)tled him o*er% He grabbed my )hirt% ! let it tear and -ulled a+ay% ! )tumbled back and then Donny +a) on me too and then Willie and it +a) only +hen ! ,elt Willie1) kni,e at my throat and ,elt it cut that ! )to--ed )truggling% (!n)ide3 cunt3( he )aid% (nd not a ,ucking +ord( They marched me back%
9:=
The )ight o, my o+n hou)e h ou)e tormented me% ! ke-t looking at it ,or )ign) o, li,e but there +eren1t any% We +ent u- and then do+n into the cool3 -aint )melling dark% ! -ut my hand to my throat% &y ,inger) came u- +et +ith /u)t a little blood% Ruth )tood there3 arm) ,olded tight acro)) her brea)t)% (Aool3( )he )aid% (No+ +here the hell +ere you goingI( ! didn1t an)+er% (Well3 ! gue)) you1re +ith her no+3( )he )aid% (Don1t kno+ +hat the hell +e1re going to do +ith you all%( $he )hook her head% Then )he laughed% (Ju)t be glad you don1t ha*e one o, them little )-ot) like )he doe)% (7our)e3 then3 you1*e got )omething el)e to +orry about3 don1t youI(
Deni)e laughed% (Willie3 you go get )ome ro-e% ! think +e better tie him u-3 in ca)e he ,eel) like +andering again%( Willie +ent into the )helter% He came back +ith a )hort length o, ro-e and handed Donny the kni,e% Donny held it +hile Willie tied my hand) behind me% E*erybody +atched and +aited% nd thi) time Donny )eemed to ha*e no trouble at all looking me in the eye% When they +ere through Ruth turned to Woo,er and handed him the matche)% (Ral-hieI ou +ant the honor)I( Woo,er )miled and lit a match and leaned +ay o*er the )ink% He reached back and lit a corner o, one o, the rolled2u- -a-er)% Then he lit another corner nearer to him%
9:>
He )te--ed back% The -a-er began to burn brightly% (ou al+ay) did like a ,ire3( )aid Ruth% $he turned to the re)t o, them% $he )ighed% (Who +ant) to do thi) no+I( )he )aid% (! do( )aid Eddie% $he looked at him3 )miling a little% !t )eemed to me the *ery )ame look that once3 not long ago at all3 had been -retty much re)er*ed ,or me% ! gue)) ! +a)n1t her ,a*orite kid on the block anymore% ('et the tire iron3( )he )aid% nd Eddie did% They held it to the ,lame)% !t +a) *ery uiet% When )he /udged it +a) hot enough )he told him to remo*e it and +e all +ent back in)ide%
!1m not going to tell you about thi)% ! re,u)e to% There are thing) you kno+ you1ll die be,ore telling3 thing) you kno+ you )hould ha*e died be,ore e*er ha*ing )een% ! +atched and )a+%
We lay huddled together in the dark% They1d remo*ed the +ork light and clo)ed the door and +e +ere alone3 &eg and $u)an and !3 lying on the air mattre))e) that Willie $r% had -ro*ided ,or hi) ,amily% ! could hear ,oot)te-) -a))ing ,rom the li*ing room to the dining room and back again% Hea*y ,oot)te-)% Donny or Willie% Then the hou)e +a) )ilent% Exce-t ,or &eg1) moaning% $he1d ,ainted +hen they touched her +ith the iron3 gone rigid and then )uddenly lim- a) though )truck by a bolt o, lightning% 0ut no+ )ome -art o, her +a) )truggling to+ard con)ciou)ne)) again% ! +a) a,raid to think +hat it +ould be like ,or her once )he +oke% ! couldn1t imagine the -ain% Not that -ain% ! didn1t +ant to%
9:B
They1d untied u)% t lea)t our hand) +ere ,ree% ! could tend to her )omeho+% ! +ondered +hat they +ere doing u- there no+% What they +ere thinking% ! could -icture them% Eddie and Deni)e +ould ha*e gone home ,or dinner% Ruth +ould be lying in the chair +ith her ,eet u- on the ha))ock3 a cigarette burning in the a)htray be)ide her3 )taring3 at the blank )creen o, the tele*i)ion% Willie )-ra+led acro)) the couch3 eating% Woo,er on hi) belly on the ,loor% nd Donny )itting u-right on one o, the )traight2 back kitchen chair)3 ha*ing an a--le maybe% There +ould be ,roGen T# dinner) in the o*en% ! +a) hungry% !1d had nothing )ince break,a)t no+% Dinner% ! thought about that% When ! ,ailed to come home to eat my -arent) +ould be angry% Then they1d )tart to +orry% &y -arent) +ould +orry% ! doubt that it had e*er occurred to me be,ore exactly +hat that meant% nd ,or a moment ! lo*ed them )o much ! almo)t cried% Then &eg moaned again and ! could ,eel her tremble be)ide me% ! thought o, Ruth and the other) )itting in the )ilence u-)tair)% Wondering +hat to do +ith u)% 0ecau)e my being here changed e*erything% ,ter today they couldn1t tru)t me% nd unlike &eg and $u)an3 !1d be mi))ed% Would my -arent) come looking ,or meI $ure3 o, cour)e they +ould% 0ut +hen Would they look ,or me hereI ! hadn1t told them +here the hell !1d be% Dumb3 Da*id% nother mi)take% ou kne+ you might be in trouble here% ! ,elt the darkne)) -re)) tight around me3 making me )maller )omeho+3 crim-ing my )-ace and limiting my o-tion)3 my -otential% nd ! had )ome )mall )en)e o, +hat it mu)t ha*e ,elt like ,or &eg all the)e +eek)3 all alone do+n here% ou could almo)t +i)h ,or them to come back again /u)t to relie*e the ten)ion o, +aiting3 the )en)e o, i)olation%
9:<
!n the darkne))3 ! realiGed3 you tend to di)a--ear% (Da*idI( !t +a) $u)an and )he )tartled me% ! think it +a) the only time !1d e*er heard her )-eak to me2or to anybody ,or that matter2+ithout being )-oken to ,ir)t% Her *oice +a) a )cared trembly +hi)-er% ) though Ruth +ere )till at the door li)tening% (Da*idI( (eahI ou okay3 $u)anI( (!1m okay% Da*idI Do you hate meI( (Hate youI No3 1cour)e not% Why )hould !%% % I( (ou )hould% &eg )hould% 0ecau)e it1) my ,ault%( (!t1) not your ,ault3 $u)an%( (e) it i)% !t1) all my ,ault% Without me &eg could ha*e gone and not come back%( ($he tried to3 $u)an% They caught her%( (ou don1t under)tand%( E*en +ithout )eeing her you could tell ho+ hard )he +a) trying not to cry% (They caught her in the hall3 Da*id%( (HuhI( ($he came to get me% $he got out3 )omeho+%( (! let her out% ! le,t the door d oor o-en%( (nd )he came u- the )tair) and into my room and -ut her hand here3 o*er my mouth )o !1d be uiet and )he li,ted me u- o,, the bed% nd )he +a) carrying me do+n the hall +hen Ruth3 +hen Ruth%%%(
$he couldn1t hold back anymore% $he cried% ! reached out and touched her )houlder% (Hey3 it1) okay% !t1) all right%(
9:;
(%%% +hen Ruth came out o, the boy)1 room229 gue)) )he heard u)3 you kno+2and )he grabbed &eg by the hair and thre+ her do+n and ! ,ell right on to- o, her )o )he couldn1t mo*e at ,ir)t and then Willie came out and Donny and Woo,er and they )tarted beating her and hitting her and kicking her% nd then Willie +ent into the kitchen and got a kni,e and -ut it right here to her throat and )aid that i, )he mo*ed he1d cut o,, her head% He1d cut her head o,,) +hat he )aid% (Then they took u u)) do+n)tair)% "ater they thre+ my brace) do+n% Thi) one1) bu)ted%( ! heard it rattle% (nd then they hit her )ome more and Ruth u)ed her cigarette on her%% % on her %%%( $he )lid o*er and ! -ut my arm around her +hile )he cried into my )houlder% (! don1t get it3( ! )aid% ($he +a) going to come back ,or you% We +ere going to ,igure )omething out% Why no+I Why1d )he try to take youI Why1d )he try to take you +ith herI( $he +i-ed her eye)% ! heard her )ni,,le% (! think becau)e %% % Ruth3( )he )aid% (Ruth %% % touche) me% Do+n %% % you kno+ %% % do+n there% nd once )he %%% )he made me bleed% nd &eg %% %9 told &eg %% % and )he got mad about it %%% real mad and )he told Ruth )he kne+ and Ruth beat her again3 beat her bad +ith a )ho*el ,rom the ,ire-lace and%%%(
Her *oice broke% (!1m )orry ! didn1t mean it% $he )hould ha*e gone $he )hould ha*e ! didn1t mean ,or her to get hurt% ! couldn1t hel- it ! hate it +hen )he touche) me ! hate Ruth ! hate her% nd ! told &eg%% %9 told her +hat )he did and that1) +hy they got her% That1) +hy )he came ,or me% 0ecau)e o, me% Da*id% 0ecau)e o, +e( ! held her and it +a) like rocking a baby )he ,elt )o ,rail% ($hhh% Ea)y% !t1ll be %%% okay%(
9:@
! thought o, Ruth touching her% ! could -icture it% The broken3 b roken3 hel-le)) little girl3 unable to ,ight3 the +oman +ith the em-ty glittering eye) like the )ur,ace o, a ,a)t2running )tream% Then ! blocked it ,rom my mind% ,ter a long +hile )he )ub)ided% (! ha*e )omething3( )he )aid3 )ni,,ling% (! ga*e it to &eg% Reach o*er behind the ,ar leg o, the +orktable% Pa)t +here &eg i)% Aeel around%( ! did% ! came u- +ith a -ack o, matche) and the t+o inch )tub o, a candle% (Where1d you%% % I( (! rooked it o,, o, Ruth%( ! lit the candle% !t) honey glo+ ,illed the )helter% !t made me ,eel better% 8ntil ! )a+ &eg% 8ntil +e both did% $he lay on her back3 co*ered to the +ai)t +ith an old thin dirty )heet they1d thro+n o*er her% Her brea)t) and )houlder) +ere bare% $he had brui)e) e*ery+here% Her burn) +ere o-en3 liuid3 ooGing%
E*en in her )lee- the mu)cle) o, her ,ace -ulled her )kin tight +ith -ain% Her body trembled% The +riting gli)tened% A87K A87K &E ! looked at $u)an and could )ee )he +a) going to cry again% (Turn a+ay3( ! )aid% 0ecau)e it +a) bad% ll o, it +a) bad% 0ut +or)t o, all +a) not +hat they1d done to her3 but +hat )he +a) doing to her)el,% Her arm) +ere out)ide the )heet% $he )le-t%
9::
nd the dirty /agged ,ingernail) o, her hand +orked con)tantly and dee- again)t her le,t elbo+ all the +ay do+n do+ n to her +ri)t% $he +a) tearing at the )car% Tearing it o-en% The body3 abu)ed and beaten3 +a) turning ,inally again)t it)el,% (Don1t look3( ! )aid% ! took o,, my )hirt and managed to bite and ri- my +ay through the )eam% ! tore t+o )tri-) o,, the bottom% ! mo*ed &eg1) ,inger) a+ay% ! +ra--ed the )hirt tightly t+ice around her arm% Then ! tied it o,, to- and bottom% $he couldn1t do much damage no+% (Okay3( ! )aid% $u)an +a) crying% $he1d )een it% Enough to kno+% (WhyI( )he )aid% (Why +ould )he do thatI( (! don1t kno+%( 0ut ! did3 in a +ay% ! could almo)t ,eel &eg1) anger at her)el,% Aor ,ailing% Aor ,ailing to get ,ree3 ,or ,ailing her)el, and her )i)ter% &aybe e*en ,or being the )ort o, -er)on thi) could ha--en to in the ,ir)t -lace% Aor allo+ing it to ha--en and thinking )he1d get through it )omeho+% !t +a) un,air and +rong o, her to ,eel that +ay but ! thought ! under)tood% $he1d been tricked2and no+ that good clear mind +a) angry +ith it)el,% Ho+ could ! ha*e been )o )tu-idI lmo)t i, )he de)er*ed her -uni)hment no+% $he1d been tricked into thinking Ruth and the other) +ere human in the )ame +ay )he +a) human and that con)euently it could only go )o ,ar% Only )o ,ar% nd it +a)n1t true% They +eren1t the )ame at all% $he1d realiGed that% Too late% ! +atched the ,inger) -robe the )car% There +a) blood )ee-ing through the )hirt% Not too much yet% 0ut ! ,elt the )trange )ad irony o, kno+ing ! might ha*e to u)e the )hirt to tie her u- again e*entually in order to re)train her% 8-)tair)3 the -hone rang% ('et it3( ! heard Ruth )ay% Aoot)te-) cro))ed the room% ! heard Willie1) *oice and then a -au)e and then Ruth1) *oice3 )-eaking into the -hone%
9:4
! +ondered +hat time it +a)% ! looked at the tiny candle and +ondered ho+ long it +ould la)t% &eg1) hand ,ell a+ay ,rom the )car% $he ga)-ed and groaned% Her eyelid) ,luttered% (&egI( $he o-ened her eye)% They +ere glaGed +ith -ain% Her ,inger) +ent back to the )car again% (Don1t3( ! )aid% (Don1t do that%( $he looked at me3 not com-rehending at ,ir)t% Then )he took her hand a+ay%
(Da*idI( (e)% !t1) me% nd $u)an1) here%( $u)an leaned ,or+ard )o )he could )ee her and the corner) o, &eg1) mouth turned u-+ard in the -ale)t gho)t o, a )mile% Then e*en that )eemed to -ain her% $he groaned% (Oh 'od3( )he )aid% (!t hurt)%( (Don1t mo*e3( ! )aid% (! kno+ it doe)%( ! dre+ the )heet u- to her chin% (!) there anything %% % anything you +ant me to %% %I( (No3( )he )aid% (Ju)t let me %%% Oh 'od%(
945
(&egI( )aid $u)an% $he +a) trembling% $he reached acro)) me but couldn1t uite reach her% (!1m )orry3 &eg% !1m )orry% !1m )orry%( (!t1) okay3 $uG% We tried% !t1) okay% !t1)%%%( ou could almo)t ,eel the electric -ain run through her% ! couldn1t think +hat to do% ! ke-t looking at the candle a) though the light +ould tell me )omething but it didn1t% Nothing% (Where %% % +here are theyI( )he )aid% H (8-)tair)%( (Will they )tayI !) it%% % nightI( (lmo)t% round dinnertime% ! don1t kno+% ! don1t kno+ i, they1ll )tay%( (! can1t %% % Da*idI ! can1t take any more% ou kno+I( (! kno+%( (! can1t%( (Re)t% Ju)t re)t%( ! )hook my head% (WhatI( )he )aid%
(! kee- +i)hing there +ere )omething%% %( (WhatI( (%%% to hurt them +ith% To get u) out o, here%( (There1) nothing% Nothing% ou don1t kno+ ho+ many night) !%%%( (There1) thi)3( )aid $u)an% $he held u- the arm brace% ! looked at it% $he +a) right% !t +a) light+eight aluminum but i, you took the -ole end and )+ung the /ointed brace you could do )ome damage% Not enough3 though% Not again)t Willie and Donny both% nd Ruth% ou couldn1t undere)timate her% &aybe i, they +ere nice enough to come in one at a time +ith a cou-le minute)1 breather )-ace in bet+een ! might ha*e had a )hot but that +a) damn unlikely% ! +a) ne*er much o, a ,ighter any+ay%
949
ll you had to do +a) a)k Eddie% We1d need )omething el)e% ! looked around% They1d remo*ed mo)tly e*erything% The ,ire extingui)her3 radio3 the ,ood carton)3 e*en the alarm clock and air -um- ,or the mattre))e) +ere gone% They1d e*en taken the length) o, clothe)line they tied u) +ith% ll +e had +a) the +orktable2 almo)t too hea*y to mo*e alone much le)) thro+2the mattre))e)3 &eg1) )heet3 her -la)tic drinking cu- and the clothe) on our back)% nd the matche) and candle% nd then ! )a+ a u)e ,or the matche) and candle% t lea)t +e could get them do+n here +hen +e +anted them and not +hene*er they ,elt like it% We could con,u)e and )ur-ri)e them% That +a) )omething% $omething% ! took a dee- breath% n idea +a) ,orming%
(Okay3( ! )aid% (ou +ant to try a cou-le thing)I( $u)an nodded% Weakly3 )o did &eg% (!t may not +ork% 0ut it1) -o))ible%( ('o3( &eg )aid% (Do it%( $he moaned% (Don1t mo*e3( ! )aid% (! don1t need you%( (Okay% Ju)t do it3( )he )aid% ('et them%( ! took o,, my Ked) high2to-) and -ulled out the )hoelace) and tied them together% Then ! took o,, $u)an1) )hoe) and tied their lace) to my o+n )o that ! had about t+el*e ,eet o, line to +ork +ith% ! )li--ed one end around the lo+er hinge o, the door and tied it o,, tight and ran the line o*er o *er to the ,ir)t o, the ,our2by2,our )u--ort beam)3 and tied it o,, there about three inche) ,rom the ,loor% !t ga*e me a tri-+ire running at a )light angle ,rom door to beam3 cutting o,, about ab out a third o, the le,t2hand )ide o, the room a) you entered% ("i)ten3( ! )aid%
94=
(Thi) i) gonna be hard% nd dangerou)% ! mean it1) not /u)t gonna be them% ! +ant to build a ,ire here% Right o*er there in ,ront o, the table /u)t )hort o, mid+ay through the room% They1ll )mell the )moke and come do+n% nd ho-e,ully )omebody +ill hit that line there% &eantime ! can )tand on the other )ide o*er by the door +ith one o, $u)an1) brace)% (0ut there1ll be lot) o, )moke and there1) not much air% They better come ,a)t or +e1re in trouble% $ee +hat ! mean I( (We1ll yell3( )aid $u)an% (eah% ! ho-e that1ll do it% 0ut +e1*e got to +ait a little +hile )o they )mell the )moke% Peo-le get -anicky around ,ire and it1ll hel-% What do you thinkI(
(What can ! doI( )aid $u)an% ! had to )mile% (Not too much3 $uG%( $he thought about it3 the delicate little2girl ,eature) *ery gra*e% (@ kno+ +hat ! can do% ! could )tand o*er here by the mattre))e) and i, anybody trie) to come by ! can tri- 1em( (Okay but +atch your)el,% No more broken bone)% nd make )ure you gi*e me -lenty o, room to )+ing that thing%( (! +ill%( (&egI !) thi) okay +ith youI( $he looked -ale and +eak% 0ut )he nodded% (nything3( )he )aid% ! -ulled o,, my T2)hirt% (!1ll%% % !1ll need the )heet3( ! )aid% (Take it%( ! dre+ it care,ully o,, her%
94>
$he mo*ed her hand) to co*er +here they1d burned her% 0ut not be,ore ! )a+ the black2 red gli)tening +ound% ! +inced and &eg )a+ me and turned her ,ace a+ay% Through the )hirt )he )tarted +orking on the )car again% ! didn1t ha*e the heart to )to- her2to call attention to +hat )he +a) doing% nd )uddenly ! couldn1t +ait to u)e that brace on )omeone% ! bundled u- the )heet and -laced it +here ! +anted it in ,ront o, the table% ! -laced my T2)hirt and )ock) on to-% (&ine too3( )aid $u)an% They +ouldn1t make much di,,erence but )he needed to hel- )o ! took them o,, her and thre+ them on too% (ou +ant the )hirtI( )aid &eg% (No% ou kee- that%(
(ll right3( )he )aid% The ,ingernail) ke-t digging% Her body looked old3 the mu)cle) thin and )lack% ! took the brace ,rom $u)an and )tood it again)t the +all by the door% Then ! -icked u- the )tub o, candle and +alked o*er to the -ile% &y )tomach knotted +ith ,ear% ("et1) go3( ! )aid and brought the candle do+n%
The ,ire burned lo+ but there +a) )moke all right% !t -lumed to the ceiling and billo+ed out+ard% Our o+n mu)hroom cloud3 in)ide the )helter% !n )econd) it ,illed the room% ! could cou ld hardly )ee acro)) to &eg lying on the ,loor% Our coughing +a) ,or real% ) the )moke got thicker )o +a) our )houting% ou could hear the *oice) u- there% 7on,u)ion% Aear% Then the tumble o, ,oot)te-) do+n the )tair)% They +ere running% They +ere +orried% That +a) good% ! held tight to the brace and +aited /u)t be)ide the door% $omeone ,umbled at the bolt% Then the door ,le+ o-en and Willie )tood in the light ,rom the cellar )+earing +hile the )moke +a)hed o*er him like a )udden ,og% He lurched in)ide% He hit the line o, )hoelace) )ho elace) and )tumbled3 ,ell and )kidded acro)) a cro)) the ,loor into the -ile head,ir)t3 )creaming3 ,lailing at the rag burning on hi) cheek and the )iGGling grea)y ,latto- that +a) melting do+n hi) ,orehead% Ruth and Donny -u)hed in )houlder to )houlder3 Donny clo)e)t to me3 trying to make out +hat +a) ha--ening through the )moke% ! )+ung the brace% ! )a+ blood ,ly o,, Donny1) head ,lecking Ruth and the
94B
door+ay a) he ,ell3 grabbing ,or me% ! brought the brace do+n like an ax but he -ulled a+ay% The brace cra)hed to the ,loor% Then )uddenly Ruth +a) darting -a)t me heading ,or $u)an%
$u)an% Her -a+n% Her )hield% ! +hirled and )+ung the brace and caught her acro)) the rib) and back but it +a)n1t enough to )to- her% $he +a) ,a)t% ! +a) a,ter her3 )+inging the brace u- ,rom the ,loor like a backhand )hot at tenni)3 but )he reached ,or $u)an1) )cra+ny che)t and -u)hed her again)t the +all3 then reached into her hair and /erked it back% ! heard a thum- like a dro--ed -um-kin and $u)an )lid do+n the +all% ! +hi--ed the brace acro)) Ruth1) lo+er back +ith e*erything ! had% $he ho+led and ,ell to her knee)% ! )a+ a mo*ement out o, the corner o, my eye% ! turned% > Donny +a) u-3 coming at me through the thinning )moke% Then Willie% ! +hi--ed the brace back and ,orth in ,ront o, me% They mo*ed )lo+ly at ,ir)t3 care,ully% They +ere clo)e enough )o ! could )ee ho+ Willie1) ,ace +a) burned3 one eye clo)ed and )treaming tear)% There +a) blood on Donny1) )hirt% i Then Willie came in lo+3 ru)hing me% ! )+ung the brace and it )lammed acro)) hi) )houlder3 ran u- and clattered to a /arring )to- again)t hi) neck% He )creeched and ,ell% (! )a+ Donny lurch ,or+ard and -ulled the brace around3 ! heard a )crabbling )ound behind me% Ruth hurled her)el, at my back3 cla+ing at me3 hi))ing like a cat% ! )tumbled under the t+i)ting +eight% &y knee) buckled% ! ,ell% Donny mo*ed ,or+ard and ! ,elt a )udden )earing -ain acro)) my cheek and my neck )na--ed back% ! )uddenly )melled o, leather% $hoe leather% He1d kicked me like you kick a ,ootball% ! )a+ a blinding light% &y ,inger) tried to tighten again)t the brace but it +a)n1t there anymore% !t +a) gone% The bright light ,aded ,a)t to black% ! )crambled to my knee)% He kicked me in the )tomach% ! +ent do+n3 ga)-ing ,or air% ! tried to get u- again but my balance +a) +rong% ! ,elt a +a*e o, )ickne)) and con,u)ion% Then )omeone el)e +a) kicking me too3 my rib)3 my che)t% ! -ulled my)el, into a ball3 dre+ my mu)cle) tight and +aited ,or the dark to clear% nd )till they +ere kicking me and )+earing% 0ut it +a) beginning to +ork3 ! +a) beginning to )ee3 ,inally enough )o that ! kne+ +here the table +a) )o ! rolled to it3 rolled beneath it3 looking out and u- at Ruth1) leg) and Donny1) in ,ront o, me2and then ! +a) con,u)ed again becau)e there +ere another -air o, leg) )tanding +here &eg )hould be3 right +here &eg )hould be lying on the mat% Naked leg)% 0urned and )carred% &eg1)%
94<
(No( ! yelled% ! mo*ed out ,rom under% Ruth and Donny turned3 mo*ed to+ard her% (ou( Ruth )creamed% (ou ou oul( nd ! )till don1t kno+ +hat &eg thought )he +a) doing3 i, )he actually thought )he could hel-2maybe h el-2maybe )he +a) /u)t )ick o, thi)3 )ick o, Ruth and )ick to death o, the -ain3 )ick o, e*erything2but )he )hould ha*e kno+n +here all Ruth1) ,ury +ould go3 not to+ard me or to+ard $u)an but )traight to her like )ome e*il -er,ect -oi)on arro+% 0ut there +a)n1t any ,ear in her% Her eye) +ere hard and clear% nd +eak a) )he +a) )he managed one )te- ,or+ard%
Ruth ru)hed again)t her like a mad+oman% 'rabbed her head bet+een both hand) like an e*angeli)t3 healing% nd then )ma)hed it again)t the +all% &eg1) body began to tremble% $he looked at Ruth3 )traight into her eye)3 and ,or a moment her eye) held a -uGGled ex-re))ion3 a) though e*en no+ )he +a) a)king Ruth +hy% Why% Then )he ,ell% $traight to the air mattre)) like a bonele)) )ack% $he trembled a little longer and then )to--ed% ! reached ,or the table ,or )u--ort% Ruth /u)t )tood )taring at the +all% "ike )he didn1t belie*e &eg +a)n1t )till )tanding there% Her ,ace an a)hy +hite% Donny and Willie +ere )tanding too% The )ilence in the room +a) )udden and immen)e% Donny bent do+n% He -ut hi) hand to her li-)3 then onto her che)t% (!) )he %%% breathingI( !1d ne*er heard Ruth )o )mall% (eah% little%(
94;
Ruth nodded% (7o*er her u-3( )he )aid% (7o*er her% 'et her co*ered%( $he nodded again to no one in -articular and then turned and +alked acro)) the room a) care,ully and )lo+ly a) though +alking through broken gla))% t the door+ay )he )to--ed to )teady her)el,% Then )he +alked a+ay% nd then it +a) /u)t u) kid)%
Willie +a) the ,ir)t to mo*e% (!1ll get )ome blanket)3( he )aid% He had hi) hand to hi) ,ace co*ering hi) eye% Hal, hi) hair +a) burned a+ay% 0ut nobody )eemed angry anymore% !n ,ront o, the table the ,ire )till )moldered3 )ending u- +i)-) o, )moke% (our mother called3( Donny muttered% He +a) )taring do+n at &eg% (HuhI( (our mother3( he )aid% ($he called% Wanted to kno+ +here you +ere% ! an)+ered the -hone% Ruth talked to her%( ! didn1t ha*e to a)k +hat )he1d told her% They hadn1t )een me% (Where1) Woo,erI( (He ate at Eddie1)%( ! -icked u- the arm brace and brought it o*er to $u)an% ! don1t think )he kne+ or cared% $he +a) looking at &eg3 uietly crying Willie came back +ith the blanket)% He looked at
94@
each o, u) a moment and dum-ed the blanket) on the ,loor and then turned and +ent out again% We heard him trudging u- the )tair)% (What are you gonna do3 DonnyI( ! a)ked him% (! dunno3( he )aid% Hi) *oice )eemed ,lat and un,ocu)ed3 )tunned2a) i, he1d been the one kicked in the head in)tead o, me% ($he could die3( ! )aid% ($he +ill die% 8nle)) you do )omething% Nobody el)e +ill% ou kno+ that% Ruth +on1t% Willie +on1t%(
(! kno+%( ($o do )omething%( (WhatI( ($omething% Tell )omebody% The co-)%( (! dunno3( he )aid% He took one o, the blanket) o,, the ,loor and co*ered her a) Ruth had told him to% He co*ered her *ery gently% (! dunno3( he )aid% He )hook hi) head% Then he turned% (! gotta go%( ("ea*e u) the +ork light3 huhI t lea)t do thatI $o +e can take care o, herI( He )eemed to think a moment% (eah% $ure3( he )aid% (nd )ome +aterI rag and )ome +aterI( (Okay%(
94:
He +ent out into the cellar and ! heard the +ater running% He came back +ith a bucket and )ome du)t rag) and -ut them on the ,loor% Then he hung the +ork light ,rom the hook in the ceiling% He didn1t look at u)% Not once% He reached ,or the door% (!1ll )ee you3( he )aid% (eah3( ! )aid% ($ee you%( nd then he clo)ed the door%
The long chilly night dre+ on% We recei*ed no more *i)it) ,rom abo*e% The hou)e +a) uiet% We could dimly hear the radio going in the boy)1 room3 the E*erly1) )inging (ll ! Ha*e To Do !) Dream3( El*i)1) (Hard Headed Woman%( E*ery )ong mocked u)% 0y no+ my mother +ould be ,rantic% ! could imagine her calling e*ery )ingle hou)e on the block to )ee i, ! +a) there3 cam-ing out or /u)t )taying o*ernight o *ernight )ome+here +ithout telling her% Then my ,ather +ould +o uld call the -olice% ! ke-t ex-ecting ex -ecting that o,,icial2)ounding knock at the door% ! couldn1t imagine +hy they hadn1t come% Ho-e turned to ,ru)tration3 ,ru)tration to anger3 anger to a dull re)ignation% Then the cycle began again% There +a) nothing to do but +ait and bathe &eg1) ,ace and ,orehead% $he +a) ,e*eri)h% The back o, her head +a) )ticky +ith cru)ting blood% We dri,ted in and out o, )lee-% &y mind ke-t latching on to )ing )ong) /ingle)% 8)e /ax The ,oaming clean)er2da2da2 da2da2da2dum2dum% Wa)h the dirt right do+n the drain2da2da2da2da2da2dum% O*er the ri*er and though the +ood) %% % the ri*er and through the +ood) %% % the ri*er and through the %%% ! couldn1t hold on to anything% ! couldn1t let go o, anything3 either%
$ometime) $u)an +ould )tart to cry% $ometime) &eg +ould )hu,,le and moan%
944
! +a) ha--y +hen )he1d moan% !t meant )he +a) ali*e% $he +oke t+ice% The ,ir)t time )he +oke ! +a) running the cloth o*er her ,ace and +a) /u)t about to uit ,or a +hile +hen )he o-ened her eye)% ! almo)t dro--ed dro--e d it ! +a) )o )ur-ri)ed% Then ! hid it behind me becau)e it +a) -ink +ith blood and ! didn1t +ant her to )ee% $omeho+ the idea really bothered me% (Da*idI( (eah%( $he )eemed to li)ten% ! looked do+n into her eye) and )a+ that one o, her -u-il) +a) hal, again a) large a) the other2and ! +ondered +hat )he +a) )eeing% (Do you hear herI( )he )aid% (!) )he %% % thereI( (! only hear the radio% $he1) there3 though%( (The radio% e)%( $he nodded )lo+ly% ($ometime) ! hear her3( )he )aid% (ll day long% Willie and Woo,er too%% and Donny% ! u)ed to think ! could li)ten %% % and hear and learn )omething3 ,igure out +hy )he +a) doing d oing thi) to me %%% by li)tening to her +alk acro)) a room3 or )it in a chair% !%% % ne*er did%( (&egI "i)ten% ! don1t think you ought to be talking3 you kno+I ou1re hurt -retty bad%( !t +a) a )train3 you could )ee that% There +a) a )lurring to her +ord)3 a) though her tongue had )uddenly become the +rong )iGe ,or her%
(8nh2unh3( )he )aid% (No% ! +ant to talk% ! ne*er talk% ! ne*er ha*e anybody to talk to% 0ut%% % I( $he looked at me )trangely%
=55
(Ho+ come you1re hereI( (We1re both here% &e and $u)an both% They locked u) in% RememberI( $he tried to )mile% (! thought maybe you +ere a ,anta)y% ! think you1*e been that be,ore ,or me )ometime)% ! ha*e a lot %%% a lot o, ,anta)ie)% ! ha*e them and then they%% % go a+ay% nd then )ometime) you try to ha*e one3 you +ant one3 and you can1t% ou can1t think o, anything% nd then later%% % you do% (! u)ed to beg her3 you kno+I To )to-% Ju)t to let me go% ! thought3 )he1) got to3 )he1ll do it a +hile and then )he1ll let me go3 )he1ll )ee )he )hould like me3 and then ! thought no )he +on1t )to-3 !1*e got to get out but ! can1t3 ! don1t under)tand her3 ho+ could )he let him burn meI( (Plea)e3 &eg%%%( $he licked her li-)% $he )miled% (ou1re taking care o, me though3 aren1t you%( (e)%( (nd $u)an too%( (e)%( (Where i) )heI( ($he1) )lee-ing%( (!t1) hard ,or her too3( )he )aid% (! kno+% ! kno+ it i)%( ! +a) +orried% Her *oice +a) getting +eaker% ! had to bend *ery clo)e no+ in order to hear her% (Do me a ,a*orI( )he )aid% ($ure%(
$he gri--ed my hand% Her gri- +a) not )trong% ('et my mother1) ring backI ou kno+ my mother1) ringI $he +on1t li)ten to me% $he doe)n1t care% 0ut maybe %% %
=59
7ould you a)k herI 7ould you get me back my ringI( (!1ll get it%( (ou -romi)eI( (e)%( $he let go% (Thank)3( )he )aid% Then a moment later )he )aid3 (ou kno+I ! ne*er really lo*ed my mother enough% !)n1t that )trangeI Did youI( (No% ! gue)) not%( $he clo)ed her eye)% (! think !1d like to )lee- no+%( ($ure3( ! )aid% (ou re)t%( (!t1) a ,unny thing3( )he )aid% (There1) no -ain% ou1d think there +ould be% They burned me and burned me but there1) no -ain%( (Re)t3( ! )aid% $he nodded% nd then )he did% nd ! )at li)tening ,or O,,icer Jenning)1) knock3 the lyric) to ('reen Door( riding ab)urdly through my head like a gari)h -ainted carou)el3 round and round? %% % midnight3 one more night +ithout )lee-in1Q+atchin13 1til the morning come) cree-in1 ! green door3 +hat1) that )ecret you1re kee-in1I ! green doorI 8ntil ! )le-t too% When ! +oke it +a) -robably da+n% $u)an +a) )haking me%
($to- her( )he )aid3 her *oice a ,rightened +hi)-er%
=5=
($to- her Plea)e Don1t let her do that( Aor a moment ! thought ! +a) home in my bed% ! looked around% ! remembered% nd &eg +a)n1t there be)ide me anymore% &y heart began to -ound3 my throat tightened% Then ! )a+ her% $he1d thro+n o,, the blanket )o )he +a) naked3 hunched o*er in the corner by the +orktable% Her long matted hair hung do+n acro)) her )houlder)% Her back +a) )treaked +ith dull bro+n )tain)3 cri))cro)) channel) o, drying blood% The back o, her head gleamed +etly under the +ork light% ! could )ee the mu)cle) -ull along her )houlder) and out+ard ,rom the elegant line o, *ertebrae a) )he +orked% ! heard the )crabble o, ,ingernail)% ! got u- and +ent to her% $he +a) digging% Digging +ith her ,inger) at the concrete con crete ,loor +here it met the cinderblock +all% Tunneling out% Tiny )ound) o, exertion e)ca-ing her% Her ,ingernail) broken back and bleeding3 one gone already3 the ti-) o, her ,inger) bloody too3 her blood mixing +ith the grit )he dug ,rom the ,laking concrete in an une*en yielding o, the )ub)tance) o, each% Her ,inal re,u)al to )ubmit% Her ,inal act o, de,iance% The +ill ri)ing u- o*er a de,eated body3 to ,orce it)el, on )olid )tone% The )tone +a) Ruth% !m-enetrable2yielding /u)t grit and ,ragment)% Ruth +a) the )tone% (&eg% 7ome on% Plea)e%( ! )aid%
! -ut my hand) under her arm) and li,ted her u-% $he came a+ay a) ea)ily a) an in,ant child% Her body ,elt +arm and ,ull o, li,e% ! laid her back on the mattre)) again and co*ered her +ith the blanket% $u)an handed me the bucket and ! bathed her ,ingerti-)% The +ater turned redder%
=5>
! began to cry% ! didn1t +ant to cry becau)e $u)an +a) there but it +a)n1t anything ! could hel- or hinder% !t /u)t came3 ,lo+ed3 like &eg1) blood acro)) the cinderblock% Her heat +a) ,e*er% Her heat had been a lie% ! could almo)t )mell the death on her% ! had )een it in the ex-anded -u-il o, her eye3 a +idening hole into +hich a mind could di)a--ear% ! bathed her ,inger)% When ! +a) ,ini)hed ! )hi,ted $u)an o*er )o )he could lie bet+een u) and +e lay together uietly +atching her )hallo+ breathing3 each breath o, air ,lo+ing through her lung) another moment binding the moment) together3 another ,e+ )econd)1 grace3 the ,lickering o, her hal,2o-en eyelid) )-eaking o, the li,e that roiled gently beneath the +ounded )ur,ace2and +hen )he o-ened her eye) again +e +eren1t )tartled% We +ere ha--y to )ee &eg there looking out at u)3 the old &eg3 the one +ho li*ed be,ore thi) in the *ery )ame time a) +e did and not in thi) ,e*ered dream2)-ace% $he mo*ed her li-)% Then )miled% (! think !1m going to make it3( )he )aid3 and reached ,or $u)an1) hand% (! think !1ll be ,ine%(
!n the arti,icial glare o, the +ork light3 in the da+n that ,or u) +a) not a da+n3 )he died% The knock at the door could not ha*e come more than an hour and a hal, later% ! heard them ri)ing ,rom their bed)% ! heard hea rd ma)culine *oice) and hea*y un,amiliar ,oot)te-) cro))ing the li*ing room to the dining room and coming do+n the )tair)% They thre+ the bolt and o-ened the door and Jenning) +a) there3 along +ith my ,ather and another co- named Thom-)on +ho +e kne+ ,rom the #AW% Donny3 Willie3 Woo,er and Ruth )tood behind them3 making no attem-t to e)ca-e or e*en to ex-lain3 /u)t +atching +hile Jenning) +ent to &eg and rai)ed her eyelid and ,elt ,or the -ul)e that +a)n1t there% &y ,ather came o*er and -ut hi) arm around me% Je)u) 7hri)t he )aid3 )haking hi) head% Thank 'od +e ,ound you% Thank 'od +e ,ound you% ! think it +a) the ,ir)t time !1d e*er heard him u)e the +ord) but ! al)o think he meant it%
=5B
Jenning) -ulled the blanket u- o*er &eg1) head and O,,icer Thom-)on +ent to com,ort $u)an3 +ho couldn1t )to- crying% $he1d been uiet e*er )ince &eg died and no+ the relie, and )adne)) +ere -ouring out o, her% Ruth and the other) +atched im-a))i*ely% Jenning)3 +ho &eg had +arned about Ruth on the Aourth o, July3 looked ready to kill%
Red2,aced3 barely controlling hi) *oice3 he ke-t )hooting ue)tion) at her2and you could )ee it +a)n1t )o much ue)tion) he +anted to )hoot a) the -i)tol he ke-t )troking on hi) hi-% Ho+1d thi) ha--enI ho+1d that ha--enI ho+ long ha) )he been do+n hereI +ho -ut that +riting thereI Aor a +hile Ruth +ouldn1t an)+er% ll )he1d do +a) )tand there )cratching at the o-en )ore) on her ,ace% Then )he )aid3 (! +ant a la+yer%( Jenning) acted like he didn1t hear her% He ke-t on +ith the ue)tion) but all )he1d )ay +a)3 (! +ant to call a la+yer3( like )he +a) -re-aring to take the Ai,th and that +a) that% Jenning) got madder and madder% 0ut that didn1t hel-% ! could ha*e told him that% Ruth +a) the rock% nd ,ollo+ing her exam-le )o +ere her kid)% ! +a)n1t% ! took a dee- breath and tried not to think about my ,ather )tanding be)ide me% (!1ll tell you e*erything you +ant to kno+3( ! )aid% (&e and $u)an +ill%( (ou )a+ all thi)I( (&o)t3( ! )aid% ($ome o, the)e +ound) occurred +eek) ago% ou )ee any o, thatI( ($ome o, it% Enough%( (ou )a+ itI( (e)%( Hi) eye) narro+ed% (re you ke-t or kee-er here3 kidI( he )aid%
=5<
! turned to my ,ather% (! ne*er hurt her3 Dad% ! ne*er did% Hone)t%(
(ou ne*er hel-ed her3 either3( )aid Jenning)% !t +a) only +hat !1d been telling my)el, all night long% Exce-t that Jenning)1) *oice clenched at the +ord) like a ,i)t and hurled them at me% Aor a moment they took my breath a+ay% There1) correct and then there1) right3 ! thought% (No3( ! )aid% (No3 ! ne*er did%( (ou tried3( )aid $u)an3 crying% (Did heI( )aid Thom-)on% $u)an nodded% Jenning) looked at me another long moment and then he nodded too% (Okay3( he )aid% (We1ll talk it o*er later% We better call in3 Phil% E*erybody u-)tair)%( Ruth murmured )omething% (WhatI( a)ked Jenning)% $he +a) talking into her che)t3 c he)t3 mumbling% (! can1t hear you3 lady%( Ruth1) head )hot u-3 eye) glaring% (! )aid )he +a) a )lut3( )aid Ruth% ($he +rote tho)e +ord) $he did (! A87K% A87K &E%( ou think ! +rote 1emI $he +rote 1em her)el,3 on her)el,3 becau)e )he +a) -roud o, it
=5;
(! +a) tryin1 to teach her3 to di)ci-line her3 to )ho+ her )ome decency% dec ency% $he +rote it /u)t to )-ite me3 (! A87K% A87K &E%( nd )he did3 )he ,ucked e*erybody% $he ,ucked him3 that1) ,or )ure%( $he -ointed at me% Then at Willie and Donny% (nd him and him too% $he ,ucked 1em all $he1d ha*e ,ucked little Ral-hie i, ! hadn1t )to--ed her3 hadn1t tied her u- do+n here +here nobody had to )ee her leg) and her a)) and her cunt3 her cunt2becau)e3 mi)ter3 that1) all )he +a) +a) a cunt3 +oman +ho don1t kno+ any better than to gi*e in to a man any time he a)k) her ,or a -iece o, -u))y% nd ! did her a goddamn ,a*or% $o ,uck you and +hat you think% 'oddamn meat in a uni,orm% 0ig )oldier% 0ig )hit% Auck you ! did her a goddamn ,a*or%%%%( ("ady3( )aid Jenning)% (! think you )hould )hut u- no+%( He leaned in clo)e and it +a) like he +a) looking at )omething he1d )te--ed in on the )ide+alk% (ou under)tand my meaning3 ladyI &r)% 7handlerI Plea)e3 ! really ho-e you do% That -i)) tra- you call a mouth2you kee- it )hut%( He turned to $u)an% (7an you +alk3 honeyI( $he )ni,,ed% (!, )omebody hel-) me u- the )tair)%( (Ju)t a) )oon carry her3( )aid Thom-)on% Tho m-)on% ($he +on1t +eigh much%( (Okay% ou ,ir)t3 then%( Thom-)on -icked her u- and headed out through the door and u- the )tair)% Willie and Donny ,ollo+ed him3 )taring do+n at their ,eet a) though un)ure o, the +ay% &y dad +ent u- behind them3 like he +a) -art o, the -olice no+3 +atching them3 and ! ,ollo+ed him% Ruth came u- right behind me3 hard on my heel) a) i, in a hurry to get thi) o*er +ith no+ all o, a )udden% ! glanced o*er my )houlder and )a+ Woo,er coming u- -ractically at her )ide3 and O,,icer Jenning) behind be hind him% Then ! )a+ the ring%
=5@
!t )-arkled in the )unlight -ouring in through the backdoor +indo+% ! ke-t on going uthe )tair) but ,or a moment ! +a) barely a+are o, +here ! +a)% ! ,elt heat ru)hing through my body% ! ke-t )eeing &eg and hearing her *oice making me -romi)e to get her mother1) ring back ,or her3 to a)k Ruth ,or it a) though it didn1t belong to &eg in the ,ir)t -lace but +a) only on loan to her3 a) though Ruth had any right to it3 a) though )he +a)n1t /u)t a ,ucking thie,3 and ! thought o, all &eg mu)t ha*e been through e*en be,ore +e met her3 lo)ing the -eo-le )he lo*ed3 +ith only $u)an le,t2and then to get thi) )ub)titute% Thi) -arody o, a mother% Thi) e*il /oke o, a mother +ho had )tolen not /u)t the ring ,rom her but e*erything3 her li,e3 her ,uture3 her body2and all in the name o, rai)ing her3 +hile +hat )he +a) doing +a) not rai)ing but -u)hing do+n3 -u)hing her ,urther and ,urther and lo*ing it3 exulting in it3 coming ,or 'od1) )ake2do+n ,inally into the *ery earth it)el, +hich +a) +here )he1d lie no+3 +n2rai)ed3 era)ed3 *ani)hed% 0ut the ring remained% nd in my )udden ,ury ! realiGed ! could -u)h too% ! )to--ed and turned and rai)ed my hand to Ruth1) ,ace3 ,inger) )-read +ide3 and +atched the dark eye) look at me amaGed ,or a moment and a,raid be,ore they di)a--eared beneath my hand% ! )a+ her kno+% nd +ant to li*e% ! )a+ her gro-e ,or the bani)ter% ! ,elt her mouth ,all o-en%
Aor a moment ! ,elt the loo)e cold ,le)h o, her cheek) beneath b eneath my ,inger)% ! +a) a+are o, my ,ather continuing u- the )tair) ahead o, me% He +a) almo)t to the tono+% ! -u)hed% ! ha*e ne*er ,elt )o good or )o )trong3 then or )ince% Ruth )creamed and Woo,er reached ,or her and )o did O,,icer Jenning) but the ,ir)t )te- )he hit +a) Jenning)1) and )he t+i)ted a) )he hit and he barely touched her% Paint can) tumbled to the concrete belo+% $o did Ruth3 a little more )lo+ly% Her mouth cracked o-en again)t the )tair)% The momentum ,lung her u- and around like an acrobat )o that +hen )he hit bottom )he hit ,ace2,ir)t again3 mouth3 no)e and cheek bur)ting under the ,ull +eight o, her body tumbling do+n a,ter her like a )ack o, )tone)% ! could hear her neck )na-%
=5:
nd then )he lay there% )udden )tink ,illed the room% ! almo)t )miled% $he1d $ he1d )hit her)el, like a baby and ! thought that +a) mo)t a--ro-riate3 that +a) ,ine% Then e*erybody +a) do+n)tair) in)tantly3 Donny and Willie3 my dad and O,,icer Thom-)on minu) the burden o, $u)an -u)hing -a)t me3 and e*erybody yelling and )urrounding Ruth like )he +a) )ome )ort o, ,ind in an archaeological dig% What ha--enedI What ha--ened to my mother Willie +a) )creaming and Woo,er +a) crying3 Willie really lo)ing it3 crouched o*er her3 hand) clutching her brea)t) and belly3 trying to ma))age her back to li,e% What the ,uck ha--ened yelled Donny% ll o, them looking u- the )tair) at me like they +anted to tear me limb ,rom limb3 my ,ather at the ba)e o, the )tair) /u)t in ca)e they tried to% ($o +hat did ha--enI( a)ked O,,icer Thom-)on% Jenning) /u)t looked at me% He kne+% He kne+ damn +ell +hat ha--ened% 0ut ! didn1t care /u)t then% ! ,elt like !1d )+atted a +a)-% One that had )tung me% Nothing more and nothing +or)e than that% ! +alked do+n the )tair) and ,aced him% He looked at me )ome more% Then he )hrugged% (The boy )tumbled3( he )aid% (No ,ood3 lack o, )lee-3 hi) ,riend dying% n accident% !t1) a damn )hame% !t ha--en) )ometime)%( Woo,er and Willie and Donny +eren1t buying that but nobody )eemed to care about them much today and +hat they +ere buying and +hat they +eren1t% The )mell o, Ruth1) )hit +a) terrible% (!1ll get u) a blanket3( )aid Thom-)on% He mo*ed -a)t me% (That ring3( ! )aid% ! -ointed% (The ring on her ,inger +a) &eg1)% !t belonged to &eg1) mother% !t )hould go to $u)an no+% 7an ! gi*e it to herI( Jenning) ga*e me a -ained look that )aid enough +a) enough and not to -u)h it% 0ut ! didn1t +orry about that either% (The ring belong) to $u)an3( ! )aid% Jenning) )ighed% (!) that true3 boy)I( he a)ked%
=54
(Thing)1ll go better ,rom here on in i, you don1t lie%( (! gue))3( )aid Donny% Willie looked at hi) brother% (ou ,uck3( he muttered%
Jenning) li,ted Ruth1) hand and looked at the ring% (Okay3( he )aid and then all at once hi) *oice +a) gentle% (ou go gi*e it to her%( He +orked it o,, her ,inger% (Tell her not to lo)e it3( he )aid% (! +ill%( ! +ent u-)tair)% ll at once ! ,elt *ery tired% $u)an lay on the couch% ! +alked o*er to her and be,ore )he could a)k +hat +a) going on ! held it u- ,or her% ! )a+ her look at the ring and )ee +hat it +a) and then )uddenly the look in her eye) brought me do+n to my knee) be)ide her and )he reached ,or me +ith her thin -ale arm) and ! hugged her and +e cried and cried%
EP!"O'8E
We +ere /u*enile)2not criminal) but delinuent)% $o that under the la+ +e +ere innocent innocen t by de,inition3 not to be held accountable ,or our act) exactly3 a) though e*erybody under eighteen +ere legally in)ane and unable to tell right ,rom +rong% Our name) +ere ne*er relea)ed to the -re))% We had no criminal record and no -ublicity% !t )truck me a) -retty )trange but then a) +e +ere excluded ,rom the right) o, adult) ! )u--o)e it +a) the natural thing to exclude u) ,rom the re)-on)ibilitie) o, adult) a) +ell% Natural unle)) you +ere &eg or $u)an%
=95
Donny3 Willie3 Woo,er3 Eddie3 Deni)e and ! +ent to /u*enile court and $u)an and ! te)ti,ied% There +a) no -ro)ecutor and no de,en)e attorney3 /u)t the Honorable Judge ndre+ $il*er and a hand,ul ha nd,ul o, -)ychologi)t) and )ocial +orker) earne)tly di)cu))ing +hat to do +ith e*erybody% E*en ,rom the beginning +hat to do +a) ob*iou)% Donny3 Willie3 Woo,er3 Eddie and Deni)e +ere -laced in /u*enile detention center)2re,orm )chool to u)% Eddie and Deni)e ,or /u)t t+o year) )ince they hadn1t any hand in the actual killing% Donny3 Willie and Woo,er until they turned eighteen3 the )ti,,e)t )entence you could get in tho)e day)% t eighteen they +ere to be relea)ed and their record) de)troyed% The child1) act) could not be held again)t the man%
They ,ound a ,o)ter home ,or $u)an in another to+n3 u- in the lake) di)trict3 ,ar a+ay% 0ecau)e o, +hat )he1d )aid about me at the hearing and the ,act that under /u*enile la+ there +a)3 )trictly )-eaking3 no )uch thing a) an accom-lice3 ! +a) remanded to the cu)tody o, my -arent) and a))igned a -)ychiatric )ocial +orker3 a bland )choolteacherly +oman named $ally 0eth 7antor +ho )a+ me once a +eek and then once a month ,or exactly a year and +ho al+ay) )eemed concerned +ith my (-rogre))( in (dealing +ith( +hat !1d )een and done2and not done2yet al+ay) )eemed hal, a)lee- a) +ell3 a) though )he1d been through thi) a billion time) be,ore and +i)hed again)t all rea)on and e*idence that my -arent) +ould be ,ar more un,orgi*ing +ith me or that !1d go at them +ith an ax or )omething3 /u)t to gi*e her )ome i))ue or occurrence to )ink her teeth into% Then the year +a) u- and )he /u)t )to--ed coming% !t +a) a ,ull three month) be,ore ! mi))ed her% ! ne*er )a+ any o, them again% t lea)t not in -er)on% ! corre)-onded +ith $u)an ,or a +hile% Her bone) healed% $he liked her ,o)ter -arent)% $he had managed to make a ,e+ ,riend)% Then )he )to--ed +riting% ! didn1t a)k +hy% ! didn1t blame her% &y -arent) di*orced% &y ,ather mo*ed out o, to+n% ! )a+ him in,reuently% ! think he +a) embarra))ed by me in the end% ! didn1t blame him3 either% ! graduated )chool in the lo+ middle third o, my cla))3 +hich +a) no )ur-ri)e to anybody%
! +ent to college ,or )ix year)3 interru-ted by t+o year) in 7anada to a*oid the dra,t3 and came out +ith a ma)ter) in bu)ine))% bu )ine))% Thi) time ! graduated third in my cla))% Which +a) a big )ur-ri)e to e*erybody% ! got a /ob on Wall $treet3 married a +oman !1d met in #ictoria3 di*orced3 married again3 and di*orced again a year later% &y ,ather died o, cancer in 94:=% &y mother had a heart attack in 1:< and died on the kitchen ,loor by her )ink3 clutching at a head o, broccoli% E*en at the end3 alone and +ith no one to cook ,or3 )he1d ke-t the habit o, eating +ell% ou ne*er kne+ +hen the De-re))ion +ould be back again% ! came home +ith EliGabeth3 my ,iancee3 to )ell my mother1) hou)e and )ettle her e)tate and together +e -oured
=99
through the cluttered relic) o, her ,orty year) o, li*ing there% ! ,ound unca)hed check) in an gatha 7hri)tie no*el% ! ,ound ,oun d letter) !1d +ritten ,rom college and crayon dra+ing) !1d made in the ,ir)t grade% ! ,ound ne+)-a-er item) bro+n +ith age about my ,ather o-ening the Eagle1) Ne)t and getting thi) or that a+ard ,rom the Ki+ani) or the #AW or the Rotary% nd ! ,ound cli--ing) on the death) o, &egan "oughlin and Ruth 7handler% Obituarie) ,rom the local -a-er% &eg1) +a) )hort3 almo)t -ain,ully )hort3 a) though the li,e )he1d li*ed hardly uali,ied a) a li,e at all% "O8'H "!N' 2 &egan3 9B3 Daughter o, the late Daniel "oughlin and the late Joanne Haley "oughlin% $i)ter o, $u)an "oughlin% "oug hlin% $er*ice) +ill be held at Ai)her Auneral Home3 995 1 Oakdale *enue3 Aarmdale3 NJ3 $aturday3 9?>5 -%m% Ruth1) +a) longer?
7HND"ER Ruth3 >@3 Wi,e o, William Jame) 7handler3 Daughter Da ughter o, the late ndre+ Perkin) and the late 0arbara 0ryan Perkin)% $he i) )ur*i*ed by her hu)band and her )on) William Jr%( Donald3 and Ral-h% $er*ice) mil be held at Ho-kin) Auneral Home3 9< #alley Road3 Aarmdale3 NJ3 $aturday =?55 -%m% !t +a) longer but /u)t a) em-ty% ! looked at the cli--ing) and realiGed that their )er*ice) had been /u)t hal, an hour a-art that day3 held in ,uneral home) about )ix or )e*en block) ,rom each other% ! had gone to neither% ! couldn1t imagine +ho had% ! )tared out the li*ing2room +indo+ at the hou)e acro)) the dri*e+ay% &y mother had )aid a young cou-le li*ed there no+% Nice -eo-le3 )he )aid% 7hildle)) but ho-ing% They +ere -utting in a -atio a) )oon a) they had the money% The next cli--ing do+n +a) a -hoto% -icture o, a young3 good2looking man +ith )hort bro+n hair and +ideeyed goo,y )mile% !t looked ,amiliar% ! un,olded it% !t +a) an item ,rom the Ne+ark $tar2"edger3 dated January <3 94@:% The headline read (&ana)uan &an !ndicted Aor &urder( and the )tory told ho+ the man in the -icture had been arre)ted December =
=9=
0oth *ictim) exhibited )ign) o, )exual a))ault and though both had been )tabbed re-eatedly the cau)e o, death +a) burning% They1d been dou)ed +ith ga) and torched in an abandoned ,ield% The man in the -hoto +a) Woo,er% &y mother had ne*er told me% ! looked at the -hoto and thought ! could )ee at lea)t one good rea)on +hy229 might ha*e looked in the -a-er and )een the -icture% !n hi) t+entie) Woo,er had come to look )o much like Ruth it +a) ,rightening% "ike all the other cli--ing) thi) one had been )tu,,ed in a )hirt box and -ut on the attic )tair) and the edge) +ere dry and bro+n and crumbling% 0ut ! noticed )omething along the margin% ! turned it and recogniGed my mother1) +riting% $he1d +ritten in -encil3 +hich had ,aded3 but it +a) readable% Ju)t be)ide the headline and ri)ing u- along the )ide o, the -icture )he1d +ritten +ith ,ine irony ! +onder ho+ h o+ Donny and Willie are doing nd no+3 on the uncertain3 un)ettled e*e o, my third marriage3 to a +oman +ho +ould ha*e been exactly &eg1) age had )he li*ed3 -lagued +ith nightmare) all o, +hich )eem to concern ,ailing again3 ,ailing )omebody3 carele))ly lea*ing them to the rough mercie) o, the +orld2and adding to tho)e name) )he1d )cra+led along the )ide o, the cli--ing the name) o, Deni)e and Eddie 7rocker3 and my o+n name3 ! +onder too%
=9>
